The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 10.03.11
– Live from the Cajundome, which I’m assuming is in New Orleans,LA.
– Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jim Ross & Booker T.
Randy Orton v. Drew McIntyre
Drew, without an entrance and in the ring when the show starts, might be the jobbiest jobber who ever jobbed at this point. At least John Morrison gets entrances. Sadly I don’t have my WWE-to-English dictionary handy, so I’m not sure what he did to get punished this way, but if he ever gets forced to cut his hair, look out. Orton quickly clotheslines him down and stomps away, then dropkicks him to the floor and tosses him around ringside. Back in for the punches in the corner, but Drew gets his sad comeback with a big boot and a suplex for two. The ponytail is out, so you know he means business, but Orton has had enough selling and beats the hell out of him in the corner, only to miss a blind charge. Drew with a neckbreaker for two. He goes up and lands on Orton’s feet, and Orton hits the usual stuff. His setup of the draping DDT is more contrived than usual, as he basically just puts Drew on the apron and then DDTs him back in. RKO finishes at 5:30, and thus endeth the squash. No, wait, after some posing, he gives McIntyre another RKO. *1/2 Really, there’s a million indy geeks who would love the payday and wouldn’t care about being squashed like this, why not use someone like that instead of wasting McIntyre? Afterwards, Mark Henry comes out to gloat, and the brawl is on. I was kind of hoping they’d just move onto Sheamus for a while, but I guess it’s Henry-Orton III at whatever the next PPV is.
Let us now take a special look at Mark Henry’s Hall of Pain. I bet Vince wouldn’t even let Randy Savage into that Hall, either. Big Show returns on Smackdown, just to clog up the main event scene further.
Mark Henry v. John Morrison
Hey, speaking of Johnny Jobber, now he gets to put Henry over as well. This man will rue the day he ever met Melina or WWE will die trying. Even Morrison’s POWER OF PARKOUR can’t make a dent in Henry, as the World’s Strongest Slam looks to finish early, but Morrison escapes and goes to the knee. Starship Pain only gets two, as Henry casually throws him off and kills him dead at 2:02. * Much like Orton, Henry adds another slam afterwards. Michael Cole questions why it was OK for Orton to do that, and not Henry. “That was different†notes Booker. Whew, that’s a relief. Henry cuts his angry promo afterwards, noting that he’s DONE with Randy Orton, and now he wants Big Show. Yeah, I don’t. That’s really the worst direction they could have gone outside of Great Khali as the next challenger.
Meanwhile, David Otunga and his class action lawsuit participants protest their treatment to Executive Vice President of Texting Johnny Ace.
Did You Know that WWE’s anti-bullying campaign got entered into the Congressional Record as a “champion anti-bullying campaignâ€. I don’t know what the fuck that’s even supposed to mean, but I bet we’ll hear a lot more about it as Linda’s election campaign progresses. Meanwhile, the promotion basically treats John Morrison like garbage because of who he dates. I wonder if the Be a STAR people have seen the Cranky Vince Twitter feed?
Alberto Del Rio and his 5 lawsuit-minded friends join him to complain about HHH’s job as COO. By the way, I’m pumped that Cody Rhodes is rocking the REAL Intercontinental title belt now instead of the piece of crap we’ve had to put up with for 13 years now. We just need to get rid of the spinner belt and replace it with the Giant Gold Eagle belt again. So after dull promos about “unsafe working conditions†from ADR, Cody,Christian, Swagger, Ziggler, Vickie and finally Bowtunga, we get the response from COOHHH. HHH is, like many people, sick of the whiny heels who get screwed over and then cry about it like babies, instead of picking themselves up and fighting. Like MARK F’N HENRY. He took 15 years to get over, and he made the most of it, consarnit! HHH tells him to stick their lawsuit up their ass (in so many words), and shut up and fight. I agree.
Kelly Kelly & Eve v. THE DIVAS OF DOOM
We get still frames of the title change from the PPV, just in case anyone was planning on ordering the replay based on that, I guess. So this program MUST CONTINUE, I guess, even though we’ve pretty much beaten it into the ground now. Kelly, who was smiling all the way to the ring, suddenly snaps and brawls with Beth right away and the ref calls for the DQ at 0:30. Didn’t HHH just tell the people getting screwed over to stand up and fight? That’s what Kelly was doing! What a bunch of hypocrites. DUD Kelly is ridiculously bad, as she can’t even keep her motivations straight for one segment.
Meanwhile, the Executive Vice President of Funkhauser asks COOHHH for an apology and thinks that a performance evaluation might be a good idea. HHH thinks that if Ace wants him out, he should get everyone in the locker room and take a vote.
Santino Marella v. Jinder Mahal
Santino has hair again now, and it doesn’t really work on him. Makes him look like Bruno Kirby, actually. The Cobra finishes at 0:30, and that’s that. DUD The pecking order is really getting firmly established in this show, I have to say. And while the top might be murky, the bottom is crystal clear.
Video package for Brodus Clay. He looks nothing like his name. He needs some sort of gimmick name for that kind of look.
Last night: After Del Rio wins the title back, Miz and Truth hit the ring and destroy everyone, leading to a Dusty Rhodes special with the cage coming down and the babyfaces getting massacred. This week’s mystery: Who raised the Cell? Obviously the ghost of Big Bossman, duh. And then we get a YouTube video of Miz and Truth apologizing, complete with a shot of the website itself. Why would the company air this on their TV show if they’re fired and suing WWE?
CM Punk, John Cena, Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, Sheamus and Mason Ryan v. Christian, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, Alberto Del Rio, Cody Rhodes and David Otunga
Apparently not elimination, which is weird. Everyone switches off in various combinations for the first few minutes and Sheamus beats on Swagger and gets the backbreaker for two. Punk goes up and Swagger tags out to Rhodes, who stomps away on Punk in the corner and goes to a neck vice. It turns into a big standoff and we take a break. Back with Cody hitting a flash kick on Kofi for two, and ADR gets a low dropkick for two. Kofi gets the heat as the heels beat on him in the corner, but Kofi sends Rhodes into the railing for a hope spot before Christian cuts him off again. For a match with 12 guys in it, this has been pretty dull thus far and would have been much better served as an elimination tag to speed up the pace. Otunga drops an elbow for two. Michael Cole explains the vote of no-confidence that’s upcoming, and that it’s “non-binding but will go a long way towards the future of the company†and then further goes on to note that HHH will have to resign if he loses the vote. That sounds pretty binding. Cole makes it sound about as exciting as an hour of C-Span. Bourne gets the hot tag, and Vickie gets ejected as we take another break. We’re 15:00 into this thing and it’s going nowhere thus far. And we’re back with Bourne getting the crap kicked out of him now. Cena gets a tag and then HE gets beaten up in the corner. Swagger with the pump splash for two, but it’s over to Sheamus now, and everyone goes crazy and hits their finishers in one of those great sequences. This all leads to Sheamus finishing Ziggler with the Brogue Kick at 25:05. This was good, but felt overcrowded. A 10-minute tag match with one heat segment would have done fine.  *** By the way, Mason Ryan has no place celebrating with the actual money-drawing babyfaces like he’s earned something.
Main Event Vote of No-Confidence:Â
You know, we had one of these here in Canada earlier this year to bring down the government, and the result was Stephen Harper emerging with a majority government and completely destroying his arch-enemies in the Liberal party. So with the entire locker room (minus John Cena and CM Punk) out there to judge HHH, the COO again states that people need to shut the hell up and fight, and that he’s old school about things that way. He only works for the WWE Universe. I don’t recall voting for him. Wade Barrett speaks for the wrestlers while William Regal is a hurricane of tormented facial expressions behind him. HHH feels like Barrett is upset at “all the chaos†because Barrett’s not the one causing it this time. What chaos? Miz and Truth attacking some referees?  Who gives a crap about them? So the referees and women are scared, and Jerry Lawler joins in to note that things are out of control. So everyone votes “no confidence†and walks out. Oh no, the refs and Divas are leaving, what ever will we do without them? Then Michael Cole and the announce team leave, as well as the cameramen. This was so fucking stupid even by their own low standards as of late. The whole argument against HHH was a straw man to begin with, as things are no more chaotic or dangerous than they ever are. The locker room is a bunch of pussies if they’re afraid for their well-being because of the Miz running out and beating people up. I’d just like to be the voice of reason here and point out that there’s a PPV in three weeks with nothing announced for it yet, and HHH is presumably not a part of it. So why do we give a shit about whether he’s COO or not? Why do we give a shit about ANYONE who’s COO? What does any of this bullshit have to do with wrestling matches or selling tickets to those matches? I don’t watch this show for the episodic scripted “drama†that they’ve been trying to shove down our throats since the Russo era. It’s not fucking Glee, it’s WRESTLING. I don’t care if it’s HHH, Johnny Ace, Vince McMahon, Mick Foley, the Celebrity Guest GM or the stupid laptop making the matches, IT DOESN’T MATTER. Just have someone make the matches and then do as HHH suggests and have a damn match. I like the Mark Henry stuff because it’s about a guy who cuts promos towards people with the intent of selling a match and getting the World title over. On the other side of things, we have people bitching about a vague lawsuit against the figurehead of the company and conspiracies and mysterious cages and cell phones and a whole bunch of other shit that thus far has not gone ANYWHERE. Nothing has changed with HHH as the COO, and nothing will change if he gets fired and replaced with Johnny Ace or Vince McMahon or Mick Foley or anyone else.
Pulse Glazer also agrees with my viewpoint.   As does Todd Martin.  So that’s our vote of no-confidence in the show, I guess.
Rant over.
