For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 8/22/11
Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, naturally hair dyed column one worldest of wide webs, For Your Consideration. I’m your host Andrew Wheeler, and it’s another week closer to Night of Champions. Huzzah.
The momentum the WWE seemed to have built since before Money in the Bank has begun to dissipate, as CM Punk is now saddled with making a Kevin Nash program work. Think it’s easy? Just ask Chris Jericho. The way this booking’s taken such a wrong turn you’d think it was a car being driven by Matt Hardy.
Too soon?
Nah.
Fuck Matt Hardy. He has been a useless, attention-starved, narcissistic blemish on the wrestling community for years, and the fact that he’s been preaching his new-found clarity only to drive into a tree while drunk just sort of sums up who he is. (Allegedly. All people are innocent until proven guilty in the United States, which makes me wish this was going on in a part of the world where there wasn’t such a generous presumption and maybe we’d be allowed to lock him in a cage and throw fruit at him. On second thought, the amount of energy and time it would take to drive to such a place, wait in line and actually toss the produce isn’t worth it.)
Alright, now I’m all annoyed thanks to Matt Hardy, so let’s just get down to business.
The RAW Judicial Review for 8/22/11
“You’re fired.â€
We open with a live crowd shot of Canadians. Ricardo Rodriguez is in the ring as one of only two Spanish people in the country. And here comes the other one, as JBLatino rolls out and manages to not hit a tree. We get a replay of Del Rio attacking Rey, which apparently will lead him to being off television for months and months and months.
His name…gets interrupted by John Cena. Well now we’re never gonna know what his name is. Or maybe it doesn’t matter what his name is. Wait, wasn’t that already someone’s gimmick?
Cena says that everyone knows who he is and then uses the word destiny. John introduces himself. Ah, wacky Cena’s back. He’s apparently the guy who is taking the title off his waist. Cena points out that Del Rio doesn’t own a few thousand cars and that he isn’t CM Punk, so he’s going to whip his ass.
CM Punk comes out and the place goes batshit. Punk says it’s a rerun because John Cena wants another rematch. He points out that he beat John Cena twice and then Berto cashed in the briefcase, so CM Punk deserves the title shot. Del Rio points out that he’s the WWE Champion…I think. I can’t really understand most of what he says.
Punk talks about this being a conspiracy before referencing Jack Tunney. That alone means he deserves the championship. Cena and Punk both say they want to cash in their rematch clauses tonight.
Del Rio mocks the Canadians for being Canadian and says that it’s time to celebrate. This brings out Triple H and his suit and he says that he’s not out to protect Alberto Del Rio. Alberto has a match coming up next. Hunter says that a rematch clause can’t be cashed in whenever, so tonight it’ll be John Cena versus CM Punk. For free. I’m sure Nash won’t interfere. Nah, not at all.
Commercial.
JBLatino v. John Slo-Mo-rrison
Del Rio begs off to start before flashing that super creepy smile. John does some punches and kicks for two. Del Rio drops him across the top rope but John tackles him for two. Alberto attacks the arm and locks in a rest hold. Morrison dumps Del Rio to the outside and goes for a follow-up dive, but Alberto slams him into the barricade as we go to…
Commercial.
We’re back and Del Rio has a rest hold locked in on John. Del Rio whips Morrison into the corner and charges but gets launched over the top rope to the outside. Ricardo yells encouragement on the outside like a helper monkey. John fires off with some kicks and a Russian leg sweep for two.
Del Rio takes over and goes for the Cross Armbreaker but John turns it into a small package for two. John hits an ugly looking DDT for two. Morrison gets a hurricarana for two. You know, these sequences make sense for a young up-and-comer, but John’s been in the company for six years and is hardly a rookie.
Morrison goes for Startship Pain but Del Rio misses, rams Morrison into the ring post and gets the Cross Armbreaker for the win. After the match, Del Rio attacks Morrison just to hammer home the fact that John is a JTTS at this point.
Eve and Kelly Kelly are in the back talking.
Commercial.
Did you know people watch Smackdown? Well, now you do.
Nikki Bella w/ Brie Bella v. Eve Torres w/ Kelly Kelly
The Divas of Destruction do a cut-in where they say nothing. Super. Nikki and Eve do some awkward offense before Eve gets knocked to the outside. Eve takes over and does her booty popping moonsault. She goes to the top rope but Brie knocks her off the top rope, which gets two. Eve takes over and hits a neckbreaker for the win. Kelly jumps the other Bella, because she’s a babyface. The DOD walk on the top of the ramp and we fade to…
Kevin Nash. He shakes hands with some goof as he walks to a…
Commercial.
Vickie Guerrero brings out Kurt SwAngle, her next potential client. She’s wearing a backless shirt. Ye gads.
Kurt SwAngle w/ Vickie v. The Mizfit
Wow, Mizfit already lost his entrance. SwAngle takes him down and we get some mat wrestling. Mizfit gets a spinebuster to take down SwAngle, and out comes Dolph. Ziggler bumps into Vickie, which distracts SwAngle and Riley pins him. Oy.
Triple H is in the back on the phone and walking towards a…
Commercial.
Triple H says that there was a lot of controversy about Nash involved at Summerslam. What year is it that I just typed that sentence? Nash comes out to a mild Diesel chant. Hunter says there’s no conspiracy and he didn’t text him.
Nash says that he wants Punk in the ring, but Hunter points out that he doesn’t work there. Hunter name-drops Tim Hortons to get the Canadians to pop before asking Nash to leave.
Punk comes out and asks who sent the text message. He asks if it were Big Lazy or Triple H or Stephanie. He keeps the Clue references coming, which means there’s one thing I still don’t understand. One thing?
CM Punk says that he’s a habitual line-stepper and he wants to go kick Nash’s ass. Hunter gets in the way and Punk asks why Hunter’s so scared of him being champion. Triple H points out that he’s the same guy he’s always been, which I guess means he’s going to beat Punk clean for three straight PPVs. Punk makes a joke about Hunter’s balls being in Stephanie’s purse, so Nash punches him.
Commercial.
Nash and Hunter are in the back. Nash is upset about Hunter wearing a suit and he says that Triple H has changed.
Giant Penny Tag Titles: Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne v. Slightly Perfect & David Otunga
For some reason the tag champs come out to what sounds like a rap version of a song from The Lion King. SP and Bourne start it out, and Evan gets pounded like chicken in a Chinese restaurant kitchen. Bourne breaks free and tags in Kofi, who now gets the honor of selling punches. Kofi leaps off the second rope with a splash and then starts yelling Boom so Otunga pulls SP out of the ring.
SP and Otunga double-team Kofi. David slams Kofi for two. Otunga tags in SP, who hits a “perfect†dropkick. Evan gets tagged in and busts out some Token Offense which gets two. Kofi kicks Otunga in the head and Evan hits AirBourne for the pin and are the new tag team champions.
Commercial.
Kofi and Evan are in the back celebrating with Josh Matthews. Zack Ryder and some random people pour champagne on them. Hunter is in the back when Johnny Ace runs up to say that Nash has been in a car accident. Yup.
Commercial.
Did you know a lot of people follow The Rock and John Cena on Twitter?
Santino Marella v. …
Santino heads down to the ring when The Miz and Resurrection-Truth jump him. Truth says that this is what’s gonna happen to every Little Jimmy every week. He says there’s a conspiracy that everyone is in on. Miz agrees and says that he was the main event of Wrestlemania and now he’s feuding with Jared from Subway. Miz is sick of Santino being on RAW. He’s being underutilized and he demands an opportunity. They then mug for the cameras for a while as we go to…
Commercial.
Del Rio and Johnny Ace are ringside.
#1 Contender Match: John Cena v. CM Punk
Cena throws his shirt to the fans and they keep tossing it back. Cena and Punk do some mat wrestling as Lawler buries CM Punk. Cena busts out the Five Moves of Mediocrity early and goes for You Can’t See Me but Punk rolls him up for two. He hits a running knee lift in the corner and hits a bulldog as we go to…
Commercial.
Cena has Punk in a resthold but CM Punk breaks free with a belly-to-back suplex. Punk hits a clothesline off the top rope and goes for the GTS but Cena tries for the STFU but Punk breaks free. CM Punk goes for a kick but Cena locks in a Crossface. Punk breaks free and hits the GTS, but Cena kicks out.
Punk goes to the top rope and tries for the Savage Elbow but Cena moves. John goes to the top rope and hits the Rocker Dropper for two. Cena goes for the FU but Punk fires off about a dozen elbows and a knee lift for two. Cena then comes out of nowhere with the FU but Punk kicks out.
Cena props Punk on the top rope but CM Punk headbutts him off. Punk hits a crossbody but Cena rolls through and goes for another FU but Punk rolls him up for two. Punk then kicks Cena in the head. Punk goes for the GTS but Nash comes out to distract CM Punk so Cena hits the FU to win.
Del Rio runs in the ring and attacks Cena. Johnny Ace breaks it up but Del Rio keeps attacking until we fade to black.
This has been for your consideration.
