For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 9/5/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 9/5/11

Welcome back to the longest running, action-adventure, passive-aggressive, brand-extension-eradicating column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your labor-intensive host Andrew Wheeler, and it’s time for…something. RAW is still being billed as a “Supershow”, which means either the brand extension is dead and buried or they’re just trying to pop the ratings before Monday Night Football comes back. Regardless, it means we’ll get to see more and more of the big name Superstars at the expense of a lot of other guys.

I may be in the minority, but I’ve been enjoying the simplicity of Smackdown over the past several months. It’s not flashy or sexy or particularly memorable, but Friday Night Smackdown has been a solid, well-booked show. I feel like I’ve been making some variation of that statement for years. That program always gets handed lemons and turns it into lemonade. Look no further than Sheamus and Mark Henry. Those guys were teetering on the brink of obscurity, and now they’re both main event caliber wrestlers.

And now, that all seems to have gone by the wayside. The Supershow works for me in the sense that guys like Cena and Orton being on two shows can potentially boost ratings. On the other hand, I’m selfishly going to miss the simplicity of Smackdown. Instead, I’m just going to soldier through two hours of RAW-lite. Speaking of soldiering through…

The RAW Judicial Review for 9/5/11

“Andre the Giant.”

We open with a video package recapping the Nash/Punk/Hunter debacle. This is a great video if you like seeing CM Punk get Jackknifed.

There’s no pyro and no ballyhoo because here comes CM Punk. He does a nice lap around the ring, which would have gassed Nash. Punk sits Tatanka-style and tells us that he’s different. He says that he’s the best wrestler in the world, which is different because he backs it up. Being different makes him a target because he pisses a lot of people off. Tonight, he’s scheduled to wrestle Resurrection-Truth, but that’s not lovely because he wants to fight Kevin Nash.

Punk calls Nash the soul-crushing status quo while mocking his music, his bad hair and his terrible acting. Punk calls out Kevin Nash, and eventually we get Nash. He has a video that looks like it was made in 1996. Kevin says he doesn’t listen to Punk. He fights who he wants whenever he wants. Nash is looking really red.

CM Punk runs through all of Nash’s nicknames, and even brings up Super Shredder. Punk points out that Kevin won his world title in 94, before CM Punk could drive.

Triple H arrives and Nash says he’s tired of Punk. Hunter says that there was security footage of who sent the text…and it was Nash himself. “It was me, Austin, it was me all along.”

Nash said he did it and he made the WWE cool again. He says that Hunter needs to pick between Punk and Nash. Choosing between a broken-down has been and an up-and-comer? Good thing this isn’t TNA. Nash asks Hunter what he’s going to do about it, so Hunter punches him. Triple H then fires him. Punk then wishes him best of luck in his future endeavors as we fade to…

Commercial.

Nash is in the back going for a limo when Johnny Ace cuts him off and joins him in the car.

Air Boom v. Khali & Jinder Mahal

Jesus. Really? Bourne and Mahal start off and Evan is already in peril. Jinder knees him in the face and hits a nice toss for two. Khali is tagged in and he clotheslines Evan. Mahal gets tagged back in just for Evan to make the hot tag to Kofi.

Kingston wails away on Jinder but Khali low-bridges him. Jinder takes control for a second but there’s miscommunication and Mahal gets knocked out. Evan is tagged in and hits AirBourne for the pin.

Del Rio pulls up to the arena. Take THAT, Kurt.

Kelly Kelly heads to the ring as we go to…

Commercial.

Eve Torres v. Beth Phoenix w/ Natalya

Watching Natalya walk in heels is like watching a giraffe on roller skates, only less graceful. Beth muscles down Eve but Torres breaks free after botching some gymnastics. Eve gets launched into the post, marking one of the hardest poles she’s been rammed into all day.

Eve takes control for a moment and hits a headstand splash. She goes to the second rope and tries for a kick but gets hit with a SLOPPY Glamslam for the pin. Natalya lays out Kelly to finish what was one of the most ear-piercing segments in a long time.

Commercial.

The Rock has one million followers on Twitter. John Cena has…less.

Drew McIntyre and Christian are commiserating in the back about how Christian got screwed. Del Rio dismisses McIntyre and tells Christian that he doesn’t have the world title because of John Cena.

Triple H has a new movie. Stop. The. Pain.

Commercial.

Did you know that WWE has more Facebook fans than a lot of other companies? Justin Bieber has more than them, so I guess that means you should listen to him,

Resurrection Truth v. CM Punk

Truth says that CM Punk calling himself different is upsetting. Truth says that he’s been speaking the real truth his whole life but he should be a good R-Truth. The Miz then comes out in a fantastic checkered suit and he says that he had an epiphany that there is a conspiracy. Since Triple H is so busy dealing with his friends, he isn’t focused on Miz & Truth. He challenges the tag champions, Air Boom, which I think is a Nerf gun. Truth makes a fart joke before saying CM Punk is gonna get got.

Punk heads to the ring as we fade to…

Commercial.

Punk and Truth circle one another, which makes sense since it’s a squared circle. CM Punk works the arm and fires off some kicks and then has a takedown for two. Truth then takes control and grabs a rest hold and let’s be honest, doing move-for-move commentary isn’t going to set the world on fire. Cole has pretty much abandoned calling this match in favor of making fun of Jim Ross. Nothing says “in-ring stuff matters” like Cole ignoring the two men in the ring to mock JR for not playing fantasy football.

Truth flips Punk to the outside and Miz clips his knee. So now it’s two on one so that they can garner some support for Punk, who has seen his heat hijacked to further the Nash/Hunter feud while he’s back as king of the midcarders on this show.

R-Truth hammers Punk for a while as Lawler and Cole debate Triple H. So now the Hunter/Nash thing has taken over commentary during Punk’s WRESTLING matches. Punk catches Truth on the top rope and goes for a superplex. He manages to balance on there for a long time before hitting a superplex.

Punk busts out his Five Moves of Edginess before going for a GTS but Truth counters it into the inverted suplex for two. Punk takes control and kicks The Miz, who gets ejected. Truth then jumps him from behind but winds up taking a GTS for the pin.

Triple H comes out and calls Punk Obama before saying that he’s changed the Night of Champions match to a no disqualification match. Huzzah. Oh, and he might also fire Punk. Punk calls him the Cerebral Ass-Ass-in and points out that no one has died from a sledgehammer shot. Oh, but if CM Punk wins, Hunter has to resign.

Curt Hawkins, Tyler Reks and Wade Barrett are talking…for some reason. Del Rio appears and talks about how John Cena embarrassed him.

We just got a WWE Network commercial. Yes please.

Commercial.

Jerry Lawler & Zack Ryder v. David Otunga & Slightly Perfect

We get a video recap of the Z True Long Island Story. Are they serious, bro? Zack comes out with his own camera. Too bad he’s going to have to wrestle Otunga.

SP starts it out with Zack but then tags in Otunga. David wails on Zack and then cheapshots Lawler, but he gets attacked by Ryder, who makes the “hot” tag to Jerry. Lawler throws a dropkick better than Cena. Jerry tags in Zack, who gets the Rough Ryder on Otunga for the pin.

Alberto Del Rio is in the back chatting with Dolph Ziggler about how Randy Orton beating him killed his career. The Bella Twins pop up to remind us that they are there to have sex with random men.

Randy Orton competed in Paris last night, but tonight he’s in Ohio.

Commercial.

Randy Orton v. Heath Slater

Orton wails on Slater in this WWE Challenge match. Seriously, how did they book this? A randomizer button? Heath actually connected with a spinebuster for two, which didn’t kill Randy. Good for you, One Man Rock Band. I’m pretty sure that’s a masturbation euphemism. Orton takes over and hits a bunch of moves we’ve seen a lot before humping the ground, hitting the RKO and heading to the back so he can tan.

Zack Ryder and John Cena are in the back. Cena talks about how wearing sunglasses indoors makes you look like an idiot. You know, like The Rock.

Commercial.

It’s sad seeing those Keith Stone commercials after watching him get killed on “True Blood”.

Did you know people watched Smackdown when it was live? Well, now you do.

John Cena is out and he does the Cameron by pointing out that Del Rio will keep ducking him and keep ducking him. Cena points out that Del Rio’s gimmick is stale, so Del Rio responds by…doing exactly what he said he would do.

Del Rio says that he’s trying to give Cena a fighting chance. Alberto takes credit for injuring Rey Mysterio. JBLatino says that he can speak for himself before bringing out his amigos, Kurt SwAngle, Wade Barrett, Dolph Ziggler and Christian.

Alex Riley and Sheamus make the save. John Morrison eventually makes it out there, but it’s not easy running in pleather. Teddy pops up to book an eight-man elimination match.

Commercial.

Elimination Match: John Cena, Sheamus, Mizfit & John Slo-Mo-Rrison v. Christian, Wade Barrett, Dolph Ziggler & Kurt SwAngle

We are joined in progress as Wade Barrett hammers The Mizfit. This goes on for a while until Morrison and Ziggler get tagged in. Remember when John used to call him Mr. Ziggles? Remember when John was actually relevant? Anyway, SwAngle comes in, locks in an Angle-Lock and Morrison taps as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Mizfit is still being stomped on by Ziggler. Has there ever been a bigger collection of guys who have had start and stop pushes? SwAngle comes in and gets the AngleLock on Mizfit and he taps.

Sheamus comes in a house of white fire and he beats the hell out of Barrett and then hits the Brother Kick for the pin. Christian pops up out of nowhere with a spear, which gets a two count. Christian slaps Sheamus and then runs out of the ring. They both get counted out.

It’s now John Cena versus Swangle & Ziggler, which is like a reverse handicap match. There’s no way those two combined can beat Cena. John pulls out the Five Moves of Mediocrity on SwAngle and then lays out Ziggler before going for a double You Can’t See Me.

SwAngle and Ziggler get in a tiff and Dolph gets caught with an FU. SwAngle locks in an Angle-Lock but John reverses and locks in the STFU. SwAngle taps out. Shocking. Del Rio tries to attack afterwards but gets hit with an FU. So in the end, John Cena triumphs over all. Again.

This has been for your consideration.