Breaking Holds Episode Twenty-Eight – featuring John Cena, C.M. Punk, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, and Animal

Today’s Episode: Most Sensational, Inspirational, Celebrational, Muppetational

When it comes to the fake sport of professional wrestling, I tend to be what most would call a cynic.

A glorious, ignorant mark in my early days, some information I gleaned in high school transformed me into the jaded, hate-filled “smart fan” that I am today, as I kvetch and moan along with every other two-bit IWC “celebrity” that has an Internet connection and thinks that John Cena wins too much. Of course, this also means that, like everyone else, I never miss a show, especially on Mondays, and no matter what the fed gives me, I’ll almost always think that they screwed something up, or something sucks, or that even if they’re pushing one of my favorites, that something will inevitably go wrong.

In fact, I had a dream this morning that predicted how, this coming Monday, Jim Ross is going to get beaten up by a bunch of wrestlers, and that will be the whole point of the Michael Cole Challenge. Now, I can spend more time retelling that dream, and what the repercussions would be should the dream seem prescient, but I have something else in mind today.

Today, you will not be getting cynical Ivan because, frankly, something so wonderful, so glorious, so delightful is on the horizon that I feel as warm as Winnie the Pooh after swimming in a pot full of golden honey.

We’re getting The Muppets this Monday, folks. The Muppets.

The. Muppets.

Now, my dear readers (all fourteen of you), you might not know this about me, but I have absolutely loved Kermit, Piggy, Fozzy and the gang since I was a child. I was raised on Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock, and my parents had a few episodes of the old Muppet Show on tape, and I would watch them over and over again. I must have seen Dyan Cannon sing “Hey Big Spender” to a bunch of Muppet dogs in a pet shop at least three dozen times, not to mention laughing hysterically, for the past twenty years or so, at the following exchange:

Animal (looking at drums backstage): “My drums! My drums! My drums! My drums!”
Scooter: “No, Animal, those are Dyan Cannon’s drums!”
Animal: “Cannon? My cannons! My cannons! My cannons!”

Comedy gold.

I wasn’t a fan of the guest hosts, but this…this is different, and I just can’t be anything other than totally psyched for this upcoming Monday night. Sure, CM Punk attempting to revolutionize the industry was neat and all, and the Nexus was cool, I guess.

However, neither the Nexus nor CM Punk sang “The Rainbow Connection,” and no amount of awesome in-ring action is going to change that.

So, I’m going to try to go into this week’s Raw with as much positivism as I can muster, secure in the fact that Muppets make anything better. If they’re allowed to simply do their Muppety thing, then there can only be great things in store for the Superstars on Halloween. Scott Keith has already suggested a Vicki Guerrero/Miss Piggy pairing, a sentiment with which I completely agree, but I could also go with a bit of Fozzy/Santino, Sam Eagle/Jack Swagger, and perhaps R-Truth and the entire Electric Mayhem.

And if Sheamus does NOT have an interaction with Beaker, we might as well give up hope that anything entertaining will ever happen on that show.

Therefore, this week, no anger at the establishment, no frustration with tepid storylines or mistreatment of favored stars. Instead, I’m going to sit down with some popcorn and relax on my couch. Maybe I’ll watch it with my wife, who’s also a huge fan of the Muppets and doesn’t really mind wrestling.

Because not only is it time to play the music, not ONLY is it time to light the lights…

…it is time to get things started.

Tags: , , , ,