For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 7/18/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 7/18/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, always money and very bankable column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your host Andrew Wheeler, and do I really need to tell you this week that it’s a packed column? Last night was Money in the Bank, and before I get to anything, I present…

An Indiscriminate Number of Thoughts on Money in the Bank

1. Before even getting to the show, it’s important to touch on the build leading up to this show. For some reason, the WWE is firing on almost all cylinders going into this show, with all of the matches having some rhyme or reason to them. Yes, there’s the Punk build-up, but beyond that there is a full card with matches that are intriguing.
2. Heard the ticking clock and thought this was the glorious return of MVP. It was not. Resume your lives.
3. Punk gets a killer opening package that makes him seem really dangerous. Either that or he’s being stalked by a crocodile that ate his hand off.
4. “Say goodbye to the title, say goodbye to John Cena and say goodbye to Hollywood.” His last words were from a Billy Joel song?
5. Of all the sponsors for the most serious show of the year, they had to go with Skittles? Taste the work-shoot, taste the rainbow.
6. I love Shane McMahon’s music. I also love the guys who made WWE Ice Cream Bar signs. And obviously I love the Titantron looking like a giant briefcase.
7. Cole, Lawler and Booker T on the microphone? Poor Josh Matthews. That kid does all the heavy lifting and gets to watch this show from catering.
8. Opening with the Smackdown MITB match seems to guarantee that this winner is cashing it in later in the night and needs time to recover. Or not.
9. Sin Cara gets a halfway decent pop but he’s becoming more and more of a failed experiment every week. Maybe changing to all white will fix this…or maybe it’ll reinforce that Power Rangers rip-off look.
10. Wade Barrett a year ago was the hottest talent in wrestling. Sigh.
11. Justin Gabriel’s music may be the worst thing I’ve ever heard. Could they not get the rights to “I Come From a Land Down Under”?
12. Sheamus is Booker T’s pick, so that should be the kiss of death for him.
13. Cody Rhodes’s hood/vest gimmick keeps getting modified to the point where he looks like he just came from an S&M bar.
14. Oh good, Heath Slater’s competing with Justin Gabriel for the worst entrance theme in the company. At least he’s competitive doing something.
15. Daniel Bryan should hopefully get some respect from the Chicago crowd, especially given the smarky angle for the main event.
16. Kane has been in 5 MITB matches, but at least he won one. Then, in not at all a moment of foreshadowing, they cut to the Spanish Announce Table. Yeah, that thing’s not long for this world.
17. The match starts off like a Royal Rumble until they’re down to Kane, Wade and Sheamus. Because when we think MITB, we think big guys who don’t do flippy moves.
18. Sin Cara can sell being hit with a ladder, so he’s got that goin’ for him.
19. Everyone gets a chance to do some offense with the ladder, so it’s nice to know that they all learned sharing on the taped brand.
20. A Razor’s Edge near a ladder? Wicked flashback.
21. Kevin Dunn has such a fetish for that camera hanging above the ring that I half-expect to see footage of his stuttering ass humping it. Now there’s an image that’ll keep you from enjoying dinner. For a month.
22. So Heath Slater is battling Kane and I found it odd that Kane is the Big Red Monster and not Heath.
23. Daniel Bryan doing the Suicide Dive out of the ring is fine, but why would you want to leave the ring when the goal is to climb a ladder in the ring.
24. That move is followed by EVERYONE doing leaping dives to the outside. Spots: 1 Logic: 0.
25. Sin Cara disabled Gabriel and Slater with crazy moves and yet he botches a headscissor attempt. Go figure.
26. Daniel Bryan can sell the Spanish Fly like it’s his job.
27. I’m surprised that the fans are rallying behind Sin Cara when he Hulked up.
28. By my count, there are 27 men in Booker T’s Fave Five. Then again, numbers are not his strong point. Neither is announcing.
29. If Sheamus wore Sin Cara’s tights, he’d look naked…and milky.
30. Powerbombing Sin Cara off the apron through a ladder is a great way to garner sympathy for him. It also was a great way for Sheamus to get a face pop. His inevitable face turn may work after all.
31. “His arm is shaking. That’s nerve damage right there.” Apparently Lawler can pronounce himself doctor in addition to king.
32. Sin Cara is being stretchered out of the ring. Hey, he stole Rey Mysterio’s gimmick.
33. So Kane gets beat down by Team Hilary Swank. Man did that stable bomb.
34. Eighteen minutes into the match Booker T points out that it’s all about the briefcase hanging above the ring. If you hadn’t figured it out by this point, seek help.
35. The fans are chanting for CM Punk already. Hopefully they don’t burn themselves out.
36. Wade Barrett being jumped by Slater and Gabriel was kinda like Scar’s death in “The Lion King”. Not sure why I went for a Disney reference, but it happened. Now we have to live in a world where I’ve done that.
37. Cody Rhodes hits CrossRhodes on Slater, to which Booker says, “That’s Cody Rhodes right there.” Again, who is he doing commentary for?
38. Sheamus’s Drinking Problem Backbreaker looks really impressive when done to anyone not named Randy Orton.
39. Sheamus and Kane doing the Doomsday Device in Chicago? Blasphemy. On the plus side, the fans chant for LOD.
40. “Kane just wiped that boy clean.” Booker, I’m begging you. And to think we believed that WCW Greed would be Booker’s low point.
41. The fans are now chanting for Daniel Bryan, which makes up for every wrong the City of Chicago has ever done.
42. When Heath Slater gets heat for simply climbing a ladder, you know the WWE has found a great upper midcard heel.
43. Wade Barrett is a bare knuckle fighter. By definition, aren’t all pro wrestlers bare knuckle fighters?
44. Wade Barrett and Sheamus would make an awesome tag team. Just saying.
45. So everyone is out of the ring and incapacitated, but rather than climb the ladder Sheamus decides to show us his love of erector sets. Heh, erect.
46. Kane chokeslamming Sheamus onto a ladder had to suck. Ow.
47. Justin Gabriel’s 450 Splash off a ladder onto Kane looked cool but it completely incapacitates him.
48. Striking elbows to break up Wasteland? With strong offense like that, they might accidentally get him over.
49. Daniel Bryan winning Money in the Bank? Clearly they’re booking for a different crowd tonight, and I for one love it. If this leads to Bryan/Punk tonight, I’ll be a very happy man.
50. A Daniel Bryan chant again? Love it. They should cut his music and let the fans on television hear the pop.
51. Hopefully Daniel Bryan won’t be the first guy to lose when he cashes in his title opportunity, but I could see Vince pull a move like that.
52. Vince arriving with Johnny Ace and a lawyer. Glad Ace didn’t screw up walking.
53. Kelly taking a belly flop to the outside would have hurt had she not had something to brace her fall.
54. Why did the Bella Twins choose to take Melina’s obnoxious screeching gimmick?
55. The Summerslam promo doesn’t have CM Punk. Coincidence?
56. For the first time maybe ever, the WWE is successfully making Mark Henry look like a monster. Sadly his blue tights are making him look like Cookie Monster.
57. Big Show has a 67 inch chest, which would be impressive if it weren’t for all the Divas.
58. Mark Henry used a submission hold. Because that’s the one thing missing from this match, something to slow the pace down.
59. Henry’s World’s Strongest Slam only gets two. Guess no one told Show this wasn’t Wrestlemania.
60. A second World’s Strongest Slam followed by two Kool Aid Splashes puts Big Show away. Well looks like somebody’s getting himself quite the push.
61. After the match he Pillmanizes Big Show’s leg. Big Show sells it like a dying walrus before yelling “Fuck!”
62. Josh Matthews gets the honor of interviewing Vince McMahon. Vince told him he didn’t resign CM Punk and that for the record Punk is the biggest ingrate ever. He says that he offered Punk the biggest contract ever but he wouldn’t sign. Why wouldn’t he? It worked out so well for Bret Hart.
63. Oh man, the RAW Money in the Bank Ladder Match has to follow Henry/Show? Those are some tough shoes to fill…because they have large feet.
64. JBLatino is out first and I really miss Ricardo Rodriguez.
65. Lawler asks if we believe in destiny where everything’s already planned out. Based on that definition, yes.
66. Kurt SwAngle is living proof that winning the Money in the Bank match doesn’t necessarily help.
67. So Resurrection-Truth went from the dangerous livewire to a wacky, crazy heel.
68. Oh Miz, poor…poor Miz.
69. Rey Mysterio kinda looked like Delirious in green. Oh, he’s dressed in green because it’s Money in the Bank. That scamp.
70. Everyone in the ring has a ladder and they all wail on Del Rio for being so stiff on RAW.
71. Truth dodged a ladder by doing a legsplit. For once his minstrel offence came in handy.
72. Alex Riley tries the super tiny ladder to get to the briefcase, thus making him look like a complete fool. And they wonder why his heat died so quickly.
73. Rey and Kofi leap off the top rope onto the field outside and Cole tells us to start our DVRs…an hour and 15 minutes into the program.
74. Evan Bourne’s AirBourne off the ladder onto everyone will be in highlight packages for years to come.
75. Del Rio kicked Bourne and Miz off the ladder and then was nailed himself in the back of the head by the ladder. Classic.
76. Miz sells a knee injury and I gotta hope that’s a work. It would suck if he were off television.
77. Have no fear, Miz fans, Nunzio’s on the case.
78. Evan Bourne has not mastered the art of the slow ladder climb. He keeps getting up there too fast and then has to pause.
79. Kofi gets the honor of inheriting Shelton Benjamin’s Spider-Man leap. Hopefully he doesn’t also inheret Shelton’s inability to get a decent push.
80. Kofi did his Boom Boom Boom off the top rope. It still looked silly but finally seemed effective.
81. Rey used the ladder to hit a 619 on Kofi and the announcers completely ignored it. Professionals they is.
82. The fans in Chicago are not buying Rey Mysterio, so I once again applaud the people of Chicago.
83. Everyone winds up on the ladders trying to get the suitcase, thus ensuring a video clip we will see in MITB promos for years to come.
84. Swagger took a sick bump off of the ladder with Kofi landing on him. Yeesh.
85. Miz hops down the aisle to a massive pop and climbs the ladder but Rey stops him to major heat. Only took a decade but the fans are finally not buying Rey Mysterio.
86. The downside to the fans hating Rey is that guys like Del Rio are getting face pops. Miz can get those and survive but the fans need to believe that it isn’t cool to pop for Alberto Del Rio.
87. Alberto unmasked Rey but got knocked off the ladder by accident. He resets and gets the briefcase.
88. Del Rio, the man of density, says that he proved how great he is.
89. Orton and Christian have wrestled like ten times, but they always seem to deliver.
90. And now the fans have turned on Orton. Guess there are a lot of Canadians in the audience tonight.
91. Orton missing the RKO by a country mile will be a gif in a matter of moments.
92. Orton kicking out of the Killswitch has signaled that Christian’s new finisher is the Spear.
93. Orton leapfrogging the Spear is a damn cool spot. As was his neckbreaker.
94. You can do a lot to a guy in a wrestling match, but spitting is just uncalled for.
95. So Orton wins with a blatant low blow to give Christian the title? Way to make Randy look like a complete fool.
96. That Spanish Announce Table lasted a hell of a lot longer than I thought it would.
97. “Randy’s in a place we’ve never seen him before.” Really Cole? Didn’t this guy attack Stephanie McMahon an almost kill Vince? But no, RKOing Christian is way worse.
98. The fans are chanting for Daniel Bryan because this is yet another example of the audience telling Vince what they want.
99. Orton delivered an encore beatdown, complete with a raspberry. He RKOs Christian again on that Spanish Announce Table but that sucker won’t sell for anyone.
100. The multiple replays of the spit are uncalled for. Not since Newman versus Keith Hernandez has here been such salivary animosity.
101. Kinda surprised Daniel Bryan didn’t cash in the briefcase. That would have been his moment.
102. Apparently CM Punk delivers messages like the nWo used to.
103. The fans again start a CM Punk chant even before his music plays. Then they ERUPT when his music hits. Not since The Rock and Steve Austin have I heard a pop like that.
104. His “It’s Clobberin’ Time” gets a massive pop as well.
105. Sadly, Punk has shaved off his awesome mustache.
106. Don’t wanna say he’s crazy over or anything but they popped when he sat Tatanka Style.
107. Cena getting booed out of the building makes me flash back to One Night Stand.
108. Punk applauds Cena, which is a very classy move.
109. Punk flashes his X logo when they announce him. Hope that doesn’t mean he’s injured already.
110. Michael Cole gives a brief history of the WWE Title to let us know how important this is. Sadly it isn’t Jim Ross telling us.
111. The arena wants Cena’s head when he snapmares him. That is the kind of response we haven’t heard in years.
112. The fans chant “You can’t wrestle” and Punk just wants to clarify that they are talking about Cena.
113. Cole mentions Bret Hart getting screwed out of the title. If they recreate the Montreal Screwjob during this show, Chicago may once again burn again.
114. Hey, the FU and the GTS have the same set-up. Coincidence? I think not.
115. Cena and Punk do a surprisingly very pro-Cena offense match for the first several minutes. John’s limited offense really gets exposed when he’s the guy in the driver’s seat. You can only do so many shoulderblocks before people get wise to it.
116. Punk high-fives Colt Cabana before throwing Cena into the ring. This leads to a Colt Cabana chant.
117. How the hell did Cena screw up a cross-body?
118. CM Punk taking a suplex over the top rope to the mat on the outside? He must be taking time off because he’s gonna need time to ice that down.
119. Cena turned an FU into a slam and Cole called that unique. In 2011, a bodyslam is “unique”.
120. An abdominal stretch? Fantastic old school move.
121. The fans boo the hell out of the Five Moves of Mediocrity, as they should.
122. John Cena tries You Can’t See Me but gets kicked in the head.
123. Punk counters the FU sort of and then SWEEPS THE LEG.
124. How the hell did Punk’s knee to the face not knock Cena legit out cold?
125. CM Punk finally gets to hit the top rope clothesline without it being countered. That move was starting to reach Flair on the Top Rope territory.
126. The STFU got quite a reaction from out of nowhere.
127. Cena rolling through the top rope cross body into the FU would have been the finish in a normal match. The GTS reversal into the STFU was impressive.
128. When Cena dragged Punk into the center of the ring for the STFU, that really felt like the finish.
129. The audience is marking out like crazy when Punk locked in a modified Anaconda Vice. This is what pro wrestling is supposed to feel like.
130. Alright so CM Punk can kick out of the FU now. Maybe this really is Wrestlemania with all of the finisher no-selling.
131. Punk kicking out of the second FU was a nice wink to the audience that this is no ordinary match.
132. Cena gets GTSed out of the ring. Once Cena gets rolled back in the ring, Vince and Johnny Ace appear. Well, here we go.
133. Cena gets the STFU and they try to do the Screwjob but John takes out Ace.
134. Punk finally hits the GTS and wins the title. Awesome, awesome end to what was an emotionally charged match. It was not the best technical wrestling match, but in terms of passion and energy, it ranks up there.
135. Vince goes on commentary and tells the ref to cut the music and bring out Alberto Del Rio.
136. Del Rio runs into the ring but gets clocked in the head with a kick, knocking him out. Punk then runs into the crowd and blows Vince a kiss goodbye. I can’t believe they saw this angle out to the logical conclusion and am actually proud of the WWE.

So there you have it. The WWE proved that despite massive amounts of evidence to the contrary that they can still produce a solid, entertaining three hour show. The fallout from the PPV happened earlier today in a number of ways. First, WWE Champion CM Punk posted a Twitter picture of the WWE Title resting in his fridge, just a few shelves away from his Pepsi. Next, Sin Cara is busted for a Wellness Violation and gets suspended, with some even pushing for him to be outright fired. Finally, WWE.Com reports that John Cena has been “future endeavored.” Looks like this might be an eventful night after all.

The RAW Judicial Review for 7/18/11

“The Champ is here.”

Or is he?

We open with Vince McMahon coming to the ring. He is accompanied by Johnny Ace and the ugliest jacket in recorded history. This is testing the boundaries of HD. Everyone is in the back watching one monitor.

Vince says he will never say CM Punk’s name again. Vince says that no one man is bigger than the WWE and it cannot be stopped. He says that they will crown a new WWE Champion tonight. Looks like they’re redoing HBK/Razor from Summerslam.

Vince then touches on John Cena. After talking with Johnny Ace, he has hatched a plan and tonight will be a historic night of RAW.

Awesome, here comes The Miz. And he’s still rocking a limp.

Lame Duck Tournament Match: The Miz v. The Mizfit

Commercial.

The bulk of Alex Riley’s pop seems to come from people liking his theme song. Riley and Miz circle each other before The Miz gets a front facelock and a roll-up for one. Riley takes out The Miz’s leg and then locks in a Boston Crab.

Riley goes for a blind charge to the corner but Miz ducks and rolls him up for two. Lawler calls this the biggest opportunity of his career. Then what the hell was MITB?

Riley counters The Miz with a knee to the back of Miz’s neck, which allows both guys a chance to catch their breath. Alex clotheslines Miz down a few times but Miz attempts a SCF.

The Miz comes off the top rope but gets dropped and Riley locks in a modified sharpshooter. The ref gets in Riley’s way and Miz hits the SCF for the pin.

Resurrection-Truth is wandering in the back talking to himself as he heads to a…

Commercial.

We get a shot of the Vince Lombardi statue, which leads to a John Morrison video package. Obviously.

Lame Duck Title Tournament Resurrection Truth v. Kurt SwAngle

Truth and Swangle trade quick falls to start the match, which confuses the crowd since they’re both “heels”. So at this point my digital television starts freezing, so if I miss some moves, oh well. This was never a play-by-play thing anyway.

Truth does his leg-split kick for two and it looks like SwAngle is pissed at having to sell that. Truth goes for an axe kick but SwAngle turns it into an ankle lock. Truth rolls through and he gets the pin.

Poor SwAngle. Poor directionless SwAngle.

Commercial.

Lame Duck title Tournament: JBLatino w/ Briefcase v. Kofi Kingston

His name is Mister Money in the Bank, and if you didn’t order the PPV you didn’t know that. Ricardo Rodriguez makes his glorious return, and I for one missed Ass-Eyes.

Commercial.

Kofi’s song is available exclusively on iTunes, or just watch RAW and have it stuck in your head for the next seven days.

Kofi gets Del Rio in the corner and hammers away on him until Alberto drapes him across the second rope. Del Rio then goes for a dive but Kofi moves and Alberto winds up outside. Kingston dives through the ropes to splash Del Rio.

They wind up back in the ring where Alberto is now in control. He kicks Kofi in the back of the head for two. Alberto goes to clothesline Kofi over the top rope but Kingston blocks it. Alberto then charges him in the corner but Kingston moves. Kofi does some of that Controlled Frenzy nonsense but Del Rio drops him with a backbreaker.

Del Rio goes for the Cross ArmBreaker but it gets countered into a small package for the win. So is Alberto now being punished for Sin Cara’s mistakes?

Commercial.

It’s a Summerslam Recall for Bret Hart v. British Bulldog. What an awesome moment that was.

Josh Matthews interviews Kofi Kingston, who says he’s gonna be WWE Champion, just without the fake Jamaican accent.

Lame Duck Title Tournament: Rey Mysterio v. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero

So by default Ziggler is the only champion on RAW. Rey and Dolph do some standard in-ring stuff before Ziggler flings Rey to the outside and slams him onto the mat. Back in the ring they trade near falls.

Rey drops Dolph and goes to the top rope with a seated sention. Ziggler kicks Rey’s leg out and hits a running snapmare for two. Rey comes back with a hurricarana into a 619 but Dolph ducked it and hit an inverted suplex for two.

Rey finally hits the 619 and connects with the top rope splash for the pin.

Vince is in the back talking with Johnny Ace as we fade to…

Commercial.

Did you know WWE has more Facebook fans than Gatorade? Did you know Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida, the greatest college on the planet?

Kelly Kelly, Natalya, Eve, AJ, Kaitlyn, Beth, Gail & Eve v. The Bellas, Melina, Maryse, Rosa, Snukette & Alicia Fox

It takes ten seconds before all the Divas brawl on the outside and in the ring Beth Phoenix flattens Rosa with the Glam Slam for the pin. There Punk, happy now?

Commercial.

More Packers suck-up clips. Meh.

Lame Duck Title Tournament: Kofi Kingston v. The Miz

So The Miz took the time to put a shirt on AGAIN just to take it off again? Seems like a waste.

Kofi muscles Miz into the corner and rolls him up for two. Kofi does that crazy head bounce off the ropes and rolls Miz up again for two. Kingston goes for a splash in the corner but Miz moves and gets two.

Kingston takes control again and hits an elbow off the top rope for two. He kicks Miz’s leg and gets ANOTHER two count. If you take a shot during every near fall, you’d be dead by now.

Kofi comes off the top rope with a crossbody but Miz rolls through for two. Miz drops Kofi off the top rope and hits the SCF for the pin. He celebrates on one knee and it looks like his nipple is all fucked up.

Truth is in the back with Scott Stanford and he says that the conspiracy won’t stop him from beating little Rey Rey.

Commercial.

Another Andy Leavine package. He grew up in a tough neighborhood but overcame adversity to go to college…at FIU.

Lame Duck Title Tournament: Rey Mysterio v. Resurrection-Truth

Truth knocks Rey into the corner and then beats him literally pillar to post. He’s just kinda wasting time until Rey wins and then will probably win the belt only for Del Rio to cash in the suitcase to win the belt.

Rey armdrags Truth to the outside and then hits a suicide dive into a…

Commercial.

We’re back with an R-Truth rest hold. This whole show has been a resthold. It’s been solid, unspectacular wrestling that filled time. Rey props Truth up for a 619 but Truth comes back with a clothesline.

Truth goes for a bicycle kick and winds up taking a dropkick to the face for two. Truth then hits the Suplex/Stunner for two. Rey comes back and hits the 619 and a top rope splash for the pin.

Commercial.

Vince comes out to the ring and says that they’re running out of time so they should postpone the finals for next week. He says that no one man is bigger than the WWE, and that is especially true for Rey.

Cena comes out and says he won’t curse or show his balls. He says that all people ever said about Shawn Michaels was that he screwed Bret. Cena wouldn’t do the same. He congratulates Punk on a great match and says that he isn’t going to play along with Vince’s games. He says that Vince has eight months to find an opponent for The Rock. He loves the WWE and feels that he belongs there. He says he’ll leave and walk on someone else’s television show, brother. Oh, a thinly veiled TNA threat.

Triple H comes out in a suit. Hunter says that there was a Board of Directors meeting this morning and the Board is concerned about the current situation. Triple H says that the Board is concerned about his questionable decisions as of late. They filed a vote of no confidence, though the business judgment rule is going to protect him here. Oh, and the family is on the side of the board.

The Board appointed a new person to handle day-to-day activities, and it’s the doofus. Hunter comes out to inform Vince that he’s relieved of his duties. They cry and Hunter leaves.

This has been for your consideration.

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