CB’s World: Taking YOUR Wrestling Pulse, Featuring FDSwayze

I ANSWER: Just lucky I guess. I did get eye herpes watching nWo2010 with Hogan, Jarrett, and Hardy. My doctor told me to just take it one day at a time. It’s about supression.

YOU ASKED: Secondly, and this one is the big standard-bearer ’round these parts: Why does “wrestling matter” to you?

I ANSWER: Well, I have been visiting Pulse simply because my man Blair Douglas writes there. However, how lame would it be if I just read Blair’s stuff? So I’ve been checking out the other authors as well. I actually like most of the writers there despite what they probably think. If I have a different viewpoint, it’s natural to want to take offense. But I don’t judge people by their opinions on Pro Wrestling. That would be silly. You worth in life is not judged by how much Pro Wrestling you know. Thank God. If I comment on an article, it’s most likely I found something interesting in it, even if I have a different viewpoint. If I really didn’t like a column, I just wouldn’t bother commenting.

So why do I still watch? Well honestly I watch less and less. When I do watch, it’s mostly for a laugh, as pro wrestling, and pro wrestling fans are a joke. Pro wrestling easily has the stupidest fandom of any form of entertainment. Only pro wrestling fans would suggest that the best way to handle a popular character, something WWE hasn’t had in ten years, is to keep him off TV. Only pro wrestling fans would bother over and over again to watch a company who consistantly lets them down with unwavering optimism. Because hey, “They gotta see how this plays out,” despite the fact they’ve shown you over and over again it will play out badly. Only pro wrestling fans can consider a man who while being the focus of the show literally destroyed their ratings a success who deserves to run the company now. Wrestling fans are Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. That level of stupidity is way more entertaining to me than what happens onscreen, and way more entertaining to me than anything shows like American Idol are going to put on. I also find that the stories that happen ‘behind the camera’ are a million times more interesting than what happens on camera. Ric Flair charging $500 to talk to him on the phone being an example.

YOU ASKED: Take me back to a time and place when wrestling did actually matter to you. What was the “hook” back then that isn’t there today? Also, is there anything that can happen for you to have revitalized interest in the modern-day wrestling product? If so, what would it take?

I ANSWER: I started watching in the early 80s when WWF blew up with Mr. T, and that blonde fool with the silly moustache. To me, I guess the ‘hook’ that isn’t there today is back then the WWF didn’t consistantly berate and insult their audience. WWE and wrestling in general LOVES to insult it’s audience, and given how stupid their audience is, the fans actually enjoy it. What would get me interested in wrestling is if pro wrestling companies wouldn’t constantly insult their fans, and if the fans stopped using imaginary terms like ‘smark’ and ‘internet darling’ and ‘IWC Koolaid’, which makes them sound like fools. Pro wrestling companies like to train their fans like monkeys.

Hey Steve Austin is awesome! No he isn’t, he took his ball and went home. That Rock guy is amazing. No he isn’t, he abandoned us! That Cena guy is boring. No he isn’t, he’s the most popular superstar ever despite the fact nobody besides wrestling fans know who he is. And kids who apparently stay up on mondays from 9-11pm love him too. So you must like him! This Daniel Bryan guy has been training a long time and is a hot prospect. No he isn’t. Only stuck up people on the internet like him, and we all know everyone who watches WWE doesn’t own a computer. And people who use the internet are jerks. Shut up and do as we say! If that mentality disappeared from WWE, I’d probably watch more.

YOU ASKED: Lastly for this round, I’d like to know your unbridled, uncensored thoughts on the Impact Wrestling broadcasts that you admittedly love to comment and even live chat about. Do you watch for any other reason than to see the “train wreck” that is TNA?

I ANSWER: Good question. First of all, I don’t really ‘live chat’ during TNA. Myself and some friends use a chat room. We watch wrestling, but also alot of other stuff. Mostly we just BS. We watch less and less of TNA and WWE. They are both really horrid right now. Right now we are watching old Bevis and Butthead episodes. The boys snuck into an art class where they were sketching a nude woman. Butthead drew a stick figure with giant boobs. Bevis also drew a stick figure with giant boobs, but with small airplanes attacking her head. Awesome.

But TNA, it’s got a weird place in my heart. See, when TNA started up, WWE was going from their best era ever (2000-2001) into a giant pile of garbage. They were running Lita is the rapebride of Kane and some guy named Snitsky was punting babies into the crowd. How do you from buying out WCW and ECW to putting on that crap?

So some of the guys that WWE couldn’t use and were looking for something to do after that Hogan-Jimmy Hart thing didn’t work out. Jeff Jarrett puts together this TNA thing. Literally every ‘expert’ said it wouldn’t go a month. Silly me, I watched them. The business model was interesting. You pay $10 bucks every week and get two hours of PPV quality TV, or as best as TNA could put together. Or you can spend $40 bucks a month for two hours of whatever WWE was trying to go with.

TNA’s first year was rough, but the people in charge saw that the midgets and the Dick Brothers weren’t really getting people interested, but this new kid AJ Styles and Jerry Lynn are putting on the best wrestling in the industry. This Triple X and America’s Most Wanted tag team are having one hell of a feud. This Don West guy isn’t really a wrestling expert, but he sure is having fun learning about wrestling. And people who watched were having fun watching wrestling. In what must have been a shock to know-nothing idiots like Hulk Hogan, the fans there didn’t care about who scammed Ted Turner out of more money. They were interested in good wrestling.

Good wrestling got TNA to where they are now. So what do they do? They abandon that for Hulk Hogan and The Nasty Boys. TNA right now is a glorifed E-Fed. Only on Geocity E-Feds from 1999 would you find anyone putting together an idea like, “How about we take like Hulk Hogan, Jeff Jarrett, and Jeff Hardy and make them like nWo, but better, because they will like…you know, do stuff.”

That first HBK Undertaker match was also amazing. I even liked the Undertaker HHH match this past Mania. It just seems like these days you have to wait a whole year to see one match like that, and in most cases, there’s no chance at all of seeing a match like that. Hell, most shows they don’t even do matches. Just wrestling exhibitions that parody what a match is supposed to be. Or just trash talking back and forth.

I would like to see someone from TNA just lose it and start doing things on their own. But TNA doesn’t run their stuff live, so I doubt it would accomplish anything. Still, how great would it be if while Hogan was doing his nonsense in the ring if AJ Styles came out and slapped him in the face? And while Hogan stood there shocked not knowing what to do Styles slapped him again. Then he spit in his face. Then Hogan tried to rush him and fell down and couldn’t get back up because he couldn’t reach the ropes. That would be fantastic.

But they can’t do that. Jeff Jarrett is allowed to do that. He can exploit Kurt Angle losing his wife to him. Even though thats a real life situation, that’s a total professional thing to do to use it in a pro wrestling story. But let’s see how many people call out Hogan on a show for his fucked up life. Despite the fact it would be controversial, and controversy creates cash I thought.

I ANSWER: FIST PUMP indeed, my brother. FIST PUMP indeed.

YOU ASKED: Now, allow me to give you some names and tell me your thoughts on each person:

Mark Henry – A big guy who loses to other wrestlers. He cried in an interview recently though so fans are feeling sorry for him and hoping he will become a star even though that would a disaster. But hey…tears.

Randy Orton – He’s a [EXPLETIVE DELETED].

CM Punk – A guy Jeff Jarrett said was too small to be a star.

John Cena – A guy who can’t wrestle that fans justify not liking by pretending kids like him, despite the fact kids don’t even know who he is. Kids like Batman and Harry Potter. Not John Cena.

Triple H – The man who ruined Steve Austin’s show.

Kevin Nash – A big [EXPLETIVE DELETED] who is scared of CM Punk.

Matt Morgan – A bouncer who TNA pretends is a wrestler.

Samoa Joe – A fantastic wrestler who has been horribly misused by TNA despite NO FAULT OF HIS OWN!!!

Robert Roode – Incredibly generic guy who managed to find his niche in an awesome tag team called Beer Money. So naturally TNA want to break that team up.

Kurt Angle – A guy Jeff Jarrett could never be as good as, so he stole his wife instead.

Hulk Hogan – A pathological liar who ruined pro wrestling. The most phony human being in the universe. Made his entire career from doing an impersonation of Bruce Banner transforming into The Hulk, a name he didn’t come up with. Sues anyone who tries to steal one of his stolen creations however.

I ANSWER: I’d like to buy a vowel. Y?

YOU ASKED: Who has the better FISTPUMP: Robbie E or Zack Ryder?

I ANSWER: Excellent question! That is a tough one. I think Robbie E has the better FISTPUMP, but Zack Ryder I think has a better act going on with his Long Island Iced Z show. WWWYKI Bro. The whole FISTPUMP thing started as we were watching TNA get worse and worse. And then TNA upped their game and briought in Robbie E! What is that supposed to be?!?! I’m laughing thinking of it right now. It’s not TNA’s worst idea, but it’s gotta be in the top five. And wrestling fans, God love them, were like, “Let’s give this guy a chance. Don’t just judge him by the gimmick. He’s a really nice person.” HAHAHAHA! Oh I better move on.

YOU ASKED: Favorite ring entrance/theme song (can be together or separate), both today and all-time.

I ANSWER: Well, Undertaker has a pretty fantastic intro. I mean it’s become an event basically. It’s part of his offense. He beats you before he even gets to the ring.

My favorite though was when New Jack would come out in ECW. The crowd changed instantly from a wrestling atmosphere into a rock concert mosh pit survival battle to the death. New Jack would come out with a trash can full of weapons singing his song and whoever was in the ring just looked frightened. I have no idea why New Jack was never an ECW champion. Nobody in pro wrestling can touch his act, and nobody ever will.

Well, except maybe John Cena right? He’s from the streets? HAHAHA!

YOU ASKED: Favorite finishing move, both today and all-time.

I ANSWER: That’s a tough one. For class, I’m going with Macho Man. The elbow drop was a perfect mix of grace and brutality. For pain, probably the Burning Hammer or Tiger Driver. Those moves are so devastating they are rarely used. But when they are used…it’s over.

My favorite though again is New Jack. Dude jumped from like 20 feet+ on top of you. Think about how often WWE plays that Mic Foley clip of him flying off the cage. That’s New Jack every night. Who could you possibly get to top that? That’s a main event moment every time. Again…no idea why they never made him ECW champion. Maybe Paul Heyman is racist.

YOU ASKED: Most underrated / overrated wrestler today, one for each.

I ANSWER: Well the most underrated is New Jack. Wrestling fans generally think he’s not a very good wrestler. Yet wrestling fans consider Hulk Hogan a legend of wrestling. New Jack’s act tops anything anyone has ever tried to do in wrestling, including Hulk Hogan’s pretend seizure thing he does in the ring. So who cares if he doesn’t do an arm drag.

Most overrated I’d say is Kurt Angle, and not because he sucks. He clearly doesn’t. I only say Angle because fans put him on such a high pedestal nobody could ever live up to that standard. I think experience is one of the most important aspects in improving your in-ring act. The more you do it, the better you get. That’s why we would see guys like Shawn Michaels come back after a long time off, and run rings around these young kids. As great as Kurt is, that first year run where he was doing so great…that was his first year. And the memo backstage had to be, “Hey this guy Angle, we’re going to be using him alot.” And guys were really working hard with Angle. Especially Chris Benoit.

So he goes to TNA where he’s a big fish in a small pond. Surely all his matches were going to be awesome right? I mean now he’s not constrained by WWE standards and can really let loose? That first match with Samoa Joe? A bust. A giant disappointment. After all the hype TNA put into it, and rightly so, Angle did not deliver. And he continues to not deliver time and time again. But fans decide his matches are great before they even happen. I’d take any of his WWE matches before having to watch him fight Matt Morgan, or Ken Anderson, or those horrible Jeff Jarrett matches. I stopped watching TNA for a while, and one match I was told I HAD to go back and see was Angle vs. Desmond Wolfe. Again…just boring and not worth the time.

But what did anyone expect? The guy started in WWE learning the WWE style and that’s all he’s ever known. So every match is going to be that one Angle match. That’s all he can do. But fans I think figure he’s a gold medalist in the Olympics and that somehow has something to do with pro wrestling, so they expect much, much more out of him.

YOU ASKED: Can anyone “save” wrestling, in your clearly jaded eyes? If so, who?

I ANSWER: Oh brother. I’m jaded? See, this is the problem right here. Instead of looking at the wrestling, you blame the fan. It’s not that things are horrible right now. Oh no. I’M JADED! NFL got like a 10.0 and 8.0 in two games they showed on Monday. WWE dipped under 3.0 for the first time in a while. And they used to get 7.0s. But now they can’t stay above 3.0. Smackdown has trouble getting a 2.0. Clearly because I’m jaded right?

When Triple H was doing his Conan The Barbarian act, I figured when people tuned out, that WWE would take that as a sign that their fans didn’t want to see Triple H’s Conan The Barbarian act. But no. They blamed the fans. And then they made up some garbage about the show being ‘cyclable’ or whatever. Do you think if NFL games started getting 3.0s that the NFL would just blame the fans and figure everything was okay?

Each one of those points is like millions of people. If millions of people stop watching your show, wouldn’t you change something?!? NFL panics if they think ONE fan has stopped watching. If a player drives his motorcycle without a helmet, NFL panics. They are worried about the image they portray. They are worried if that player can’t play due to an injury, then maybe one fan won’t tune in. And that is unacceptable to them. They don’t insult the fans. They don’t call them JADED! But hey, WWE loses millions and millions and millions and millions of viewers, and I’m jaded? Clearly.

So can anyone save wrestling? Yes, it can be anyone. Even you, my dude. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Wrestling is not complicated. Here’s a crazy idea. Give the fans what they want. It’s entertainment. Be entertaining. Here’s another crazy idea. Start wrestling. Instead of showing two hours of commerials and trash talk mixed with the occasional two minute match, how about show some more wrestling? It’s not like pro wrestlers are trained actors. They can’t act at all. But they can wrestle. They can wrestle better than anyone. So why not trust in your performers, give your incredibly vocal audience what they ask you for all the time, and and stop insulting them and start accepting some of the blame.

That’s why wrestling fans get so angry. Because the solution isn’t complicated. It’s like arguing with a little kid who won’t eat. I mean the food is right there. If you don’t eat it you will die! Just eat the food! Put it in your mouth and chew!!! Why are you making this so difficult, child?!? EAT!!!