The SmarKdown Rant- August 12 2011

The SmarKdown Rant – August 12 2011

I’m back!  I offer no guarantees on the timeliness of my reviews, but The Summer of Punk has intrigued me enough to give this a try again.

Taped from Sacramento, CA.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

HHH joins us to start, probably the only Chief Operating Officer on Wall Street who uses Motorhead as entrance music.  HHH makes sure to introduce both John Cena and CM Punk as “WWE champion”, which kind of muddies the waters on the continuity of the belt.  But before we get to Summerslam, Ezekiel Jackson defends the IC title against Cody Rhodes, Alberto Del Rio faces Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton meets Great Khali…and then Christian interrupts for the major announcement he promised on RAW.  Christian is offended that HHH didn’t even call, but HHH forget to because he doesn’t give a crap.  Christian’s big announcement:  He’s going to sue because Orton is mentally unstable, and that’s an unsafe work environment.   Given the WWE’s legal team, he’d probably win millions even in a fake lawsuit.  He promises to even sue everyone who buys Summerslam, so at least the lawsuit won’t be that extensive.   HHH threatens to fire him for breach of contract if Christian doesn’t go through with the match, so it’s still on for Summerslam.   Christian throws a funny tantrum (“Didn’t Randy Orton attack your family once?”) and HHH points out that no one respects Christian as of late, so he needs to earn it against Orton.  It would incredibly awesome if they dug Tyson Tomko out of mothballs and made him Christian’s bodyguard again to pay this off.

Christian v. Sheamus

I don’t really like how Sheamus is suddenly the smiling babyface now.  Sheamus pounds away to start, but Christian dumps him and they brawl outside.  Christian sends him into the post and they head back in, where Christian stomps away, then dodges a charging Sheamus and rolls him up for two.  Sheamus comes back with the backbreaker as Cole goes WAAAAAY over the top with the heel announcer thing.  Sheamus misses another charge, but recovers with a powerslam for two.  Sheamus blocks a Killswitch attempt, and Christian goes up and misses a bodypress as well.  Sheamus pounds Christian on the apron and follows with a kneelift, then in with a flying shoulderblock.  Brogue kick misses, and Christian tries to walk out of the match.  Sheamus sends him back in for the Edge, but Christian escapes and this time successfully pulls a Honky Tonk Man at 5:50.  Boy, I totally want to see him defend against Orton now.  Where’s my $60 so I can send it to WWE?  *1/2

The Divas of Doom (Beth Phoenix & Natalya) v. Kaitlyn & AJ

I’m sensing a squash here.  Natalya smacks Kaitlyn around, and the DOD hits a double electric chair drop for two.  AJ gets a tag and quickly gets caught with the Glam Slam at 1:05.  EVIL DIVAS!  I like it.

Elsewhere, Teddy Long blows off Zack Ryder because Aksana is hitting on him, complete with mysterious background music.

Sin Cara v. Tyson Kidd

The announcers explain the change in body type by noting he’s put on some muscle in his absence.  He’s also changed DNA.  Cara quickly hits a dive, but Kidd baseball slides him and they head back in.  Cara dodges Kidd and springboards in with a headbutt and flying headscissors, then hits a springboard clothesline for two.  Cara with a somersault into the corner in a fun spot, and they head up, as Kidd fights him off.  Sin Cara with a powerslam variation, and then springboards in with a senton and rolls right into a Lionsault for the pin at 2:57.  Uh yeah, I don’t foresee Mistico getting his Sin Cara gear back after that performance from Hunico.  He looked WAY smoother and more comfortable out there.  **1/2

Alberto Del Rio v. Daniel Bryan

ADR throws kicks in the corner, while an argument from the idiot announcers clarifies once and for all that the respective briefcases can only be cashed in on that show’s champion.  ADR with a backdrop suplex for two and he hooks in a top wristlock.  Bryan fights out and comes back with a clothesline for two and throws the kick combo, but ADR sweeps the leg for two.  He goes for the armbar, but Bryan dumps him and follows with a tope suicida that gets kind of messed up.  Bryan sells the arm to cover, and then misses a missile dropkick, allowing ADR to finish with the armbar at 3:35.  So he does a quick job for Punk on RAW and then gets his heat back against Bryan on Smackdown?  Weird booking.  **  Wade Barrett lays out Bryan with Wasteland to formally set up their Summerslam match.  I don’t get this thing where guys do jobs and then we’re expected to pay money to see them on PPV.  Can’t you even protect Daniel Bryan on the show before Summerslam?

Summerslam flashback:  Honky Tonk Man makes the stupidest open challenge in history at Summerslam 88.

Intercontinental title:  Ezekiel Jackson v. Cody Rhodes

Apparently Cody is no longer Dashing, which is quite sad to me.  Jackson tosses Cody around to start, and we take a break as Cody bails for advice from Ted Dibiase.  Back with Rhodes stomping Jackson down and into a chinlock.  Jackson fights out and tosses Rhodes into the corner to make the comeback, and it’s the BODYSLAMS OF DOOM.  He goes for the torture rack, but Dibiase distracts him, and the Crossroads wins the IC title at 6:46.  Jackson gets a paper bag on his head, and that’s a GREAT gimmick.  It’s original, and people can do it themselves if they want.  Jackson, who is a VERY sore loser, beats up Ted Dibiase afterwards.  Good for Cody, he’s improved a lot.  **

Summerslam rundown:  Cena v. Punk!  Orton v. Christian!  Barrett v. Bryan!  Kelly v. Phoenix!  Sheamus v. Henry!  That’s…uh…all there is, actually.

Elsewhere, Randy Orton talks about appropriate anger release techniques.

Mark Henry v. Johnny Curtis

Curtis apparently won a season on NXT.  That and a quarter gets you a cup of coffee, as they say.  It probably doesn’t help that his name sounds like an 80s jobber.   Curtis tries slugging on Henry, but gets pounded down and clotheslined.  The announcers talk about how Curtis is probably scared out of his mind as Henry finishes him with the World’s Strongest Slam at 1:00.  Why would you completely bury someone who you presumably want to invest time and money into?  Sheamus saves him from further damage and then cuts a really dumb babyface promo.  I’m not buying this dynamic at all.  Sheamus wants the match RIGHT NOW, but Henry beats up Curtis some more instead.  And also, they’re trying to build up Sheamus as their next babyface star, but obviously he’s getting fed to Henry at Summerslam to build up Henry for the inevitable Orton feud.  Point A just never leads to Point B with this show, seemingly.

Randy Orton v. The Great Khali

Orton slugs away, but walks into a forearm and goes down.  Khali stomps him down in the corner and clotheslines him to the floor, then sends him into the stairs.  Back in, Khali with the big chop, but it only gets two.  Even Undertaker couldn’t kick out of that!  RANDY ORTON CAN’T BE HUMAN!  Khali follows that up with a nerve pinch, but Orton fights up with a dropkick to tie Khali in the ropes.  Khali is no Andre the Giant.  Orton with a DDT and he starts his interpretive African dance, but Khali blocks the RKO with the headvice.  Orton slugs out and finishes with the RKO at 4:28.  ** for the match, minus ½* for Orton’s sad beard, so we’ll go *1/2 total.  Christian comes out for one last threat and we’re out.

The Pulse:

This show did absolutely nothing to sell me on Summerslam (and UFC is airing at the same time anyway, and for free no less), but it was a decent enough way to kill 2 hours.  I really like Sin Cara 2.0, though.  Hopefully he’s smarter about it than his predecessor was.

See you Monday for RAW.