The View From Down Here – WRESTLING LEXICON pt 2 (M to Z)

 INTRODUCTION:

 

A continuation of the dictionary of wrestling terms…

 

 

M

 

MAIN EVENT:
The last match on a wrestling card, normally involving the best friends of the booker, the largest and least talented guy on the roster and at least one person no-one in the crowd cares about. Word of warning: Main Event does not necessarily mean “best match”. (e.g. see any Wrestlemania featuring Kevin Nash, Sid Justice or Hulk Hogan in the ‘main event’. Better yet, don’t.)

 

MANAGER:
Some-one who speaks for a wrestler, makes sure that fans know what is going on concerning that wrestler, cheats for them, makes matches for them and other general activities. In short, some-one whose job it is to make a wrestler actually seem interesting.

 

MARK:
Some-one who believes that the wrestling is actually real. Hang on, you mean it’s not real? Whoah! Of course it’s real! I read it on the Internet! What a concept – wrestling fake! Next you’ll be telling me there’s no Santa Claus or that the fairies at the bottom of my garden are just caused by me drinking too much home-made bourbon.

 

MARKING OUT:
Screaming like a little fan-girl, even though you know better. Come on, admit it. We’ve all seen you do it.

 

MASK:
What many wrestlers wear to hide their identities. After all, it may be potentially embarrassing for others to find out you are a professional wrestler, and could even be potentially damaging to your career, especially when working in such occupations as: lawyer, bank manager, police officer, teacher, nurse, doctor, pimp, accountant, plumber, electrician, prostitute, used car salesman, post office worker, painter, delivery man, serial killer, supreme court judge, politician, mass murderer or even journalist. Okay, maybe not politician, but you get the idea.

 

McMAHON:
In wrestling terms, this is a synonym for the word ego. In business terms, it is a synonym for the phrase ‘corporate monopoly.’ In the real world, it means Johnny Carson’s off-sider in the classic Tonight Show.

 

McMAHON , VINCE:
A true God amongst men. We should bow down before this supreme example of a human being and worship him for what he has done for us mere mortals and our entertainment viewing habits. He single-handedly made professional wrestling what it is today – a vibrant, accepted part of mainstream Americana with a strong corporate identity. And, if he is reading: Sir, I am available to come and write for you. Please, Sir. I wouldn’t make much noise. I’d just sit under the table and grovel at your feet a lot. Please?

 

MIDCARDER:
A polite way of saying “we don’t care about you.”

 

MONSTER HEEL:
MechaGodzilla or Gidorah. Gammera is more a Monster Face. Godzilla was a monster heel, had a face turn, and then turned heel again.

 

MOONSAULT:
Now this is a guess, but I’m pretty sure it’s when you somersault while flashing your buttocks at your opponent.

 

MOVE:
An action done by a wrestler. It should be as effortless as a ballerina… assuming, of course, said ballerina is at least 150 pounds overweight and has the grace of a pregnant rhinoceros with fleas.

 

 

N

 

NWO:
One of the most influential bunches of wrestlers ever. Originally consisting of Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, they were a true force of wrestling. And then they expanded, and we had NWO B-Team, NWO Black and White, NWO Wolfpac, NWO v2.0, LWO, OWN, BWO and probably twenty other lame variations. And that’s because of an old wrestling adage: if you’re onto something good, beat it to within an inch of its life.

 

 

O

 

OLYMPIC WRESTLING:
Lots of mat-based wrestling, holds, grapples, very few throws, holds that last a long time, subtle strategy, and all for a one-count. A very skilful and artful sport, performed by amateurs for the glory of a simple gold medal. And therefore boring and completely irrelevant to the fan of modern professional wrestling.

 

OVER:
To be popular with fans. Please note, that “over” does not necessarily mean “good.” (see Cena, John)

 

OVER-RATED:
A wrestler who gets by on looks or image alone. Wrestling ability is negligible. Kept popular and in the public’s eye by screaming fan-girls and, increasingly, screaming fan-boys. Mind you, ask those same kids about the John Cena poster in their room three years later and they’ll ask, “Who?” while looking all around themselves in embarrassment.

 

 

P

 

PILEDRIVER:
Dropping a wrestler vertically on his head. Fortunately, with those involved in this activity, this causes absolutely no damage.

 

PIN:
When one man lays on the mat and another man lays on top of him while a guy dressed like a psychedelic nun hits the mat a few times.

 

PLANT:
What it seems a majority of wrestling fans have the IQ of.

 

POP:
What everyone is waiting to happen to Ric Flair’s coronary artery while he is doing one of those psycho-insane promos.

 

POWER SLAM:
Nowadays, this is merely a transition move to set up another, more devastating move. But back in my day this was one of the deadliest of finishers. Ahh, those were the days. When Bruno Sammartino and Lou Thesz could put on a two hour draw at Madison Square Garden and no-one would leave their seats, so enthralled were they by the sheer technicality of what was going on before them. None of this seven flips in the air before landing on your opponent who kicks out at one rubbish we see nowadays. No, back then wrestling was all about holds and submissions and grappling and power and athleticism. It was a real man’s sport. Just two men in trunks, their bodies glistening with sweat, grunting and groaning with the effort. Muscular thighs pushing against one another, well-developed chests heaving with the strain, arms curled around… [We apologise but we cannot bring you any more of this definition as some may find it offensive, but others may well be excited by the thought of heaving bodies entwined within one another, a corona of sweat surrounding them like a glorious halo of… (We apologise that we cannot bring you any more of this apology, but we want to keep it all for ourselves.)]

 

PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING:
Gymnastics for fat people.

 

PROMO:
A rambling, incomprehensible speech given by a wrestler in order to explain to the audience what is happening and why. Or maybe it’s a recipe for strawberry tarts. Who can really tell? It is also proof that most wrestlers are closet stand-up comedians. I mean, seriously, listen to ANYTHING the Ultimate Warrior said, or Hulk Hogan during his first WWF run (“eat the vitamins, say the prayers”), or Hacksaw Jim Duggan, or the Road Warriors (especially when they had Rocco with them). Comedy gold! At least, it’s certainly funnier than any Eddie Murphy movie from the past ten years…

 

PSYCHOLOGY:
A fundamental of making a good wrestling match a great one. Hence, it is something of a lost art in modern professional wrestling.

 

PULL-APART BRAWL:
When two wrestlers fight over a type of easily broken bread.

 

PURORESU:
A huge monster that Gammera fought, with the head of brontosaurus and the body of a paunchy middle-aged man dressed in a cheap rubber costume. It destroyed Tokyo and seemed to have our heroic flying turtle down for the count when Gammera made the huge babyface comeback and got him in the end with relative ease. Just like every other monster that bizarre creature fought. Sort of like watching any Hulk Hogan match from 1984 to 1989 inclusive. Although more entertaining.

 

PUSH:
Over-exposing a wrestler to enure the crowd buys him as a legitimate contender. Short for “pushed down our throats until we vomit.” (see Cena, John)

 

 

Q

 

QUEBRADA:
A Mexican term for something, probably involving jumping head-first at the concrete with a few twists or somersaults added for good measure. Exactly the sort of move you see everyone using when there is a legitimate street fight.

 

 

R

 

RANA:
This is actually the Latin word for frog, but it is a move that does not involve any amphibious creatures at all. Most odd. Must check this one. Remind me not to put this in here until I’ve had a better look into the etymology.

 

REFEREE:
A man who does zebra impersonations. I mean, seriously, what else is that guy there for? He’s distracted from his job – his only job – by shenanigans outside the ring, from women yelling at him to a guy with a can opener slowly opening a tin of broiled peaches in row seventeen. He will disqualify one person for using a chair, while another person drives a Sherman tank into the ring and only gets a warning and a mandatory five count. Main pre-requisite for the job seems to be the ability to be knocked out for minutes at a time by a move that would barely disturb a haemophiliac three year old.

 

REVERSAL:
To turn a move around so that it affects your opponent. Another action you should try in real life. It also works. Really. Hehehehehe…

 

RING:
What wrestling is actually done in… most of the time. Well, seventy percent of the time. Anyway, a good two-thirds of the time. Let’s say, at least half the time at any rate. On a good night. Ahem. Sorry. It is so named because a ring is round with a hollow centre, and this object is neither.

 

RING RAT:
A female-type person/object who wants to sleep with wrestlers just because they are wrestlers. Often the sort of woman with fresh stitches in her forehead, rejected by every online dating service (including www.desperate_felons_looking_for_sex.com), with her tasselled jeans tucked into her white cowboy boots. And, of course, she gets lucky every time (though “lucky” is purely a subjective term) because wrestlers are male.

 

RING RUST:
You know, I don’t want to get close enough to a wrestler to discover if his ring has rusted or not…

 

ROCK , THE:
Also known as Dwayne Johnston. That rarity in wrestling circles – a wrestler who has appeared in a couple of good movies!

 

RULES:
Things which apply as needed, and only as needed. For example, in a tag match, the referee must see the faces tag, but take the word of the heels that they have tagged. What’s up with that freakin’ rule? God I hate that! Sorry. It must be remembered that rules may change from promotion to promotion, event to event, match to match, or minute to minute.

 

RUN-IN:
When other wrestlers come from the back to interfere in a match, often done in a vain attempt to make a match more exciting. By the way, the world “run” is relative here. “Meander” would be a better description. Or “waddle”. Or “move quicker than normal but still slower than a postman at Christmas time”.

 

 

S

 

SCIENTIFIC WRESTLING:
A match much more like amateur wrestling, only using more equations and Newtonian physics. One of the greatest scientific wrestling matches was between A. Einstein and R. Oppenheimer for the Nuclear Cup in 1944. (ended in a double-DQ)

 

SELL:
To pretend to be hurt. How we get from flogging off useless junk for an inflated profit to pain and suffering I really don’t… hang on. Now I see the connection. Ahh, my mistake. Continue your business.

 

SENTON:
One of those flippy-floppy things little guys do to look spectacular but which, in all reality, most likely hurt them as much as their opponent.

 

SHOOT:
To go against the script. It’s a good way to shoot yourself in the foot, shooting your mouth off in this situation. But if you want to shoot through, it gives the promoter a good excuse to fire you, shooting you to the winds, so to speak. Then you can say, “Aww, shoot, I didn’t know that was going to happen.”

 

SHOULDER TACKLE:
A move American footballers do in a wrestling ring to prove that they once played football. Seriously. Like having legitimate former sportsmen in a wrestling ring is going to make it seem any less fake! They do the same thing with martial artists and ultimate fighters. Next what will we see? John McEnroe come out of retirement and challenge for the title armed only with his mouth and a tennis racquet? Actually, I’d put money on him…

 

SMARK:
A fan who thinks he’s so clever just because he knows what happens behind the scenes. He’s not, by the way. Short for “SMart ARsed pricK”.

 

SMART:
Some-one who actually does know something about wrestling. Nowadays, most of these people run internet websites with a readership of almost seven, where they espouse their opinions as to why Hulk Hogan is ruining the industry, and why are there so many highspots, and why Vince McMahon is ruining the industry, and why was John Cena ever made a freakin’ champion, and why wrestling isn’t as good as it used to be, and why are there not enough highspots. And then they whinge about negativity towards professional wrestling on the Internet.

 

SPLASH:
When a great big fat guy jumps on you gut first. Only fun when you replace the great big fat guy with a woman. And she is small and petite. Except her breasts. Oh, and you’re the one doing the jumping on.

 

SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT:
A term used to ensure professional wrestling is not a “sport” (and therefore not subject to insurance premiums, etc), nor is it a pure “entertainment” (and therefore not subject to the Actor’s Guild series of unions). It is something all unto itself. And thank God for that; you wouldn’t want a lot of them running around, ruining the carpet, getting into the skirting…

 

SPOT:
A wrestling move. In fact, it is simply a move. Just a different name for it. Why use a different name? It’s just so wrestlers can feel like they have a community and use this “inside” lingo to make any non-wrestlers feel inadequate and like they don’t belong. Which you don’t. So there.

 

SPOTFEST:
The annual festival of measles sufferers held each year in Munich, Germany.

 

STEEL CAGE:
A device used to make lame workers seem exciting, and to make good workers seem insane and to make insane workers… well, more insane. Can be made of chicken wire or metal bars or links of chain or anything metal. The object appears to be to bleed the most by allowing your opponent to repeatedly beat your head against the steel. Leaping off the top has become par for the course in this day and age. But in my day a jump from the top of the cage was something to behold. I mean, it happened so rarely! But now… every pathetic wrestler feels he can look ‘cool’ by dropping an elbow from the top of ten foot of steel. It’s become so overdone that when you see some-one stand on top of the steel and do a double senton onto some poor schmuck laying on a table in another state, all the crowd can do is go, “Ooooh… So what’s next?” Just another case of modern wrestling being too far removed from… What?… My medication? Why thank-you… Ahhh… Better now…

 

STEROIDS:
Steroids? Mentioned here, in something to do with wrestling? Really? Well, I never…

 

STIFF:
The sort of drink a wrestler has after a particularly hard match.

 

SUBMISSION HOLD:
The only way most wrestlers would get a woman to sleep with them if they weren’t professional wrestlers.

 

SUICIDE DIVE:
A move which involves hurling oneself out of the ring, over or through the ropes, and at the concrete on the outside. Yes, wrestlers are generally sane, why do you ask?

 

SUMO WRESTLING:
Big fat guys in nappies bitch-slapping each other. Still more enjoyable to watch than a Jeff Jarrett match, though.

 

SUPERKICK:
A really powerful, strong kick designed to render your opponent helpless. However, it is easily foiled by a well-hidden piece of Kryptonite.

 

SUPLEX:
A move involving a throw which inverts the opponent. There are more variations of suplex than any other move in wrestling. I know that’s not even mildly amusing, but it is a rather interesting fact.

 

 

T

 

TAG TEAM WRESTLING:
When pairs of wrestlers fight against one another. Wrestlers are matched by their complimentary skills, a mixture of power and speed, and the double team moves they could perform. However, the most important thing a tag team needs is a cute name. John Smith And Frank Jones is not a good name, Alas Smith And Jones is better, the Smithjonesian Institute is better. And then, 6 months later, they break up and feud with one another.

 

TAP OUT:
Wrestling code-slang for “your trunks have moved a lot to the left and something personal is now showing.”

 

THREE COUNT:
What it takes for a wrestler to win. When wrestlers give promos, they often talk about taking their opponent “down for the three-count, in the centre of the ring, one, two, three.” They do this to dismiss stereotypes that they are stupid, muscle-bound freaks by showing they can count all the way to three. But, come on! Even drummers can count to four!

 

TITLE:
Something that is won by wrestlers. It can be a belt or cup or sash or t-shirt or stuffed teddy bear. Wrestling is the only known activity outside of boxing where there are actually more titles than active participants.

 

TRANSITION:
What is used to get from one spot or move to another. And standing up and walking to the next place in the ring does not count, no matter how much Undertaker does it…

 

TRUNKS:
Spandex! Lycra! Tightness so you can see… everything! Nothing left to the imagination!

 

TWEENER:
A wrestler between good guy and bad guy, between face and heel, between male and female.

 

 

U

 

UNDER-GRIP, OVERHEAD TWISTING AKAIO SIT-OUT POWER-SUPLEX:
No idea what this is, I just like the name.

 

UNDERCARD:
Any matches not the ‘main event’. This is where you are most likely to find occasional break-outs of wrestling occurring.

 

UNDERDOG:
A really lame Hanna-Barbera cartoon of the late 1960s.

 

 

V

 

VALET:
A female used to accompany a male wrestler, in order to distract attention away from the poor performance that the audience is bound to see in the ring, and to give the little fan-boys somebody they can tell their friends they liked to watch who wasn’t male.

 

 

W

 

WOMEN:
Irrelevant to wrestling except as eye candy. Deal with it.

 

WORKED SHOOT:
This is when… hang on, no it isn’t. It’s when… no, that’s not it either. How about… nope. God this really irks me! When these pathetic attempts by activities that are suddenly thrust into the mainstream to make it seem like they have lots of ‘cool’ lingo when, really, all they have is a bunch of wanky terms that make absolutely no sense when used anywhere else in your life. Would you go in and give your boss a ‘worked shoot’? Of course not (unless you were really, really, really sad). This means nothing! Deal with it! Christ…

 

 

X

 

X-DIVISION:
New, trendy term for the cruiserweight division, only without the weight limit and with a lot more high flying insanity. The ‘X’ stands for ‘Extreme’, which shows it’s also trendy to not be able to spell properly… or maybe this just reflects the IQ of the fans in the audience.

 

 

Y

 

YAKUZA KICK:
When a member of the Japanese mafia kicks you. If they existed. Which they don’t. The Yakuza is simply a group of industrious and honest businessmen. Honestly. Can I see my family again now please?

 

 

Z

 

ZYBYSKO , LARRY:
Old time wrestler, Not really that important or relevant to anything in the whole scheme of things, it’s just that I needed something or some-one that started with the letter Z.

 

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