For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 10/31/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 10/31/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, puppet-hocking column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your host Andrew Wheeler, and the gravelly path to Survivor Series is beginning to take shape. This week’s RAW didn’t exactly light the world on fire, so it’ll be interesting to see if the WWE plans on promoting one of its Big Four beyond just yelling “Come see The Rock! Come see The Rock!” every chance they get.

The RAW Judicial Review for 10/31/11

“Rest in peace.”

In case you didn’t know based on all those kids begging for candy, the WWE is kind enough to throw up all kinds of graphics to remind you that it is Halloween. And if you’re a member of the Tea Party who believes that your stuff is your own and you shouldn’t have to pay taxes to help the sick or the poor, I hope you chose to keep your children home so they could learn a lesson on how you view economics. Principles, people. Principles.

The Rock suddenly appears on screen like he was just called on a giant Skype screen. He’s now got super-veiny arms, a sunken in neck and a gray goatee that makes him look like he’s fifty. For the first time in recent memory, The Rock is on television and he doesn’t look cool. That’s not a good sign. Rocky does a pretape from the windiest place in the world, because that’s probably where his level of interest is with this stuff.

Rock does a generic, bland promo about not liking John Cena and not wanting to tag with him before saying he will tag with him at Survivor Series. Apparently The Rock hates Miz and R-Truth, though he doesn’t give a great justification. All he says is that this is what The People want, and like Superman listening to an angry mob, The Rock will arbitrarily flatten whomever he is asked to flatten. Rocky wants to win so that John Cena can see what he’s facing at Wrestlemania. He’s the trail blazing, eyebrow raising, fraternity hazing, indian corn mazing, awkwardly phrasing, confused and dazing, coming back for a check, then off to lay out on his deck People’s Champion. It’s him teaming with John Cena. For the first time. For the last time. For the longest time. Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.

CM Punk comes out for his match, and compared to The Rock, Punk looks young and fresh and hip. And this is describing a man wearing a sleeveless t-shirt. It’s strange to see The Rock feel forced and full of effort, while Punk comes out and feels completely natural.

CM Punk v. Mark Henry

I like the shot of Mark Henry’s back as he comes out to the ring. Big Show has his signature low shot to make him look twenty feet tall; the shot from behind Henry makes him look like a tank. Super Johnny Ace comes out to inform us that if Punk wins, he gets is title shot. Kudos to you, Johnny, for not messing that up.

Punk charges Henry and does everything he can to bounce off of the man and make it look convincing. It’s like Mark Henry is an inflatable bounce-house and CM Punk is a kid hopped up on sugar. Punk comes at him with punches and kicks and actually knocks Mark down with a springboard clothesline. CM Punk then goes for the Savage Elbow, which gets two. Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez come out to the ring as Punk is flung through the ropes. Del Rio forces Ricardo to run into the ring and attack Mark Henry, thus disqualifying Punk. Hey, psychology from a heel! What a novel concept!

After the match, Punk beats on Ricardo and then feeds him (figuratively) to Mark Henry. So at this rate, Del Rio is like The Grinch and Ricardo is that sad little dog. Either way, Henry squashes him like a bug. Call me crazy, but if Del Rio was going to interfere, why not have it lead to Henry getting a pinfall victory? Oh well, it’s not like they’re going to make every champ look weak.

Commercial.

We’re back with Kermit and Miss Piggy. They’re excitement is a lot more believable than a lot of the guest stars who were on. They talk about how great it is to be there, which brings out Vickie Guerrero and Sam the Eagle. Wait, no, that’s Kurt SwAngle. Vickie doesn’t like sharing the spotlight with someone ugly and green, which probably explains why she won’t work with Mason Ryan. Kermit makes a joke about not wanting trouble with SwAngle or his mother, which is a great line. Santino comes out to book himself against SwAngle later tonight. Sure, why not? Whenever they have wacky guest hosts, the show almost feels like an out-of-continuity episode. Kelly Kelly comes out dressed like what is supposed to be a buccaneer but instead looks like Captain Eo in a hat. Marella leans in for a kiss but she opts to make out with Kermit…in front of Miss Piggy. Somewhere Randy Orton is smiling as he shits in someone’s bag.

Commercial.

Diva Halloween Costume Battle Royal

The costumes this year are okay. The Bella Twins are dressed like the Super Mario Brothers, and I know somewhere up there Captain Lou is smiling. AJ is dressed like Kitana from Mortal Combat, complete with fans. Eve Eve is Robin, because we need another reminder that she’s Kelly’s sidekick. This train wreck is accompanied by Beth Phoenix on commentary. Super. The girls all go flying out of the ring quickly (thankfully no self-eliminations this time) until its Natalya, Eve, Kelly and Alicia Fox. Kelly gets dumped to the apron and then just stands there waiting to get eliminated because that’s what it said in the script. Fox is tossed and then Nat kicks Kelly to the curb, only for Eve to eliminate her. Eve Torres is your #1 Contender. After the match there’s a pointless staredown, which sadly doesn’t end with everyone in a circle snapping in a menacing fashion.

Bunson Honeydew and Beaker are backstage creating a Wellness Policy Violation-free drink to give to Santino. Beaker walks into the hallway but is stopped by Christian, who calls him a dork and pours out his liquid. This brings in Sheamus, completing the inevitable crossover. Sheamus chases Christian away and then points out that he and Beaker are related. It was wacky, broad comedy…but it worked.

Commercial.

Nerf Air Boom v. Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett

So it’s the tag champions versus two members of Team Lawsuit. Cole spends a lot of time talking about Wade’s trunks and how they were modeled after the Polish Uprising of 1944 and parallel Wade Barrett’s personal uprising (make your own dick joke here). They have a nice back and forth match, as all four men are really very capable in the ring. In the end, Cody distracts Bourne long enough for Wade to hit Baba O’Reilly for the pin.

After the match, Christian runs in so that they can stomp on the tag champions. This brings out Sheamus for the feel-good save. I may be stupid, but wouldn’t it have made more sense to just do the run in and save jobbing out your tag champions? Oh well, it’s not like they’re going to make every champ look weak.

Statler and Waldorf are in the balcony doing the “What” gimmick. I don’t care how much I hate “What”, I love those two too much to get mad.

CM Punk shows in Super Ace’s office, interrupting is texting. So the RAW GM is a 13-year-old girl? IDK, my BFF Jill. Punk talks about how he got screwed out of his title shot, so Ace says he can have one if Del Rio agrees. CM Punk mocks him for the skateboarding and ass kissing so he can get those holes punched on his “Faux Badass Punch Card”.

Commercial.

Brodus Clay is under your bed. You must have one giant bed.

Alberto Del Rio v. The Big Show

Del Rio without Ricardo’s entrance is a sad, sad thing. This match…this…match…oy. Slow and plodding would be a polite way to describe it. This was like watching an animal caught in caramel slowly struggle for freedom. Del Rio uses tons of rest holds on an already slow Big Show, which isn’t doing this crowd any favors.

Commercial.

This is the kind of match that warranted two segments. Not because it was good, but because they were moving so slow that they couldn’t fit everything into one segment. I hoped in vein that the ring would again collapse. These two together is quite possibly the worst combination possible. Big Show as a babyface can really only garner sympathy in short matches against other big men. Here, it was straining credibility to believe that Del Rio’s Liberace-esque stomps were hurting him. In the end, Big Show knocks Del Rio out with a punch. Oh well, it’s not like they’re going to make every champ look weak.

After the match, CM Punk comes out because, due to him being Money in the Bank winner so many times, is conditioned to head to the ring whenever the champion is knocked out. Punk splashes water on Del Rio’s face and tells him that he’s going to make Alberto beg for the match. He then locks in the Anaconda Vice, and like a member of a United States National Security interrogation team, he gets the answer he wants through “stress positions”.

Fozzie and Gonzo are in the back talking about how the wrestlers are huge and how Gonzo could be champ if he puts his mind to it. Vickie, Dolph and SwAngle attack Gonzo, stretching his arms and then tying him with them. Kinky. She warns them to stay outta Riverdale.

Commercial.

People are dressed in costumes, which transitions into a clip from “The Muppets.” They’re not quite a mop, not quite a puppet…but man…so to answer your question I have no idea.

Animal is the special time keeper. Really? That was the best way to book Animal? For shame.

Kurt SwAngle w/ Vickie v. Santino Marella

Santino gets his ass kicked for most of this match, as we’re suddenly transported to a squash match from Wrestling Challenge. Then, Beaker pops up from under the ring and gives Santino the magic elixir. Don’t watch, Heath Slater. Marella Tajiri’s it into SwAngle’s face and rolls him up for the meaningless pin. Eh, it made the kids happy.

Dolph Ziggler v. Zack Ryder

Okay, I’ll admit that Zack Ryder is a capable hand, but Dolph Ziggler has consistently proven that he can get a great match out of just about anyone. These two have great chemistry, and it shows.

Commercial.

We’re back and the fact that Zack Ryder is in a two-segment match gives me a glimmer of hope. Ziggler gets caught with high knees and it’s a Dusty Finish. Zack chases Dolph, Vickie distracts and Ziggler takes advantage. He goes for the ZigZag, but Zack holds the ropes. He then hits the Ruff Ryder and actually gets the pin! Oh well, it’s not like they’re going to make every champ look weak.

Commercial.

I’m shocked they went this long without showing footage of Triple H and Kevin Nash. A long time ago, they used to be friends. Now, they’re good friends…better enemies. Oh, and despite being nearly paralyzed by a sledgehammer, Hunter will be back in five weeks. Until then, expect five weeks of video recaps. Also, Nash has been signed to a deal, because that’s the way of the world.

Cole says that Jim Ross isn’t in Atlanta, which is a bold faced lie. He then makes jokes about JR’s illness and bowel control. You know, they didn’t have my money for Survivor Series until Michael Cole pulled out that diaper. Now they’ve got my hard earned money.

Miss Piggy hits on John Slo-Mo-Rrison, and she’s already a step up from Melina. That fuckin’ midget pops up to profess his love for her, so she hits him in the balls. Kermit pops up to point out how absurd this is, only for Cody Rhodes to put a bag on his head. Wacka wacka.

Statler and Waldorf talk about how Cena is next. “You can’t see me.” “I can’t see anything.” “It’s a Miz match, consider yourself lucky.” Please hire them to be there every week.

Commercial.

The Miz v. John Cena

This is a Wrestlemania rematch from one of the most convoluted main events in WWE history. The two of them have a fine placeholder match. On the outside, someone in a Scream costume attacks Cena. Once in the ring, Miz goes for an SCF but Cena reverses it into an STFU and Miz taps. Scream guy runs in and gets FUed. It’s then revealed with no drama that it’s Resurrection-Truth.

So let me get this straight; The Miz and R-Truth are booked like dangerous guys who ruined title matches, beat Punk and Hunter AND beat the tag champs, but got bested in a two-on-one handicap situation by John Cena mere weeks before they face Cena and The Rock?! Where’s the threat supposed to be? There is absolutely no reason for Cena to even need The Rock. He can do it all on his own. This was the stupid booking cherry on top of the haphazardly written ice cream that was this show. Someone up in Connecticut needs to get that moisture off their head and start putting together a better show.

On the other hand…Muppets.

This has been for your consideration.

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