Hello ladies and gentlemen! I’m here, drugged up on cold medicine and painkillers, just to bring you your Smackdown Report. I only warn you about that so that if I start to make little to no sense…you’ll know why.
Okay, so here we go! We kick it off with Booker T, and he introduces Mark Henry. The very moist giant makes his way to the ring, scowl and all. Booker congratulates, and Henry gets grouchy. Henry then accuses him of kissing his ass AND insulting him. His focus then inevitably shifts to Randy.
After chastising the fans for cheering for Orton, he promises to induct him into the Hall of Pain at Hell in a Cell. Booker cuts in and asks why he can’t just be the best champion he can be. Henry retorts with the fact that he played the good Superstar for so long, shaking hands and kissing babies. They start bickering about Orton until it’s finally over.
The Great Khali makes his way out to meet Henry for their match.
Khali moving with a surprising quickness (which is still quite slow) to corner Henry and keep the momentum. He manages to knock Henry off his feet, but Henry uses his strength to his advantage and takes control. Two…splashes? Very messy ones, and he covers Khali for a near fall. Khali gets his final shots in before being met with the World’s Strongest Slam and it’s over. Like ripping off a bandaid.
Well, maybe not. Henry grabs a chair as Khali lies in the ring. Sets it up all fancy-like, and crushes the leg like he has so many other times. Now it’s over.
Commercial.
When we come back, Teddy Long is next to Khali as he’s being stretchered out backstage, and Jinder decides that now is the time to shout!
Air Boom time! Evan runs out first, with Kofi right behind. This tag team is absolutely delightful. I love these two. Next out is Jack Swagger, with Vickie and Dolph trailing behind. I guess this is a singles contest!
Swagger pounces on Bourne, slamming him hard on the mat. Bourne’s vicious kicks shift gears, though, long enough to give him the energy to counter everything Swagger tries. Vickie screams at the ref while Dolph attacks. Swagger tries to go for the Gutwrench, but Bourne counters. He sets Swagger up for the Shooting Star Press but Vickie pulls on the ropes, forcing him to tumble down. Swagger locks in the Ankle Lock and Bourne taps.
Commercial.
Sin Cara enters and by the shape of his belly button and torso…I’d say this is Mistico coming out. Followed by Heath Slater and the worst entrance music I’ve ever heard.
Here we go, with a flurry! Some lightening quick offense from Sin Cara and…boom. It’s over.
Other-Sin-Cara (Hunico) is on the screen, in the same gear, but it’s black. Hunico says that Mistico stole his identity, so he’s doing the same. And on Sunday, we’ll see who “is the REAL Sin Caraâ€.
Commercial.
We come back to a super long video package detailing Triple H’s journey since becoming COO, and then cut to backstage with Christian, Otunga, Dolph, Vickie, and Cody talking to John. The only thing I can focus on is the ridiculous bowtie Otunga is wearing.
WWE hypes their upcoming channel, which I gotta say I’m pretty excited for…
Commercial, again.
Joan Cena enters, and it seems that Nattie got the jobber entrance today. Splendid.
Bell rings and here we go. Nattie treats Joan like a little lamb, which Joan doesn’t like as she strikes. They go back and forth, trading control. A pathetic roll up and it’s over.
Maybe not. Beth attacks within seconds of the bell ringing, and hits the Glam Slam. Then Nattie locks in an agonizing submission maneuver as Beth vows victory.
God, I HOPE SO.
Commercial…yet again.
Cody Rhodes enters when we return, mic in hand! He thinks he’s being discriminated against in the WWE. He seems extra insane today…I like it. He talks about the fact that even though he has nine staples in his head from Randy’s attack last week, he’s being forced to compete over and over again. He says that his title defense tonight will be in protest. Okay!
Sheamus comes out next, also with a mic. He promises to destroy him and take his title.
Bell rings and Sheamus wastes little time. Cody takes a moment to regroup outside the ring, but Sheamus is waiting for him to return. Sheamus’s brutality overpowers Rhodes, but not for long. Cody finds a way to counter, and then hits the Beautiful Disaster. The last thing we see before heading to commercial break is a stiff knee to Sheamus’s head.
Commercial.
When we return, Cody seems to still be in control. Big dropkick from Cody and Sheamus is trying to get to his feet. Cody works on the left arm of Sheamus. Sheamus is tangled up on the ring post as Cody slams his arm from outside the ring. Cody is doing his best to keep Sheamus down, twisting up his arm into a mess and putting Sheamus through agony. Finally he gets the momentum break that he needs, and sends Cody flying through the corner, shoulder striking the ring post hard. Sheamus is back on his feet, and quickly slams Cody. He scales the ropes, and assaults Cody with his shoulder. Sheamus is shocked when that maneuver only gives him a two-count. Cody dodges Sheamus once, tries to hit Beautiful Disaster but misses. Sheamus hoists Cody up for the High Cross, but Christian runs out, disqualifying the match and hitting the Killswitch on him.
Commercial.
Oh boy, here’s Zack Ryder! And…JTG. I always forget he’s alive…
The two circle, and JTG is the first to strike. He remains in control, manhandling Ryder until Zack snaps. Big boot to JTG’s face, cover, for two, to which Zack screams “Are you serious, bro?!†Rough Ryder anyway, and it’s over!
Trips backstage with John I-Can-Never-Spell-His-Last-Name. Trips sends a message to him, also using the famous “future endeavors†line.
Commercial.
A quick look at the impending Hell in a Cell PPV. Make sure you check out what the Pulse kids thought about this PPV, and who they picked to win in the Rasslin’ Roundtable!
Randy Orton chats with Striker backstage. He brings up his twisted past, and all the shenanigans he used to get into. Blah blah blah, Hell in a Cell. Blah blah blah, competed in it three times. Blah blah blah, RKO.
Christian enters…
Commercial.
Randy out next, and while it takes him a fortnight to enter, I have a fun fact for you all. I’m a professional dance choreographer, and solidified my markdom by choreographing a dance to “Voicesâ€, Randy’s song. It was actually pretty creepy and crazy, but has completely ruined Randy’s entrance for me. So, there. You learned something new today.
They take their sweet time to begin, both hesitant. But Christian wins the faceoff, knocking Randy down first. But Randy shakes it off, hitting a wicked clothesline. Missile dropkick from Christian from the corner. His offense continues, building up…
Commercial.
Christian gloats to the crowd and a sea of boos, after working on Randy’s neck. Randy in the corner, Christian screams about wanting to embarrass him. But BOOM. Randy fights back in a sudden strike, but not for long. Finally, Orton creates some space, and his eyes start to bug out. After trading punches, Christian runs the ropes to attack, but is met with a HUGE dropkick. Christian keeps trying to get back on top, but Randy builds his momentum higher and higher. Christian jumps up in the corner, looks like he’s going for the Springboard Sunset Flip but pauses as Randy sets up for the RKO, wisely. Christian to the other corner, top rope, halted. Randy signals for the RKO, tries but Christian fends him off. Christian signals for the Spear, connects, but Randy kicks out! Now he signals for the Killswitch, Randy throws an elbow, to the ropes, DDT. Now the crowd is going apeshit, Randy wants to go for the RKO but Christian bolts out of the ring and up the ramp. Randy chases him, sending him flying over the steel steps. The two are counted out, but they continue.
Randy brings Christian to the announce table, tearing it apart. Both climb on top, but Rhodes dashes out, knocking Randy down. All three in the ring, and it’s Sheamus to the rescue! Sheamus chases Christian out of the building, Cody vanishes, and Mark Henry’s music cues up. Randy is all alone in the ring, and takes the World’s Strongest Slam. Henry begins to leave, but stops. He grabs a chair once again, but Randy strikes with an RKO to stop him for the moment.
Credits roll.
