Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report: 11.04.11 (Street Fight; Mark Henry vs Daniel Bryan)

I warned you all, didn’t I? I said I’d be around twice a week…and here I am! I’m officially taking over for Kelly Floyd (as far as Smackdown recaps are concerned) and since I find the Blue Show to be far more enjoyable than Raw, this should make for some interesting write-ups. Let’s get started!

Street Fight: Randy Orton vs Cody Rhodes

The show opens with Tony Chimel introducing the combatants. No recap from previous weeks, no opening banter from the announce team. I don’t recall this being announced on Raw, but I could be wrong. There’s some crazy female fan screaming for Orton as he poses on the turnbuckle. Cody Rhodes has his baggers again. If Cole says that Rhodes has bagged Orton again, I hope they used protection. The street fight starts with a lock-up, as all street fights do. Multiple reversals off the ropes lead to a headlock to Rhodes. Orton maintains control as Cody rolls out of the ring. Orton scares off a bagger which allows Cody to toss him into the steps. Orton, not the bagger.

Cody is in control on the outside and sends Randy in the ring for a pin attempt. Orton slithers out of the ring and pulls Cody out by his feet to dish out some steel step-based punishment himself. Orton sends Rhodes into the crowd and European uppercuts him down the aisle. If that sounds weird….well, that’s because it is. Orton sends Cody back over the guard rail and the Intercontinental Champion tries to counter by sacrificing his baggers to no avail. We head to commercial as the Viper RKOs a bagger in the ring.

I like the Geico robot nanny commercial. That is all.

Aaaaaand we’re back as Orton and Rhodes are brawling up the entrance ramp. Cody tries to suplex Orton off the stage but it gets reversed (obviously). Remember when I said Cole would probably make a “bagging” reference? I was wrong. It was Booker T who recapped the pre-commercial RKO by saying Orton bagged him.

I guess when Orton bags you, you wind up with an odor that’s reminiscent of fecal matter.

Where was I? Back to the ring and Cody takes a superplex off the top rope. Rhodes hits a nice drop kick and covers but only gets a two-count. They fight back outside and Cody gets thrown into the timekeeper. AND THERE’S THE MASK SHOT FROM CODY! Orton’s down and we’re back to commercials.

Wait….why am I watching commercials? I DVR’d this sumbitch.

Back to the action as Rhodes tosses Randy over the announce table (GASP! SHOCK! AWE!) and hits a front suplex in the ring. The Viper tries for a comeback that’s short-lived as Cody counters a power slam into a pin attempt. The announcers are fellating Cody’s resolve and passion, which means he’s going to lose. Cody goes to work on the leg and has Orton locked in the Figure Four! Cody takes off the mask and clobbers Randy with it while he has his foe locked in the submission! Orton manages to take the mask and gets some sweet payback by blasting Rhodes in the face with the prop. Randy hits his signature stiff clotheslines and calls for the RKO but it’s reversed into a Beautiful Disaster for the near-fall! Cross Rhodes reversed into a back body drop and the IC Champ rolls out of the ring. They trade punches but Randy takes control, props Cody up on the guard rail, and hits his middle rope DDT from that modified state! RKO in the middle of the ring and Orton is victorious. Post-match, Randy finally does what’s been coming for months: he puts a paper bag on Cody’s head!

Then he shits through the eye and mouth holes. True story.

I gotta say, Randy and Cody pulled off one hell of a match. Say what you want about Rhodes and his ability, but he was made to look like a million bucks tonight. That’s how you build up a mid-carder. The protective mask was cracked, so perhaps this means the end of that gimmick.

We then get a recap of Triple H’s beating at the hands of Kevin Nash two weeks ago. Before commercial break, we get hyped up for a Sheamus/Christian rematch.

Starting this Saturday, I’ll be teaching play writing to my 8th graders. Maybe I’ll have them practice by writing scripts for the WWE Superstars and I can call the class “WWE Creative 101.” I’m sure they can come up with better crap than we’ve been force-fed these days.

Matt Striker welcomes us back to say he’ll have comments from Mark Henry after the next match. Uh, thanks for the warning?

Ted DiBiase vs Tyson Kidd
Teddy actually gets an entrance and he’s your typical, smiling babyface. The announcers talk about DiBiase’s tailgate parties. Huzzah. The announcers spend more time arguing about Twitter than they do on the match. Lots of counters and reversals from both until DiBiase applies Dream Street. Tyson tries to escape but can’t and does the J.O.B. after about 60 seconds of a match.

Striker asks Mark Henry why he refuses to give Big Show a rematch. Henry gets distracted when he sees Daniel Bryan and taunts him, scheduling a match between the two tonight. I’m looking forward to that. Hopefully this is the night they make DB look like a competitor.

Alicia Fox heads to the ring and apparently her new generic theme song is “Pa-pa-pa-pa-party.” No, I don’t have a stuttering problem. That’s seriously the title of the song. Oh yeah, commercials.

So, apparently I have a problem. You see, my last two girlfriends were older Hispanic coworkers with marital issues (one estranged, the other divorced). I am now flirting with ANOTHER ONE; you know, with the exact same criteria. I guess I enjoy self-inflicted torture.

Alicia Fox vs Natalya
Cole sings Alicia’s praises by telling the whole world that she beat Booker T in golf. Ladies and gentlemen, clearly the WWE cares about their Divas and their wrestling ability. Natalya yells at Alicia that she shouldn’t have stuck her nose where it didn’t belong and Alicia counters by telling Nattie her nose is bigger than Alicia’s! That was seriously the highlight. Alicia wins and the announcers call it an upset; however, with the way Natalya and Beth have been booked lately, if either of them win a match I’d consider it an upset.

For this commercial break, I will eat two Pop-Tarts. At 11:45 PM.

Big Show heads to the ring and compares himself to the Frankenstein monster. Self-deprecating humor is always appreciated. Big Show says he’s going to knock out Mark every Smackdown until he gets his rematch. This brings out Jay “One More Match” Reso who calls Show unworthy of a rematch. Christian says he wants a rematch not because he’s annoying, but because the fans want him to get another match. Big Show feigns a knock out punch and Christian calls him out on it. Show says he was just scratching his chin and he would never knock Christian out…so he choke slams him instead.

Make that four Pop-Tarts.

Christian is cowering by the announcers as we await the entrance of Sheamus. Scott Armstrong checks on Christian and says he can’t compete. This brings out Wade Barrett for the ol’ bait-and-switch. This should be good, although I fully expect Christian to help Barrett win and further cement a team for Survivor Series.

Wade Barrett vs Sheamus
The Great White has the early advantage and hits his ring rope bludgeons and knee combo early on. Barrett drops Sheamus by tripping him into the ropes. Barrett hits knees to the head in the ropes and Barrett sends Sheamus to the outside as we go to commercial.

Four Pop-Tarts was a bad idea.

Sheamus is in trouble as we come back from commercial. Every time he tries to fight back, Wade counters. Josh Mathews asks the other announcers who will be World Champion first: Barrett or Sheamus. I’m sure he meant the World Heavyweight Championship, but it sounded ridiculous since Sheamus has already tasted main event gold twice. Mathews calls Sheamus “so big and so thick” and the six-year-old in me giggled like a school girl. Sheamus has been playing the face in peril since we’ve come back from commercial but now he’s gaining momentum as the crowd gets behind him. He attempts a Celtic Cross but Christian distracts Sheamus long enough for Barrett to win with a roll-up. Spear from Christian afterward and Sheamus is down. Why did Barrett win with a roll-up? Because the company is protecting Sheamus by making his loss a fluke. That’s what you do when you’re invested in pushing a guy as a top star.

Batman: Arkham City is an amazing game. I’ve nearly gotten all of the Riddler’s Trophies; it’s so satisfying knowing I’m close to nabbing that bastard.

Sheamus and Barrett are brawling in the parking lot when we come back. We get the obligatory Raw Rebound with the Muppets. It was awesome, BTW. In the locker room, Daniel Bryan and Big Show talk about their matching beards and Show says he’ll be in DB’s corner.

I got nothing for this commercial break.

Sin Cara vs Epico
I’m assuming Epico is Primo’s cousin Tito. Do I really have to recap this? Some lucha style stuff goes down as Epico hits three German suplexes. He stretches Sin Cara out on his back but Mistico fights back. Hunico interferes and tosses Sin Cara off the top rope. He and Epico double team Sin Cara with a leap frog power bomb that’s nearly botched. What is it about a Sin Cara match that brings out the botches?

It’s 12:30 AM. Do you know where I am? Sitting in my underwear typing this. Bet you wish I never dropped that nugget, eh?

Mark Henry vs Daniel Bryan
I love Henry’s entrance when the camera shows his back like it’s a freaking eclipse. I just realized that if Big Show threatens Henry and gets his rematch, that’ll be twice in one week that the face number one contenders bullied the heel champions into a title shot. B.A. STAR! DB goes for a sleeper hold but Henry just tosses him effortlessly to the mat. DB hits a series of kicks but gets planted into the corner. Henry wallops him on the outside and SQUISHES his head into the post. Ouch. Bryan gets tossed back in but battles back with a low drop kick that drops Henry to his knees! DB knocks the holy hell out of him as the crowd goes nuts! DB locks in another sleeper hold and Henry fades…but fights back by tossing Bryan away. Henry looks pissed as he destroys Bryan in the corner. Mark splashes DB in the corner three times and Big Show has had enough as he gets in the ring and levels Henry with the WMD! Mark Henry wins by DQ.

BUT WAIT! Show is trying to get Daniel Bryan to cash in on Henry! He’s got the briefcase and…runs into a World’s Strongest Slam! Luckily the match never officially started. Henry then takes out Big Show the same way. Teddy Long makes his first appearance of the night and announces Henry vs Big Show at Survivor Series.

Not a bad show. We had a great opener with Orton and Rhodes, a decent brawl between Barrett and Sheamus, and a couple of hot spots in the main event. I’ll see you folks next week. If you haven’t read The Stomping Ground this week, check it out here.

So long, and thanks for all the…Pop-Tarts?

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