The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 09.26.11
– Live from Kansas City, MO.
– Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jim Ross and Booker T. Cole notes that the Hell in a Cell is hanging above the ring tonight, at 3500 square feet which is bigger than the average American home. Uh, where do they get that figure from? I’m pretty sure it’s not 60’ x 60’. I think it would be pretty sweet to live in the Cell, though. For instance, you’d never have to worry about furniture, because there would be an unlimited supply of chairs and 2x4s under the ring.  Plus you’d live forever, because no matter how much damage you might accidentally inflict on yourself, you will never ever draw blood.
And since it’s a day ending with “yâ€, COOHH starts the show. He explains why he fired Awesome Truth last week, because they’re full of crap. Well that makes sense…? The $250,000 fine will now be paid by Mark Henry, which pretty much wipes out his pay increase for winning the title, I guess. Vickie Guerrero interrupts, as Dolph Ziggler is once again looking sharp with the US title under his suit jacket. That’s how CHAMPIONS wear the belt. He complains that he was “sucker-punched by Wolverine†and now has a hairline fracture. He can’t even eat solid food! HHH is amused and offers to buy security for him when the Muppets host next month. This brings out Cody Rhodes, whining about getting a ring bell bashed into his skull on Smackdown. HHH rightly makes fun of him for not being a man about suffering a near-fatal assault. Yeah, what a WUSS. Next up, Christian comes out to complain about Sheamus costing him the World title shot. He threatens HHH with a giant lawsuit, unless he’s granted ONE MORE MATCH. So HHH gives him Sheamus at the PPV, and Randy Orton on Smackdown, and John Cena tonight.   Next up, Dolph gets to defend the title against Zack Ryder. He gives Cody the night off, but Cody won’t shut up, so HHH punishes him with an IC title defense in a battle royale…NEXT. Very entertaining opening segment, reminiscent of the old “clipboard RAWs†where the figurehead of the week would make matches to set up the show.
Intercontinental title, battle royale:Â Cody Rhodes v. Sheamus, Daniel Bryan, Drew Mcintyre, Ezekial Jackson, Sin Cara, John Morrison, Alex Riley, Justin Gabriel & Ted Dibiase
Drew gets tossed in seconds. EVIL SIN CARA pulls out the original, but Bryan tosses him. Everyone gangs up on Rhodes, but Sheamus saves for some reason. Why wouldn’t you all get rid of the champion first? Sheamus boots out Gabriel and Riley, while Jackson dumps Morrison and D-Bry as we blow through this. Sheamus slugs it out with Jackson and destroys him, but Dibiase breaks it up. Cody tosses Dibiase as a result, then ducks a charging Zeke and gets rid of him. This leaves Sheamus to wallop Cody and hit him with the Celtric Cross, but guess what, it’s Christian to distract Sheamus. Sheamus misses the Conan Kick and Cody knocks him out of the ring at 4:30 to retain. LAME. The crowd was actually buying into Sheamus possibly winning this poor mistreated title as a big deal, and then they went and fucked him over.   I mean, changing the title in a battle royale would be an even bigger slap in the face, but why even put Sheamus in there if you don’t want to put him over?  It’s typical WWE thinking where they want to feature their big stars but don’t have an exit strategy.
The announcers discuss Lawler’s injuries, and Cole informs us that he’s suffering from anal bleeding. Sigh.
David Otunga comes to Johnny Ace offering legal advice, apparently going with “Wrestling lawyer†as the personality he’ll need to get over, and Johnny texts something in response.
Kelly Kelly gets a video package. Uh huh.
Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres v. THE DIVAS OF DOOM
The feud continues! Kelly and Eve are wearing matching green tonight, because they’re BFFs. Michael Cole update: “Anal bleeding†is trending on Twitter. I really hope they do a “did you know†segment bragging about that next week. Eve gets the beats in the heel corner and they give her a double press slam and the crowd couldn’t care less about any of it thus far. Natalya with a nice bow-and-arrow submission and Beth chokes away on the ropes, but misses a charge. Hot tag Kelly, who comes in with a bodypress and giant swing headscissors on Beth. Her terrible bulldog gets two. Why keep doing it? Learn a new spot!  Beth lays her out and finishes with the Glam Slam at 3:13. Finally the heels get a win a month into the storyline. *1/2
The Score edited something out here, because immediately after the match the women disappear and they cut right to the next match.
Mark Henry v. Great Khali
No match, as Henry lays him out and gets the World’s Strongest Slam. Well, you gotta protect Great Khali.
JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOHN Cena joins us to hype the PPV and settle all the controversy over the title. He goes into a ridiculous spiel about running into the ring and shouting at the devil or something. They really, REALLY, shouldn’t promise all this brutality stuff if they’re not going to deliver anything. That’s what’s killing the PPV business. Finally, after 10 minutes of Cena saying absolutely nothing, Del Rio and Punk come out for commentary duty.
John Cena v. Christian
Christian takes a backdrop, but comes back with a tornado DDT for two. Cena sends him to the apron with a suplex, but Christian comes back in with a missile dropkick for two. Cole asks Punk what he learned in his first Cell match, and Punk disappoints me by not answering “Make sure to wear a suit around the Undertakerâ€. Cena with the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM, but Christian bails and a brawl with the guest announcers follows. And Del Rio runs in for the DQ at 3:15. Really?  That’s the best they can come up with? * Cena’s shitty promo was longer than the match!
Did you know that Smackdown was the #1 show on cable last Friday, beating out all the other cable networks, who don’t air anything but repeats on Friday nights because no one watches? They just come off so insecure with this stuff.
US title:Â Dolph Ziggler v. Zack Ryder
They give this a big buildup, with a video package beforehand, which leads one to wonder why they’re wasting the blowoff on free TV instead of putting it on PPV next week.  Ziggler lays Ryder out and drops an elbow, and follows with a standing dropkick. Totally random note: “Zack Ryder†is as awesome a wrestling name as “Dolph Ziggler†is a terrible one.  You hear about someone named Zack Ryder and you think “that dude must be a pro wrestler.â€Â Zack makes his comeback and gets the running boot in the corner, but Swagger interferes and Ziggler finishes with the Zig Zag at 2:00 to retain. * Heel beatdown commences, but Air Boom saves. So now Teddy Long comes out and he’s making matches tonight too, booking a six-man with whoever Vickie can find as a partner right now. Is Vince Russo back on the writing staff or something?
Air Boom & Zack Ryder v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger
No partner is evident, so they go with a handicap match. Bourne gets caught in the Guerrero corner and double-teamed, and the announcers are already bored with the match and go off on their idiotic tangents to amuse themselves. Like, if you wanted to do the six-man, why not just book the six-man? Why waste the potentially big US title match on a nothing squash match and then do a boring six-man instead? Kofi gets a hot tag and pounds away on Swagger in the corner, and now Mason Ryan comes out as the third man. Kofi with a diving elbow on Swagger in the corner for two, and Ryder tags in. And immediately gets destroyed like a total geek. So that brings in Ryan, who then turns on his team and lays them both out. This leaves Ziggler alone with Ryder, and he finishes with the Rough Rider at 6:27. So he does a job for Ziggler in the title match and then gets a meaningless pin in a six-man after another guy did all the work for him, and this is supposed to build him up? ** This is like TNA booking. Meanwhile, the Guerrero stable is determined to go against the silly booking trope of the heels winning their initial matches as a team in order to present them as a threat.  I mean, remember when the Heenan family members used to do jobs week after week to midcard geeks before their matches with Hulk Hogan? What? That didn’t ever happen?
Meanwhile, David Otunga organizes the heels due to unsafe working environment.
Alberto Del Rio v. CM Punk
Punk and Del Rio brawl outside a bit, but ADR catches him from behind and chokes away on the ropes. Punk stomps him down in the corner, but Del Rio gets an enzuigiri and we take a break. Back with Del Rio working the arm and getting a clothesline for two. The announcers talk endlessly trying to construct some sort of issue for fans to give a shit about the PPV main event, but there’s just nothing here. Uh, they all want the title, that’s all they really got. Why do we need three people and why is it in the Cell? Ask the underpants gnomes, I guess. More arm work from Del Rio, but Punk comes back with a neckbreaker for two. High knee in the corner, but Del Rio counters the bulldog into a single-arm DDT and stomps the arm again. Del Rio goes to finish, but Punk hits him with a high kick out of nowhere for the pin at 9:15. Good match, but the show was putting me to sleep so I can’t be bothered to care overly. **3/4 And then the cell mysteriously lowers! Well, Big Bossman’s dead, so it can’t be him.
The Pulse
Very few shows outside of TNA make me actively avoid buying a PPV, but this one accomplished that goal. Congratulations, WWE! I bet there won’t be a “did you know†bragging about the buyrate of Hell In A Cell when the numbers come out.  But anal bleeding is trending on Twitter, so that’s something, I guess.
