Raw is THREE HOURS tonight, and it kicks off with The Miz. Long story short, he’s mad at A-Ri, as well as the fact he keeps getting one-upped by old timers from the Attitude Era. First Rock, now Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hey, here’s Austin now!
What?
I said here’s Austin.
Anyway blah blah blah, Miz and Riley will be on PIPER’S PIT tonight in Long Island. But now Miz go away so I can cut a promo on Alberto Del Rio.
He’s next, and he’ll fight Kane.
*Commercials*
By the way, I’m Matthew Michaels and I don’t do play by play! Paul Marshall’s on vacation today, probably playing the new WWE video game (plug!), but I’m playing with my keyboard instead.
Alberto del Rio vs. Kane
Del Rio says Show owes him money for denting his car. I have no patience for this match, so please believe me when I say it wasn’t a chain wrestling classic. Del Rio locks in an armbar, but Kane is in the ropes. Ref tries to break it up but the 5 count comes and goes, and del Rio is DQ’d.
Winner – Kane by DQ
Big Show cimes out with some sort of yellow hand cast on. He goes after the guest ring announcer, and Kane talks sense into him. “You’re gonna kill him, and then you’ll never get your hands on him!” Good point.
Austin’s out, and makes a match: Del Rio vs. Big Show at Capital Punishment.
*Commercials*
OK for some reason Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase and Wade Barrett are here. I guess this is a Raw/SD super show. Ah yes – ALL STAR NIGHT! Anyway Sin Cara’s out, and he flippy flops into the ring, and will be teaming with Jackson and Bryan vs. the three rudos previously named. Not gonna lie – I’ll watch this match…
Daniel Bryan, Ezekiel Jackson and Sin Cara vs. Legacy & Barrett
Rhodes and Bryan work well together. OK OK who doesn’t work well with Danielson? Barrett in rather quickly, and he takes a beating to his former Nexus mate, who sells like a champ. Exciting back and forth action, yet I’m incredibly serene due to the blue lighting. Jackson – formerly affiliated with Barrett in The Corre – is in, and there are a LOT of body slams. I mean more than even the most embellished Hogan Wrestlemania 3 story. Heels end up outside the ring, so Jackson throws Bryan at them. Why not? Hot tag to Sin Cara, who pins Barrett after a springboard lateral press.
Winners – Cara/Bryan/Jackson after Cara pins Barrett
*Commercials*
Hornswoggle is out with a t-shirt gun! But THE TRUTH SHALL SET ME FREE. “Surprise surprise surprise! Hornswoggle is out there shooting t-shirts at all the little Jimmies! And the little Jimmies!” This looks like so much fun, R-Truth says, and he’s now a good guy again. I don’t believe him. ANYWHOO he’s wearing plaid, and Horny shoots him in the chest with the t-shirt gun. Truth hugs him, shakes his hand, then kicks him in the face. What a heel! You know what he needs? Guest GM Steve Austin to interrupt him and remind Truth that he’s facing John Cena on Sunday, not John Morrison. Alas, it’s commercial time.
*Commercials*
OK so apparently Austin wants Truth to face John Morrison. I’m confused as I thought he hurt his neck. I guess he’s back. Or Hornswoggle has a Morrison looking cousin. Time will tell. During the break, Lawler helped Horny. I think that’s two injury-during-commercial segments (Ricardo and the Little Bastard), but that’s okay. On TNA it would have been six.
Santino Marella vs. Sheamus O’Shaunessey
Amazingly during this match, Sheamus kicked out of the Cobra. Insane. Brouge kick and clover leaf FTW.
Winner – Sheamus, Submission
*Commercials*
Randy Orton is WALKING.
*Commercials*
Back with a recap of the Orton/Christian storyline on Smackdown. Very well done actually, even though I would have liked to have seen Christian keep the belt for a few weeks rather than days. Oh well.
Ten minutes later, Randy’s finally made his way to the ring, and he makes a comment about live TV… I guess they wanted to wait until the top of the hour to let him start his promo. He’s happy to be back on Raw, and he wants to talk with Christian. Just talk, he promises. Although he admits he wants to hurt him too. Christian is backstage, and asks the audience if he should come out. They want it; he won’t do it. Randy makes an “Edge has been carrying you for seventeen years” comment. Christian comes out, but security gets between he and Randy. The Raw GM chimes in, literally, and says that because Randy was hit in the skull twice in a row with the title belt, and he has a concussion, so he’s out of action until Sunday. Maybe the guest GM IS Foley – and he’ll be bringing all of TNA’s storylines to Raw! Including the power of the Raw GM to strip Randy – a SD wrestler – of the World Championship?
Anyway, Austin makes Christian/Mysterio next.
*Commercials*
Rey Mysterio vs. Christian
Booker T is out for commentary, joining Lawler and Cole. He has a Twitter account now, ya know. After some action and a commercial break, Rey sets up the 619 but Nexus comes out and beats up Mysterio. Christian, “like a vulture,” hits a Killswitch for good measure. Somewhere in there was ANOTHER DQ due to not listening to the ref asking for a rope break.
Winner – Rey Mysterio, DQ
Backstage, Austin’s on the phone, but Vicky says EXCUSE ME and asks for a U.S. Title match vs. Kofi Kingston for Dolph Ziggler. Austin says sure, but you have to fire Vicky. Fairly enough, Austin had to drop his manager, Ted DiBiase as his manager when he was the Ringmaster, and admits such. Z says sure, and he has the match. Oh and Austin was just kidding.
*Commercials*
The Truth vs. John Morrison
Or… maybe not? The entrance music plays twice, but apparently no Morrison. Maybe Johnny Nitro will show up instead? Best part of this segment was Truth calling the Titon Tron the “Trytan.”
Truth walks backtage to look for Morrison. Apparently “little Jimmy got Johnny!” Truth then slams some backstage equipment into his former tag partner, and I guess the injury storyline continues.
No match
*Commercials*
Back, and WWE.com has a list of the Top 25 Managers, which is conveniently plugged right before Vicky accompanies Dolph to the ring for his match.
Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston
Dolph and Kofi start off, and it’s looking like a fast one. Jack in, and the blondes seem to be working quite well together. If they aren’t going to be pushed as singles, I could enjoy a tag team featuring these two former World Champions. Kofi counters Swagger’s splash from the corner by getting his legs up, and while his opponent is stunned, tags in Bourne. The high-flyer in control, but wait, what? It’s broken down into a rule-less mess, but somehow Bourne hits Air Bourne and pins Swagger, after a Trouble in Paradise, while I look down for two seconds. There ya go.
Winners – Bourne & Kingston, Evan pins Swagger
Oh, and King, just stop it with the Vicky comments. Call her evil, mean, annoying, but lay off her looks.
*Commercials (including one for the Best of WCW Monday Nitro DVD)*
We’re back with a look back at the A-Ri beat down of The Miz and his pink shirt… leading into Piper’s Pit!
The WWE Hall of Famer comes to the ring to a good reaction, and he looks pretty good. Piper throws in a line about how he “dropped Mr. T” in the Nassau Coliseum at WrestleMania 2. Miz comes out and says his favorite moment in the building is “four years from now when they tear it down and replace it with nothing.” Which actually got boos. Hmph.
Miz says people call him a modern day Roddy Piper, Piper says he’s nothing like him, Miz agrees – he actually won a championship and main event at Mania. Also his episodes of Real World were better than They Live(!). Piper says he’s never seen the Real World, and then introduces Riley – as I realize for the first time I’ve been saying “A-Ri” not “A-Ry” this whole time. Who knew?
“Al-ex Ri-ley (clap clap clapclapclap)” chants start, and he looks stunned. Miz took him under his wing, he was a mentor, a friend… but he was just using him to keep the title. Why help him when I could beat him? Piper suggests that Riley got self respect when Miz lost the title. Miz suggests Piper shouldn’t talk due to hiding behind Cowboy Bob Orton for all those years (OH TAG!), and then this happens:
You think you can beat Riley?
Absolutely, I’m the most must-see Champion in WWE history.
They say you’re afraid of Riley?
I’m not afraid of Riley, I’m not afraid of –
King Kong Bundy, Mean Gene, Andre the Giant at the bottom of a well, who do you save first?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
See – every time you think you got all the answers, I change the questions!
And that’s what Riley will do Sunday – change all the questions, and it will be awesome, says Piper. Miz offers a wager. Riley then offers up Piper to face Miz now. REALLY? Etc. The match is made for $1000 of Miz’ money, and Miz will wear the suit. Piper says he’ll do it for $5000 and Austin sanctions it, with each man putting up the money, and A-Ry is the ref.
*Commercials (including a cool anti-bully one starring WWE Superstars)*
Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. The Miz
A sleeper hold gets broken out, as are kicks in the corner. Riley won’t have it, so he and Miz fight. Then Piper sneaks in a pin!
Winner – Piper
After the match, Riley throws Miz out of the ring. Ah Miz, $5000 less in his checking account. Michael Cole is appalled.
*Commercials*
Video package of WWE HALL OF FAMER DREW CAREY, Kelly Kelly and the Bellas on Price is Right. Yep, Kelly and the Bellas, smiling together tomorrow. Kayfabe what?
Tamina, Alicia, Rosa, Melina, Maryse & the Bellas vs. Kelly, Gail, Natalya, Beth, AJ, Kaitlyn and Eve
I have no idea what’s going on here, and just want Kharma to beat them all up. Not as much because this is a Divas match as much as there are 14 women in the ring and I think Kelly just did the stink face followed by the famasser.
Winners – Babyfaces, Kelly pinning I THINK Rosa
After the match, Eve leads the Divas in a kickline as a tribute to Broadway. Yet no Long Island Iced Z?
Austin is backstage with Tough Enough winner Andy. Punk comes in and stares down Andy, but he leaves. Punk and Austin have a fun exchange where Austin offers him alcohol, and Punk says “what.” Then “that’s annoying isn’t it?” I LOL’d. Punk thanks him for making the match vs. Cena, but Austin says Nexus can’t be around.
*Commercials*
Austin comes to the ring on his four-wheeler to make an announcement. He’s interrupted by the Raw GM, a sheepish Cole goes to read it. AND… He says Stone Cold “did a fair job” but he’ll be back next week. While he still has time on the clock, Austin announces that next week will be another three-hour show, “power to the people” who will make all the matches, stipulations, rules. The GM bleeps and bloops several times, so Austin chases Cole away before he can read the message. More bleeping and blooping, Austin gets some beers and pours them on the laptop. And then runs it over.
Another Capital Punishment mock press conference, this time with Khali and many more.
*Commercials*
CM Punk vs. John Cena
HUGE crowd heat, with dualing “Let’s go Cena/CM Punk; Let’s go Cena/Cena sucks” chants! Match starts out with tests of strength, some basic back and forth, running the ropes, leapfroggin’ and such. Back into their corners as the crowd gets restless (in a good way). Cole: “I wish these people would be quiet so we could concentrate on the great action.” Ha! Cena dumped to the floor for the commercial break…
*Commercials*
…back and Punk has control. Cena again back to the floor, and Punk goes to the top turnbuckle and takes out Cena with a double axe handle or something similar. Then he “can’t see” the crowd, and sends the match back into the ring. Punk with his legs wrapped around Cena’s abdomen, but for some reason doesn’t try to lock in a rear naked choke (I know: choking is illegal in WWE). Finally grabs Cena’s face, but Cena reverses into the STFU, but Punk makes the ropes. Standing drop kick on Cena, but it’s only a two count. Punk remains in control for a few more minutes, knee to the chin in the corner, tries the bulldog but it’s countered and I smell a comeback. But both men are down. Punk to his feet first, but misses a punch. Doesn’t matter as he throws Cena out of the ring, then begs the ref to count. Gets up to 8, but Cena’s back in. Punk stomps down on the Champ, but just can’t finish him. So he goes top. Uh oh. Cross body misses, as Cena rolls away from it. Cena’s comeback kicks off with some shoulder blocks and a spine buster, but – what’s this?! The Truth! And a live mic! Little Jimmies everywhere! Steals a Jimmy’s hat and goes to pour some water on him, but during the distraction, Punk hits the GTS and gets the win!
Winner – CM Punk, Pinfall
After the match, Killings, with Jimmy’s Cena hat on, decides to “give” the water to the Champ instead. Lays him out to end the show, barely wrinkling his flannel. And that’s the show.
