Welcome to your Weekly Wednesday Wrestling Stop, The O’Really Report! I am your host Rhett Davis and this week my guest is none other than ‘Goldfish’ Mike Gojira.
I hate you.
Hate me?
Well, hate is such a strong word. I guess you could call it a seething anger that wells up from the deepest, darkest part of my soul which threatens to consume my very existence and all I hold dear.
And all of this stems from my calling you Goldfish? My, my does someone need some counseling because I know this really great guy in Little Rock…
I’m sure you would know a good counselor, eh?
All that teen angst.
Body odor.
Aspirations of a future that you’ll never achieve.
Hey just because you have bad memories from high school when they threw you in the trash can doesn’t mean we all did.
Future? You want to talk future? How about the future of That Being Said? That always to seem up for grabs.
Ah, you mean TNAwful?
No it’s not TNAwful anymore!
I think it’s fitting that they call it Impact Wrestling. Every time I see it I think of a car accident or train wreck.
Its Impactless.
I would agree, but those at least hold your attention. This is more like a little old lady walking across the street. Full of old spirit and very boring.
I can’t believe I actually rooted for Anderson when he was back in the WWE. Now I can’t stand the guy.
Oh man… I was a Kennedy mark and was pretty disappointed when he got released.
Now we know why.
Now… with the A$$hole gimmick… I’d rather watch that little old lady.
Jeff Hardy is more exciting.
Jeff Hardy court cases?
Only because of the drugs, you see.
That makes sense.
I bet he’d be a hoot at parties though.
Is it sad that Chyna wants to spend the remainder of her days in porn?
I mean has her life really come to that?
I think it’s sadder that she makes a living off of that. Only because that means people watch that.
I could imagine her and some guy walking into the director’s office. The director looks at them both and says, “Okay, which one of you has the bigger dick?”
The guy slinks off into the corner in shame.
Chyna smiles proudly.
We all die a little inside.
The director dies inside a lot.
He’s directing porn for a living; he’s already dead.
He works hard for his money Mike! Hard for his money!
Anyone ever tell you you’re hilarious?
Hilarious? Yeah once or twice. Why?
They must be terrible judges of character.
Anyways… the first topic up for discussion is this past Sunday with Impactless’ Slammiversary!
The first match of the show included the tandem of Alex Shelley and James Storm as they ‘defended’ their tag team titles against the team of the British Invasion.
Yawn. Clearly they’re trying to break up Beer Money by making Shelley/Storm successful.
I mean can you officially defend the TAG TEAM titles without the actual champions in the match?
Why not? This is IMPACT, BABY!
Ahem.
Ok Hulk. Calm down before the Warriors come sue you.
I didn’t watch the PPV but reportedly this was the MOTN with only the Ray/AJ match as competition.
I never watch their PPVs. Even streaming…for free.
I just can’t get into the product.
Bully Ray is about the only compelling part of the product to me nowadays.
And he’s 20 years past his prime.
Hmmm…like everyone on the roster.
Well maybe not 20 but yeah he’s old. I mean he was getting old when the FIRST draft happened. And now… well like you said. He fits the roster.
Why are they putting new talent like Crimson over guys like Joe instead of the old vets who could give the n00bs a rub?
It makes no sense.
They don’t even have any long-term plans outside of Sting/Hogan/Bischoff.
And that maybe the first n00b sighting on Inside Pulse this year. Well the fact they are choking us with Crimson makes no sense.
At least with the WWE you can KIND OF get a sense of where they’re going.
They look past their top tier talent and give the other guys some sort of bone to feed off.
Why is Matt Hardy still relevant to them? He and Harris lost, then they disappear.
Jeff is not viable, so there goes your reunion.
What purpose does he serve now?
He’s Cold-Blooded that’s what!
and Big-Boned.
And has very naked arms when he wrestles.
As most wrestlers do.
Most have elbowpads, wristtape… something.
That would cut off the circulation for him.
Wow that’s terrible.
I’m a terrible person.
Ask Glazer.
I’ll second the notion and pass the motion. Alright how about Matt Morgan and Scott Steiner.
Who?
Stuttering Matt and Big Poppa “Holy Shit His Arms Have Cancer!”?
Yeah those arms are some kind of nasty.
Reminds me of the Family Guy non sequiter with Popeye and Doctor Hartman.
“The speech impediment? You’ve had multiple strokes.”
“And those arms? Tumors.”
Yeah that’s just… ugh… anyways forget actual talking about the match. It probably stunk the joint up anyways.
On the bright side, I bet Scott Steiner had some interesting things to spout during the match.
Probably spouted some liquid from those arm bubbles.
Like Morgan’s mom is a whore…
Looks like a whale with something stuck in the blowhole when he flexes.
If anything ever comes out… I blame you Mike.
And his genetics.
And I will gladly shoulder that blame.
Let’s see, let’s see what else happened on the show… there was a World title change..
Joygasm.
I knew you secretely loved Mr. Anderson.
All that stuff before was just a cover-up.
Want a spoiler alert? Sting’s not even on Impact this week.
Are you serious?
Swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
So Reason 1 why Impact is better than WWE. When our champions lose their titles they don’t even show up on the next edition of the show to talk about how humiliating it was.
So I guess Anderson isn’t fighting Sting at the next PPV show? No wait by Impact Logic… he would.
Actually, Gunner challenges him.
Yes! My freaking dream match!
And I’m telling you now, I am not making this up to screw with the readers.
See! See! I knew what I was talking about when I chose Gunner for Wrestler of the Week!
That was due to your medcation overdose.
I don’t take medication!
The doctor told me you’d say that.
Was that the Dr. of TNA? Because I miss that guy… I secretely wonder if that is actually M.C. Brown. Is that weird?
You “secretely”? What are you secreting? Poison?
Are you a poisonous tree frog?
No… vomit from talking about Impact. Hey don’t hate on tree frogs, you know you’d kill to be one in your next life.
Only ’cause of their tongue.
Oh that’s a good point, you already kill people by the touch.
Where were we? I feel like we’ve lost a few readers along the way.
Good point.. erm.. Kurt Angle is now the #1 Contender!
For the 2012 Olympics!
Man for the Impact Heavyweight Championship! You know TNA likes to pay their employees who seem on the brink of leaving.
Even the ones they force out whose contracts are almost up.
Even them. I mean say R-Truth were about to go to jail for drugs do you think WWE would give him the WWE Championship?
Yes. God, yes.
Imagine the promos?
“It’s a company-wide conspiracy!”
Then he’d be some guy named Butch’s “Little Jimmy.”
Oh Butch. Do you think he accepts bribes?
Yes. With his mouth.
Well then I guess he would meet Little Jimmy’s Jimmy?
It’s THAT kind of prison.
Heh. “Meet.”
Meet… oh wow. Um anyways that’s all I got on the show… there were a few other matches but the only one that stands out is Bully Ray vs AJ.
Speaking of R-Truth, do you think he laced that water bottle with kryptonite?
It would make sense with the way Cena crumbled Monday Night.
I think it’s rather telling how confident the ‘E is in Truth’s wrestling abilities when he’s spend the entire month AVOIDING the actual wrestling.
He beat up R-Truth backstage… won by countout. This is just ‘E’s way of getting rid of the second W in WWE.
He beat up Morrison, you mean.
Unless this is some existential weirdness.
Yes Morrison… ahem.
Like somehow he’s his own Grandpa.
This almost sounds like Back to the Future… with the boy’s mom hitting on him when we went back in time.
“We” didn’t go back in time. You need to lay off the pills, man.
*sigh* Ok ok… was I the only one who felt like something was missing on Raw? Like… it ended rather uneventful.
It’s been like that for weeks.
That’s true.. even with R-Truth hitting that guy in the head with his soda. I don’t know if it is R-Truth, he’s inability to convince me that he’s going to win, or what.
Reminds me of Bob Holly at the Royal Rumble.
He was booked to look like a menace to Lesnar.
Same with Kennedy and Batista.
Well I loved the Kennedy/Batista match. I was rooting for him throughout the match and it was really close at points.
Big Dave was winded from banging the ring rats earlier in the night.
And everything else that moved.
Speculation.
Indeed, but how about this Alberto del Rio feud with Big Show?
Ugh.
Del Rio goes from Royal Rumble winner to weiner in just months.
It seems like Smackdown’s making more use of the draft than Raw.
I think del Rio is great, but he hasn’t done anything compelling since being traded.
Sheamus, Orton, Bryan, Sin Cara, DiBiase…
Raw is just boosting Truth and Riley.
And Riley’s SUPPOSED to be on Smackdown!
And Truth was not drafted to Raw; he was already there.
No one has done well since being traded to Raw. But they explained Riley being on Raw.
Yeah, I know.
Apparently the Anon Raw GM signed him back, but I just don’t understand why he was traded in the first place.
But what they really meant was, “Shit! We can turn Riley face against Miz.”
Because they didn’t have a real plan for him until they started the dissention story line.
Which was really worked out for him though.
Definitely.
He’s losing Sunday, obviously.
Well they could go the Janetty direction with it.
He could beat Miz, but I’m not sure Riley would be able to do much else afterwards.
And what’s up with my boy McIntyre.
“Traded to Raw” doesn’t equal “Traded to Superstars.”
Poor McIntyre… I hope those months of being married to Tiffany were worth it.
He needed to get his green card.
And please Mike, he was traded from Superstars to Superstars.
He showed such promise on Smackdown before the trade.
All he really did on SmackDown post Tiffany was beat up Trent Barretta.
Speaking of Smackdown, why is Barrett made to look like an idiot?
He’s supposed to cold and calculating…why ruin the Corre BEFORE your title defense?
Barrett… why would he walk out on his group? I don’t understand.
Yeah well thank God that The Corre is done.. that group was uneventful for months.
They STILL never explained what the name meant.
To run in Spanish.
Not that that made any sense anyways.
I think they meant “The Corps” which is pronounced the same way, but they may have thought the crowd was too stupid to pronounce it properly.
Like how Sheamus doesn’t really have the “H.”
Wat te ell you talking about? Seamus uses aces!
Uh, yeah.
Anyways next week is Taboo… Cybe… Power of the People.
Power of the People, my ass.
It’s really “We’ll give you three options and then push the third really hard.”
Would you rather see R-Truth versus John Cena in a 1)Stare down 2)Arm Wrestling Match 3) STEEL CAGE MATCH.
Can you imagine a five-minute stare down?
That would be hilarious.
Highest rated segment all year.
How could anyone stare at that ‘intense’ stare from R-Truth and not laugh?
That would be the point! First one to crack up loses the title!
Oh man that’s unfair to Cena though.
I don’t think he could win that one unless R-Truth bowed out fast!
The WWE landscape is so dry right now that I’m clamoring for Triple H. That’s BAD.
I took a sabbatical when he was “awarded” the World Heavyweight Championship.
That’s how much I hated him.
I think H is gone… but I loved H as a heel in those days. He made me generally hate him and that was hard to do for me.
Obviously, my picture is Miz and he’s one of the top heels today.
Trips will probably return for his match against Taker next year, but he’ll probably put his career on the line ala HBK.
Yawn.
Yeah.
But to wrap this up we have one more topic of discussion… Capital Punishment.
Who are you picking to win?
I’ll be covering that in my column this week.
No freebies!
Alright well that about wraps it up for this week’s O’Really Report. Next week I’ll be out of town but they’ll be someone to step in for the 10 Thoughts on Raw.
Oh, so you mean it’ll actually be worth reading that week?
Nope not quite. You’re still posting here right?
I feel like I’m walking into an insult right about now….
The 10 thoughts will just lose it’s extra amount of flair next week. Well thanks for joining me Mike and do you have any last words before we wrap this up?
The revolution will not be televised.
Oh, and as always, so long…and thanks for all the fish.
And quite frankly my dear… that’s a wrap.
