CB’s World: sideshowbob reviews IMPACT Wrestling 10.13.11

sideshowbob reviews IMPACT Wrestling, in his own words…

Hello, hooray, let the show begin, I’ve been ready…

Welcome to TNA! No don’t adjust your monitor; this is the one and only sideshowbob sending in a TNA recap. Will it make the cut from CB? Maybe. Will TNA require more than one viewing for me to sit through it to type this? Most likely. Will it generate as much heat as a Blair A. Douglas article about Mark Henry? Doubtful. Now keep in mind I can NOT usually sit through an episode, and I’m a WWE guy so I only have part of some backstories…

If I’m missing something, sue me. Write your own comments below and I’ll critique it in return..

Hogan enters the building, Sting enters already wearing his facepaint..

Kurt is starting to look like that over the hill UFC guy that got knocked stupid after he had no business in the ring.. Might be prophetic.. Calls out Bobby Roode, tells him he earned his shot, but he’s Kurt Angle proving he’s the best every day.. Oh and Roode has to fight Jeff Jarret and Gunter later tonight.

Oh my goodness! Backstage! Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles and RVD and Jerry Lynn are scrapping in the backstage area! But we have to go to a commercial. On a prerecorded show. Nice editing. Oh wait that’s by design. Because it’s prerecorded and they want to disrupt their own momentum I guess…

Walking Dead. Sunday. Hell yeah.

And we’re back and AJ is being brought ot the ring my Daniels and Jerry Lynn… This match is showing me one thing for sure. RVD is still a 5-move-guy. Wait I take that back. It’s also confirming Jerry Lynn is past his heyday and doesn’t really belong on a national level, never has, never will I guess. AJ has had good matches, but he’s not phenomenal enough to save this..

RVD and Jerry Lynn… Slower than days gone by, SSDD. Daniels is in and.. I’m immediately distracted by the skinny neck. Classy Freddie Blassie would have a field day with this guy..

Everyone is jumping on each other and AJ does a somersault over the top rope and lands on his back. OUCH. Catch him dumbasses… AJ hits the Styles Clash on Lynn.. Umm.. I haven’t really watched many of AJ’s matches, so can someone explain the logic of how that finishing move is supposed to be devastating? I’m not seeing it. Was this a bad application?

Samoa Joe vs Matt Morgan is NEXT!

But first Kurt Angle tries to sell me auto insurance… HAHAHAHA. Oh this is one of the highlights of this episode, I promise you..

Samoa Joe reminds me of Blutowski. Can’t figure out why. Can’t take him seriously either. But he’s angry and carries his own towel. He’s lucky that there are no Harts or Skaalands around. Here comes Matt Morgan and his beard. Funny a blueprint is used to build something as per a generic plan.. Ok. Time for a little play by play: punch punch punch knee… Backwards elbows are just lame.

Seriously, people bitch about stinkfaces from WWE Divas, but this back elbow BS gets a pass? Joe kicks Morgan. And hits a “running” knee.. Didn’t look crisp, and I don’t believe Joe runs.. Rollup and Morgan wins.. Joe clips the back of the knee, then hits some odd version of a legwhip that doesn’t look like it would hurt anyone… Here comes Crimson.

Joe calls them both bitches and calls himself an alpha male in a jungle… And he has just made their match a triple threat match, hey wait how did that just happen?? And why does everyone love this Joe guy? He didn’t show anything here.

Jeff Hardy rehab video package… Nah he wouldn’t show up tonight now would he?

Mexican Americans are in the ring talking about Ink Incorporated.. Calling them bitches. Are these guys in this company ALL this unoriginal? And they wanna do them Mexican prison style? They don’t mean, wait yeah they do..

Yep, now here comes Ink Inc.. Calls out the Mexican Americas for living in America… This is what happens when you try using logic from a guy with a mowhawk.. Well no shit, they’re called Mexican AMERICAN. Oh wait, the guy who looks like an oversized Garbage Pail kid, hey I know him. That little MF’er! Shannon Moore. The Omega guy who still has a job and best of my knowledge been the one to stay off the crackpipe.. The most stable one. Shannon Moore. Let that sink in..

Ink Inc tells Mexican Americans to get out.. Original.. Oh no it’s a girl with a mowhawk.. Wait was that Jeff Hardy Yes? No? Oh my a suplex into a.. They put him down feet first.. Huh? The Mexicools leave while the mowhawk kids are asking a dude to show off a tattoo. And Taz wants to see the tattoo. Prison bitches and tattoos. Yep, this is the angle apparently..

Kendrick and Jesse Sorenson(?) vs Kid Kash and Austin Aries. Time has not been kind to Kid Cash. Aries is wearing a pink fuzzy-vest as Taz tells us Aries wanted him to say real men wear pink. Seriously, people bitch about Cole and Booker, but Taz gets a pass? I’ll bet he lets pigeons loose later, cuz that’s MUCH classier than Lawler calling for puppies.. Kash is wearing leftover gear from when he was Jamie Noble’s sidekick… Not seeing why all the love is there for Kash and/or Aries… Maybe this is just not a good week for Aries.. Never got into Kash.. Lukewarm tag to Kendrick..

I like Kendrick, but I fear he will just be at best a comedy wrestler who can go.. Slices of bread gets reversed.. But the heels argue..

Kendrick pins Aries, and sweet baby Jesus… Kendrick has the most swank-awesome ridiculous but still cool exit theme… OK he’s challenging at BFG (not Big F%^%ing Gun) so of course, he got the pin in a tag match prior. Duh.

Velvet Sky to the ring and Taz only lets the pigeons “disperse”’. Mickie James to the ring.. No gear for either.. Winter and Angelina Love join the fray.. Karen Jarrett with Madison and the lady who screwed Bischoff.. And KJ has a mic.. She fights like a banshee? What?

Nobody wanted women on the card she claims. Calls out Velvet.. Calls her a slut basically… KJ is a role model for the “female race”… Somewhere in there she started to mimic the Sable line about women want to be her. Oh her and Velvet argue..

Oh thanks camera man, you showed them setting up a schoolboy trip.. Women brawl into a “double catfight”, and Karen’s minion, Tracy Brooks is gonna be scrubbing toilets apparently.. Brooks is a dude right?

Oh hey “Bully Ray” has a moment of talking to the camera.. No st-st-stuttering AND he’s a singles competitor now. Okay. Facing Anderson in Philly. How is it that this guy wears his BLS patches on camera? There’s gotta be some sort of copyright infringement that can be called out to get him off tv right? Please? More on this later and you may learn something…

Walking Dead season 2 premiere this Sunday.. Kick. Ass.

AJ’s kids won’t play with Chris’ kids apparenly… Maybe they can.. WHOA! Parking lot assault by the Christopher Daniels. AJ just got his ass whipped by a dude who took the time to put on guyliner before kicking his ass.. Wow.

Bullyray and Scott Steiner to the ring. Oh Christ I forgot, Steiner is facing Anderson… Someone’s gonna swear. You watch. Sidenote – Hell’s Kitchen – For those who don’t know, “Hell’s Kitchen” was the original name of Zakk Wylde’s Black Label Society band, hence the layout of the first cd liner notes… SDMF – Strength Determination Merciless Forever.. Berzerker is usually reserved for referring to the military, not sure why he’s got that one other than it comes in the sew it on yourself patch kit these days.. Oh and Zakk did commentary for MTV Wrestling Society X. There you go, history lesson for ya..

Anderson beats Steiner to swearing btw.. Steiner with a belly to belly. Punch. Elbow. Pushups. Anderson tries a rollup that would’ve been into the ropes. Awesome ring presense by Anderson… Clubbering… More clubbing forearms. Steiner needs to hold the ropes to not get stuck on his back like a turtle these days..

Speaking of reptiles, I wanna make luggage out of Steiner’s skin these days.. IT PUTS THE LOTION ON THE SKIN!!!! Anderson attempts a comeback, short lived.. Here’s Abyss.. Who hits Steiner with the chain cuz Anderson ducked.. Immortal guys are calling Abyss names.. Abyss fights ‘em and predictably gets beat down, and Anderson stupidly returns to the ring and gets put through a table by Dudley. Slop. Predictable slop. Buckets of slop.

H2 backstage.. Looking in a mirror… Was that Warrior in the reflection!!??

Direct auto insurance.. Kurt Angle. HAHAHAHAHA. Again. That never gets old.

Kurt is pestering Cowboy Beer Money guy. Cowboy ain’t whipping Kurt’s ass out of respect for Bobby.

Jeff haha Jarrett with the Mexico title and Gunner… Jarrett interviews still don’t catch my attention. I never dug this guy, I just don’t buy it.. Eh to each their own I guess. May as well be a cardboard cutout though..

Bobby Roode, Kurt Angle recap/hype video..

JJ & Gunner to the ring.. commercial.. And we’re back. Bobby Roode is bringing a chair to the ring but the ref says he’s dq’ed if he uses it… USE IT THEN! Get DQed and walk.. Nope, Double teaming only works for a minute.. Roode gets the upper hand but then gets knocked off the turnbuckle.. JJ with a baseball slide into a punch. Oh wow a doubleteam suplex. I thought this was gonna be all punch-kick. Roode back on top after enough clotheslines to make Steiner proud.. Gunner knocked outside.. Jarrett missed the stroke… So I guess that was a stroke off? Roode gets Gunner in the crossface for the submission.. Christ. Steiner and Bully are back. SJames Storm out now.. Aand here comes Kurt Angle. Bobby getting beat down and Here comes Jeff Hardy, knocking the heels out of the ring… Called ‘a shocking return’. Umm no. Oh he wants to shake Beer Money’s hands now… It’s BEER Jeff, beer is legal.. Roode shakes hands and Storm refuses the shake.. Then hugs him instead. Okie Dokie. Beer Money has a cool song too btw..

Jarrett is yelling at Hardy for being a crackhead or something.. And they apparently have a special connection that nobody knows about. But he’s giving him an ass chewing, don’t come to Philly, yada yada yada.. Jeff tells Jeff (Hardy to Jarrett that is) that he’s going to buy his ticket to Philadelphia and calls Jarrett “flounder”. Another Animal House reference..

Hulk Hogan Hobbles Hulkily to the ring.. (4H’s are better than 3, take that Hunter!) Here comes Sting. Schiovany talks about how Sting has always wanted to fight Hogan.. Now, I must say, my memory has gone to crap, but I remember this happening like 15 years ago.. Jesus there’s play by play from the announcer in the ring about the signing… Where was I? Oh yeah. Hogan vs Sting. Hey as a shoutout to anyone and everyone paying for WWE24/7, we’re about to get Hogan Sting for FREE instead of having to watch Classics on Demand! Take that Charter!! Oh wait, how much is the PPV? Damn, nevermind. Hulk says Sting ducked him and then came after him after he was in the twilight of his career.. It’s gonna be Hogan vs Sting and I quote “man on man”… Bischoff is out to distract, and Hogan blindsides Sting.

Mercifully my DVR stops here.

Thank god.

The world has stopped reading by now, I’m sure of it.

Scott Keith – I don’t know how you can sit through this in your Owen Hart shirt week after week to recap it. I might MIGHT even stop referring to the epic tale The Taking of Triple H out of some respect after attempting this and taking 2 days and 4 viewings of this show. I will state again that the only thing worth a crap on this show is the inbreeding of Fortune matches, minus that Daniels guy. Maybe just maybe some people learned a little about the patches Bully Ray wears in the process. At least that way I can feel that I helped others. As it stands, this recap was a random smattering of scatterbrained thoughts, just like their show…

Welcome to my nightmare…