That Being Said: TNA Slammiversary 2011 Report – Hogan, Flair, Sting, Angle, Jarrett

Welcome to “That Being Said”. Tonight, myself and The BEST F#$%ING TNA TEAM EVER will cover TNA Slammiversary. I could see from reactions to Thursday’s Impact recap that some people were worried about Swayze. It turns out he was fine. He just had too many 5-Hour Energy Shots.

Hello.

Before we get started, thanks for all the positive reactions to the recap last week. That was an awful lot of work. It takes a while to get into the character of a TNA apologist like STD. To get my head wedged that far up my ass requires a lot of hot yoga. The aftermath is no fun either. It will take a team of splunkers a week to get it out of there. Do you hear what I’m telling you? It will be an odeal. Cararies will go in first. Accidents will happen, and men will DIE.

Want to let everyone know that I quite enjoyed the Roundtable for this PPV. I do have a question though. How come THOSE GUYS don’t have TNA asshole clowns like Fuj and Corey Yuen trying to tell you how wrong you are about Jeff Jarrett, and how awesome Matt Morgan, Crimson, Gunner, and Ken Anderson are?!?! On the other hand, even my column this week was suspiciously absent from trolls. Maybe they figured that STD said it better than they ever could.

TNA says that Slammiversary is like their WrestleMania. So that means this could be a pretty big show. Except that TNA also says that about LockDown, which was a couple months ago. They also say it about Bound For Glory. And there’s another one in there too that escapes me. I’m not looking it up.

This brings me to a point that was made in a comment last week, and it also brings me to my favorite thing about covering these Pay-Per-Views. I actually think that TNA does a lot better job on their Pay-Per-Views than they do on their TV shows. I usually find myself at least somewhat enjoying at least half or more than half of most TNA PPV’s. I’ve said that time and time again. THAT is my favorite thing about doing these recaps. No matter how many times I say that I like stuff, if I don’t like the WHOLE thing, inevitably people will rag on me for hating the whole thing when that’s not the case.

This Pay-Per-View is the perfect example. There’s not much for me to look forward to on this PPV besides AJ Styles and Bully Ray’s Last Man Standing Match. I think that should be pretty good. Beer Money and British Invasion COULD be okay. Everything else is just kind of a waste of time. Angle and Jarrett is only special this time because it will be the last one, but honestly, I’m kind of over that. If Jarrett wins, by the way, that’s a deal-breaker for me. That means he’ll be in main events. And if he’s in, I’m out. At least Corey Yuen would be happy. My point is, the rest of the PPV, even though I’m not all that excited about it, it could be all right! But to TNA haters, if you don’t like either the whole show, or whatever the last thing is from the recap that they read (and the last match quite often is the worst on the card), then you hated the entire thing and are marked for death. You must like the entire show or none of it at all! No in-betweens are allowed. You pricks.

Seriously. It happens every time. It’s happened at every single TNA PPV since I started at Pulse in January. I can set my watch to it. I had a drinking game for it for a couple months. Every time it happened, I took a shot. Right up until my third heart attack.

“TNA Slammiversary 2011”

Opening video package. That dude has a neat voice. Taz and Tenay run down the card.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match
Gun Money .vs. The British Invasion
On Commentary: Robert Roode

Roode brings beer to the announce position. Storm and Williams to start. I have been getting more and more into Storm and less and less into Roode. Storm with a headlock, armlock escape by WIlliams, tag to Shelley. Shelley hits the armlock and hits a headscissors. Tag to Magnus, legsweep by Shelley but Magnus escapes being kicked in the face and clotheslines Shelley. Shelley hits a leapfrog and a tag to Storm. Shelley kicks Storm and they wishbone Magnus and bumrush Williams. Tag to Williams, more double-teaming by Gun Money onto Williams. Shelley ties up Williams for the signature MCMG double-team-kick-to-the-face spot, and Storm runs the ropes a few times before just poking him in the eyes for a nice laugh from the crowd. Ha, that was awesome.

British Invasion hits a double team and they are in control of Shelley. They are working the arm, and hit a double-team flatliner. Magnus now in with Shelley, crowd is chanting Shelley’s name. Shelley battles out of the corner and hits a forearm, he dives at Magnus, who powers him all the way over his shoulder and hits a suplex. Very nice move. Tag to Williams, who hits a kick and Magnus hits a sweet flying elbow off the top rope. 2 count that Storm breaks up. More double-teaming on Shelley in the corner, Sehlley tries to battle back but eats a very nice exploder suplex from Williams. Williams went for the rolling chaos but missed, and Shelley flatlines his face into the corner. Crowd is really into this, and they want Shelley to tag… he does. Storm clears house for a while, with a high body drop on Williams and a flying forearm on Storm. 2 count. Storm slides under Magnus’ legs through the apron and faceplants him onto the floor. Then he body drops Williams onto him. Storm stands on the 2nd rope with his legs apart, and Shelley dives through them for a suicide dive. Crowd is going nuts. Take a good listen, because this is the exact opposite for what you’ll hear in the main event, and in Matt Morgan’s match. And for Crimson. And Gunner. And probably at least a couple couple others.

Gun Money double suplexes Williams onto Magnus. They start gearing up for the finish. Storm stands up at the booth and joins in the chant. Magnus from behind tosses Storm out of the ring. Shelley hits a shoulderblock from the apron and stuns him across the top rope. Storm is legal, and he is back in, and he hits an airplane spin that Williams ducks, but Storm and Shelley hit a sick double kick to the head in the corner. Double foot stomp from Shelley and a pin by Storm gets 2. Thought that was it for sure. Crowd is chanting “that was 3”.

Scuffle happens in the ring, Shelley is blinded and accidentally kicks Storm. They knock Shelley out of the ring, and British Invasion goes for their finish. It only gets 2!!! Thought that was it too. Crowd is going batshit. Storm ducks a kick and hits the Last Call followed by a Sliced Bread from Shelley for the win. Pin.

Winners & Still TNA World Tag Team Champions (sort of?): Gun Money

This was a GREAT match. Crowd loved it. This is the perfect example of guys who always bust their asses for TNA and continually get passed over for guys like Crimson and Gunner. The crowd reactions to the respective matches confirms it.

Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett are getting out of cars.

Borash is with Scott Steiner. Steiner says that everyone is white trash who has been watching him beat Morgan with his left hand… which is his weak hand. HA. He also says he is going to fuck Matt Morgan’s girlfriend. Thank God they didn’t let Morgan talk.

Scott Steiner .vs. Matt Morgan

I know how this is going to sound coming from me, but the crowd is DEAD for Matt Morgan. Well there were about 3 people chanting Morgan in the front row, but that’s about it. The crowd is chanting for Steiner. I’m not making that up. They’re chanting for Steiner. Steiner is trying to put a stop to it by telling them to shut up. It doesn’t really work.

Matt Morgan hits a shoulderblock and a headbutt, then dives over the rope for the rope rake thing. He runs Steiner into the corner. He rolls Morgan into the ring. Morgan goes for a chokeslam on the back of the neck. Not sure how that would have worked. I’ll never know because Steiner kicked him in the balls. He kicks him a few times and drops some elbows. Atomic drop from Steiner. More kicks. Belly to belly from Steiner. 2 count. Steiner pushes the ref around. Crowd starts to clap for Morgan sort of, but now it seems like they’re not that much into either dude at all. Steiner chokes him over the ropes and kicks him down in the corner a few times. Irish whip from Steiner and Morgan runs into a clothesline. Steiner goes for a pin but gets off and does some push-ups. Heh.

Chops by Steiner in the corner. Morgan powers up and hits the RUNNING SPLASH AND THE SIDE SLAM. He tries to get the crowd into him. It doesn’t work. He hits a “sitout slam” (Tenay’s term, the move sucked) for 2. Steiner reverses a move and hits a great t-bone suplex for 2. How is Steiner basically crippled and yet better in the ring than Morgan? Steiner with a flatliner. Lots of those tonight. 2 count. Steiner Recliner locked in. Man it would be great if Morgan just tapped. Of course he makes it to the ropes and gets Steiner on his shoulders. So Steiner hits a VICTORY ROLL from Steiner?!?! Holy shit. 2 count.

Steiner off the second rope. Matt Morgan goes from a choke to an atomic drop. Steiner reverses a move and tries to hit a suplex, Morgan blocks and “boxes the ears” and hits the CARBON FOOTPRINT. 3 count.

Winner: Matt Morgan

Wow. Shitty finish. That match really illustrated how shitty Morgan is and how surprising it is that Steiner can still do some of the stuff he can do in his condition. He kisses his wife and shakes hands with some fans.

Borash is talking to Jarrett. Jarrett does cut a really good promo. That’s the only thing he’s ever been good at. And he sucks at that more than half the time too.

Video package on the X-Division Title match. I didn’t realize that Abyss was trying to re-name the belt.

TNA X-Division Championship Match
Abyss .vs. Kazarian .vs. Brian Kendrick

These 3-ways are tough to keep up with. People are chanting for Kendrick? They’re gone mad. Kaz and Abyss start out with Kaz dodging and pummeling Abyss. Kaz is a house of fire. A nice dropkick from Kaz but Abyss takes him out. Kendrick is in. Kendrick works the legs, but Abyss just picks him up and tosses him onto Kaz. Kaz and Kendrick regroup on the outside. Kaz and Kendrick both rush the ring and jump Kaz, stomping him down in the corner. Abyss to the outside, but he ducks a baseball slide from Abyss. Kendrick tries a dive, but Abyss catches him. But then Kaz rushes into the ring and dropkicks the back of Kendrick so Abyss crashes to the mat. Nice touch. They double-team him for a bit, and toss him back into the ring. They keep working on him in the corner.

Blackhole Slam catches Kendrick out of nowhere. Kaz and Abyss battle, with Kaz eventually eating a big boot. Choke into the corner on Kaz. Kaz and Kendrick both down, and Abyss is just taking shots at them. Weird match so far. Abyss hits a run into the corner to sandwich Kaz, except he doesn’t suck like Morgan does so it actually looks good. Abyss with the dreaded nerve pinch. Kendrick has been out for a while. Kaz goes to the rope but gets knocked down, then eats the Shock Treatment. That move looks harsh. Abyss goes for a Vader Bomb, but misses. Kendrick back in, and hits a few dropkicks and kicks to the knees. He can’t get Abyss down until he hits a nice missile dropkick from the top. 2 count. NICE enziguri from Kendrick. Jumping tornado DDT from Kendrick gets 2. Nice effort from Kendrick here, although he has been inactive for most of this match.

Kendrick misses sliced bread but eats a clothesline. Kaz back on him, and he slithers through the ropes to avoid an Abyss dive and hits a top rope hurricanrana. Springboard elbow from Kaz. Kendrick up now, and he and Kaz hit a double-dropkick. Kendrick to the top rope. Frog splash from Kendrick, and they both pin but only get 2. Kaz to the top rope, but he jumps into a chokehold, but he rolls Abyss up for 2. Abyss gets mad and just tosses Kaz into Kendrick. Kendrick and Kaz are on each other now. Kendrick to the top rope, but Kaz jumps and hits a high enziguri. Kaz is tremendous. Kaz throws up the Fortune sign, Kendrick pushes Kaz off the top rope and dives, but Kaz catches him… Kendrick rolls him up, and hits a hard spinkick. Abyss grabs Kendrick and tosses him out of the ring, and jumps into the ring and… pins?

Winner & Still X-Division Champion: Abyss

Uhh… okay. Abyss quotes Art Of War.

Video package for Crimson / Samoa Joe.

Samoa Joe .vs. Babyface “URGH, ROAR”

(Gunner is Heel “URGH, ROAR”.) Crimson runs down to the ring. Again, very little reaction. Guys are on each other with strikes right away, nice fast start to the match. Crowd is doing the “Joe’s gonna kill you” thing. Yeah, Crimson has a bright future all right. He rushes to do a dive out of the ring but Crimson cuts him off with… punches. He tosses Joe out of the ring. There are a few people chanting for Crimson, but not many. Crimson gets a sleeper on Joe, and punches him… for a while. Taz actually calls this diverse offense. Crimson with some knee lifts, until Joe catches him and hits a dragon screw. Duelling chants for Crimson and Joe, with Joe’s chants being WAY louder. Again, I know how that’s going to sound coming from me. But watch the fucking match. Joe’s chants are way louder, and then the Crimson chants just died out for yet another “Joe’s gonna kill you”. And Joe is gonna be cannon fodder for this waste. TNA fucking sucks.

More of Joe carrying Crimson, until he hits a STIFF suplex ONTO THE KNEE. Crimson should just be a prop. That looked harsh. Joe with a figure-four. Crimson tries to fight back, but Joe rolls him through for an ankle lock. Now some people are chanting “sloppy Joe”, but very few. Cross armbreaker. Crimson does battle back and hits an admittedly nice t-bone suplex. Joe is a heavy dude too. A terrible double-arm DDT onto Joe gets 2. Now the crowd is just kind of dead, possibly tired of fighting with each other. Joe with a ROUGH suplex in return that looks very harsh, but Crimson gets right up only to eat a clothesline. 2-count. Joe with an open-hand slap in the corner. Crimson is selling like a champ tonight for once.

Joe with a mule kick of tf the second rope. Joe looks frustrated. Single-leg crab by Joe. Crimson is up. Joe is slapping him. Crimson isn’t selling. Joe headbutts him and Crimson staggers back into the corner. RUNNING HUG BY CRIMSON!!! Crowd had no reaction to that. Both men down. They get up and trade strikes. Some punches by Crimson and some slaps by Joe. Crowd is cringing at the slaps, as they sound great. One thing TNA has always done well with is the sound on chops. Joe goes for a Muscle Buster but Crimson jumps off the rope. Joe from behind trying for the Kokina Clutch (sp?) Joe runs into a shitty sitout move for the pin. For fuck’s sakes.

Winner: Crimson

I don’t buy for a second that Joe couldn’t kick out of THAT stupid shit. A shitty sitout move? That looked awful. Why is it that the two shittiest wrestlers on this show so far have both barely done anything except shitty sitout shit moves? FUCK! That was shit. What a waste.

Joe shakes Crimson’s hand. He tells Crimson that they will do this again.

Borash is talking to Winter and Angelina. Winter tells Jeremy to leave. Winter says that when Angelina beats Mickie James, they will be much closer to all their dreams coming true, and their destiny being fulfilled. She knows that Angelina is ready now. She tries to give Angelina a pill. Angelina says she doesn’t need it. She says they’re on the same page now.

TNA Knockouts Title Match
Mickie James .vs. Angelina Love (w/ Winter)

Both these girls’ theme musics are starting to give me shingles. On a 3-hour show, I don’t feel bad about phoning in the Knockouts match. This was bad. But you already knew that. Interestingly, the crowd was actually into this one. Maybe I’m the crazy one. (No, I’m not.) Angelina is The Undertaker now. That would make Winter Kane or something I guess. Mike Tenay is more interested in the history between Winter and Angelina than any person on the face of this Earth. Taz just seems drunk. I fucked with TNA fans on Twitter during this match.

Winner And Still TNA Knockouts Champion: Mickie James

They all brawl after the match. Anyone who liked this match, you DO know that internet porn is out there, right?

Bully Ray cuts a promo. Nice video package.

Last Man Standing Match
AJ Styles .vs. Bully Ray

I have high hopes for this one. They talk trash for a bit, then AJ jumps Ray and hits an enziguri in the corner. Crowd is fired up for AJ. AJ tries to clothesline over the ropes, but can’t get Ray over. Ray hits a clothesline. AJ ducks a clothesline and hits some punches and kicks. Headbutt by AJ. AJ with a flying forearm in the corner, very nice. Ray runs out of the corner and drops AJ. He works over AJ in the corner. High backdrop by Ray. AJ sandwiched into the corner. Ray demands a count, gets almost nothing. Ray tosses AJ to the outside, and he takes a piece of the steps and sets them up. He chops AJ against the guardrail, then presses AJ and drops him on the edge of the steps. Ouch. Then he does it again. He then drops the steps over AJ and stands on them. Ray demands a count, he gets about 5.

Ray with some STIFF open-hand chops in the corner. He hits a couple more. Ray yelling at AJ. AJ gets up and starts asking for more. AJ yells that he will take Ray’s best shot. Crowd is going nuts. AJ is begging Ray to hit him. Ray lays in another HARD chop that actually gets a “holy shit” chant. It did look pretty rough. Very nice work on that last sequence by both guys. AJ gets up again and asks again for Ray’s best shot. Ray looks shocked. AJ’s chest is purple. Ray punches AJ in the face. AJ battles up with some right hands, then a Pele. AJ looks insane right now. AJ to the apron, and hits a huge springboard forearm. AJ hits a charge, but eats an elbow, then hits a HIGH Pele to Ray who was all the way up on the second rope. AJ follows him up on the second rope, and keeps hitting him, with the crowd counting along. Ray just grabs him and hits a powerbomb off the top. AJ gets up and staggers out of the ring. Ray follows out and grabs the chain. Ray tries to whip him with the chain, but AJ moves. AJ with some strikes. AJ gets the chain now, and hits a diving punch on Ray.

Ray is busted open and he’s gushing good. AJ with a bunch more punches, crowd is loving this. AJ with a springboard 450. Crowd is just coming unglued. Referee starts to count, but Ray gets up… out of a pool of blood underneath his head. Ray is seriously bleeding Flair-style. AJ then just picks up Ray and dumps him outside like he’s nothing, before diving out of the ring onto Ray and landing on his feet. AJ is tremendous. AJ going for the Styles Clash on the floor, but Ray picks hin up and tosses him into the apron. Crowd is chanting for tables, but Ray throws AJ up the ramp. He’s got AJ up on the stage just like when he powerbombed him off it. He goes for it again, but AJ drops down and hits a Pele. Ray is down near the edge of the stage, so AJ kicks him off and Ray staggers down. AJ then hits an INSANE flying leap onto Ray from the top of the stage. Whole lot of airtime there. Referee is counting. He gets to 8, while the crowd chants “this is awesome”.

AJ grabs a table. He hits Ray a few more times, then hits him with a chair until Ray is down on the table. AJ heads back up onto the stage. He teases diving on him, then heads up the SCAFFOLDING to an insane height. Then he drops an elbow on Ray through the table. Holy SHIT. Crowd is now just chanting “AJ Styles”.

Bully Ray uses his free leg to kick AJ off of him while he tries to get up. AJ’s head goes THROUGH the stage. He is out.

Winner: Bully Ray

Okay, so I’m not going to complain about AJ losing, because this match was insane and AJ looked strong as ever, which he desparately needs right now. The thing was, Ray was almost down for 10, THEN AJ went into the wall. THEN the referee kept counting to 10 and Ray got up. So AJ wasn’t even down for the 10-count, he was only down for the remaining 2 counts of RAY’S 10 count before the ref called for the bell. So… yeah, that’s pretty dumb. Amazing match though, just sad to see it end that way. Even if Ray had won, fine. Just a plain finish would have been good. All I’m saying.

Fuck. Ken Anderson promo. 4 minutes long. Sucked.

TNA World Heavyweight Title Match
Sting .vs. Ken Anderson

Ken Anderson fucking cuts ANOTHER 4 minute promo on the ramp. It takes 4 minutes for Sting to jump him too. It does spare us the long intro. Sting beats on Anderson for a while. Fans are into Sting, not so much Anderson. He tosses Anderson over the guardrail and beats him up in the crowd. Anderson eventually starts tossing Sting into walls. Sting eventually starts tossing Anderson into more walls again. Kind of boring, but okay I guess, as far as crowd brawls go anyway. Eventually they make their way back to the ringside area. Anderson takes control in the ring, and more kicks and punches in the corner. Not much to this match so far.

Anderson with a nerve pinch. Man, he sucks. Hammerlock by Anderson. Sting eventually cuts him off on the top rope, but Anderson rakes the arm. DO SOMETHING!!! They eventually make they get all the way to an irish whip… so Anderson can wrench the arm again. FUCK. Anderson tries a Stinger Splash, Sting moves, and hits… a clothesline. And punches. He eventually takes out the leg. Bischoff hits the ring. Sting lets go of the hold. Bischoff begs off, Sting goes for a Stinger Splash but misses, and Anderson hits that *TERRIBLE* rolling move. I shouldn’t say the move is terrible because it isn’t. Just not as a finisher. This gets 2. Sting hits a DDT. Bischoff still at ringside. 2 count.

Anderson gets his knees up and Sting crashes. 2-count. Wow, this sucks. Anderson goes for his other shitty move, Mic Check, but Sting elbows and escapes, but not for long as Anderson hits it. 2-count. Anderson is going to the top rope? Sting crotches him. He kicks him a couple times.

Sting with a Stinger Splash to the back of Anderson and a Scorpion Death Drop. He goes for a pin. Bischoff is supposed to stop the count. He can’t reach the ref. So the ref hesitates. Then the ref counts 3. But then the ref tells Sting he didn’t win. Sting is confused. Ken Anderson gets up and gives Sting a Mic Check. Pin. Oh for f…

Winner & New TNA World Heavyweight Champion: Ken Anderson

… uck’s sake. Fuck this show. A match with barely any moves, and they can’t even manage to not botch the finish.

Bischoff is happy. Anderson is happy. Sting is sad. Mike Tenay tries to explain the botch as Bischoff’s plan. It doesn’t work. The referee counted to 3. What we are seeing on the screen directly contradicts the words coming out of Tenay’s mouth.

This is hilarious.

LIVE VIA SATELLITE from her home, we are talking to Karen Angle. She looks pretty good for having broke her fucking neck 10 days ago. She says she wants to fuck Jeff Jarrett while she wears Kurt’s gold medals. Mike Tenay calls her an “A-1 Ballbuster”. Apparently this is some sort of big deal. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know what that even means.

#1 Contender For TNA World Heavyweight Title / Gold Medals Match
Kurt Angle .vs. Jeff Jarrett

Jarrett begs off. Crowd is chanting for Angle. Angle wrestles Jarrett to the mat. Shoulderblock by Angle. Hiptoss by Angle. Jarrett reverses a whip and tosses Angle to the floor. He gets out of the ring and drops Angle over the guardrail. Jarrett with some punches, then both men catch each other in the middle of the ring with a charge. Kurt leapfrogs Jarrett and hits a German suplex. Jarrett and Angle battle back up and trade some punches, they volley for an irish whip but Kurt hits a hard belly-to-back suplex. Angle with a punch and a dropkick off the second rope. 2 count. Kurt hits a powerbomb for 2, but Kurt grabs an Ankle Lock.

Jarrett ducks a clothesline and hits a DDT for 2. Angle powers up and hits another suplex, but misses a moonsault. Jarrett hits the Stroke to NO reaction from the crowd. Kurt Angle, who apparently has issues with guys in WWE stealing his moves, then goes for a Tombstone. Jarrett reverses it, but Angle reverses HIM and locks on an Ankle Lock. Jarrett rolls out, and Angle hits the ref. REF BUMP! Jarrett then gives Angle a dickpunch. Jarrett then goes for a guitar and smokes Angle with it. He tosses the guitar rubble out of the ring. I hate that guitar spot, but they make it sound cool. Jarrett calls for another ref, and one who clearly would have seen the guitar shot from the back, which is retarded, comes out. He gets 2.

Kurt rolls up Jarrett while Jarrett argues with the ref. 2 count. Kurt hits 3 german suplexes. 2 count. Angle puts Jarrett on the second rope. He follows him up, but Jarrett pushes him off. Kurt runs back up the turnbuckle and hits a nice belly-to-belly off the turnbuckle for 2. Angle goes for an Angle Slam, but Jarrett rolls out and ducks a charge from Angle, and Angle hits the buckle. Jarrett botches an enziguri. Jarrett puts Angle on the turnbuckle and follows him up, and hits A Super Shit Stroke from the second rope for 2. There was NO reaction for The Stroke when it happened off the turnbuckle. That’s how much it sucks. Crowd is chanting loudly for Angle.

Jarrett counters a rollup with an Ankle Lock. People are chanting for Angle. Jarrett clenches it in. Now the crowd is chanting “USA” because… well I don’t really know why. They tease Kurt breaking out of the Ankle Lock for a while, until Angle reverses. Jarrett taps.

Winner & New #1 Contender: Kurt Angle

Well, if it wasn’t for the botched World Title match finish, the finish to the Last Man Standing match that made no sense, the crowd refusing to cheer for guys that TNA wants them to cheer for in favor of guys that TNA passes over, those same guys that TNA fans refuse to care about winning their respective matches and continuing to get pushed, and the entire World Title match, this was an okay show. But what I just listed was pretty much everything on the show except for the two decent matches they had.

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