The SmarK RAW Rant – 08.29.11
Happy birthday to ME.
– Live from Tulsa, OK.
– Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler
– COOHHH starts us out as usual, and it’s a big one. The brand split is effectively over, as RAW and Smackdown will be featured on both shows because house shows are dying fast. And from there, he moves right onto the Telltale Text, accusing Kevin Nash of being a lying liar. Instead, CM Punk answers the call, so to speak, and he too is accusing COOHHH of being a conspirator against him. Interestingly, Kevin Nash now has the nWo music, and he comes out to admit that he set up the car crash story last week because he’d really like to beat the crap out of CM Punk and COOHHH was preventing him from doing so. Nash again pulls the “You’re not a real man” card on COOHHH for not standing up for his wife’s honor, and that really pisses him off. He orders Nash to leave and not come back, echoing the sentiments of many fans, but Nash reveals that Executive Vice President of Skateboarding Johnny Ace has now signed him to a contract, so COOHHH can basically suck it. Punk interjects by pretending to barf all over the ring (ACTING!) and throwing up the Clique signs (“Click is the sound that remote controls make every time Kevin Nash shows up on the screen, and it’s also the sound that your knees make when you walk.”). Nash wants the match with Punk for the PPV, and Punk continues egging HHH on (“And by board of directors I mean your wife”). That road is not gonna end well for Punk. They’re gonna have to gimmick the fuck out of that match, but at least it’s gonna have heat.
Randy Orton v. Dolph Ziggler
If this “Supershow” thing is gonna be a permanent move, they have to start eliminating titles yesterday. Dolph slugs away to start, but gets clotheslined out of the corner. Orton misses the knedrop and Dolph dropkicks him for two and slugs him down in the corner. Orton comes back with a Thesz Press, but Dolph blocks the draping DDT by backdropping Orton out of the ring. Ziggler follows with a Zig Zag onto the floor, and we take a break. Back with Ziggler getting a two count and going to the chinlock. Ziggler puts him down with an elbow and goes up, but Orton brings him down with a superplex for two. Orton mounts the comeback with the powerslam, but runs into a boot in the corner. He comes back with a belly to belly suplex, however, for two. Ziggler gets the fameasser for two. Orton rolls him up for two, and catapults him into the corner and adds a body vice into a neckbreaker for two. Orton sets up for the RKO, but Ziggler catches him with a superkick for two. That is some amazing timing. He tries for the Zig Zag, but Orton catches him with the draping DDT instead. RKO is countered with the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, but Orton counters to the RKO at 8:47. Dolph is tremendously improved and he’s gonna make a hell of a top level babyface very soon if hey let him get there. ***1/2
John Cena joins us for more talking. Apparently Alberto Del Rio is classless and a coward, and therefore Cena is going to kick his teeth down his throat as a result. However, Mark Henry answers the challenge instead, hyping the cage match tomorrow night by threatening the winner. Why Cena would care about that, I’m not sure, but Christian also joins us before we can explore the question further. Cena buries both of them and a heel beatdown seems imminent, but Sheamus makes the save and obviously we have a tag match for later tonight. I don’t really get what anyone’s issue was here.
Meanwhile, COOHHH and Executive Vice President of Dynamic Dudes Johnny Ace have words over who gets to make that tag team match for tonight. It’s not like it’s such a hot main event that people would be fighting over who gets to take credit.
CM Punk v. The Miz
Miz slugs him down in the corner, but Punk fires back with an elbow and suplex. He goes up and gets crotched, and Miz stomps him down for two. Miz works the back with knees and adds a kneelift for two. They exchange leg kicks, but Miz gets a DDT for two. Miz goes to the chinlock and adds the neckbreaker for two. Miz with the corner clothesline and he goes up, but Punk nails him coming down. Miz comes back with a kick to the head for two and goes to the chinlock again. Punk tries the GTS, but Miz reverses to an inverted DDT for two while Cole rages against the machine and gets behind Miz, which pretty much destroys the commentary. Miz with a Rude Awakening for two and Cole descends into insanity yet again, mocking JR and totally ignoring the match. Miz sends Punk into the post and we take a break. Back with Miz holding another chinlock, but Punk escapes with a backdrop suplex. He comes back with a leg lariat and the knee/bulldog out of the corner, and follows with the springboard clothesline. GTS is blocked by Miz, but Punk hits the butterfly backbreaker for two. Punk goes up again and they fight for the superplex, but Miz goes down and eats the Macho Elbow. This draws R-Truth out for the DQ at 10:41. Really? All that time for THAT finish? They just didn’t mesh at all and the crowd was dead by the end of it, and Cole’s ridiculous self-parody didn’t help matters. ** Punk fights off the Awesome Truth, but Kevin Nash limps out to provide enough distraction for a heel beatdown. Nash adds the Poochiebomb for good measure.
Sin Cara v. Jack Swagger
This is not gonna be pretty. Cara tosses him and hits him with a quebrada, but Swagger clobbers him with a clothesline as Vickie comes out to scout things. Sin Cara with a sunset flip for two, but Swagger shoulderblocks him down for two. And then more drama with Vickie and Swagger, as Dolph distracts him and Sin Cara gets a tornado DDT and lionsault to finish at 3:08. This whole Swagger-Ziggler feud is really dumb. They should just team them up as Zig Swag or something and quit with the soap opera crap. *
WWE tag titles:Â Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston v. David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty
The champs are now officially named Air Boom. I would have voted for Not Bourne In Jamaica (TM Justin Shapiro) but I didn’t get a vote apparently. Perfect Jr. stomps Bourne down in the corner and adds a dropkick for two, and Otunga whips him into Bourne with an elbow for two. I think it’s weird that they play up McGillicutty as a third-generation star, but they can’t say who he’s related to for some reason. Kingston gets a lukewarm tag and hits McGillicutty with a springboard bodyblock, while Bourne hits Otunga with a dive to the outside. Kingston finishes with the wacky kick at 2:24 as they beat Nexus increasingly easy every chance they get. *1/2 The former champs confront Jerry Lawler for his burial of them afterwards, but nothing comes of it yet.
Kelly Kelly v. Brie Bella
This is non-title, I guess. Brie takes Kelly down and gives her the dreaded hair pull while the DIVAS OF DOOM watch from backstage. Kelly gets a swinging headscissors and they fight to the floor, but Eve gets wiped out by mistake. The Bellas switch during the confusion, and Nikki finishes with the carpet muncher at 2:15. The replay shows that the baseball slide that took out Eve actually missed by a good two feet. DUD
John Cena & Sheamus v. Mark Henry & Christian
Sheamus slugs Christian down and adds a slam, so Christian quickly tags out to Henry. Sheamus uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS to put Henry down, but walks into a clothesline. Henry pulls off Sheamus’s rib tape, which once again begs the question: Why would anyone bother to tape their ribs? It just provides a target and inevitably they’re going to get hurt again anyway. Be a MAN and just go there and deal with it. Christian holds a facelock and Henry works on the ribs with shoulderblocks in the corner. Christian comes off the middle rope, but gets caught with the backbreaker and Cena gets the hot tag. Five knuckle shuffle for Christian and he adds a corner splash and powerslam, but can’t get the FU. He hooks the STF instead, but Henry breaks it up. Sheamus gets involved and I finally get to say that IT’S BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, as Christian spears Cena for two. He goes to finish, but Sheamus hits the big kick and Cena finishes at 5:40. Well the babyfaces barely broke a sweat there. **
Meanwhile, Punk goes to further antagonize COOHHH, but we learn that it’s now Punk v. COOHHH at the PPV instead of Nash. I don’t understand this company at all. Why build up the one match for weeks and then switch matches during the SAME SHOW that you announced it?
The Pulse:
It was a strong start with the Orton match, but they had nothing new to say to build up to the PPV, and the show went down the toilet pretty quickly, leading to a nothing main event. Not such a Super Show tonight. Hopefully Smackdown is better.
