For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 6/20/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 6/20/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your host Andrew Wheeler and there’s a lot to get to. But first…

An Indiscriminate Number of Thoughts on Capitol Punishment

1. Why would the WWE abandon all of their established and branded shows in favor of gimmick events only to abandon those gimmick events and create a generic show with a punny name?
2. Love the set. The dome of the Capitol looked awesome.
3. Sucks that Josh Matthews has been booted from the announce desk. At least Carlos and Hugo were taken out of mothballs for this event.
4. It’s nice to see the red, white & blue ropes again. Nice unintentional moment of nostalgia.
5. When they do an event in a building with poor ventilation, it winds up bringing back the “smoky back room” look that Vince always wanted to avoid.
6. Glad Cole pointed out that Dolph & Kofi have had a rivalry for the past few years. We’ve seen them wrestle on Smackdown countless times, though Vince usually likes to avoid reminding us of such a fact. Guess this is the exception to the rule.
7. They tried to play into the fact that they’ve wrestled each other countless times by having a lot of counters. I’d like to believe that was intentional.
8. Booker T seemed more upset about Dolph kicking out of the SOS than Kofi was.
9. A match ending with a sleeper in 2011? What’s old is new again.
10. So did R-Truth have to rent that limo for himself? Seems like a lot of wasted money.
11. Eve doesn’t know who Truth is anymore, mainly due to the fact that she doesn’t watch the product. Maybe if she did her in-ring work would improve.
12. The Miz keeps hearing people talking about Alex Riley wherever he goes. I live a fairly social life and I haven’t heard anyone talking about Alex Riley.
13. Miz and Mizfit get their own video package? Well, it makes them seem like a big deal. On the other hand, being the second match on the card negates most of that.
14. The Miz’s inflatable “Awesome” is back. Imagine being the guy who has to prepare those? That must blow.
15. Booker T is obsessed with watching people’s entrances to read their emotions. He’s like Dr. Phil…if Dr. Phil spent time in prison.
16. Alex Riley using Michael Cole to get a face pop was his best shot at getting a response from the indifferent crowd.
17. That suitcase has more intrigue than the one in “Pulp Fiction”.
18. Great, Alex Riley’s using the Impaler DDT, making him the 90th generic face to have that finisher.
19. Well there was no chance that the WWE wasn’t going to use an Obama impersonator.
20. I never realized how much I miss Ricardo Rodriguez until I saw Del Rio’s entrance on this show. It really does add that nice little heel touch.
21. It feels wrong to call Mark Henry’s interference a “run-in”. More of a lumber-in.
22. Mark Henry slamming The Big Show through the Spanish Announce Table. I think I saw this PPV in ’99.
23. So Mark Henry’s attack wasn’t enough to stop Big Show from competing? Way to make him look even less effective than normal. Add to that the weak ref stoppage finish and it’s safe to say this entire Show/Del Rio segment was a waste.
24. Wade Barrett is getting cheap Revolutionary War heat? Indubitably.
25. So was Wade’s entire promo designed to distract from the fact he has no entrance music?
26. Booker T just set a record for use of the words “lactic acid”.
27. So I guess the Wasteland finisher is dead now?
28. Well that match pretty much killed Wade Barrett dead.
29. CM Punk’s promos make buying the PPV worth the money.
30. Rey Mysterio is quickly becoming the world’s smallest stepping stone.
31. Kinda surprised that Christian/Orton wasn’t the main event. Doubt that anyone would have been that shocked about R-Truth not getting the top slot on the PPV.
32. So Christian becomes another victim of circumstance? Guess that means they’ll have to have another match, which is fine by me.
33. Money in the Bank stole Shane McMahon’s theme music? Blasphemy.
34. Keith Stone. Doesn’t even warrant comment.
35. Not sure why we got Kurt SwAngle versus Evan Bourne on PPV but I won’t complain.
36. That Obama promo was painful.
37. So in the end of the Cena/Truth match, I guess liquid made a face turn.

The RAW Judicial Review for 6/20/11

“The Champ is here.”

Tonight is about giving the people what they want, yet they still insist on opening with Nickelback. There’s pyro, there’s ballyhoot and there are a whole bunch of people who are going to “vote” so that creative doesn’t have to do any actual writing. The voting is done by text message, so I guess they’re getting a nice piece of that action.

We open with CM Punk, who is wearing shorts. He sits Tatanka style in the middle of the ring and says that he doesn’t trust the fans. These people make bad decisions, starting with living in Baltimore. He calls himself the best wrestler in the world. He says that he beat John Cena and Rey Mysterio and that wins and losses still matter, which makes him the #1 Contender.

He demands the GMail ding in and make him the #1 Contender, making the most logical argument ever. He wants his title shot in Chicago at Money in the Bank, and this leads to the GMail going off. Punk mocks Cole’s shtick and demands that he reads this quickly. And I paraphrase…he understands Punk’s demands but he is being asked to leave the ring. Punk makes snow angels rather than leave the ring, so now he has to earn his shot by facing Alberto Del Rio.

Punk points out that Del Rio has one fluke win, so now it’s a triple threat match: Punk versus Del Rio versus Rey Mysterio.

Tonight you can vote for Brie to face either Eve, Kelly or Beth. Hard too call anyone here a “winner”.

Tramp Stamp Title: Brie Bella v. Kelly Kelly

Kelly and Brie lock up and get tangled in the ropes before Brie bails to the outside. Nikki distracts Kelly, which allows Brie to jump her. She chokes Kelly over the second rope, which manages to get a two count. Brie gets a rest hold, which allows Kelly to screech for a while. She tries to break free but gets slammed into the mat, which would have damaged brain cells in most women.

Kelly takes control and slams Brie’s head into the mat before hitting a Thesz Press and a bulldog for two. Brie makes a comeback and drops Kelly for two. Kelly goes for a roll-up but Brie reverses. Kelly reverses that and she wins the Tramp Stamp Title.

Lawler goes in for a post-match interview. Kelly cries because this is her first title win and she promises to make us proud.

Cole tells us to set our DVR because Evan Bourne is in action.

Evan Bourne will face either Kurt SwAngle, Mave Matista or Sin Cara.

Commercial.

Did you know people watch wrestling footage online? Well, now you do.

Evan Bourne v. Mason Ryan

Well that happened. On a side note, why the hell doesn’t Mason Ryan have trunks that fit him?

Ryan swings wildly twice and we get Luke Skywalker running from the Rankor. Mason finally catches him and hits some forearms. The fans start chanting “Batista” as Bourne connects with a dropkick. Mason comes back with a clothesline that Cole called “wicked”, because apparently it’s still the 1960s.

Mason hits a backbreaker but Evan comes back with Token Offense. Mason catches him with a Gorilla Press Slam and props Bourne up on the top rope. Booker T guesses that people want to be like Mason Ryan, but it isn’t easy being green. Bourne hits a dropkick on Mason’s back and rolls him up in a terrible looking two count. Mason hits that Rock Bottom move for the pin.

Kane versus Mark Henry in either a body slam match, an arm wrestling match or an over the top rope match.

Commercial.

We’re back with a shot of people texting. Oh, and RAW Roulette is back next week. Those lazy, lazy writers.

Mark Hey-Hey-Henry v. Kane

I will be stunned if they mention that these guys were both ECW Champions. Mark Henry comes out first to tell us that when Big Show faces Mark Henry, someone gets punished. That someone? The fans.

Commercial.

We’re back and the fans voted for an Arm Wrestling Match.

Mark Henry and Kane lock hands but we get tons of stalling. They jockey back and forth until Mark Henry punches Kane in the face. The two of them brawl for a while until Henry hits Kane with the table. Henry them slams Kane through the announce table while saying that he wants to make everyone suffer. How? By watching him wrestle?

Commercial.

We’re back with a Resurrection-Truth video package. Well that makes me wanna see this match…from last night.

Here comes R-Triuth, who says that the people in Baltimore have no home training. He says that last night at the PPV he didn’t think this through. He asks who was going to try and get him. First, Truth thought it would be the computer. Then he thought it would be John Cena. But in the end, it was Little Jimmy.

Christian comes out to say that this entire show is a complete joke. He blames horrible crowds for him being mistreated, he blames a horrible GM and a horrible referee. He demands that justice be served, but sadly Catering was out. Truth takes umbrage with Christian getting title shots and Truth talks about how he hates Little Jimmy.

Awesome, here comes The Miz. He calls them both crybabies. Christian points out that Miz lost to his apprentice and they all trade “how dare you”’s and “really”’s. They then yell “Randy”, “Reilly” and “Jimmy” back and forth, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I chuckled.

Teddy Long comes out to make a six-man tag and the people will choose what kind of match it’ll be. It’s Truth, Christian & Miz versus Riley, Orton and Cena.

Kingston versus Ziggler is next and it’s either 2-out-of-3 falls, Vickie banned or a submission match.

Commercial.

Excuse me but Vickie Guerrero is out to shriek about Dolph being the US Champion.

United States Title Match: Kofi Kingston v. Dolph Ziggler

The wining vote was for a 2 out of 3 falls match. Kofi chases Dolph in and out of the ring a few times before kicking his head in on the ramp. Kingston whips Dolph in for two.

Dolph comes back with some stomps and tries a neckbreaker but gets rolled up for two. Kingston tackles him and starts punching at Ziggler. Kofi gets knocked to the outside and into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Ziggler has a resthold locked in. During the break there was the first fall when Dolph hit the ZigZag on the outside which got the first pin. Dolph comes off the ropes and hits a FameASSer for two. Kofi comes back with an SOS for the pin.

Dolph grabs another rest hold but Kofi battles back. He springboards Dolph into the turnbuckle and then starts firing off some slaps. Kofi drops Dolph and just jumps on Ziggler’s chest for two.

Dolph tries to roll Kofi up with the tights but Kingston kicks out and hits a dropkick. Kofi climbs to the second rope and hits the backsplash for two. Dolph rolls to the outside and grabs his title but Kofi hits him with Trouble in Paradise. Kingston rolls him into the ring but Dolph gets a finger on the bottom rope.

Ziggler tries to escape but he hit Kofi with an international object. Dolph rolls Ziggler into the ring but Kofi hits him with Trouble in Paradise which gets him the moral victory.

Cole blames Steve Austin for this night of stupidity. Del Rio versus Rey versus Punk in either a no DQ, falls count anywhere or submission.

Commercial.

Shawn Michaels will be the special guest next week.

#1 Contender Match: Alberto Del Rio v. Rey Mysterio v. CM Punk

Del Rio does his own ring entrance as he points out that he’s taught a lesson to everyone about destiny. Hell, the fact that he survived his feud with Big Show and didn’t lose his heat makes him a true man of destiny.

Commercial.

We’re back, folks walk to the ring and the result is a Falls Count Anywhere match. Rey rolls up Punk for two and then Del Rio for two but gets kicked in his hamstring. Rey then goes for a 619 on Punk but Alberto comes from out of nowhere with a clothesline.

Punk and Del Rio battle on the outside and Rey comes off the apron with a seated senton for two as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Punk gets caught with a headscissor. Punk and Del Rio both hit backbreakers on Rey. Del Rio then catches Punk with an armbreaker for two. Punk props Rey on the top turnbuckle but Del Rio catches him and we get a wacky three-man suplex for two.

Del Rio gets a belly-to-back suplex or two but Punk breaks it up. Del Rio charges Rey in the corner but Mysterio moves out of the way. He goes to the top rope but Punk catches him with a snake-eyes. Punk gets dropkicked in the face and Rey hits a rolling senton on Punk and then uses the momentum to leap to the outside and take out Del Rio.

Rey comes back into the ring and goes for a cross-body but Punk swats him down. Punk goes to the top rope but gets caught by Mysterio. Rey climbs up and goes for a hurricarana, but Punk holds on. Del Rio gets the Cross Arm-Breaker but Punk hits a top rope leg drop for two.

Del Rio dumps Punk to the outside but Rey sets Alberto up for the 619. He connects and goes for a cross body but Punk breaks it up and tosses Rey out of the ring. Punk steals the pin and is the #1 Contender.

CM Punk says that July 17th will be historic because he will defeat John Cena for the WWE Championship. He says that his contract comes to an end on that date and he’s leaving…with the WWE Championship.

It’s the Summer of Punk. Serenity Now!

Commercial.

Cody Rhodes v. Daniel Bryan

The match will be a No Count Out match. Man, the fans do NOT want to see these stupid gimmicks. Rhodes fires away on Bryan to start but Bryan launches Cody to the outside and connects with the suicide dive for two. He follows up with a kick to the chest and hits a snap suplex onto the ramp. Cody runs for the back but Bryan catches him on the ramp and fires off some more kicks.

Cody tries to flee but he gets whipped into the ring. Daniel Bryan comes off the top rope with a dropkick for two. Bryan does a backflip off the top rope but Cody kicks him. He then comes off the second rope with a flash kick for two.

Bryan goes for the Patti LaBelle lock but Cody blocks it and they trade small packages until Bryan wins. He then locks in the Patti LaBelle lock after the match but Teddy makes the save. They trade punches until it’s two on one. Cody brings back Hardcore Holly’s old Alabama Slam and then the Overdrive. He then puts a paper bag on Bryan’s head.

Cole tells us that Vickie Guerrero will be in a dance contest with either Booker T, Michael Cole or Jerry Lawler. Jesus.

Commercial.

Did you know people follow the WWE on Twitter? Now you do.

Whoa, Matt Stryker still works for the company. Vickie rips off Sable and Rick Rude before dancing. Her opponent is Michael Cole, who does the Vince dance. Cole wins, we all lose.

The stips for the final match are One Fall, Time Limit or Elimination.

Commercial.

John Cena, Randy Orton & The Mizfit v. The Miz, Christian & Resurrection-Truth

The match is an Elimination Match, obviously.

Commercial.

Cena and Punk start in the ring trading armbars and headlocks before Cena goes for the bulldog. He tags in Orton who clotheslines The Miz. He then drops a high knee onto Miz’s face. Miz comes back with a boot to the face and then tags in Christian who connects with a hangman neckbreaker for two.

Christian then tags in Truth, who kicks Orton in the ribs, which makes sense since Orton was supposed to have a concussion. He then locks in a rest hold that turns Orton “high-pitched red”. Randy breaks free with a belly-to-back suplex and we get the slow crawl.

Christian gets tagged in again and he goes for the Killswitch on Orton but Randy goes for the RKO but that gets blocked and he’s dropped for two. Orton pulls out the Vintage Scoop Slam and we get another slow tag and in comes Alex Riley. Riley hammers away on Christian but the ref gets distracted and Miz sneaks in to hit the SCF. Christian then gets the cover and Riley is eliminated first.

Commercial.

We’re back and Miz is picking apart Cena. Miz goes to the top rope and tries for an axe-handle but Cena turns it into the STFU. Truth breaks that up and Christian hammers away on him.

Christian tags in and he grabs a rest hold before tagging in Truth. Truth hits a punch and then the inverted suplex for two. Truth hits a Fisherman Suplex for two. We get a teased slow count but Truth tags in Miz to break it up. Miz goes for the SCF but Cena reverses it into the FU for the pin.

Truth comes in and tries to pin Cena but it only gets two. Christian gets tagged in and leaps off the top rope, but John moves at the last minute. Orton gets tagged in and he starts to hear voices and all that crap. He goes for the Unnamed Second Rope DDT, which connects.

Christian distracts Randy but gets dumped out of the ring. Randy hits the RKO for the pin. Christian spears Orton for the pin. Randy then RKO’s Christian into an FU and an STFU for the win.

This has been for your consideration.

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