There is nothing wrong with your computer monitor. Do not attempt to adjust the screen. We are now controlling the transmission. We control the horizontal and the vertical. We can deluge you with a thousand websites, or expand one single image to crystal clarity…and beyond. We can shape your vision to anything our imagination can conceive. We will control all that you see and read. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the deepest inner mind to…The Stomping Ground!
Yodelayhee holy crap, that was a prolonged intro. You’re probably wondering about that there title for this here column, eh? Well, some thoughts have been swirling around the ol’ noggin since the events of SummerSlam and beyond and I thought I’d take it upon myself to throw those thoughts at you. Wait…”I thought”…”those thoughts”…jeez, I’m an English teacher; I’ve got to use bigger words next time.
Obligatory SummerSlam Recap
I can see it now: comments flooding this page complaining about how every columnist repeats the same crap over and over. “I liked SummerSlam!” “I hated SummerSlam!” “Blair Douglas eats children to feed his hatred for Sheamus/Mark Henry matches.”
Relax! I’m actually using my thoughts on the show TO MAKE A POINT.
The six-man tag was just a way to get multiple guys with multiple feuds on the show, which is fine. Rey getting the win made sense because he was previously advertised to get his rematch for the WWE Championship the following night.
The Divas match was actually quite passable. It’s obvious that Beth made Kelly look decent in the ring and I’m impressed with how well she carried that match. i expect Beth to win their rematch at Night of Champions.
Despite Blair’s affinity for baby souls, the Mark Henry/Sheamus encounter did what it was supposed to: develop Sheamus’s character. Sure, he lost, but he took Henry to the limit and showed no signs of quitting. The slow crawl was supposed to convince us that, had there been no count out, Sheamus would have had enough left in the tank to continue.
I fully expected Barrett to pick up the win over Bryan because DB really had nothing to lose. It makes Barrett look like a worthy opponent and gives him even more of a reason to chase Bryan for the briefcase, which is where I’m imagining this feud is headed.
Christian and Orton had one hell of a match, and Edge’s involvement was, as I predicted when Christian introduced him, just to parrot what the crowd has been saying about him for the past few months. I haven’t a clue what the ‘E plans on doing with Christian now, which worries me because both of his title runs were definitely NOT befitting a guy whose sweat and tears earned him a main event position.
I was okay with the end of Cena/Punk for two reasons (as I stated in another column’s comment section):
1. Punk beat Cena AGAIN
2. Del Rio cashing in ends the bait-and-switch “will he/won’t he?” deal that the briefcase brings with it
Line of the night: “He’s been a future champion.” Really, Booker T? How could he have BEEN something that hasn’t happened yet?
Overall, I thought it was a decent PPV (Cee Lo’s sparkly Hefty bag attire notwithstanding).
Thoughts for the Future
SummerSlam also gave us the reappearance of Stephanie McMahon and Kevin Nash, and their combined actions over two nights of wrestling (the PPV and Raw) have led me to make some inferences about the direction the company is heading in, storyline-wise.
I assume that Nash’s big text reveal was meant for him to believe that Triple H wanted him to attack the winner of the match, when in fact it was someone else who texted him.
Who? Steph, of course.
It’s no secret that Johnny Ace (the character AND the real guy) has his face shoved up Vince McMahon’s ass and would like nothing more than to see the company return to the status quo. I expect that we’ll soon see Laurinitis and Stephanie in cahoots, having contracted Big Sexy to do their dirty work and discredit Triple H’s position in the company. This can go a myriad of ways.
1. We can see the return of the “Who ran over Austin?” storyline with multiple red herrings thrown at us in terms of who’s really in charge.
2. Triple H can actually be the victim here despite all evidence pointing to the contrary, and either Punk or Cena can join a new Corporation in a big swerve.
3. The Miz can become the Corporation’s most prominent puppet, who will do anything to get his hands on the gold again.
4. The company can take the easy way out and just have Triple H in charge of the shenanigans from the get-go (the worst option).
The one saving grace from this entire angle that I can fathom is the elevation of Punk to true mega star status, whether as a heel or anti-hero.
New Word of the Day: SMARKASM
(n) Using sarcasm to make a smarky comment about professional wrestling.
Mike Gojira’s Fave Five
1) CM Punk: Surprise, surprise. Punk totally shredded Nash on the mic this past Monday and made him look like a deer in headlights. “My sister thought you were dead, but it’s just your career that’s dead.” He also took it to Stephanie at SummerSlam; when she offered to shake hands, he replied, “No thanks. I know where that hand’s been.” Oh, and he won the main event of the PPV.
2) Cody Rhodes: The former Dashing One defeated paper champion Ezekiel Jackson to win his first singles title last week on Smackdown. Congrats to a well-deserving individual.
3) Christian/Randy Orton: Another tie (like last week), only this time both the Viper and Captain Charisma earn kudos for consistently improving in their series of matches. Sadly, if Christian is knocked down a peg, I don’t think he’ll be on this list for much longer.
4) John Morrison: Excellent job by JoMo on Raw against R-Truth. Truth did a fine job as well, but it looks like Morrison is coming out of his losing slump. Hopefully. Let’s work on those promos, kid.
5) Alberto del Rio: I expect del Rio to hold onto the title up until Survivor Series or even the Royal Rumble, but no further. Hey, at least we have a fresh face at the top. It could be worse; we could have another Swagger run with the title.
That’s all for this week. Once again, I will not fellate my fellow writers as it seems to no longer be hip or cool, and as everyone knows, I’m a bloody conformist.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Tags: alberto del rio, Beth Phoenix, Booker T, christian, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, john cena, John Morrison, Johnny Ace, Kelly Kelly, kevin nash, Mark Henry, Mike Gojira, randy orton, sheamus, Stephanie McMahon, Summerslam, triple h, Wade Barrett, WWE