For Your Consideration…The Smackdown Judicial Review for 7/8/11

For Your Consideration…The Smackdown Judicial Review for 7/8/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, brand-switching like Alex Riley column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. No, you’re not having hallucinations, I am in fact your host Andrew Wheeler and yes, this is a review of the blue brand. (Well, some of you may be having hallucinations due to the fact that it’s the weekend and far be it from me to judge…though at my hourly rate I would recommend avoiding anything illegal for the sake of your wallets). Since I was actually home on a random Friday I figured I would show the B-Show some love (it doesn’t hurt that since my wife is getting her masters and had studying to do tonight that I have the TV all to myself!).

Anyway, there isn’t any grand reason why I’m doing tonight’s show. I didn’t read the spoilers so I don’t know if anything meaningful happened on the broadcast, nor is there a particularly hot angle that I just had to recap. In fact, with the WWE overseas and RAW, Smackdown and Impact being taped, there wasn’t anything overly noteworthy (unless you count the CM Punk incident but that’s been debated to death). On top of which, the weekend tends to be a true dead zone on PulseWrestling. What that means is that I’m not doing this for the large readership numbers or because I want to generate a buzz but I’m doing it because I enjoy doing it and felt like seeing what’s on SyFy.

Remember that you can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook and post in the comment section below.

The Smackdown Judicial Review for 7/8/11

“Yessir we promised you a great main event tonight.”

We open with more contract drama. I haven’t seen this much nonsense involving contracts and stipulations since law school. Ironically, most of those debates also ended with a giant pale Irish guy attacking people. I went to a surprisingly violent law school.

Do you know your enemy? Mine is, as it always has been, Jim Belushi. Fuck him and “According to Jim.”

There’s pyro, ballyhoo and some excited folks on tape from Tucson. Josh Matthews is in the ring with Daniel Bryan, Kane, Sin Cara, Cody Rhodes, Wade Barrett, Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel. This is the ugliest bikini contest ever. Oh wait, these are the men fighting over a suitcase. Sin Cara points to the suitcase like Tattoo from “Fantasy Island”, which gets a pop.

Daniel Bryan says that he’s excited and nervous because he’s wanted that title since he was a kid, but this gets cut off by Cody Rhodes. Cody the Human Sneeze Guard talks about the grave personal tragedies of his life, like telling people who his family members are. If he wins, we will have to look him in the eye. Alrighty.

Wade Barrett is sick and tired and British, because their achievements pale in comparison to his. He won NXT before it was relegated to the Internet, he formed Nexus before it was relegated to FCW and…

Here comes Sheamus with a chair. He smacks the hell out of Wade Barrett. Nothing like making all of your top stars look like defenseless losers by having them all run away from ONE GUY.

“Lemme tul yah wus really gunnn huppn ah Money inda Bunk. Uhm gunna win da Muney inda Bank ladder mach. And den when Orton beats dat scrawny, malnourished, googlie-eyed homely weasel Christian fur da fiftieth tume, ahm not sayun mite, I’ll cash in and walk out da new Wurl Huvyweit Chumpiun. As fer tuhnite, Orton, ahm cumin for ya fellah and uhl nock da voices outta yer head.”

Man do I miss doing Sheamus promos. We get a replay of Orton punting Sheamus in the head last month, which managed to knock the last bit of pigment out of Sheamus’s head. He says that the biggest regret of Randy’s career is that he didn’t kick him hard enough.

This brings out Christian, who is dressed like an extra from Grease. He, along with all of us clueless morons, thinks that Christian can’t win at MITB. Christian asks what Sheamus called him, so he repeats the offensive terms. Hope GLAAD wasn’t watching. Christian says that even though he’s a scruffy looking nerf herder, he still beat him. Oh, and thanks to the contract being ripped up last week, Christian’s lawyers added some stipulations. I won’t bore you with the details as to why this is completely illegal, but needless to say it only exists in the WWE Universe. He asks Sheamus if he can read, so Sheamus throws a chair at him. I guess that was a no.

Teddy Long and his oversized coat comes out to book Orton/Sheamus.

Commercial.

We get the same 2005 MITB video package from RAW.

Cody Rhodes & Teddy DiBiase w/ Baggers v. Daniel Bryan & Ezekiel Jackson

So it’s Priceless versus a former Nexus member and a former Team Hilary Swank member. Regardless, those are a lot of trunks. Bryan and Teddy start it out with a lock-up and some chain wrestling. These guys could wrestle every week and it’ll be pretty damn good.

Teddy gets muscled down by Ezekiel Jackson who then gets tagged in. Jackson launches Teddy across the ring and then launches him over the top rope. Zeke knocks Rhodes off the apron and tags in Daniel Bryan who hits a Suicide Dive through the ropes onto the heels and into a…

Commercial.

We’re back with Cody and Teddy double-teaming Bryan. During the break Cody flipped Daniel Bryan over his head and hit an Alabama Slam. Booker calls it a sidewalk slam. He was a former world champion. I have no speech.

Teddy locks in a resthold, which gives the people in Arizona a chance to clap. But not too loudly because they might draw attention to themselves and be asked to prevent their papers. Cody gets tagged in a drops a knee for two as Cole throws in the timely “we’re not taped” reference by talking about the hot dog eating contest.

Teddy is tagged back in and he chokes Bryan in the corner. Don’t worry, he uses his boot and not a tie, so he can keep his job. Jackson tries to get in to break up the madness but he’s stopped by referee Armstrong Curse. Teddy gets another rest hold, which allows Booker more time to talk. I just want to point out that Mick Foley is sitting at home doing nothing and this guy is doing commentary.

Daniel Bryan explodes out of the corner with a dropkick and we get some slow crawling. Jackson gets tagged in and he clotheslines down Teddy. He hits a slam on Ted, a slam on Cody and then sets up for the torture rack but Cody leaped off the second rope with a flash kick and Teddy hits DreamStreet for the pin. So Teddy, who hasn’t won a match in months, pinned the Intercontinental Champion. Sure, why not?

We get a Mark Henry video package that reminds us that he’s big, strong and sweaty.

Matt Striker is in the back with Henry and questions him on the fact that he basically killed a random audio guy last week. Mark’s answer is to breathe heavily (though to be fair he was pacing back and forth).

Commercial.

Jinder Mahal w/ The Great Khali v. Trent Barreta

Well Jinder gets an entrance and Trent’s treated like Barry Horowitz, so you gotta wonder who is going to win. The story is apparently that Khali’s sister married Jinder and he will divorce her if Khali doesn’t stand next to him. Or something. I cant get over the insane amount of veins sticking out of Mahal’s arms.

Khali is on commentary (yes, you read that right). Trent goes after Mahal to start but he gets flipped in the air and slammed into the turnbuckle. Jinder hits a high knee and then signals for a field goal before hitting his Outsourced Rock Bottom for the win.

Khali climbs into the ring and he signals for the “I crush your head like so” but instead Jinder hits another Outsourced Rock Bottom. The guy may kinda have the “look” but he’s green as grass and he’s tethered to a Khali storyline. Good luck to you, Indian Del Rio.

Sheamus is in the back with Todd Grisham and I don’t have it in me to do another whole Sheamus promo. Sheamus blames his aggression on being Irish and then walks to a…

Commercial.

There’s a Smurfs commercial where one of them says “Smurf-a-bunga”. My childhood is being slowly tortured.

Snukette w/ Alicia Fox v. AJ Lee w/ Natalya

AJ is insanely cute, like a little lost puppy. Snukette looks like a fist. She grabs AJ and hoists her into the corner. Lee hits a dropkick to get free and slides through Snukette’s legs but gets elbowed in the face. Snukette whips her into the turnbuckle and hits a running ass-smash to the face. She grabs a chinlock that bends AJ in a reverse 90 degree angle. Snukette goes for a splash but AJ moves out of the way. She hits a spinning kick and then a modified Shining Wizard for two. AJ connects with a Stinger Splash and then ducks a Snukette Splash. She rolls Snukette up and gets the pin. If this took place in prison, this would have ended differently.

Commercial.

Kane v. Mark Hey-Hey-Henry

Oh come on! This is what I get for watching Smackdown?

Henry clotheslines Kane down and them hammers him in the corner. When will Kane learn that being a face saps him of his ability to be dominant? Stupid dentist. Kane gets whipped into the ropes but comes back with a dropkick to the knee.

Kane goes to the top rope but just basically jumps into a belly-to-belly suplex that gets two. Henry steps on him for a while. Kane and Henry then trade punches for a little while, and I thought it was a slow-motion replay. Kane boots Henry in the face, which gets two. He again goes to the top rope (because that always works out for him) and this time connects with a clothesline. He starts wiggling his fingers and goes for the chokeslam, but Henry headbutts him to break free. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam but Kane breaks free and hits the Chokeslam. Mark gets his foot on the bottom rope to not get pinned.

Kane kicks Henry to the outside because he wants to get revenge by putting Henry through the announce table. He goozles Henry but Henry slams him into the apron. Mark rams Kane into the steel post and tosses him into the ring. He then hits a Kool Aid Splash for two. Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam for the pin. Poor, poor Kane.

Orton is in the back with Todd Grisham. Randy says that he agreed to the insane contract renegotiations because he’s sick of hearing Christian asking for a rematch. Randy then tells Sheamus good luck.

Commercial.

Tyson Kidd v. Sin Cara

Tyson and Cara do some mat wrestling to start and Sin Cara turns an arm drag into a crazy flippy move. He tries an arm drag but botches it. Cara goes to leap onto Kidd on the outside but Tyson trips him. He runs into the ring and kicks Sin Cara off the turnbuckle. He dropkicks Sin Cara, who spins like a tornado. Tyson kicks away and locks in a rest hold.

Tyson leaps off the top rope for his elbow but Sin Cara gets the knees up. Cara kicks away and then just tackles Kidd and punches him…awkwardly. Sin Cara does the handstand elbow and a hurricarana until Tyson reverses him into the corner. Cara hits an elbow and rolls him up for two.

Kidd goes to the top rope but Sin Cara catches him. He dropkicks Kidd and then hits the Spanish Fly for the win. The sloppy, sloppy win.

Striker asks Teddy about Mark Henry and the gist of it is that Long is scared of him.

Commercial.

Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel v. Greek Booze

The Usos do their little dance to start, which is novel. It might even get them over. They’re like the Samoan Thug Spirit Squad.

Gabriel and One Uso start out and Uso takes him down for two. Slater gets tagged in and blindsides One Uso. Other Uso gets tagged in and he beats on Slater before hitting a butt bounce and a Samoan Drop for two. He goes for a splash in the corner but Slater moves. Heath hits a neckbreaker and tags in Gabriel.

Justin is on the top rope and goes for a 450 but Slater gets knocked into the ropes and Gabriel is crotches. One Uso slams him off the top rope and the other one hits a top rope splash for the pin. They celebrate as their DMX rip-off music plays.

Commercial.

Johnny Curtis is in the back being punny. This week he takes the cake.

We relive the Cena/Vince promo from RAW.

Orton heads to the ring and we head to a…

Commercial.

Randy Orton v. Sheamus

Christian comes out to do commentary and Sheamus and Orton lock up. Randy hammers away on Sheamus in the corner. They brawl for a while until they wind up outside. Once out there, Sheamus whips Orton into the barricade so hard that part of it pops off. That doesn’t seem very safe. Eventually Christian meanders over there so Sheamus tosses Orton into the ring apron as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Orton headbutts Sheamus. Sheamus counters with a knee to the stomach. Sheamus drops Randy’s arm across the top rope and then goes for the Patriot Missile. Orton blocks it and comes back with clotheslines. Sheamus kicks him in the arm so Orton hits a belly-to-belly suplex for two.

Sheamus climbs to the top rope and hits a shoulderblock for two. That’s a pretty fancy new move. Sheamus connects with the Drinking Problem Backbreaker for two. He hits some axe handles and then knee drops. Sheamus goes for the bicycle kick but Orton blocks it with an RKO attempt but that gets blocked by Sheamus who then gets hit with a reverse backbreaker.

Christian runs in and wails away on Orton. Sheamus breaks it up and hits the bicycle kick only to be hit with an RKO and that’ll do it.

This has been for your consideration.

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