For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 10/10/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 10/10/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, GM-hoppingist column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your host Andrew Wheeler, and between the sad state of affairs the Dolphins are in, the Gators are in, the NBA is in and the Marlins are in, the southern part of my state is, by default, Florida Panther fans. We always felt it would take a small miracle for an area that wouldn’t know snow if it landed on their face, and that small miracle is here. The one downside? Hockey, like UFC, may be thrilling live, but on television it leaves much to be desired. So what does that mean? That if the WWE starts churning out a compelling product, my Miami/Fort Lauderdale/Boca Raton contingent may tune in and actually make next year’s Wrestlemania a success. The counterargument? This week’s RAW.

The RAW Judicial Review for 10/10/11

“We promised you a great main event here tonight.”

There is no pyro, no ballyhoo, and no joy in Whoville, for the announce desk is empty. Wait a minute…no Cole? No Booker? I take it back. This may be the best opening segment of a wrestling…er…sports entertainment program in months. Even better? No Nickelback RAW Opening! Viva la Occupy RAW!

Speaking of which, we get the Triple H is Legend shtick with him walking around in the back and only seeing production goofs. He’s got the Lil’ Abner look on his face. It’s like he’s Gabbo, which would make the hand up his ass…nevermind. Hunter comes out to the ring and comes short of just going, “Wha happened?” Triple H, the true backstage politician that he is, immediately frames the issue with an incredibly slanted view. He says that the WWE Superstars walked out on the fans and not him. They complained about it being too hard to be on RAW because it’s an unsafe working environment. He comes short of mocking them for being girls, which probably wouldn’t have offended most of the Divas (the jury is still out on the Snukette, brutha).

Hunter tells the guys in the parking lot to kiss his ass, which is something you’d hear from a Wall Street COO and not a pro wrestling COO. He then tells everyone about his boyhood dream of being the only guy on RAW and wrestling broomsticks to a five star match. Somewhere from a rented one-bedroom apartment, Ric Flair just gave him a pop. Just for good measure, Hunter points out that the broomstick is a better wrestler than most of the guys in the parking lot. Well gee, that should make people wanna stick around. Look, I’ll give him the broomsticks from Fantasia, and I’ll even venture to guess a Swiffer’s easier to work with than Mason Ryan, but to impugn most of the locker-room like that is inconceivable.

John Cena, being both a festering open wound on the IWC and a scab, comes to the ring. He talks about being a fence-sitter, or as most political pundits would call it, an “undecided”. Cena points out that most of the boys outside are having knee-jerk reactions because Hunter is their first real boss. Yeah, because the indie guys they worked for before who would stiff them on money and make them wrestle on broken rings were the “good guys”. John recaps all of his bosses; Vince McMahon, Eric Bischoff (“When did Cena wrestle in TNA?” asked one ignorant guy somewhere in our great nation), Vickie Guerrero, Billy Martin, Bret Hart, Billy Martin, 56 General Managers ranging from famous black basketball starts to famous black modern civil rights proponents, Mike Adamle (a name that should have led to a gaping hole of fire and demons to form in the center of the ring) and, of course, a computer. So by default, Hunter’s not the worst of the lot and therefore Cena’s sticking with him. John Cena’s a company man? This really is a shocking episode of RAW.

Sheamus comes down to the ring sans pants, which is traumatizing enough to make me side with him for fear of things getting even more awkward. He, in his perfectly understandable accent that i would never mock again because the WWE supports anti-bullying, talks about how two years ago he tried to kill Chiple Ache with a lead pipe in the conservatory, despite not really knowing what a conservatory is and thinking it has to do with recycling, and is thus stupid. Anyway, he tried to kill Hunter and despite having an air-tight case of aggravated assault, he didn’t sue the heretofore invisible pants off of Sheamus. Instead, Hunter did the American thing and took his own brand of vigilante justice, because Charles Bronson was unavailable. And since a little attempted murder between friends can be forgiven, he’s standing by Ache.

CM Punk now comes to the ring, also bereft of trousers. Guys, we’re begging for someone to throw on a pair of Dockers or something. Punk says that this new wave of quasi-shoots are a direct response to him and his slicked back hair. However, since he doesn’t like people stealing his gimmicks, he’s siding with Hunter. He even says that he likes the unsafe working environment before calling everyone in the parking lot a hippie. So just to be clear, the straight-edge guy with the tattoos and piercings is anti-hippie.

Hunter, realizing that the WWE has thrived on fewer solid talent than this in the past, decides to just go ahead and book RAW. He makes a match between John Cena and Sheamus (despite Punk raising his hand…anarchy!) with himself as referee and Punk on commentary. Bonus points to CM for asking to use Triple H’s jacket. And, since Punk loves unsafe working environments, he puts the headphones on as we go to…


John Cena v. Shemaus

We get a lot of rolling around and inoffensive offense between two babyfaces for a bit before Vince McMahon decides to Randal down the aisle. He says that he likes the new Triple H Era, which probably has nothing to do with the fact that it’s almost exactly the same as the McMahon Era where John Cena is the top babyface and Hunter cuts twenty minute promos. Sadly, the Board of Directors, the WWE’s deus ex machina, has decided that Hunter can no longer play in the RAW sandbox. Instead, they will find a man with honor and integrity to fill the role, but since I saw Mick Foley tweet a minute before the announcement, I figured it wasn’t gonna be him. We then find out that the interim General Manager will be Johnny Ace Funkhouser. And with that, Cena has a new name to add to his lame duck authority list.


Jim Ross gets his own introduction, which is nice because…oh no…we’re in Oklahoma. I have a bad feeling about this.

Johnny Ace awkwardly welcomes everyone back in from outside, which prompts 50’s greaser John Slo-Mo-Rrison to stop and say that The Narcissist Triple H was better than he is. This prompts Ace to book him in a match against Christian. I know he’s supposed to be a heel, but that’s not a bad first match to book.

John Slo-Mo-Rrison w/ Leather Jacket v. Christian w/ Cody Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler, Kurt SwAngle & Vickie Guerrero

Both men wrestle in street clothes, which means t-shirts and denim. Sadly, there are no Shaun White hoodies to compliment the denim. They try hard to make this seem like a street fight, but the numbers game catches up to John (he can’t do math, a secret shame…like his relationship with Melina and his inability to grow a decent beard) and after a Ziggler distraction, he eats a Spear for the loss. After the match, Team Spray Tan beat the hell out of Morrison because no burial is complete without a gangland style mugging.


Did you know Smackdown is the second longest running weekly episodic show in history despite all evidence to the contrary? Did you know Vince McMahon has beachfront property in Kansas that he’s selling for dirt cheap?

We relive the thrill of seeing The Big Show’s new merchandise debut before he and Henry went at it in what was less of a brawl and more of what appeared to be a fairly aggressive lava lamp. Mark is in the ring live and he sweats his way through a promo about how he’s good and Big Show’s bad. He’s smart and Big Show’s stupid. He’s a little bit country and Big Show’s a little bit rock and roll.

Randy Orton’s voice interrupts this, though we never see Randy’s microphone. Did he steal Undertaker’s ability to talk without a mic? Impressive.


Randy Orton v. Mark Hey-Hey-Henry

They brawl for a little while, with Mark hitting a powerslam (which shouldn’t be confused with the World’s Strongest Slam). Orton comes back and shows us why he’s the best stomp man in the business. He even hits the Dangling DDT, which didn’t look as good as he was hoping. Cody Rhodes runs out, which is impressive since that mask probably distorts his ability to gauge distance. This distraction proves a complete waste as Orton still RKOs the champion. Cody decides to interfere anyway and jumps Randy for the DQ. He welcomes Randy to the CrossRhodes and then puts a bag on his head before channeling Gary Oldman in Hannibal with his creepy cadence. Jim Ross makes such a big deal about this paper bag that you’d think it was going to kill Orton instead of the paper bag killing Cody’s heat.


Kelly Kelly & Eve Eve v. Rosa Mendes & Snukette

Two of these women are considered the bedrocks of the Diva Division, while the other two haven’t been seen on television in months, so the mystery of who won seems relatively moot. Eve winds up pinning Snukette with an abysmal moonsault for the win. The Divas of Destruction look on from the back and seem impressed, which shows that they really don’t have very high standards.

Johnny Ace comes out to announce that it’ll be Alberto Del Rio versus John Cena at Vengeance. Wait, I thought he was supposed to be a heel. Ace then calls Jim Ross into the ring as the other shoe drops. Johnny, like every heel before him, fires Jim Ross. Glad to see he finally popped his JR Cherry, an analogy that has now made me incredibly sick to my stomach.


Mason Ryan & Nerf Air Boom v. Dolph Ziggler, Kurt SwAngle and David Otunga, Esquire w/ Vickie

The less said about this disaster the better. Four of these men are great workers who are more than capable of going through the motions of a RAW match. Otunga, despite being limited, has shown that he isn’t the complete injury risk he once was. So, of course, Mason Ryan gets the win. The guy has almost no heat, looks like the poster child for why a Wellness Policy is in place, and wrestles in such a way that the Johnny Ace era may be an even more unsafe environment than the Triple H Era. On the other hand, he is big and tan, and those are the traits Ace loves to put over.

Brodus Clay is coming…to eventually job to Mason Ryan.


Alberto Del Rio v. CM Punk

Ah Ricardo Rodriguez, your anal-cavity eye sockets notwithstanding, you are a delight. This is a storied rivalry, which was news to me since I thought they barely interacted until last month. Then again, at the fruit-fly-pace this company works, that’s an eternity.

The two guys put on what we’ve come to expect from them, which is a solid piece of wrestling. Punk winds up on the outside holding his knee, which brings Johnny Ace out to stop the match. Two match stoppages in one night? Odd. He announces that he’s rehired Miz and Resurrection-Truth, and they will face the tam of Punk and Del Rio.

The Miz and R-Truth sing and dance down to the ring, letting us all know how much we are like vacuums. Their shtick is way too cutesy for vicious heels, and it’s giving them a decidedly midcard feel that they don’t really need anymore. They killed a bunch of referees and crew members, tanked a main event and beat down the three biggest stars on RAW; that should give them enough heat.

Alberto Del Rio & CM Punk v. The Awesome Tooth

Surprisingly, Del Rio fights with gusto…to a point. He “tweaks” his knee and has to be helped to the back, leaving Punk to fend for himself. Punk winds up getting a surprising amount of offense in what is essentially a handicap match. CM Punk hits the Macho Man Elbow and the GTS on Miz, but Truth makes the save for the…DQ? Really? Really? How hard was it to let TWO heels beat Punk? Hell, these were two RETURNING heels! They needed that little extra heat. Instead, they choose to deliver the third beatdown of the night, which prompts the suit-free Triple H to make the save. Truth and Miz flee, because they must have gotten cold now that they have no more heat.

Johnny Ace books Triple H and Punk versus Awesome Tooth at Vengeance as David Otunga sips coffee. Wait, I thought Ace wanted to punish Triple H. Oh well.

This show must have been booked from Moscow because it certainly felt rushin’. That joke was there to illustrate a point; that it was less painful than this show.

The WWE fell asleep and left it’s foot on the gas and burned through three weeks of storylines in one night to get to a PPV in two weeks that is going to die a painful death. Not to play armchair booker, but this show should have been solely about the walkout. How? Easy. The first segment went about twenty five minutes before we even had a match. They should have just let them wrestle a full match, let Punk be funny on commentary and have an actual finish, no matter how fuck-like it needed to be. Boom, forty minutes. Commercial. They come back and we see protesters outside with signs or something. Mark Henry comes out and cuts a promo about how he doesn’t care about the walk-out but he does care about beating people up. Orton shows up and they have the match they essentially had anyway. Hell, Big Show could interfere since he wasn’t technically there for the walk-out anyway. We then get a segment where Otunga, representing the walk-outs, talks about why they won’t be on RAW as a rebuttal to Triple H. Hunter could then say that Del Rio as WWE Champion will be stripped if he doesn’t compete in the main event against CM Punk. In the end, Team Lawsuit can run in and we end in chaos. This means that NEXT WEEK we get the whole Vince surprise appearance and Johnny Ace being put in charge, and the WEEK AFTER leads to the revelation that Miz and Truth are back. Instead, we got all of this in one night. Ye gads.

This has been for your consideration.

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