The SmarK Rant for Impact Wrestling – 09.01.11

The SmarK Rant for Impact! Wrestling – 09.01.11

– Taped from Huntsville, AB.

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Tazz

Hulk Hogan starts us out, with a pretty cool looking t-shirt, actually.  I’ve often wondered why WWE didn’t jump on the Xtreme Couture bandwagon and do shirts like that.  So two weeks from now, it’s Sting v. Ric Flair, and since Vince Russo is booking there’s STIPULATIONS~!  Either Sting loses and retires, or he wins and gets to wrestle Hulk Hogan.  Uh, duh, wonder who’s gonna win?  Kurt Angle joins him, as Hulk assures Kurt that the company will be much healthier once Hulk takes over completely.  So tonight it’s Angle v. Sting for the title.  The Hogan conversation about saving the company raises yet another Russo cliché – the dueling authority figures, as we’ve got the never-seen Network, Hulk Hogan, Dixie Carter, Jeff Jarrett and Eric Bischoff all acting as figureheads in and out of kayfabe all over the place.  Anyway, Sting interrupts, still CRAZY and cutting entertaining promos.  He can sell a match, but it’s not a match I want to see.  But just at the point where Sting should walk away and end the segment, Hogan answers to keep it going longer, announcing himself as special enforcer.  Oh, there’s the overbooking we were all waiting for.

Last week:  Crimson gets attacked by Samoa Joe and he’s OUT of the Team Challenge Series.  Oh, that’s gonna hurt Baron’s Blitzers.  So your final four:  Beer Money, Bully Ray and either Gunner or RVD.   I guess you could possibly book a worse final four if you were trying.  Why book a weeks-long tournament if you’re just going to undermine the whole point of it by removing the guy who won all his matches and dominated everyone else?  Wow, what a SWERVE.

Team Challenge Series tiebreak:  Gunner (Larry’s Legends) v. Rob Van Dam (Sarge’s Snipers)

I’m sorry, but I can’t take anyone seriously who shares the name of a Nelson brother.  RVD works a headlock on Gunner while Samoa Joe kicks Matt Morgan in the nuts at ringside, because apparently everyone must have 3 feuds ongoing all the time.  Gunner tosses RVD, and back in he gets two.  Rob blocks a suplex attempt and comes back with a superkick and a pair of clotheslines for two, and Rolling Thunder gets two.  Gunner gets a forearm for two, but now Jerry Lynn comes out to put our run-in count at three people already.  Rob sends him away and goes to finish, but Gunner rolls him up for two.  Rob gets a rollup for two.  Missile dropkick (with a weird camera angle) gets two, and a heel kick gets two.  To the top, but Lynn returns and pushes him down, allowing Gunner to finish with a high knee at 5:00.  If you wanna push the guy, push the guy, don’t book him to back into the PPV.  Decently worked match, even if you could see the screwjob finish coming from a mile away.  **1/2

Eric Bischoff has a major announcement for all the chicks:  Karen Jarrett will be managing the Knockouts division.  Oh man, he totally swerved Traci Brooks after she fucked him, I’m gonna run out and buy the PPV that this is clearly leading to.  You know what I was just thinking?  This show could use another authority figure!  Who doesn’t love them?  So ODB and Jackie are now hired.  Whew.

Austin Aries & Kid Kash v. Brian Kendrick & Jesse Sorenson

Kendrick is apparently turning into the Prince of Persia since leaving WWE, but whatever works for ya.  I guess he’s a babyface.  Sorenson controls Kash with a few armdrags, but gets hit with a knee on the ropes and the heels take over.  They work the scrappy, never-say-die rookie sensation over in the corner, but Sorenson refuses to die because he never says it!  He fights out and Kendrick comes in with a leg lariat on Kash for two.  He tries a Doomsday Device on Aries, but that turns into a tower of doom spot instead.  Sorenson dumps Kash, but Aries runs him into the railing and hits him with a tope suicida.  Kendrick hits his own on Aries and brawls him with to the back, leaving Kash to finish Sorenson with a top rope clothesline, but Sorenson gets a sunset flip for the pin at 5:00.  This was fine for a stunt show, although too short to be worth much.   ***

Meanwhile, Winter is going to suck on Mickie James’ blood or something.  So is she supposed to be a vampire or a lesbian with a very specific fetish?

Next week:  Jeff Hardy returns!  And what great timing, coming a week after his brother posted a fake suicide note on Youtube and also on the same day as his court hearing!

Meanwhile, Hulk and Angle are OUTRAGED over the Network bringing Jeff Hardy back.  DAMN YOU, THE NETWORK!

Knockouts title:  Winter v. Mickie James

I think they should freshen up the division by actually having all Knockouts title matches be decided by knockout, just for truth in advertising.  James takes Winter down to start, but she goes to the ropes.  Mickie with a rollup for two and she works the arm, then gets a rana out of the corner.  Mickie goes up with a Thesz Press, but then goes after Angelina Love, resulting in Love getting thrown out of the match.  Good, she screwed up that interference spot anyway.  Winter uses the distraction to take over with a surfboard (hope Mickie doesn’t submit like the Pope did) but Mickie escapes and gets a half-crab until Winter makes the ropes.  Mickie gets a flapjack, but Winter blocks the DDT.  They have an awkward moment where they try to work something out, and they trade rollups for two.  Mickie with the DDT for two, but Winter is in the ropes.  She comes back with an enzuigiri for two, but Mickie finishes with a spinning back kick at 6:00 to regain the title.  Good outing, although I’m disappointed that Winter did not, in fact, drink Mickie’s blood as promised.  **1/2

Matt Morgan is very upset with Samoa Joe and his shenanigans, so he wants a fight RIGHT NOW.  Joe obliges, and Morgan kicks his ass.  So…Joe takes out the #1 guy in the tournament last week, and Morgan is the one who wants revenge?  Joe takes a beating and then once again kicks Morgan in the nuts to win the battle.  So is THIS the feud now?  Are they ever going to announce a match for the PPV?

Eric Young inadvertently challenges Robbie E to a TV title match next week.  Oh, that wacky Eric Young.

AJ Styles v. Christopher Daniels

AJ gets a quick rollup on Daniels for one, but Daniels gets his own rollup for two.  AJ responds with a dropkick and kneedrop for two.  Delayed suplex gets two.  Daniels comes back with a leg lariat to put AJ on the floor, but neither man gets the dive.  AJ does a headscissors off the apron, and back in for two.  Bridged indian deathlock, but Daniels makes the ropes.  They slug it out and Styles gets a gutbuster for two and follows with a corner clothesline.  Daniels fires back with the STO and enzuigiri, but AJ springboards back with an elbow for two.   They slug it out and AJ hits the Pele kick and tries the springboard DDT, but Daniels blocks it.  Daniels wants the moonsault, but AJ blocks that.  Neither can get a suplex and AJ goes up, but slips and gets pinned at 7:14.  Who comes up with these retarded finishes?  ***, as this was a Reader’s Digest Condensed version of their usual match.   Daniels won’t shake hands afterwards.  What is this, ROH?

World title:  Kurt Angle v. Sting

Here’s why no one buys their PPVs:  We get Crimson v. Angle on free TV last week, Sting v. Angle in a title match on free TV this week, and the big draw for Bound For Glory is supposed to be that Angle will defend against one of Bully Ray, James Storm, Robert Roode or Gunner.  People are supposed to PAY MONEY for one of those four match possibilities.  With five minutes of airtime left I don’t see this going long.  Sting gets a hiptoss and Angle bails, and they brawl outside for a bit.  Back in for the Stinger splash, but Angle counters with a belly to belly.  Never actually seen anyone do that before.  Angle goes to the chinlock, but Sting escapes with a backdrop suplex.  Sting slugs him down, but runs into an elbow before recovering with a DDT for two.  Angle with the rolling germans for two.  Sting reverses the Angle Slam into a Deathdrop for two.  Angle with the anklelock, but Sting kicks out of it and dodges a charging Angle.  Angle comes back with the slam, and my DVR cuts out.  Oh well, blame The Network I guess.  Apparently Angle retained by using a chair provided by Hulk, and then some other stupid shit happened.  And we still have nothing announced for the PPV, not even who is wrestling who in the tournament thing that isn’t actually a tournament.

Much better show than last week with a MUCH better crowd and atmosphere, but then it’s not hard to improve on dogshit like we got.  Next week:  Still nothing announced for the PPV, but Jeff Hardy comes back and I can laugh at them some more about that and see how many comments are like “OMG he deserves another chance!!!”