I’m getting nervous. Nervous that this season is so brutal, that I will actually not be able to come up with enough material to warrant this blog. It’s only episode two and I already don’t know how much more b-roll I can watch of her sitting on a lounger lost in thought. How much footage of her driving her convertible down the freeway, with her giant forehead glistening in the sun (now we know why she got bangs). How much more I can listen in disbelief as she says over and over that she got the best group of guys in the history of the show. How many more times I have to watch that damn Nair ad of her leading into every commercial break. I actually recoil every time it comes on. It’s startling. How much more I can take of her over-enthusiastic voice screaming with delight over every little thing these guys say. Really? A line dance is that awesome? Sigh. Here goes.
Top of the morning. I have to say, it’s a lot more fun to make fun of girls in their jammies with no makeup on as they wait for Chris Harrison to explain the never-changing rules of the date boxes over and over again. Though there is an abundance of corner-of-the-mouth-crust throughout this group of guys in the morning, generally, they look better.
I feel like I need some guys to weigh in here. Is Ashley hot? I mean besides the obvious fact that her body is adorable (thanks to Bentley for pointing out her rockin’ legs and amazing butt), does she have anything else going on? Personality? Would you date her? Anyone?
Overall, the guys I liked somewhat last week annoyed me more this week and some of the guys that weren’t good looking last week got a BIT better looking. Must be the 4-9-1 effect at work (you know, when you get to camp and all the guys are a four at the beginning of the summer, then by the middle they’re all a 9 and by the end they’re a 1 at best?)
I was happy for William when he got the one-on-one but it quickly went downhill from there. When the two of them began their salesperson’s nightmare of a date (they should give out awards to that pastry chef and ring salesperson for how tactfully they gritted their teeth through that commission-wasting time as Ashley’s cackle filled the room.) At one point William was a few drops shy of the meat sweats and then all of a sudden, he’s practically a Bridezilla! Of all the things they could be doing in Vegas, to call this the best date ever –c’mon. Ashley we all know your first date with Brad at the carnival was way better than this garbage. Remember? That’s when we didn’t find you so annoying. We didn’t know any better. I kept waiting for a turn of events where the date stopped being unbearably awkward to watch and I think that moment culminated during the actual ceremony of their wedding. Um…I almost thought Ashley wasn’t going to have the balls to say something. That definitely would have been a first. It’s a good thing that a giggle is acceptable as an official marital objection – that was a close one.
At this point, I feel it’s important to note that my husband asked me to cue nut-punching.
Aside from the fact that the dinner setting was cool, I was thinking that a) Ashley is probably freezing, b) where is the cameraman? Is he bobbing along in a row boat? And c) just how many drinks did they have? There were about twelve glasses on the table. I had to occupy my thoughts somehow since other than letting the cat out of the bag about daddy’s issue with The Drink and William exposing his lifelong dream of being a stand-up comedian (here we go), their conversation was excruciating. The only thing worse was when they stopped talking long enough to have the most boring kiss of all time. It was like their lips met and they turned into pillars of stone. There was literally no movement. And now that I’ve watched Ashley kiss a few of the guys, I can confidently say that’s how she rolls. I mean, I’m not asking to be able to count the taste-buds a-la-Kiptyn, but ANY form of movement from the shoulders up wouldn’t hurt. I am honestly considering growing a set of balls, just so I can kick myself in them every time she kisses someone on the show.
The rest of Vegas, was in my opinion, a bit of a disaster. First of all, what business does she have wearing five inch heels to basically go on a walking tour with these boys? I can barely get through a day of work where my heels spend most of the time under my desk off of my feet and she’s out walkin’ around without a care in the world. She probably had full bunions by the end of this episode.
The dance competition was awkward to say the least. Though I was actually impressed that these guys were able to pull it together and make up a routine (I can only imagine how long it would take a bunch of control freak girls who all consider themselves experts) would fare in this challenge. To be honest, once the masks were on and the performance began it was hard to tell which performers were members of the Jabberwockies or whatever their name was and which were our guys. Really not saying much for the show, eh?
Still, being in Vegas gave us a chance to get to know the guys a bit better. Perhaps it was because I was removed from the distraction of the ever-more-hideous house (there has to be a rule about 14 different colours of velvet curtains in one room!!!). For example, I realized that Constantin and Ben may actually be the same guy. Was anyone else totally confused by that? And I learned that while I originally thought Bentley would be a thorn in my side for this season, I can’t tell you how overjoyed I am to have him on board. First of all, the guy is hilarious. ‘I don’t really care about her, I just want her to know I’m better than anyone else’? Perfection. I’d rather swim in pee than go on William’s date? Amazing. The game was over before you even pressed start? Let’s not even play? Wonderful. I could not believe the exchange between them on the couch. He hadn’t even alluded to the fact that he’s leaving and she’s literally begging him to stay. It’s like, Hi, baby? Can I have my candy back? Thanks. This guy will be the saving grace of the show. I can only hope that the Bentley drama gets dragged out as long as possible and not (shudder) just until next week. The only true entertainment value of this season will be watching Miss “trust my instincts and go with my gut’ Ashley make a complete mess of the season.
Onto the coin-toss date (way to put a lot of thought into this, Ashley.) Hey, I have an idea! Let’s continue to toss coins so we can avoid any actual conversation while appearing to have a good time! Great!!! Not much to say about this date. Until I saw the view from their hotel suite, I didn’t understand why they were freaking out over a small taupe couch in the room (then again, I would also be excited about seeing neutral furniture after being trapped in that house). I feel like Mickey Blue Eyes is a nice guy and again, points for being a chef, but I was distracted by the rapid pace with which he was cleaning out his teeth with his tongue while deciding to flip a coin for if he stays or goes. Just let it go for a minute! In her post-date interview when Ashley said she’s looking for a guy who can take a bad situation and make it a positive one, I was thinking, well, any guy who ends up with you will surely be putting those skills to the test.
Back to the house. Oh, Phantom. You are starting to look like a werewolf with the facial hair poking out of every corner. Could you at least shave instead of walking around the house wearing a Snuggie and hiding in stairwells? I gotta say, I’m pretty excited for the reveal when it does eventually happen – bet he’ll be sporting some bitchin’ tan lines from walking around the pool area day in and day out – I can’t even imagine how much the mask smells at this point. We shouldn’t judge. Maybe he’s onto something. Like the Oprah effect, will mask sales all over North America sky-rocket?
As mentioned, some of the guys I liked last week were kind of annoying this week. We’ve already covered off William, but JP…what happened, dude? You’re beginning to sound like a girl! Are you going to start complaining about your ticking biological clock next? He’s beginning to remind me of Michelle (not super-hot psycho Michelle from last season, but serial killer Michelle that locked Tenley in the bathroom on Jake’s season). You better grow a pair buddy or you will not have my vote. No, indeed.
The cocktail party was just plain awkward. These guys better get some personality. There’s usually all sorts of antics at this point when it’s all guys. Much more fun than watching girls adjust their strapless dresses and hover in cliques. But these guys are SO LAME. I need the distraction! Every time there’s a lull in the action, I notice something horrific about the décor (last night it was the Flanders Fields wallpaper and forest green paint with the orange accent wall. Really???)
Thank god we were put out of our misery with the Rose Ceremony. Can’t imagine the blow to the ego when the guy in the mask gets picked and you don’t, eh? Hilarious. And love the fact that momma’s boy had to call his mom from the outside of the house to ask for a ride home from the airport – he might as well have asked her to get her teets ready for a feeding. Say hi to Gail for me? Really? Those are your last words to him? Yeah, I’m sure she sends her regards back, Ashley since you just gave her son the boot on national TV and kept the Phantom of the Opera.
I don’t know how those producers do it. Even though the episode next week will likely suck, they still give you false hope that it’ll be entertaining and fun to watch. I still have high hopes. Team Bentley all the way. Who’s with me?
