The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 10.24.11

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 10.24.11

Live from Austin, TX.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler.  A small beef here, as Jerry Lawler puts over the PPV from last night by noting he’s never seen anything like the ring collapsing before.  Which is BS not only because it was only 8 years ago that it originally happened with Show and Lesnar, but it’s also heavily featured on their “OMG” DVD set as one of the most memorable moments in WWE history!

COOHHH starts us out, because it’s been two weeks since he’s done that and we’ve all probably forgotten about him by now.  He talks about losing friends to the business and how money is apparently more important than brotherhood to some people.  Kevin Nash being selfish?  Perish the thought.  Sadly, HHH has suffered a broken heart (wasn’t that why Nash wasn’t cleared in the first place?) and he’s going to take it out on Nash.  Sadly, John Laryngitis interrupts and informs us that Nash is at home watching the show.  HHH clarifies that he’s still COO and Ace still reports to him (these storylines are getting very TNA-like), so he needs to officially sign Nash.  Didn’t Ace already sign Nash during the last angle?  And Nash was all “I have an iron clad contract so I get paid even if you fire me”.  Good angry promo from HHH with a clearly defined story for once.  And of course, Nash actually is in the building, and lays out HHH on his way out of the ring.  The match is gonna suck, but that’s a great first angle to build it up.   Man, if Scott Hall wasn’t on his deathbed, they could pull out of a hell of a money tag match by convincing Shawn to come out of retirement and do D-X v. Outsiders.

Cole & Lawler do their serious voices to sell the angle after the break.  C’mon, he hit him with a sledgehammer, it’s not like he shot the guy or anything.

Meanwhile, Kevin forces the EMTs to drop Hunter’s stretcher, and he proceeds to further beat the crap out of him.  Good old school heel stuff here, even if it was all cheesy and goofy if you stop to think about it for 5 seconds.

And then we watch the whole saga again.  Literally, the entire previous segment gets repeated.

Randy Orton & Sheamus v. Cody Rhodes & Christian

Sheamus is now introduced as “The Great White”.  As nicknames go, I’ve heard better.  They now have a graphic informing us what’s trending on Twitter during the show.  Could they BE any more insecure?  Orton beats on Christian and Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two and he gets good elevation on Rhodes with a backdrop.  He hits his “longtime rival” Christian (Cole’s words) with another shoulderblock off the apron, but Cody gets a chinlock as we take a break.  Back with Sheamus getting choked out by Christian, but Sheamus escapes with a backdrop suplex as Cole continues the obnoxious “such-and-such is trending on Twitter”.  Are they fucking sponsored by Twitter or something?  They’re not so big on it when someone posts a drunken rant at 2 AM.  Hot tag Orton, who gets a neckbreaker drop on Christian for two.  Draping DDT sets up the interpretive dance, but Christian escapes the RKO and hits an elbow off the middle rope.  Back to Rhodes, who cuts off the tag and hammers away, then adds a standing dropkick.  Christian works a neck vice and goes up, but Orton counters with a dropkick and makes the hot tag to Sheamus.  Backbreaker gets two.  Cody comes back with the springboard kick, and Christian gets a spear for two.  Orton comes in during the chaos and RKOs Christian, and Sheamus finishes Rhodes with the Celtic Cross at 11:25.  Kind of messy at the end, but otherwise a solid formula tag match.  ***

Meanwhile, Johnny Ace chats with Stephanie on his cell phone, and John Cena interrupts and blows off Bowtunga and his stupid coffee cup.  For this he earns a tag match against Awesome Truth with a partner of Johnny’s choosing.  And Cena is FINALLY the one to make the first skateboard joke.  Thank god, I’ve been waiting months for someone to say something.

Did You Know that WWE had more topics trending on Twitter than the World Series OR football?  WHO THE FUCK CARES?

Santino Marella v. Dolph Ziggler

And now they go to new levels of annoying, with Cole now actually reading tweets on air and saying the word “hashtag” before the appropriate words.  Santino threatens with an early cobra, but Ziggler stomps him down and adds the standing dropkick.  It really hammers home the problems with the company when Cole talks about Santino being a 2-time IC champion and Swagger being a former World champion when they’re all a bunch of undercard comedy acts.  Santino mounts a brief comeback, but Ziggler squashes him dead with the Zig Zag at 1:46.  ½*  Heel beatdown commences, but Mason Ryan makes the save.  How in the world is skinny Heath Slater on a 30-day suspension but Mason Ryan somehow never gets tested?

Alberto Del Rio joins us to give his victory speech.  He’s DONE with John Cena and wants a new challenger.  So that brings out CM Punk, who reminds us that he beat ADR a few weeks ago, and he also never received his rematch from Summerslam.  ADR points out that Punk has lost a lot lately, including the night before, so that puts him at the back of the line.  Indeed, why would you beat Punk if you’re giving him the title match at Survivor Series?  And Johnny Ace interrupts, making Punk v. Del Rio at Survivor Series.  Punk gets the second skateboard joke, but Ace demands that Punk pledge his respect in order to get the title shot.  Punk goes on a great rant against how Ace was always terrible and yet managed to fail through the ranks anyway.  Amazingly, this scathing smart-ass rant doesn’t impress John, and he decides to think about it for a week.  Punk takes out Rodriguez anyway.  Funkhauser is such a drain on these segments, as he stands there like a mannequin no-selling everything with his anti-charisma.  Like, he’s been in the business since the early 80s, you’d think he would have learned to cut a simple promo from the Sheepherders or Shane Douglas or something.  Punk’s shoot rants were much better against Vince, because Vince at least knew when and how to react.

Natalya v. Alicia Fox

Wait, there’s other people in the women’s division?  Natalya pounds Alicia down and stretches her on the mat, but Alicia gets a fluke sunset flip for the pin at 2:15.  No one cares.  DUD

Wade Barrett v. John Morrison

I don’t see this going any better for JoMo than usual.  John throws kicks and adds a dropkick, then tackles him on the outside.  Barrett runs him into the railing and we take a break.  Really?  During THIS?  So we’re back with Barrett holding a chinlock and getting a big boot for two.  Barrett boots him to the floor, and back in for two.  And he goes to a surfboard, until Morrison makes the comeback.  Shining Wizard gets two.  Sunset flip gets two.  Barrett catches him with the Bossman slam for two, however.  He tries Wasteland, but Morrison escapes and misses Starship Pain.  Morrison tries a springboard and was supposed to land in Wasteland, but they fuck it up and Wade has to do it again to finish at 9:00.  Long and boring, and does anyone even think for a moment that Morrison is ever going to win again?  *1/2

And now, Vince McMahon’s favourite gag, as Cole puts up doctored photos of Jim Ross on the Titantron to mock him.  This leads to Cole challenging JR next week in the “Michael Cole Challenge”, which is some sort of loser-leaves-town deal.

Meanwhile, Zack Ryder celebrates his impending tag match with John Cena, but Miz & Truth attack him right after the third “Woo”.  So I’m thinking Cena needs a new partner.

The Miz & R-Truth v. John Cena

Well, it’s a handicap match.  Cena pounds on Miz in the corner, but Miz gets the DDT for two.  Truth hits the chinlock and Cena gets beat down, but makes his own comeback.  He goes for the FU on Miz, but Truth swings at him with a water bottle and draws the DQ at 4:49.  These are some epic lame finishes tonight.  The heel beatdown commences, but Johnny Ace makes ANOTHER appearance tonight, announcing that they’ll have another tag match at Survivor Series.  So this time, Cena chooses the Rock, which might have been surprising if they hadn’t been showing commercials for it all show long and already announced it two months ago.  But is it trending on Twitter?  Is there a hashtag for “WWE trending on Twitter” that they can reference next week and make people’s brains explode?  I guess we’ll find out.

Good start to the show, but as usual it kind of went off a cliff.