For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 8/29/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 8/29/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, wacky mixed tag champ supporting column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your host Andrew Wheeler, and quite frankly my enthusiasm level is at roughly a six. Long story short, I’m coming off a weekend filled with my cousin’s bar mitzvah, and all of the collateral nonsense that’s attached to it. Add to the fact that I’m working on about four hours sleep and about twelve hours of word and the clinical term for how I feel would be “punchy”.

On the plus side, for once a crazy hurricane managed to avoid Florida. For those of you feeling the after-effects of the storm, I wish you all a speedy recovery back to electricity and no more downed trees. Those storms always suck, and even if they’re not severe, they’re still massive headaches.

Speaking of headaches, there’s a PPV on the horizon and it’s taking a lot to accept this as anything other than a transition show with fancy wrapping paper. The WWE has been deadest on doing this Cena/Del Rio program for a while that, despite a hot Cena/Punk feud, the company has opted to go down the traditional route. And that’s fine because John Cena makes money and the old super face versus dastardly heel will always find an audience, but there’s no denying that the John Cena/CM Punk storyline was something fresh and new.

Was, of course, being the operative word. I may come off as cynical but the inclusion of Triple H, Stephanie McMahon and Kevin Nash in the CM Punk storyline has pretty much extinguished all of the heat coming off the angle. The fans liked the Punk stuff because it felt new and different. Instead, we’re getting a watered down rehash of Austin/McMahon, only with the b-squad. At the end of the day, I don’t want too see Punk/Hunter in a match because (a) Triple H shouldn’t wrestle on a regular basis if he’s an authority figure (b) Punk will have to job. Where is the benefit in that? And why does CM Punk need the “rub” from working with a legend like Nash? Uh, here comes that headache again…

The RAW Judicial Review for 8/29/11

“Gorgeous George.”

There’s no pyro, no ballyhoo but plenty of Motorhead as it’s time for Triple H. He’s sporting a very colorful tie, with shades of his pop. He looks all smug and self-satisfied, which is the expression you’d get from a man who has survived sex with Chyna and Stephanie McMahon.

Hunter says his job is to give the WWE Universe the best they have to offer. With that said, he will now be main eventing every show. Nah, I’m just kidding. He just killed the brand extension.

Triple H then gets upset about Nash lying to him and he wants him to look eye to upper chest. Instead, here comes CM Punk. He applauds Hunter, probably because he’s a fan of his tie. Punk says that the performance was Oscar caliber before comparing him to Pacino in “Heat”.

CM Punk wants him to stop lying and admit that he and Big Daddy Cool are in it together. Nash comes out to the n.W.o. music. Kevin says that he lied and had Johnny Ace convinced he was in a car accident. Nash says that Punk is insulting Hunter and Stephanie and asks what kind of man Triple H is. He’s the kind of man who uses his power to get his friends jobs. He’s Hulk Hogan with hair.

Hunter says he can’t trust Nash when it comes to business, a mere 12 years after the rest of the wrestling world. Nash then points out that Johnny Ace gave him a contract. He also sounds constipated.

Punk finally interjects to fake puke. He says that the Clique is back and that people don’t wanna see him. Nash challenges him to a match and Punk demands that they make the match. Punk then talked about Hunter being a cross-dresser. And much like Hoover, he’s starting to suck.

Triple H makes it official and then tells them he has two words for them. Those two words are apparently “Suck it”.

Randy Orton then strolls out so we can be informed that he will be facing Dolph Ziggler. Sure, why not.

Commercial.

Randy Orton v. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero

Orton and Ziggler lock up and it’s a battle of unnatural tans. Randy and Dolph go back and forth for a few moments but Vickie distracts Orton and Dolph flips him out of the ring. Ziggler follows him up and hits a Zig-Zag on the outside. They tease a count-out but Randy makes it in at nine.

Dolph stomps him into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Dolph slams Randy’s skull into the ring steps. Kurt SwAngle is watching the match in the back, which is good to see. Orton hits a top rope superplex on Ziggler, which prompts Vickie to screech. Randy hits several clotheslines and then the Vintage Slam.

Orton connects with a belly-to-belly suplex for two. Whoa, haven’t seen him do that move in a while. Dolph comes out of nowhere with the FameASSer. Orton drops Ziggler with an inverted slam for two. Randy charges for the punt to the head but Ziggler connects with a Superkick for two. Orton counters with the second rope DDT and goes for an RKO but gets caught in a sleeper. He slips out and hits the RKO for the pin.

We relive Del Rio attacking Cena last week before cutting to John Cena being interviewed by Josh Matthews and his stupid haircut. Cena just wanders off towards a…

Commercial.

Did you know the AFN gets all WWE shows for free? So do people who illegally download the shows.

John Cena says that it’s awesome and then sprints down the ring. Wasn’t he just insanely serious before the commercial break? This man is mentally unstable. Cena says that Del Rio’s actions have spoken more than his words because he said he would be classy but, like the summer, he has no class. He calls out Del Rio and gets…Mark Hey-Hey Henry.

Mark Henry said he came down there to get him some. Some of what? How hard is it to finish a sentence? Henry promises to be the new World Champion and he can’t wait to put the title around his…wrist.

Christian comes out and he says that after he beats Randy Orton, he will face Henry at Night of Champions. Christian says that Cena makes him sick to his stomach because he hates people who complains about not getting his way. Get it? It’s irony.

Cena mocks Christian’s spray tan and then says that Mark Henry eats feces. Standard Cena. Sheamus comes out to even the odds, and he’s now called the Great White. Oy. Christian and Henry bail.

Johnny Ace is in the back with Charles Robinson and he books the tag match. Hunter shows up to remind him that he’s the boss. Funny, he doesn’t look much like Rick Ross.

Commercial.

The WWE won’t tolerate Hurricane Irene bullying the northeast.

CM Punk v. The Miz

Awesome, The Miz has a microphone and says that Punk is worse than Cena. He points out that he’s the most NBC Thursday Night Champion of all time and that tonight he will remind people why he deserves attention. Or at the very least a Subway endorsement deal.

Miz and Punk lock up and they get tangled in the corner. The Miz takes a cheap shot but gets greeted with a kick. Punk suplexes Miz down and tries for the Macho Elbow but Miz cuts him off and stomps him. Miz drives a knee into Punk’s back and stomps him down some more. The Miz locks in a resthold but Punk battles free only to be caught with a Reality Check for two.

Miz comes off the top rope with a double-axe handle for two. He tries again but gets caught in the stomach. Miz gets bounced off the ropes but comes back with a kick to the slicked-back hair. Punk goes for a GTS out of nowhere but gets caught with a reverse-DDT for two.

Miz and Punk trade blows and Miz tosses Punk out of the ring and into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Punk breaks free from a rest hold with a belly-to-back suplex. Punk the hits a bulldog and connects with a top rope clothesline. Punk goes for a GTS but Miz reverses it into an SCF attempt but Punk hits a backbreaker. CM Punk knocks Miz off the top rope and hits the Macho Elbow. He signals for the GTS but Resurrection-Truth runs in.

Punk dispatches both of them but then Kevin Nash does a walk-in. Miz jumps Punk from behind and he and Truth stomp him. Nash Jackknifes Punk into…

Commercial.

Triple H’s trailer premieres tonight.

Sin Cara v. Kurt SwAngle

Sin Cara bounces of Swangle for a bit and hits a dropkick. He kicks SwAngle to the outside, which allows Cole to call him “magical”. SwAngle takes over and hits a Vader Bomb for two as Vickie Guerrero strolls out. Dolph now comes out to argue with Vickie and then hops on the apron. SwAngle gets distracted and is caught with a tornado DDT and a Lionsault for the pin.

Commercial.

Giant Penny Championship: Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston v. PuNexus

The tag champs are called Air Boom. Really? Really?!

SP and Bourne start it out and Evan gets some arm drags. He misses flying knees and SP stomps him. Evan is your face in peril for a few moments until Kofi gets tagged in. He is the “Boom” part, according to Cole. Kofi comes off the top with a cross body for two. Evan takes out Otunga on the outside and in the ring Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise for the quick win.

After the match, Otunga gets in Lawler’s face. He throw the headset at Lawler and we get a stare-down.

Kelly Kelly and Eve are in the back as we go to…

Commercial.

Kelly Kelly w/ Eve v. Brie Bella w/ Nikki Bella

Brie and Kelly trade blows and Brie hauls her down by her hair. We cut to the back where DOD are babbling about how the fans cheering for Kelly are the problem. Kelly gets dumped to the outside and Eve takes a dropkick for Kelly. Kelly checks on her friend, which allows for Twin Magic. She hits an X-Factor for the pin.

Commercial.

We’re back with a Triple H movie trailer. Yeesh. All that movie was missing was a dancing chipmunk to ensure I will never see it.

Mark Hey-Hey Henry & Christian v. John Cena and Sheamus

Commercial.

Sheamus and Christian start it out and Sheamus gets smacked in the face. He responds with a clothesline. Sheamus slams Christian, who tags in Mark Henry. Henry goes after Sheamus’s injured ribs, which we know are injured because they’re covered in gauze. Henry tags in Christian, who locks in a rest hold.

Henry gets tagged back in and he rams his shoulder into Sheamus. Henry tags in Christian, who gets hit with the Drinking Problem. Sheamus tags in Cena, who launches right into the Five Moves of Mediocrity. Cena knocks Henry off the apron an then catches Christian in midair. He goes for the FU but Christian breaks free. Instead, he locks in the STFU, only for Henry to break it up.

Henry gets dumped to the outside and Sheamus leaps to knock him out. Christian hits a Spear on Christian, which gets two. Yeah, if Edge couldn’t win with that, there was no chance for Christian. Sheamus comes out of nowhere to hit the Brother Kick and Cena gets the FU for the pin.

Triple H is watching in the back when CM Punk appears. Punk asks if he’s resigning or getting a divorce. Instead, he’s informed that the match with Nash was cancelled and it’s Punk/Hunter.

This has been for your consideration.