The SmarK RAW Super Muppet Show Rant – 10.31.11

The SmarK SuperMuppetShow Rant – 10.31.11

Live from Atlanta, GA.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

And right away, The Rock gives his answer to John Cena via pre-taped video segment.  The answer, of course, is Hell No.  Team Bring It will not be teaming with the Fruit Loop Troop.  However, apparently millions of Twitter messages have convinced him that Miz & R-Truth suck enough that they need to be beaten down, so Rock will in fact be teaming with him.  Just once though.  He’s got nothing to work with here.  Rock should borrow some of Kevin Nash’s hair dye because the grey beard is kind of sad.

CM Punk v. Mark Henry

So this is non-title, and Punk has to win to get the title shot at Alberto Del Rio.  That’s retarded for a wealth of reasons, mostly because you’re using the World champion as a stepping stone to the WWE champion and Mark Henry should absolutely not be doing jobs yet unless it’s someone winning the title.  So you’re probably getting a DQ finish here, which means Punk is backing into the title shot.  Anyway, Punk has badass Halloween colored tights, which are awesome and he should just keep them.  Punk gets caught on Henry’s shoulders and powerslammed for two.  Punk fights back and gets tossed, but hangs on and comes back in with a springboard clothesline.  Punk drops the Shitty Elbow for two as ADR now joins us at ringside and runs in to attack Henry.  This would be a DQ win by Henry at 2:30.  At least there wasn’t much of a match before they did that stupid bullshit finish.  *

Miss Piggy and Kermit are out for their segment, but Vickie Guerrero and Jack Swagger quickly interrupt.  Naturally, Piggy and Vickie have friction, but Santino breaks things up (and coins “John Laryngitis” on WWE TV for the first time) and announces that he’s facing Swagger and Ziggler is facing Zack Ryder.  Kind of cute, but it needed more Piggy v. Vickie.

Divas Battle Royale:  Everyone’s in costume and Cole is nice enough to cover who everyone is.  Thankfully it’s super-accelerated, running about 2:00 of crappy action before it comes down to Eve and Kelly against Alicia and Nattie.  Natalya dumps Alicia and Kelly, but Eve dumps her through the middle rope to win a title shot at 2:39.  The Divas of Doom threaten a beatdown, but the faces stare them down.  So over this whole storyline.

Meanwhile, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker develop a secret new energy drink, but Beaker gets bullied by Christian and loses it.  This gives us the epic Sheamus/Beaker meeting, with the payoff being that they’re related.

Air Boom v. Cody Rhodes & Wade Barrett

This is non-title, like most of Air Boom’s matches as of late.  Kingston with a leg lariat for two on Rhodes and he tries a springboard move, but lands on Cody’s knee.  So Kofi is your Jamaican-in-peril and Barrett hits the Bossman slam for two.  Neck vice, but Kofi fights up, so Barrett slugs him down for two.  Rhodes goes to his own neck vice and the heels beat on Kofi in the corner to little reaction.  Kofi fights back and makes the hot tag to Evan, but Barrett blocks a rana with Wasteland, which Bourne reverses to a DDT for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Bourne goes up to finish, but Barrett hits him with Wasteland at 5:23. **  Christian heads down as well for a heel beatdown, but Sheamus makes the save.  Do we really need another Christian v. Sheamus match after Christian already did clean jobs at the last two PPVs?  I think the point’s been made.  And then we cut to Statler and Waldorf in the press boxes doing some unfunny comedy about how Statler goes “What” a lot.

Meanwhile, CM Punk confronts Johnny Ace, who immediately agrees to give him the title match after all if ADR agrees to it.

Brodus Clay is still on the way, and debuts next week.

Big Show v. Alberto Del Rio

Show pounds away in the corner and fights off Del Rio’s kicks.  Suplex gets two.  Del Rio tries jumping on his back with a sleeper, which turns into a chinlock once he gets him down.  Show throws him off after a couple of minutes of nothing and they fight to the floor.  Show misses a charge and hits the railing, and Del Rio starts working on the leg.  Back in the ring, Del Rio stomps him down for two and they literally stand there and hug for a bit.  Del Rio goes to a facelock instead as the excitement builds to a fever pitch of suck, forcing Show to suplex out of it.  They slug it out and the camera randomly pans to a bored fan in the audience for some reason.  And then Del Rio goes to a facelock AGAIN.  Just end the damn match!  And we take a break.  Great, another segment of this boring match.  And we return with Del Rio holding a leglock on the mat.  Finally Show fights up, but Del Rio hits the knee and gets a DDT for two.  Show tosses ADR out again.  Back in, Del Rio tries the enzuigiri, but Show swats him down and pins him at 13:28.  Why the hell are having your champion do clean jobs on TV?  Why are you even booking these ridiculous matches where you have to either job your champion or your top contender for the next PPV?  *1/2   So with Del Rio still knocked out, Punk comes out and puts him into the Anaconda Vice until he agrees to the title match.  Well, legal precedent clearly establishes that a contract signed under duress isn’t valid, so really ADR could get the law firm of David Bowtunga to overturn that easily.

Meanwhile, Fozzie Bear and Gonzo drag the Vickie family into another confrontation, which results in Gonzo literally having his arms stretched out and knotted around his head.  See, that’s a pretty funny visual gag that you couldn’t normally do.

Jack Swagger v. Santino Marella

Animal (the muppet, not the GM’s brother) is your guest timekeeper.  Santino goofs around, so Swagger clobbers him and pounds away on the mat with elbows.  Corner clothesline, but a blind charge hits boot and Santino fights back.  Swagger quickly cuts him off, but Santino gets the hiptoss for two.  Swagger goes to the anklelock, but Santino rolls out and gets an energy drink from Beaker at ringside.  So he spits it in Swagger’s face and rolls him up for the pin at 2:35.  Really, that’s the best they could come up with?  A finish ripped off from TNA?  Animal didn’t even get involved.  DUD

Zack Ryder v. Dolph Ziggler

Yet another non-title match tonight, so I’m guessing another champion does the job.  Nice sequence to start and Ryder rolls him up for two, but Ziggler pounds him down.  Ryder comes back with a missile dropkick to put Ziggler on the floor, and follows with a pescado, as we take a break.  Back with Dolph holding an armbar as the crowd actually chants “Let’s go Ryder, woo woo woo.”  Good for him!  Ziggler drops an elbow for two, but Zack reverses a Zig Zag attempt into a catapult, which allows Ziggler to pay homage to Mr. Perfect by bumping into the post.  Always love that spot.  Zack pounds away in the corner and gets the running boot for two.  Double knee out of the corner gets the pin at 6:54, but Ziggler had his feet on the ropes so the ref calls it off after the bell.  This allows Vickie to interfere, but Zack blocks the Zig Zag and hits the Rough Rider for the clean win at 5:45.  Well, I was wrong, I thought Ziggler would job, but he actually jobbed twice.  My bad.  This was fine, but they were pushing Mason Ryan as the challenger for the past couple of shows, and now it’s suddenly back to Ryder again even though he already blew his chance at the last PPV.   **

Last week, Kevin Nash breaks HHH’s neck, so he’s out of action about 5 weeks.  That sounds about right for HHH.

Michael Cole announces that Jim Ross is not here this week due to bowel problems, and thus will not be competing in the Michael Cole challenge.  Yay for bait and switch!

Meanwhile, Miss Piggy hits on John Morrison, but ends up with Hornswoggle instead.  And Kermit gets paper bagged by Cody Rhodes.

The Miz v. John Cena

Cena has thankfully retired the jorts and now has camo shorts instead.  It’s a step up.  Cena gets the fisherman’s suplex right away, but Miz stomps him down and gets the corner clothesline.  He goes to the chinlock, but Cena fights out and hits the backdrop suplex and five-knuckle shuffle.  Miz escapes the FU with an inverted DDT for two, however.  They fight over the STF and Miz gets a neckbreaker for two.  Miz sets up to finish, but Cena comes back with clotheslines for two.  He goes up and they fight over the superplex, which results in Miz going down first and Cena getting the guillotine legdrop for two.  Miz hits the seated DDT for two.  They fight to the floor and a “fan” distracts Cena, but luckily Cena overcomes the odds and makes Miz tap to the STF at 8:57.  Well of course he does.  **3/4  The fan runs in and gets unmasked as R-Truth, and Cena beats him up too.  Man, sign me up for Survivor Series right now!  Cena laughs off the threat of Awesome Truth, standing triumphant, and we’re out.

You’d think the combination of the Muppets and the Rock would inspire them to do something new, different and fun, and you’d be totally wrong of course.

 

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