The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 11.14.11

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The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 11.14.11

I have very little patience for this 3 hour show bullshit, because two hours is too long as it is, so I might be crankier than usual.

Live from Boston, MA.

Your host is Jerry Lawler, with the second person to be determined.

Michael Cole joins us to finally pay off this “Michael Cole Challenge” nonsense with Jim Ross.  It’s three events, and if JR wins all three, then Cole quits.  I’m sure.  So JR wins an arm-wrestling match after endless stalling from Cole, then beats him in a dance contest, but sadly JR can’t triumph in a “who weighs the least” contest.  This miscarriage of justice, which JR looks like he couldn’t less about, is interrupted by CM Punk.  He calls the whole thing a colossal waste of time (I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments) and notes that between Cole, Johnny Ace and ADR the show is becoming unbearable.  He makes promises like a politician about making the show more fun again once he’s WWE champion, but Ace comes out and makes Punk & Big Show v. ADR & Mark Henry for tonight.  Punk just said he wanted  competition, how is that punishing him?  Especially when he’s got Big Show as a partner?  Punk beats up Cole and puts him in the Anaconda Vice for no particular reason afterwards.   So after all that buildup, JR is still fired and I guess we’re supposed to be happy that Cole got beat up.  JR takes over on commentary anyway, because that’s how they roll.

Meanwhile, a limo brings us the return of Mick Foley.

Cody Rhodes & Hunico v. Sin Cara & Kofi Kingston

Holy cow, we get a CUT IN PROMO from Cody Rhodes!  Hunico, who is now dressing like Homicide, gets literally zero reaction coming out.  Sin Cara tosses him around the ring and Kofi monkey-flips him out of the ring and we get stereo dives from the babyfaces.  We take a break and return with Hunico holding a chinlock on Sin Cara, as the heels get the heat on Cara.  Another chinlock allows me to think up the perfect name for the heel team:  Unmasked.  I expect that one will start trending on Twitter any minute now.  Hot tag to Kofi and he wakes up the crowd with a springboard crossbody on Cody for two, but the Crossroads finishes at 6:19.  **  Match was OK and I approve of pushing Cody Rhodes.

Meanwhile, Zack Ryder has a retarded argument with Santino in a veiled commercial for WWE ’12.  They REALLY need to keep Ryder away from Santino.

Dolph Ziggler comes out and announces that he’s replacing Christian at Survivor Series, thus officially giving him a match.  Uh, they already announced his US title defense against Zack Ryder, didn’t they?

Dolph Ziggler v. Mason Ryan

Lucky us, Michael Cole returns to do commentary again.  Ryan boots Ziggler down and gives him a sloppy gorilla press, and Vickie slaps him to draw the DQ at 1:01.  Who booked this shit?  John Morrison runs out and throws Ziggler back in afterwards, allowing Ryan to give him a terrifying full nelson slam and drop him on the back of his head.  Ryan is scary bad.

Mick Foley joins us to try to save this PPV and put over John Cena.  Cena comes out and gets booed out of the building no matter how much Foley sucks up to him.  And then we get “This Is Your Life, John Cena” and Cena is like “I…don’t think this is a good idea.”  So we get the sappy video, and Mick brings out Cena’s little league coach as this thing dies fast.  Even Cena is saying so.  Next out, BULL BUCHANAN.  Where the hell did they dig HIM up?  And does anyone even remember the two or three months where Bull was Cena’s bodyguard?  So Bull relates how shitty his life has become since getting fired in 2003 and blames Cena for ruining his life.  Finally, John Cena Sr. comes out to insult the fans for booing his son, and that doesn’t go well either.  Cena again buries the segment, so Rock finally comes out and puts an end to it by taking out Foley with a Rock Bottom.  I want my 20 minutes back.

Sheamus v. Jack Swagger

I’ll be disappointed if one of these Survivor Series preview matches don’t end with a giant 10 man brawl.  Sheamus overpowers Swagger and pounds him with knees, then clotheslines him to the floor.  And we take a  break.  Back with Swagger clipping the knee and taking over with a shoulder tackle for two.  Belly to belly gets two.   Swagger works the back, but Sheamus comes back with a clothesline and pounds him in the corner, and into a powerslam for two.  Swagger escapes with Celtic Cross with a CLUBBING FOREARM and hits a pump splash into the anklelock, but Sheamus easily kicks out of it.  Sheamus with the backbreaker and big kick for the pin at 7:36.  This was an impressive win for Sheamus, but they really need to pull the trigger on him and find something for him to do.

Meanwhile, the Bella Twins hit on Alberto Del Rio, but Zack Ryder annoys them all away.  I really hope they don’t flush away the rub that Cena gave him last week, but it’s probably already happening.

Kelly Kelly v. Natalya

Natalya stomps away in the corner, but suffers a stinkface as a result.  Natalya takes her down for a Sharpshooter, but Kelly rolls her up for the pin at 0:43.  DUD  This was somehow supposed to make us want to see Eve v. Phoenix at the PPV, in the feud where the heels lose all the matches and are outnumbered by the babyfaces 3-on-2.

Meanwhile, Alberto Del Rio gets a talking-to from Johnny Ace, who is now playing babyface for some reason.  I don’t even get what they’re going for anymore.  Oh, and Brodus Clay’s debut has been pushed back to next week.  Again.  Well, I mean, the show’s only three hours long, how they could possibly squeeze it in?

Awesome Truth gets “interviewed” by Matt Striker, but refuse to say anything.   Alberto Del Rio attacks CM Punk as well.

Big Show & CM Punk v. Alberto Del Rio & Mark Henry

Show pounds on Del Rio in the corner, and Punk comes in to stomp a mudhole on him as well.  Snap suplex gets two.  And it’s over to Show and Henry for an epic lockup battle.  Henry takes out the leg and Del Rio comes in and stomps Show down, but Show threatens to unleash the WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION and the heels back off as we take a break.  Back with Punk now getting beat down, and Del Rio gets a backbreaker for two.  I zone out on this boring match and Punk gets pinned by ADR at 12:00 after a World’s Strongest Slam while Show is busy with Mark Henry.  And then ADR puts him in the armbar.  **  This is really a lose-lose booking proposition, because if Punk loses then he’s the doofus who got his ass kicked and then blew his title shot, and if he wins then he’s the doofus who lost every match for the past three months and then backed into the WWE title.  Either way I’m so tired of endless combinations of Cena/Punk/ADR with the title and I wish they’d just pick a long-term champion and go somewhere else with it, like ADR v. Sheamus or something.

THIS SHOW IS BORING AND SUCKS AND I WANT TO GO TO BED ALREADY.  Jesus.

Santino Marella joins us just to really fill the bloat, I guess.  Santino vows to be champion next time they’re in Boston, but Kevin Nash interrupts and powerbombs him.

Wade Barrett v. Randy Orton

The teams are both out there, so we should get the big stupid brawl here after a DQ finish.  It’s tradition!  Remember last year when these two main evented Survivor Series and there were giant stakes and John Cena got fired and such?  And now they’re out there wasting time for 3 minutes before Rock’s main event interview.  So yeah, Barrett chinlocks him for a while and Orton escapes with a backdrop suplex and makes his comeback and yada yada but here’s Cody Rhodes for the DQ  at 3:40 and the big brawl.  *

The Rock finally comes out to liven up the show, and he relates his morning routine and cuts a promo that makes everyone else on the roster look like a bunch of amateurs, saying nothing and holding the crowd in rapt attention.  Sadly, he too engages in the ridiculous “Stuff that is trending on Twitter” nonsense.   Miz & Truth interrupt and point out that Rock is getting beat on Sunday.  Really, who cares if he does?  There’s no stakes to the match and Rock is only doing the one match before Wrestlemania anyway.   Probably it’ll just be Rock turning on Cena and Miz getting a cheap win, so why should anyone care about the match?  Cena comes out and the babyfaces try to get stupid stuff over on Twitter, and Miz is all offended because he’s an afterthought.  Yeah, well, it’s true.  And of course Rock lays out both heels by himself just so we have extra incentive to buy the PPV on Sunday.

Hopefully this thrilling three hours won’t bring down Twitter with all the buzz and excitement that it’s generating.