For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 6/27/11
Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, vote-tabulatingist column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your margin of error host Andrew Wheeler, and by some miracle, tonight’s show is only two hours. Not only that, but instead of being booked by the “WWE Universeâ€, tonight’s show is booked by…a wheel. Hey, it is mankind’s greatest invention, so why not?
Remember that you can friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316) and give your feedback in the comment section down below. Ah, nothing like some good, old fashioned American whoring. Speaking of America, since next week is the Fourth of July, I fully expect RAW to be bursting at the seems with overly-patriotic stuff, so this may be our best chance at seeing some evil CM Punk promos without Cena having to get his heat back…for America.
Aside from yesterday’s stellar ROH iPPV there isn’t much other news going on around the wrestling world. Yes, TNAwful is actually going to book one PPV this year that people will want to see, though I doubt they’re going to do anything long term with the X-Division. Oh, and there’s all the CM Punk stuff, which could be a work or a shoot or a work-shoot or a shoot-work or whatever. All that matters is that we are going to get some killer promos.
The RAW Judicial Review for 6/27/11
“The maker of champions.â€
It’s RAW Roulette, so let’s get excited people. And what gets people excited? Nickelback opening theme music. Booker T is spinning the wheel and he demonstrates by looking all sinister.
And here comes Shawn Michaels…well, Shawn the Cable Guy. He does the full entrance, complete with the eat, pray, fireworks. From the bottom of his hillbilly heart he says he tried to stay away, but like Lawler at a high school prom, he just couldn’t resist. Shawn gave it the old college try but you can’t just stop cold turkey. Guess he’s back on the nose candy?
Shawn rattles through all of his catchphrases, now adding Mr. Hall of Fame. Must be a Native American name. He says that he isn’t the guest host but rather a dude that just showed up. Shawn then says that most hosts are out to plug something, but Shawn’s not like that. So he plugs his show without plugging his show.
CM Punk comes out and this just got awesome. Sadly he’s flanked by PuNexus, so there’s a chance they could mess this up. Oh, Mason Ryan isn’t there because he hurt himself by getting locked in a tanning bed.
Punk says that Shawn couldn’t stay away even though he said he was gonna leave. He reminds us that Punk’s last day is July 17th. Shawn says that the fans not having to hear him is a win-win-win. Punk says that Wynn is a hotel on the strip and what Shawn did when he lost.
CM Punk reminds us that he beat John Cena before and he’s going to leave Chicago with the title. Shawn says that the fans cheer him because they know he’s better than Punk. The fans chant “One more match†because I guess someone’s handing out free cigarettes. Punk says that Shawn was better than him, but no one can hold a candle to him right now. He asks if that’s a challenge.
Michaels says that they don’t smoke or drink, but Punk adds that Shawn doesn’t do it anymore. Shawn then Superkicks David Otunga, which Punk calls the greatest mistake of his life. If it leads to a match with Otunga, I couldn’t agree more.
The GMail goes off and I paraphrase…since Punk only has 3 RAW’s left, they’re going to count. He’s going to have the first RAW Roulette Match. Punk’s spin lands on “Question Markâ€. He has a mystery opponent…Kane. Yeesh.
Shawn Superkicks Slightly Perfect and bah gawd, through hellfire, brimstone and an all-you-can-eat buffet, it’s Kane!
Commercial.
CM Punk v. Kane
Kane chases Punk to the outside and he rams him into the steel barrier. Punk gets whipped back into the ring and goes low on Kane. He comes off the top rope with a clothesline attempt but Kane goozles him. Punk kicks him in the head to break out and fires away with Orton-esque punches and kicks.
Kane grabs him for another chokeslam attempt but Punk wiggles free only to be kicked in the face. Kane goes to the top rope but gets caught. He headbutts Punk to free himself but Punk slides to the outside, which really seems to have confused Kane. Punk says he doesn’t need this and gets counted out.
Later on tonight, Alberto Del Rio will face The Big Show and John Cena will fight Resurrection-Truth.
Commercial.
We’re back and apparently there’s WWE Poker. No, seriously, this is a thing.
Sin Cara v. Evan Bounre
We get the stupid tainted light but the match can’t start until we find out what the stupid stipulation is. Oh, the stipulation is no countouts.
They start with some mat-based wrestling until Sin Cara bounces off the top rope with an arm drag. He leaps off the top rope with another arm drag that sends Boune to the outside. Sin Cara slides to the outside and they stare each other down and roll back into the ring.
Bourne and Cara trade kicks and Bounre gets the first pin attempt for two. Cara springboards off the ropes and then whips off a hurricarana that sends Bourne to the outside. Sin Cara then charges with a suicide dive through the ropes to take out Bourne.
Bourne on the outside with a spinning headscissor that whips Cara into the barricade. Evan avoids a dropkick and rolls him up for two. He then goes for another small package but Sin Cara reverses it for two. Evan connects with a knee to the jaw for two.
Sin Cara leaps off the second rope with a spinning elbow for two. Bourne takes him down and hits a standing moonsault for two. Evan goes to the top rope for AirBourne but Sin Cara moves. He hits La Mistica for the pin.
Kofi and Dolph are in the back and they spin the wheel. In the end, it’s a no Vickie match. Super.
Commercial.
We’re back and the RAW MITB match is Rey, Kofi, Bourne, Del Rio, Truth, Swangle, Miz & Riley.
Kofi Kingston v. Dolph Ziggler
Kofi and Dolph brawl all over the ring and then to the outside and then back inside the ring. Dolph nails Kofi in the head and he fades to black. No, wait, it’s just a…
Commercial.
We’re back with a resthold as Cole clumsily tries to work in a K-Mart plug. Kofi gets a small package for two and they trade punches until Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise from out of nowhere for the win.
Booker T and Maryse are in the back recapping the show when Del Rio appears to complain about facing Big Show again. They spin the wheel and it lands on steel cage.
Commercial.
Steel Cage Match: Alberto Del Rio v. The Big Show
Del Rio tries to run as soon as the bell rings but he gets caught and hammered. Big Show whips him into the turnbuckle but misses a blind charge. Del Rio kicks him in the face until he falls to the mat. It was like watching a kid kick a giant, unathletic soccer ball.
Alberto now goes to work on Big Show’s leg, yet another example of foreigners taking our jobs. And now here comes Mark Hey-Hey-Henry. Big Show starts firing away on Del Rio and goes for the chokeslam but Alberto goes after the knee.
Big Show goes to the second rope and superplexes Del Rio off the top rope. Somewhere Brock Lesner is chuckling. Mark Henry then rips the door off the hinges after many attempts and he lays out Big Show. Del Rio slithers out of the ring as Henry uses the door to shove Big Show THROUGH the cage. Well that was inventive.
Commercial.
We’re back and Cole is using the super-cereal voice as we get a replay of Show being helped up.
Tramp Stamp Champion Kelly Kelly v. Nikki Bella
It’s gonna be a submission match. Nikki grabs Kelly in an armbar and there is a lot of screaming. Kelly reverses it into a Boston Crab and it’s over. It’s mercifully over. Brie jumps her and this leads to Eve running in.
Commercial.
Did you know that getting shot by terrorists has it’s benefit? You can go to RAW for free.
We get an Andy Leavine package, which shows the shitty selling of the Stunner a few dozen times. Steve Keirn & Ricky Steamboat get some camera time.
Booker and Rey spin the wheel and it’s a Tornado Match. The camera pans over and it’s…DDP? What century are we in? Drew McIntyre pops up to remind them that they’re relics and are taking his TV time. He calls himself the future of the company. I believe the future part, but it’s missing endeavors. Shawn pops up to Superkick him. He then asks for a DVD since he was always working when Nitro was on.
Commercial.
Tornado Tag Match: Rey Mysterio & Mizfit v. The Miz & Kurt SwAngle
The heels charge the faces and it’s like the world’s smallest Royal Rumble. There is no way I’m going to be doing commentary on this match with all the nonsense going on in the ring. All I will say is that three of these men were world champions and Alex Riley is the one with all the momentum.
Commercial.
We’re back and Alex Riley is lying on the mat. I can handle calling that. SwAngle stomps Rey out of the ring in time for Riley’s failed comeback. SwAngle and The Miz do some great double-teaming on Rey, which makes me wish they were a real tag team.
Rey kicked The Miz in the head but that only got two. This is actually a pretty damn good little match. Mysterio goes for the 619 but SwAngle grabs him and throws him outside. Riley comes out of nowhere with a slam for two but gets taken out with a reverse DDT on Miz for two. Riley clotheslines Miz to the outside and SwAngle boots Rey in the head for two.
SwAngle goes for the gutwrench but gets set up for a 619. Rey gets caught in an AngleLock. Riley breaks it up and SwAngle eats a 619 into Impaler DDT & Dropping the Dime for the pin.
Resurrection-Truth is having a conversation with himself before Booker tells him to spin the wheel. He does so and it lands on a tables match. Truth says that tonight John Cena’s gonna get got.
Commercial.
Tables Match: Resurrection Truth v. John Cena
Cena and Truth start it out with some mat wrestling (or their version of it) and Cena hits a Fisherman’s Suplex. He goes for a table but Truth clips him from behind. They’re back in the ring doing some hand-holding and then Cena throws a dropkick (?!). Truth rolls to the outside and grabs a table that he props in the corner like it’s a PS2 game. He goes to suplex Cena through the table but John reverses into the non-table corner.
They go to the outside for more brawling as Cena whips Truth into the steel steps. Cena hauls the table into the ring, and it seems more cooperative tonight than Truth. John goes for the FU but Punk comes from out of nowhere to move the table. Punk distracts Cena and Truth puts him through the table for the win.
Punk walks to the top of the ramp and sits Tatanka style to get some stuff off his chest. He says that he likes John Cena more than he likes a lot of people in the back. He hates the idea that Cena is the best. Punk says he is the best in the world. The only thing Cena’s better at is kissing Vince McMahon’s ass. He’s as good as Hulk Hogan was. The Rock was a better ass kisser. Punk is the best wrestler but he was vilified because Paul Heyman saw something in him like he saw something in Brock, but unlike Brock, he’s leaving with the WWE Championship. The only thing that’s real is CM Punk, and he’s proved to everyone in the world that he’s the best at everything he does. He isn’t on merchandise and he isn’t promoted or on movies. CM Punk says that the fact that The Rock is main eventing Wrestlemania instead of him makes him sick. The people that cheer Punk are the biggest reason he’s leaving because they buy the crap he isn’t on.
He said he’d go back to New Japan or Ring of Honor to defend the title. Punk says Vince isn’t a billionaire anymore because he surrounds himself with yes-men like Johnny Ace and that the WWE will be better will be better when Vince is dead but Stephanie and hunter will take over and then they cut his microphone.
They then cut to black. This was the most amazing thing on television in quite some time.
This has been for your consideration.
