The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 09.12.11
– Live from Ottawa, ON
– Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross
Alberto Del Rio starts us out, and he’s OK with the boos but doesn’t like being disrespected. So he reminds us that he took out Rey Mysterio and retired Edge, so STOP MAKING FUN OF HIM. I didn’t know that people were. However, his claims of being the greatest bring out Bret Hart, accusing Alberto of being all style and no substance. Alberto responds with allegations of “illegal Canadians†working as gardeners. He is truly a great man. A fight appears to be imminent, but John Cena interrupts and gets booed a lot. This gives us our first “Bizarroworld†reference from Cole, and I’m sure not the last. Because people booing John Cena is BIZARRE, apparently. Cena once again accuses ADR of renting his cars and once again promises to beat him for the title. But Alberto wants a match TONIGHT. Of course this won’t happen, but Cena offers up Bret Hart instead. But now Executive Vice President of Sheepherding Johnny Ace comes out on behalf of COOHHH and makes a tag match with ADR/Rodriguez v. Bret/Cena. Uh, OK, not sure why we’re supposed to want to see aging stroke victim Bret Hart actually wrestle yet again, or why John Cena would volunteer him in the first place.
John Morrison & Alex Riley v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger
Now, three weeks after they split, Ziggler and Swagger are finally teaming. That’s like a TNA move. JoMo gets a flash kick out of the corner, but Ziggler drops an elbow for two. John comes back with another kick and brings Riley in for a spinebuster on Swagger and a DDT for two. Swagger manages to get the anklelock, but the heels miscommunicate and the F5 finishes at 2:50. Ziggler decided not to help, you see, although I thought they already didn’t like each other. I am beyond over this storyline and just wish they’d turn one of them already. *
Meanwhile, Truth and Miz walk around backstage and talk about how WWE is still screwing them over.  This leads them down to the ring, as Truth points out that COO spells “coo-cooâ€, which is what HHH is.
The Miz v. Kofi Kingston
Miz slugs Kofi down in the corner and adds a suplex for two, then hits the chinlock. Kofi escapes with a monkey flip and they both tumble to the floor. We take a break and return with Miz getting a DDT for two, but a sunset flip is blocked by Kofi with a unique double-stomp to the chest. Kofi has some really unique stuff going and I never got why they gave up on him so fast after the Orton feud died out. Kofi gets a springboard crossbody for two as Cole just won’t shut up about whatever Vince is yelling into his headset. Backslide gets two and Kofi goes up, but Miz crotches him to bring him down. Miz does the dramatic setup for the finish…and then finishes him clean with the SCF. Well, OK then. When do you EVER see Miz going over someone clean like that? Totally caught me off-guard. Nice little match, too. **1/2
Meanwhile, Teddy Long informs Vickie that Dolph will be defending the US title against Swagger, Morrison and Riley. Kelly Kelly wanders by and thinks this is amusing, so Vickie gets in her face and talks herself into a match with her. The US title seems to only have two logical outcomes given that they didn’t just book the Swagger-Ziggler blowoff there: Either Swagger or Ziggler turn on each other and Riley walks out with the belt, or the three of them do a Horsemen turn on Morrison and reveal themselves as Vickie’s new stable.
David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty v. Jerry Lawler & Sheamus
McGillicutty talks about how his father had charisma, but they’re not allowed to say WHO his father was for some reason. For whatever reason, they don’t make the connection between Jerry The KING Lawler and Sheamus, most recent winner of King of the Ring. Unless we’re just forgetting about that, which is fine with me. Nexus works Lawler over for a minute, and Lawler gets a hot tag to Sheamus, and he beats the piss out of Perfect Jr. and finishes him with the Conan Kick and Celtic Cross at 2:30. ½* Just send these goofs back to the minors and stop torturing them on national TV already. Sheamus is getting over as a babyface like crazy, and his connections should assure that he doesn’t get screwed around too badly.
John Cena & Bret Hart v. Alberto Del Rio & Ricardo Rodriguez
They don’t even give Bret his own ENTRANCE. Are they that worried about Cena getting overshadowed by Bret or something? Ricardo tries to verbally submit before the match starts, but doesn’t get anywhere with it. Cena plays bullfighter with him to start and then backdrops him, which thankfully brings Del Rio into the match. They do the chase and Del Rio jumps him, but Cena comes back with clotheslines and a dropkick that’s about 0.7 Erik Watts. That’s not a great way to win over the crowd. Cena forces a tag to Rodriguez and destroys him (wow, big man, beating up a non-wrestling ring announcer who was forced into the match), and Bret finishes Ricardo with the Sharpshooter at 3:20. How this makes me want to see the title match at the PPV when Cena has beaten up ADR every week, I don’t know. ½*
And now your WWE-ized 9/11 tribute, as they pay tribute to THEMSELVES and how courageous they were for putting on Smackdown 2 days after the attacks. Like really, they couldn’t just do the 9/11 tribute and leave it at that?
Kelly Kelly v. Vickie Guerrero
This has bad idea written all over it. Kelly attacks and gets the worst bulldog in recorded history, but thankfully Swagger and Ziggler have a lover’s quarrel at ringside to distract me from the match. This allows Kelly to roll Vickie up at 1:00. Never has the phrase “at least it was short†been more apt. -****
Meanwhile, Mark Henry promises to bring Randy Orton to the Hall of Pain. They might as well pull the trigger now and put the belt on him, Smackdown is a dead show anyway.
Randy Orton v. Cody Rhodes
Cody pounds away to start, but gets backdropped by Orton as Mark Henry comes out to be intimidating. Orton chases him away with a chair and goes back to beating on Cody, clotheslining him on the floor and then back in for two. Beatdown in the corner and a clothesline gets two, but he keeps looking at the entrance for Henry. And sure enough, he comes back out again, and Rhodes hits him with a kick from the apron, and we take a break. Back with Cody getting a single-arm DDT for two and he goes to work on the arm. Henry comes closer as Orton makes his comeback with the powerslam and draping DDT, but Cody reverses out of it. Orton blocks the Crossroads and gets the DDT this time to set up the interpretive dance, but he’s STILL distracted and the Crossroads finishes at 9:00. That was like my least favorite finish stretched out to the entire length of the match. As usual, Henry beats down Orton afterwards. **1/2  Way too long if they were just going to do that stupid “one guy gets distracted like a moron and loses†fluke finish.
Main Event Interview:Â COOHH v. CM Punk
I kind of like the balls of just outright advertising that the last segment is going to be a lengthy interview with two guys instead of a match. Punk thinks that HHH doesn’t like him and doesn’t think he can hang with the main eventers. Punk still wants change, but COOHHH (and his weird pocketless pants) isn’t delivering any. He accuses HHH and Vince of having a bodybuilder fetish, so HHH counters with four names:  Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, Mick Foley and Rey Mysterio. Has he SEEN Rey Mysterio lately? He was implicated in a steroid-buying bust, I really don’t think you can hold him up as an example here. Bret Hart hasn’t even been an active WRESTLER in WWE since 1997. And if Mick Foley walked into the office today looking like he did in 1998 and seeking employment, he’d be laughed out of Titan Towers. HHH notes that Punk doesn’t need to worry about his opinion, he needs to worry about the fans’ opinion. Apparently if he wants to be a star, all he has to do is get over. Oh god, this is going to make my head explode.  So are they appealing to fans or us internet nerds here? Because the subtext here is basically about getting a push based on size and drawing money and stuff, rather than, you know, winning matches. Anyway, Punk wants his ICE CREAM BARS, dammit. Now we get into real whiny territory, as Punk relates getting big pops at Survivor Series 2006 and then getting buried, but HHH retorts by noting that John Cena got buried and then remade himself into the biggest star in the world. The crowd, ironically, boos that. Punk keeps whining about how he busted his ass and HHH keeps breaking him down about his “warped internet philosophy†and finally brings to actually trying to sell the PPV by saying that now it’s personal and he’s gonna beat Punk’s ass PERSONALLY. Had they gone that route three weeks ago this storyline might not have died out like it did. Punk drops the REAL NAMES, but then the mic goes dead. Oh man, the pipe bomb was a dud. Maybe KEVIN NASH shut the microphone off! Punk is pissed and finally just lays out HHH with the mic to end the show. Always a good sound effect for that. I really wish they could have fast-forwarded through the 20 minutes of merry-go-round arguing and just gotten to HHH getting pissed off for Punk insulting his wife, because that’s the shit that sells tickets, not ice cream bars or philosophical arguments about who’s getting pushed and why. I guess I just don’t understand why they’re even FIGHTING and I don’t think WWE does either.
Real bad show this week. And it only did a 2.7, so Punk might get his wish of real change very soon. He probably won’t like what the changes will be, though, because I bet it’ll involve more bodybuilders getting pushed to the top again.
