Hey there, fellow Pulse Wrestling columnists! So, I think we can all agree that nothing puts a damper on a day quite like the untimely death of yet another professional wrestler. Heartfelt, touching eulogies take time to write, but when this kind of news comes down the pipe, we need to get something out, and fast. Puzzled, I turned to the industrious folks in the so-called “mainstream mediaâ€. Turns out, they happen to have eulogy templates for just such an occasion, and all occasions, really. Rather than take the time to make my own, I managed to get my hands on Fox News’ own version. Don’t ask me how I did it, since it involved certain actions I’m not really proud of (though these actions did help me get through college), but it’s here and free for anyone to use should the need arise.
Note: while using the template, delete any italicized phrases that don’t belong and fill in all the spots in bold text with your own words.
Dear valued readers/fellow enthusiasts/jerk-wads:
We regret to/are happy to/are unsurprised to inform you of the death of legend/fan-favorite/mostly forgotten former/current wrestler <insert name here>. <Insert name here> was a <insert empty platitude> man/woman who gave tirelessly to the industry of professional wrestling and us as fans. Unfortunately their addictions/sexual predilections/crippling old age cost them dearly and created some strained relations with fans over the years. Who could forget the <insert terribly embarrassing personal or professional gaffe that everyone wishes would just go away>? Despite their penchant for <insert loathsome sexual fetish, abusive action towards fans, or barely comprehensible social-media tirades>, we’ll still have some fond memories.
<Insert name here> came to prominence in <insert decade and promotion> . It wouldn’t take long for the world to recognize their talents/ridiculous gimmick/slovenly personal appearance and begin to gobble up their merchandise/fuzzily remember their name/throw trash at them. <Insert list of accomplishments, no matter how small or ill-remembered. If no professional accomplishments exist, talk about some great matches or feuds. If those don’t exist either, make something up, but do your best to make it a little believable. Also, if you’re making things up, please avoid using plots from popular sitcoms or buddy-cop movies.>
Sadly, <insert name here> passed away on <insert date and time> from an unfortunate accident/natural causes/unnatural causes/a bear attack. Local authorities are being tight-lipped about the situation until further information is available, but this terrible loss can no doubt be, in some way, linked to the steroid use endemic to the wrestling industry. <Insert a list of half-remembered facts about steroid use that you read in a four year-old issue of Sports Illustrated while waiting in a doctor’s office. Remember: you probably have not watched or followed professional wrestling for at least a decade, so stay away from topical references.> While we, as fans, can only pray that Vince McMahon someday succumbs to the fiery, screaming death he’s got coming to him, we can however <propose radical changes to an industry that you normally wouldn’t give the time of day, since it’s obviously beneath you.>
While <insert name> became a household name/tabloid fixture/walking punchline/outspoken bear-lover, that journey wasn’t without some bumps along the way. <Reiterate some of the ugly hearsay and conjecture you used previously, but litter it with profane and salacious innuendo. Remember: this individual was a professional wrestler, and was therefore of a significantly lower moral fiber than yourself. If you find yourself in a bind, feel free to copy and paste Danny Bonaduce’s arrest record here.>
Now, however, is not the time to embroil ourselves in an industry discussion. Instead, fans all over the world/hardcore fans/fellow bear hobbyists/a drunk in Knuckle’s Pub in Tecumseh, Oklahoma will mourn <insert name here’s> death. Their obvious natural gifts/willingness to debase themselves/glaring ineptitude brought a smile to untold numbers of faces around the world. <End with more empty platitudes while also subtly undermining the industry they devoted their lives to. Bring up their cause of death once again, and keep hammering away at the fact that it is still under investigation. Was it just your typical, run-of-the-mill bear mauling, or was one of the parties involved under the influence of some kind of narcotic? Maybe the bear got into their stash? Feel free to let the creative juices run wild here.>
[Disclaimer: the preceding was meant for comedic purposes, as well as to take a stab at the mercenary eulogies written by individuals and news organizations that normally wouldn’t pay any attention to professional wrestling. It also is meant to poke fun at the pack mentality at play in these situations; most of these organizations want to use each death as a means to further the “wrestling kills†storyline they all love to run. It is not, I repeat, NOT making of fun of anyone’s death, so don’t bother whining in the comments section about how disrespectful this is. It pains us all to hear about the passing of a wrestler. Check out 10 Thoughts on Raw this week, and I’ll also be making an appearance on Inside Pulse Wrestling Radio with host Matt Harrak on Tuesday the 30th. We miss you, Macho Man.]
