What’s up, boys and girls? Your old pal Mike Gojira is here tonight to bring you the live Raw Report. This’ll be my first live recap, so show your love and follow me at 9 pm Eastern or whatever the hell time it airs in your messed-up time zone.
Aaaaaaaand we are LIVE from Hampton, Virginia, apparently in the “Post-McMahon Era” as the commercial before the show began stated. Surprisingly, we are starting with the finals of McMahon’s tournament from last week between Mysterio and Miz. I call shenanigans involving the title by the end of the night.
WWE Championship Match
Rey Mysterio vs The Miz
Apparently, Cole says that no matter what is going on in the country, nothing is more important than this title match. Ha. He also plugs Twitter, backing my claim from last week’s Stomping Ground.
Mysterio gets in some quick offense but it’s countered by Miz as he hits his running clothesline in the corner and turned into a rest hold in the middle of the ring. Are they tired already? Miz maintains control and tosses Rey out of the ring, followed by a baseball slide. A weak “Miz is awful” chant begins. Rey hits a modified head scissors from the apron to the steel steps as we head to a commercial.
By the way, I’m sick of this trailer for Rise of the Planet of the Apes. It’s the least-wanted prequel in history.
Back from commercial, and Cole is having an orgasm from a Miz near-fall. Miz gets tossed into the post after a series of behind-the-back reversals and Rey hits a Seated Senton followed by a cross body. Miz hits a low DDT, but only because Rey is literally half-an-inch from the ground.
Standing.
Rey hits a roll-up for two (strawberry flavored) and Rey teases a 619 which is countered into a power bomb by Miz. Cole is telling Miz not to get frustrated, which obviously goes ignored. Miz attempts the SCF in the corner but winds up getting Mysterio trapped in a Tree of Woe. Rey avoids a charge to the corner and Miz is nursing his hurt knee from last week. 619 and splash from Rey and we have a new WWE Champion!
Winner: Rey Mysterio via Pinfall
Cole claims the wrong man won, which obviously means the opposite. Here comes Miz with an attack on Rey from behind and I smell a cash-in! Here comes del Rio! Rey hits del Rio before he can make the match official and Alberto runs like a scalded dog.
Hahaha. The belt is bigger than Rey’s torso.
Cole and King pimp Triple H’s big inauguration speech tonight as we head to a Summerslam commercial. I love how everyone comes out of the surf and immediately goes inside soaking wet. That’s how you catch a chest cold, people! Especially the Divas. Ahem.
My students told me they want to see The Smurfs, and I cried a little inside. Their freakin’ PARENTS were too young to remember the Smurfs.
We’re back from break and we recap the end of the match. What appears to be the entire lower card is backstage congratulating Rey…and then John Cena walks in. He congratulates Rey and walks away. Rey says he’s going to Disney World with his family as he gets sprayed with champagne.
Now we recap Vince’s onscreen firing. Despite the fact that the filter of the video is a slightly darker tint, Vince’s suit is still blindingly purple. Sad piano music plays.
To sum it up, absolutely NOTHING happened between commercial breaks. By the way, please don’t compare me to Wheeler. I’m clearly more hilarious than him. And modest. And not at all sarcastic.
Hmmm…I think I like this live coverage deal.
I just got an e-mail from Widro saying we are a reference on CM Punk’s Wikipedia page. Clearly, we’ve hit the big time.
Back from break, and we get a Raw Rewind from a month ago when Dolph Ziggler put Kofi Kingston to sleep. The United States Champion comes out to a remixed theme song. It sounds decent. Out comes Evan Bourne and maybe he could be in line for a push.
Evan Bourne vs Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrerro
Ziggler predictably overpowers Bourne from the bell and AGAIN we get a rest hold in the center of the ring. Is this what the new Triple H regime is high on? King calls Bourne “special” as both announcers say a win for him could be huge. Hmmmm. Bourne fights out of it and nails a series of kicks until Ziggler gets sent into the corner. Ziggler fights back and leaps from the turnbuckle and misses. Bourne goes for Air Bourne but Ziggler rolls and Bourne lands on his feet. Ziggler locks in a Sleeper and it’s over. I guess I should have seen that coming since they flashed back to the last time that worked.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler via KO
Ziggler rants about how great he is as the announcers throw to a rematch between Kingston and del Rio tonight.
Commercial follows, promoting the new 21st Century Superstars DVD.
I think it’s hilarious that my friend’s movie script, which is quite inventive, gets rejected but Cowboys and Aliens gets a green light.
We’re back and the Bellas are arguing with Eve as Keith Stone walks by promoting Keystone Light. Eve complains that the twins always switch out and he says he’ll fix that. He takes out a marker to write on Nikki Bella, the camera pan away, and a second later we cut back and she has an elaborate tattoo. Gotta love camera tricks.
Eve and Kelly Kelly vs Maryse and Melina
The heels didn’t even get a proper entrance. Stink face from Kelly to Maryse. Melina gets tagged in and Cole says she’s a whack job but he likes her. Kinky. King says he likes Kelly (duh!) and claims she looks like his fourth wife (he’s only been married 3 times!). I prefer Eve to Kelly, since I like my women spicy and with a little more meat on them. Mass confusion, Kelly drops Melina, end of match. Sorry, but the banter between Cole and King was worth more to write down. The ‘E seems to be playing up the “Eve and Kelly are best friends” angle that obviously will end with a feud.
Winners: Eve and Kelly Kelly via Pinfall
Triple H is backstage listening to R-Truth rant as we head to a commercial.
Promo for Smackdown, asking what Mark Henry will do next. Probably carb loading.
Back from commercial, and Cee Lo Green will perform live at Summerslam. Here’s The Game in his nice new suit. He is announced as the Chief Operating Officer, a job which Cole decides to explain to the audience. Let’s hear him speak.
Triple H says he wants to acknowledge Vince’s part in making the company what it is today. Duly noted. The crowd seems indifferent at first but the cheers increase. Triple H is here to talk about the future and congratulates Rey (despite boos from the crowd). Triple H says there will be ANOTHER WWE Championship match tonight. Rey will face John Cena TONIGHT because John never got his rematch! Honestly, can’t it wait until next week to be fair? Triple H then teases a re-signing of CM Punk, but it’s a bait-and-switch as good ol’ Jim Ross is back to call the action on Raw!
JR slobberknocks his way to the announce table and Michael Cole looks upset. He calls out Triple H for talking about the future yet he brings back, as Cole calls him, “The Walking Dead” (great show and graphic novel series, btw). Cole insults JR repeatedly, especially mocking his Bell’s Palsy (nice, cheap heat). He flat out refuses to work with JR and Triple H says he’s okay with that because he wanted to fire him but it would cost him more to fire him due to his severance package than it would to keep him. He tells Cole he has the night off and has until Friday (read: Tuesday) to decide if he wants to keep his job. Cole says he’s gonna stick around but Triple H says he has a match tonight. Cole heads dejectedly to the back as R-Truth walks out.
R-Truth calls Triple H a part of the conspiracy and talks to imaginary people standing next to him. I smell a Pedigree as Truth struggles to say “regime.” He brings up how spiders, heights, and Little Jimmy cost him his title opportunities and asks The Game to “rectify the conspiracy.” They do a bit where Triple H mocks Truth’s paranoia and mimics him by “talking to imaginary people.” Truth calls Triple H crazy for doing what HE just did and decides to leave the ring. He tells Truth to stop (and I quote, “Stop, all of you”) and John Morrison returns as they brawl down the ramp. Morrison hits Starship Pain and it is AWESOME to hear Jim Ross on commentary again.
Three matches, an hour-and-fifteen into the show. Joygasm.
Back from break and Triple H’s “Bow Down to the King” hits as Michael Cole heads to the ring in The Game’s ring gear and water bottle. He even tries to spray the liquid a la Triple H! Who is his opponent?
ZACK GOD DAMN RYDER!
Worth noting that Ryder comes out to NO REACTION.
Zack Ryder vs Michael Cole
A small “Let’s go Ryder” chant starts up as he hits the Rough Ryder to mercifully end it. No reaction to the victory, btw. Can you say Ryder was a dud? I think so.
Winner: Zack Ryder via Pinfall
JR struggles to say del Rio’s name as he pimps his upcoming match with Kofi and we head to another commercial break.
WWE Slam of the Week is Kofi’s victory over del Rio last week. Two Kofi recaps in one night?! Unreal!
Our old heat magnet, Ricardo Rodriguez, is back to introduce del Rio who comes out in a 1960s Rolls Royce.
Kofi Kingston vs Alberto del Rio
Del Rio begins with a series of vicious attacks on Kofi but Kofi manages to turn things around and sends del Rio to the outside as we cut to commercial. Jeez, del Rio’s entrance was worth an entire segment?
Hey, we’re back with another……rest hold! To be fair, this time it involves an arm and not a head lock. Kofi is in trouble as the ref pulls del Rio out of the corner. He charges and Kofi moves, allowing del Rio’s shoulder to kiss the ring post. Kofi gets fired up but favors his arm. Boom Drop connects and calls for Trouble in Paradise and misses. An armbar take down by Alberto gets a two count. Kofi reverses a roll up but del Rio has the bottom rope. Del Rio drapes Kofi’s arm over the top rope from the outside and locks in the Cross Armbar as Kofi taps out.
Winner: Alberto del Rio via Submission
A graphic pops up promoting Cena/Mysterio as we head back to the magical land of commercials.
Triple H returns to Smackdown this Friday (read: Tuesday). Josh “The Sponge” Mathews is backstage with The Miz, who is clearly pissed off that Cena gets a rematch despite causing the situation the company is in. Miz plugs his appearance on George Lopez this Wednesday and says Mysterio is not “must see” like he is. Triple H in charge is a “miztake.” Seriously, I didn’t make a cheap pun. He said that.
Rey heads to the ring and I can’t help but think del Rio will cash in FOR REALZ this time. Maybe Cena will win, then del Rio will cash in and we’ll have three champs in one night. Why not? The belt means shit at this point. Oh yeah, commercial.
Diva Battle Royal next week to determine who faces Kelly Kelly at Summerslam.
WWE Championship Match
Rey Mysterio vs John Cena
I can’t believe they’re giving away my desired main event for Summerslam for free in what will most likely only last fifteen minutes. Ah, well. Rey uses his speed to keep Cena on his feet and ACTUALLY HAS A HEAD LOCK ON CENA. Cena hits a back suplex to escape the hold but Rey fights back with kicks. Rey sends Cena to the outside and flips out of the ring onto him. On the outside, Cena uses his strength to overpower Rey and sends him back into the ring. Rey counters Cena with a DDT and gets a two count. Rey attempts an Enziguri and Cena counters with the STF but Rey gets to the ropes immediately. Rey goes for the 619 but Cena catches him up and power slams the champ for a near fall. Cena hits his shoulder blocks but Rey counters the last one with a drop kick. Counter after counter leads to a Five Knuckle Shuffle and Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Rey counters and hits another drop kick. Drop toe hold from Rey to Cena into the turnbuckle. Rey goes up top with a Seated Senton and Rey locks in the STF ON CENA! That was not a typo! Cena gets up while in the hold and uses his power to lift up Rey…but Cena’s leg gives way and he falls into the ropes! 619 into a Splash…but Cena’s knees are up to block the Splash! John heads into the corner to regain his composure. Rey climbs on top of Cena on the turnbuckle but Cena tosses Rey to the mat in a botched power bomb. Cena hits his top rope leg drop for a near fall! Cena counters a 619 into an Attitude Adjustment to become WWE Champion!
Winner: John Cena via Pinfall
“The Cult of Personality” hits and Cena looks around confused…it’s CM PUNK! He’s back with HIS title! Holy crap! Punk heads to the ring and there is a stare down between the two champions. John holds up his belt and the crowd boos. Punk holds up his and the crowd cheers. Well, so much for milking this angle. My guess: resolved at Summerslam.
Thanks for joining me for a very average Raw which resulted in nothing noteworthy other than the WWE rushing this awesome angle forward. Oh, and JR is back.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
