For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 8/15/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 8/15/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive post-SummerFest column on the worldest of wide webs, For Your Consideration. I am your host Andrew Wheeler, and let me start off by saying that I am sorry for missing last week. See, in one of those rare moments where worlds collide, I had my first chance to have a face-to-face conversation with Pulse Glazer. He and his lovely girlfriend joined my wife and I for dinner last Monday, and by the time I got home, RAW was just about over and I didn’t have the time to do the kind of Judicial Review I really pride myself on. So instead of half-assing it, I decided to just sit it out for a week. It won’t happen again…until it happens again (though to be fair I’ve been pretty reliable week-in, week-out for the past 4 plus years).

Last night was SummerSlam and I almost 100% called the finish about a month ago. In fact, last week when they revealed that Hunter was the ref, I was able to predict beat-by-beat what would happen. But so what? Did it get me anything? Not really. Well, maybe an undeserved air of superiority, but that’s about it. In the end, JBLatino won the WWE Title, which we all pretty much knew would happen. The one wrinkle was that Kevin Nash made his “triumphant” return to take out CM Punk so that we can still preserve the whole “Triple H is a good guy” thing until he reveals it was him Austin, it was him all along.

The rest of the show was fine, with another solid Christian/Orton match and a series of kinda forgettable stuff. This show was a one-match show in terms of intrigue, and once that match ended, we all were left with a feeling that the best moments are now behind us.

Alberto Del Rio as WWE Champion isn’t going to set the world on fire. His feud with John Cena will feel very much like the same rote storylines we have been forcefed for the past few years, which isn’t really his fault. Del Rio is a great “character”, but he’s coming along at a time when the fans are clearly responding to realism. He is a late-80’s hair band to CM Punk’s Nirvana.

Tonight’s show should be the kind of post-SummerSlam show we’ve come to expect. Hunter will probably pretend to be outraged that his bestest friend in the world cost Punk the title, all the while laying the groundwork for Cena/Del Rio at Night of Champions. Resurrection-Truth will say something wacky. The Miz will say that he is good and we are lame. The Mizfit will get a pop for his music followed by prolonged silence. Kelly Kelly will get distracted by something shiny while forcing her opponent to carry a match. Oh, and Michael Cole will continue to make me envious of Ray Charles. Yes, I know he’s blind and not deaf. I meant I am envious of him because he is dead, and therefore does not know of a world where Michael Cole is the voice of RAW.

The RAW Judicial Review for 8/15/11

“The Champ is here.”

We open with some still shots from last night’s PPV. Then there’s pyro, ballyhoo and a lot of wasted paper. Triple H comes out in his fancy suit and he looks concerned. Maybe someone finally told him men with ponytails is out of fashion. Hunter apologizes to the WWE Universe and John Cena. He then says he had nothing to do with the finish of SummerSlam. Hunter invited Nash to RAW via text. Yes, text.

Out comes Alberto Del Rio, but sadly there’s no Ricardo Rodriguez. He points out that he’s the undisputed WWE Champion, in case we couldn’t see the tasteful, understated title belt. It wasn’t his intention to cash in the briefcase at SummerSlam, but after what Nash did, he had no choice. Also, it was in the script.

Del Rio will sign autographs and take pictures because that’s the champion he wants to be. He then continues to feign this whole face turn thing until he says that he likes beating Rey Mysterio and that the fans will have a new hero in Del Rio.

Hunter walks into John Cena’s locker-room as we go to…

Commercial.

Did you know U.S. Military personnel get free WWE tickets? Well, now you do.

Hey, Resurrection-Truth got music back. Good for him.

Falls Count Anywhere: Resurrection-Truth v. John Slo-Mo-Rrison

Truth and Morrison trade some quick near falls to start before John clotheslines Truth over the top rope. John leaps over the top rope and does a twirl which gets two. Morrison fires off some punches on the outside and then hits a flash kick off the barricade for two.

Truth reverses a suplex attempt and gets dropped with an inverted suplex for two as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back with Truth wailing away on John Morrison’s back. He gets a running head start and kicks Morrison in the head for two. He hits several more running knees as the fans chant for Small James. Truth clotheslines Morrison over the barricade to the outside They brawl through the crowd until Truth tosses Morrison over the barricade. John gets another flash kick out of nowhere and hits a clothesline for two. Morrison suplexes Truth onto a chair and kicks him in the head for the pin.

CM Punk arrives in the back and according to Jim Ross, he’s looking for answers, but all he’s found are…

Commercial.

We get shots of Rey Mysterio winning the title at Wrestlemania in 2006. It’s a “feel good” moment to make up for the fact that he’ll undoubtedly be humiliated in San Diego later.

Awesome, here comes The Miz. Miz says he was asked to say hello to Jared from Subway. The Miz takes a sub out of Jared’s hand and does a Subway commercial.

A limo arrives and it’s Kevin Nash and his ridiculously over-dyed beard. He walks towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back from a Whale’s Vagina, and speaking of which…

Kelly Kelly & Eve Eve v. The Bella Twins

Kelly and One Bella lock up. Kelly chokes her with her boot and then flips her with a headscisser and a bulldog. She then does a Stinkface. Other Bella distracts her long enough for One Bella to take her down. The Bellas work Kelly over for a while until Kelly drops one with a flapjack. Eve gets tagged in and hits a clothesline and a dropkick. She gets tripped by Other Bella and then One Bella goes for a suplex. Eve reverses it into a neckbreaker and hits a moonsault for the pin.

After the match, Beth Phoenix and Natalya come out to applaud them…in dresses. Buzz, your girlfriend, woof.

Commercial.

It’s Kevin Nash time. He thanks Hunter for giving him a chance to speak. Kevin says that Triple H is the godfather of his son. Nash says that Hunter told him to “stick” the winner. He says that now Triple H is reneging on his word.

CM Punk comes out and I’m kinda hoping they brought back Nash just so that Punk can rip him. Punk says that he doesn’t buy what Nash is selling. Punk then tells him to jump off a bridge. He says that Kevin Nash doesn’t know what’s good for business. Nash tells him to watch his mouth. Punk tells him he needs to watch the show. Nash asks if Punk wants to see the text message on his “telephone”. Punk shows a text about his sister thinking that Nash is dead, but it’s just his career. CM Punk is cool with Alberto Del Rio.

Nash says that Triple H has shook things up. Punk says it’s him that shook things up. Nash calls him indie-riffic. Punk brings up when Nash called Eddie Guerrero a vanilla midget. Nash tells him to get a clue, though he’s just kinda rambling. CM Punk says he likes Waffle House and Kevin putting his hands on him was a bad decision. Punk name-drops Oz, Vic Vegas and Diesel. Security appears out of nowhere to stop Punk. CM Punk realizes that there’s no security watching Hunter, so he’s off to get answers. Nash waves goodbye, though that might be him signaling that he just can’t keep up anymore with a guy like Punk.

Commercial.

Nash bursts into Hunter’s locker-room but he sees Johnny Ace. Ace wants to meet him in his office.

The Mizfit v. Kurt SwAngle

Dolph and Vickie are on commentary and are squabbling. Wonderful. They lock up and Swangle overpowers him into the corner. Mizfit comes back with a clothesline but SwAngle cheap-shots him. He hits a running Vader Bomb. He hits a belly-to-back suplex for two and then grabs a rest hold. Riley fights back with a Spinebuster. He hits some clotheslines as he begs for the fans to love him. Vickie steals JR’s hat. She runs onto the apron and puts the cowboy hat on the ref. SwAngle uses the distraction to eventually hit the gutwrench powerbomb for the win.

After the match, Dolph steps on JR’s hat. That hat was three days away from retirement.

Commercial.

Vickie is in the back looking all self-satisfied when SwAngle appears out of nowhere. He sucks up to her and we all see where this is going…awfully written fan fiction.

SummerSlam Fan Access gets a video package. A LONG video package. Punk walks into the back and Stephanie McMahon is there. Yep. Stephanie. Take this moment and think about what you did wrong in your life to make this moment happen.

Commercial.

Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne v. PuNexus

SP and Kofi start it out. Bourne gets tagged in after a few seconds and we get some innovative tag work. SP connects with a dropkick and then tags in Otunga. He stands there and puts his hand in the air. He then connects with a clothesline. Otunga tags in SP, who throws a punch. These are the tag champions. SP grabs a resthold but Bourne breaks free and tags in Kofi. Kingston gets that controlled frenzy or whatever it is that makes time travel. He tags in Evan who hits AirBourne on SP for the win.

Rey Mysterio is in the back putting his mask on as we go to…

Commercial.

Did you know people follow the WWE on Twitter? While you’re at it, you can follow me.

WWE Title Match: Alberto Del Rio v. Rey Mysterio

Rey and Del Rio start out with some mat wrestling until Del Rio winds up set up for a 619 and bails as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Del Rio is trying to pull off Rey’s mask. Rey fights back and dropkicks Del Rio in the face. Rey hits a spinning DDT on Del Rio that actually looked impressive. Mysterio gets a springboard off the ropes for two. He gets a small package for two.

Del Rio takes back control with a rest hold. Alberto gets a running head start but falls out of the ring. Rey hits him with a dropkick and then does a moonsault to the outside. They go back in the ring and Rey hits a seated senton and then goes for the 619 but gets hit with a clothesline.

Rey goes to the top rope but gets caught with an enziguri which gets two. Mysterio comes back and again sets Del Rio up for the 619 and connects. He goes to the top rope but Del Rio gets his knees up and wins the match.

After the match, Del Rio attacks Rey. He tries to break his arm and John Cena makes the save. Cena is pissed off at Del Rio because of how he won the title. John says he isn’t a champion, but rather a target. His density is John Cena whipping his ass, apparently.

This has been for your consideration.

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