The SmarK Rant for iMPACT Wrestling – 09.22.11
I wasn’t sure whether I was going to review this or Smackdown this week, but then my DVR went and forgot to record Smackdown, thus making my choice for me. Fuck you, random chance.
– Taped from Orlando, FL.
– Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Tazz
CRAZY Sting starts us out with a contract and yet another cool Hogan MMA-style douchebag  t-shirt. One thing I will give TNA is that they have it over WWE in the shirt department outside of CM Punk. I would, in fact, pay money for and wear that Hulk Hogan shirt. So Sting calls out Hogan for their contract signing, but Hulk protests that it’s not gonna happen, because he’s not medically cleared to wrestle anyway. That’s a hell of a way to sell a PPV main event.  Hulk is just a businessman now, you see, but Sting wants the match RIGHT NOW. It’s too bad Sting is so broken down, because he’s still got a funny charisma in this role. Eric Bischoff interrupts and declares it’s not going to happen, but Sting kicks his ass and informs Hulk that, oh yeah, it’s still on. This would be fine if it wasn’t fucking Sting and Hulk Hogan in 2011.
Meanwhile, Karen Angle offers fashion tips to the ladies and calls them all whores and strippers. Kaz barges in and insinuates that no, in fact it is Karen who is the underpriced lady of the night. Such witty repartee.
Brooke Tessmacher v. Mickie James
Glad to see that Mickie has recovered her sight after the devastating spray of blood. Personally I’d be more worried about infectious diseases and suing for an unsafe work environment, but far be it from me to second-guess Vince Russo’s obsessions. A slugfest goes very badly and Brooke gets a “rana†and a “dropkickâ€, which I can barely type without coughing ironically, although typing doesn’t really convey the proper disdain I’m going for here. Luckily Mickie finishes her with a DDT at 2:55 while I’m attempting to find the proper words. Apparently this means that Mickie advances in some sort of tournament towards getting another title shot, because Vince Russo loves tournaments. DUD
Meanwhile, Mexican America goes to celebrate with a new tattoo, and possibly dinner at Taco Bell before lifting some free weights in a parking lot.
Meanwhile, Al Snow councils Jeff Hardy on making amends and getting second chances.  He should have been like “Jeff, I know about losing a dog†to build rapport first.
X Division title:Â Austin Aries v. Jesse Sorenson
The piped boos are really harsh to Aries this week. Sadly, even the canned heat doesn’t give a shit about Sorenson. Aries overpowers Sorenson and then steals his football, but takes a baseball slide and pescado as a result. Never touch another man’s ball. Back in, Aries can’t get a superplex, and Sorenson gets a high cross for two. Sorenson lays him out with a clothesline for two and a dropkick for two, as Aries sells his ass off. Tenay notes that Aries, quote “bum rushes†Sorenson into the corner, which makes me wonder if he’s actually 110 years old. Kid Kash comes out to argue with Sorenson, which allows Aries to get the rollup from behind at 4:24. Nice to see TNA can copy WWE’s shitty finishes too. *1/2
Meanwhile, Mr. Anderson and RVD hang out backstage, just a couple of dudes talking about Jerry Lynn and Bully Ray with a camera present. They’re so cool and laid back.
Meanwhile, the Mexican America tattoo saga continues, as they’re afraid of needles and stop to pray for safe tattooing, which allows Ink Inc to attack them. Putting someone through a tattoo table seems pretty unsafe. What if you accidentally stab them in the kidney with a tattoo needle? And yeah, this keeps going, as Ink Inc TATTOO-RAPE ANARQUIA. These guys should be going to JAIL!  And did I miss an angle where they explained why Ink Inc would even be attacking them in a tattoo parlor in the first place?
Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy meets up with Matt Morgan on his road to redemption, who asserts that he’s personally only giving Jeff ONE MORE CHANCE because Jeff is just that damn good. I’d have a hell of a lot more respect for Jeff if he just went and did indy shows to prove himself like Eddie Guerrero instead of going on a nationally televised show to work out his demons.
Meanwhile, RVD gets laid out by someone mysterious in the back.
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle confronts Jeff Hardy and wants him out of TNA. Tenay notes that the last thing Angle wants to see is a healthy and focused Jeff Hardy. I can safely say that Kurt Angle has nothing to worry about.
Hey, let’s break up the monotony of all this talking with an interview! Kurt Angle now magically teleports to the ring after confronting Hardy backstage and calls out Robert Roode. And we actually take a commercial break before they start the verbal confrontation! So back from the break, Roode reasserts that he’s gonna win the title at Bound For Glory, but Angle brings out James Storm as his secret weapon. The crowd immediately assumes the worst for Storm and turns on him, then changes their mind and cheers him again when he gets in Angle’s face. What a fickle crowd. Storm notes he hopes Angle is a better matchmaker than beer drinker. I dunno, police records indicate that Angle is a pretty fucking good beer drinker. I wouldn’t wanna get into that particular battle with him. Especially if he offered to drive me home afterwards. Anyway, Storm would really like to face Angle tonight, and apparently has the power to make that match.
Bully Ray & Jerry Lynn v. Stone Cold Mr. Anderson
Anderson goes 2-on-1 with RVD out. Bully gets in Anderson’s face and then tags out to Lynn, and he gets destroyed.  Anderson goes up and gets crotched by Bully, allowing Lynn to take over with choking. Bully with a splash for two, and Lynn bulldogs him and does the Mick Foley deal where he does a fancy setup and then just stomps him. That could be a funny midcard character bit in the hands of competent agents. Not the clowns who book this crap of course, but if someone good planned it out, it could work. But not here. Anderson fights them off alone and hits Bully with an enzuigiri (causing him to land on his back in a bit that spits on physics) for two. KICK WHAM MIC CHECK gets two. He gets rid of Lynn and goes up with the Kenton Bomb for two, and Lynn accidentally splashes Bully to give Anderson two. Anderson sets up Bully to finish, but Bully gets the chain and knocks him out for the pin at 6:15. Kind of a mess. **
Kurt Angle’s Master Plan To Weaken Bobby Roode Match #2: Chris Daniels v. Bobby Roode
But wait! It’s another swerve! Daniels comes out in street clothes and decides not to wrestle Roode because he beat AJ three weeks ago and has nothing left to prove.  Glad they finally decided to go back to follow that up. Naturally this brings out AJ, telling Daniels that he needs to get over it. The newly confident Daniels calls AJ a sore loser AND a bitch, and it’s on. Now see, that’s a quality old-school simple angle that logically builds to a match where both guys have an easily understandable motivation. We take a break and return with them brawling into the Direct Auto insurance offices, which I’m assuming are there just in case Kurt Angle needs to check his coverage before going back on the road again. Finally Kazarian comes out to break things up and calm everyone down. And then Daniels kicks AJ in the nuts and leaves. They really, really should have just left it at the pull-apart brawl before the commercial break.
Meanwhile, Kazarian keeps attempting to broker peace with Chris Daniels. It doesn’t work.
Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan promises a BOMBSHELL next week.
Kurt Angle v. James Storm
Headlock sequence to start, and Storm backdrops Angle out of the ring for a crazy bump that Angle probably shouldn’t be taking at this point. They brawl outside and Angle suplexes him on the floor, and they head back in for the chinlock. Angle puts him down with a knee for two. They clothesline each other and Storm comes back with an atomic drop and clotheslines, and a backstabber for two. Angle fires back with the overhead suplex for two, however. Angle gets the anklelock, but Storm fights away, only to see Angle hang on. He manages to reverse to a rollup for two. Good sequence there. Another rollup gets two. Storm sets up for the superkick, but gets caught with the rolling germans as a result. That gets two. Anglesault misses and Storm goes up with a flying elbow for two. They slug it out and Storm goes for the powerbomb, but Angle escapes thanks to Gunner interference, and the Angle Slam gets two. Storm accidentally superkicks the ref, allowing him to get the visual pinfall on Angle, and Gunner runs in and lays out Storm with the belt. Bobby Roode makes the save and it’s a Sports Entertainment Finish at 12:00 or so.  Good match, bad finish. *** They’re doing about as good of a job as they can making Roode into a threat, though.
Hasn’t anyone in TNA bothered to check on Anarquia? He was getting tattooed against his will for god’s sake! CALL THE FUCKING POLICE!
