Welcome back, you selfish bastards, to the Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report! I’m sending this your way on a Saturday afternoon just hours before I go and drink myself into oblivion for my birthday celebration (I’ll be 29, thank you) and a mere day before I head to Madison Square Garden for Survivor Series. Let’s get started, shall we?
Smackdown begins with Mark Henry beating the holy hell out of Daniel Bryan backstage, and I’m hoping beyond hope that this consistent burial of Bryan leads to his eventual victory over Henry somewhere down the line. The one-sided fight heads to ringside as Henry brings DB to the ring to continue the assault. World’s Strongest Slam again and again…and again. Henry struggles to talk over the jeers of the crowd, promising that Big Show will get carried out of MSG. Cole tries to explain that the beating DB received was supposed to intimidate Big Show, but how a 140-lb man represents a 400-lb giant I’ll never know.
Sin Cara heads to the ring as we get a head’s up for tonight’s main event: Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes vs Randy Orton and Sheamus. We cut to commercial as Josh Mathews tells us to expect Dolph Ziggler’s entrance next.
So I tried the McRib for the first time today. It was all right, I guess. The real draw seems to be the tangy BBQ sauce, but the sandwich itself was just tame.
Sin Cara vs Dolph Ziggler
Kudos to Dolph Ziggler for pulling another double-header this Sunday on PPV. Vickie Guerrero introduces the audience to him and I wonder how much shit Eddie was on when he met her in order to put up with her. Ziggler slaps Sin Cara and teases using the ropes for security. He drops Sin Cara to the mat and applies an armlock. Dolph continues the punishment with a headlock and elbow to the neck. Sin Cara fights back with a handstand springboard elbow which sends Dolph to the outside. Suicide dive takes Ziggler out! Ziggler gets back into the ring and as Sin Cara follows, he gets knocked back outside. Ziggler gets Sin Cara back into the ring and it is all Ziggler so far. Sin Cara hits a flurry of kicks that gets Dolph off balance. A sequence of rolling pin attempts ends with Ziggler pulling on the tights for the victory. Post-match, Sin Cara beats the hell out of Dolph until Jack Swagger makes the save in a bizarre reversal of what usually happens after a match. Mason Ryan runs out and the most exciting thing about him is the intensity of his music. The heels bail as we head to commercial.
So I finally had some closure with my ex this week. We’re back to being good friends, so yay for me.
Mason Ryan vs Jack Swagger
I didn’t even know this was supposed to be a match, but apparently Teddy Long made it official during the “commercial break.” Good. Let Ryan hurt Swagger instead of Dolph. Mason Ryan overpowers Swagger but a powerslam attempt is reversed as Swagger rams Ryan into the corner. Chop block to the back of the knee puts Swagger in full control. Jack hits multiple clotheslines in the corner as the crowd chants “Swagger sucks,” which leads me to believe they hate Swagger more than they like Ryan. Cole calls Mason Ryan a “loose cannon,” but I think he really meant “danger to everyone in the ring.” Ryan regains the advantage with a suplex, big boot, and slam before attempting his full nelson slam. Swagger counters and tries for a gut wrench power bomb but can’t lift Ryan. Mason Ryan hits his signature move on the second attempt and this one’s in the books.
We’re backstage with Alicia Fox hitting on Justin Gabriel. Zack Ryder shows up to get them to sign his petition but Big Show takes Zack’s phone so he can sign himself. Gabriel and Ryder inform Show that Mark Henry destroyed his little buddy earlier in the night and Show goes off in search of the World Heavyweight Champion.
This week the number of students for my Saturday morning class doubled….to 2.
Ted DiBiase faces Hornswoggle in WWE ’12 backstage as Teddy Long congratulates Dibiase’s “impressive” wins over the last two weeks. Cue the sexy music and out comes Aksana, which prompts DiBiase and Horny to leave. Speaking of horny, Aksana says she wants to become an expert at handling a joystick. I’m not making that up.
Christian comes out overselling his injury with a crutch and neck brace. He claims he could have run away from Sheamus last week after Big Show’s choke slam but he’s a man and stayed to fight. He shows us a pic of his ankle injury and it looks nasty. Christian says he will continue to support Team Barrett this Sunday in a managerial role because he is inspirational. He calls out the crowd for disrespecting him while he’s recuperating. He blames Teddy Long for his problems and swears that there will be severe consequences.
AJ Lee is backstage with Daniel Bryan when Big Show appears to claim responsibility. He says he’ll find Henry and make him pay.
I’m hearing good things about WWE ’12. Can’t wait for Tuesday. Hell, I can’t wait for Sunday when I pick up the new Zelda.
Ted DiBiase vs Derrick Bateman
Yeah, that wasn’t a typo. Derrick freakin’ Bateman. Maxine is with him and apparently they’re a couple. You know where this is going. Maxine distracts the official in order to make it look like DiBiase won’t just squash Bateman, but nothing could be further from the truth. The only positive about this match is Maxine’s insanely low-cut dress. DiBiase with Dream Street ends it.
Did You Know? Maxine won “Worst Worked Match of the Year” in 2010 from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter for her match with Kaitlyn on NXT last October.
Big Show asks Tyson Kidd and Jinder Mahal if they’ve seen Mark Henry. Kidd says Henry is long gone and Mahal says something in his native tongue, so he gets punched in the face. Cole says Big Show assaulted someone backstage for no reason…when Henry did the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING. Sometimes Cole’s heel observations are absurd. Big Show heads to the ring and says he’s gonna hurt Mark Henry tonight…if he were still around. Show says he keeps the footage of Henry destroying his ankle around as a reminder of why he’s going after the title. Show shadow boxes the camera and I’m sure the camera man is pissing his pants right now.
The absence of evidence is the evidence of absence.
Kofi Kingston vs Hunico
Cole actually says both men like to fly high, and I’m not sure if he realized just how stereotypical that statement actually was. Lock-up sequence turns a series of arm drags by Kofi into a pin attempt. Hunico takes command as he hits a front suplex followed by an STF-type maneuver. Low drop kick grounds Kofi as Hunico chokes Kofi on the ropes. Hunico keeps Kingston grounded with an impressive Samoan drop. Kofi regains his footing and nails Hunico with the Boom Drop. Trouble in Paradise is reversed but Kingston recovers with a top rope cross body. Kofi lands that weird flippy move and wins that way.
My friend saw Ezekiel Jackson in his gym on Friday. I told him to tease Jackson and tell him that Lex Luger does a better version of the Torture Rack. I haven’t heard from my friend since.
Beth Phoenix and Natalya vs AJ Lee and Kaitlyn
One of the highlights of recapping Smackdown is seeing AJ. One of the lowlights is seeing AJ get creamed by the Divas of Doom in a futile attempt at getting the heels some heat back. The announcers call AJ spunky, and I’ve often used the word “spunk” and AJ in the same sentence, though I don’t think it’s in the same context as the commentary. Sharpshooter to AJ ends it.
Looks like they’re teasing a break-up between Kaitlyn and AJ. For what purpose, might I ask?
Recap of the 15-minute Rock promo from last Monday night.
I planned on saying something here, but I completely forgot what it was.
Randy Orton and Sheamus vs Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes
We start with Rhodes and Sheamus as the Great White traps Cody in the corner. Rhodes hits a cheap shot but gets tossed into his own corner. Barrett takes the tag and attacks Sheamus, but Beaker’s cousin tosses Wade off the ropes and lands an elbow that drops Barrett to the mat. Sheamus hits his clubbing blows in the ropes and covers Wade for a pin attempt. Barrett fights back and drops Sheamus before trapping Sheamus in a headlock. Sheamus rams Barrett’s back into the corner to break the hold and tags in Orton, who destroys Barrett with a DDT. He calls for the RKO but Rhodes leaps off the top rope for a distraction as Barrett recovers.
Still can’t recall what I was gonna say.
We’re back and it looks like Christian’s out at ringside to show support for his team. Rhodes has Orton hurting as Barrett gets tagged in to continue the assault. Randy teases regaining the advantage but Wade hits a knee to the midsection as Orton runs off the ropes. Another quick tag sees Rhodes back in the ring. Barrett knocks Sheamus off the ring apron and the heels double team the Viper. Orton plays face in peril until Sheamus gets the hot tag. He erupts on Cody (just like I’d erupt on AJ…ahem) and the crowd goes nuts. A Brogue Kick attempt is intercepted by Christian, who nails Sheamus with the crutch to draw the DQ. The heels work over Orton and Sheamus as Christian hands them the crutch, but it backfires as Sheamus hits his Brogue Kick on Rhodes. Orton nails the RKO on Barrett and the Celtic Cross drops Rhodes as the faces stand tall to end the show.
Again, Smackdown restores my faith that the WWE can put on an entertaining show. Not all the matches were great, but there was more wrestling in the last two hours than we ever saw on Raw this past Monday. What a shame.
Check out my latest Stomping Ground and I’ll see you all on Monday for a special review of Survivor Series.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, aksana, alicia fox, Beth Phoenix, big show, christian, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, derrick bateman, Dolph Ziggler, Friday Night Smackdown, Hornswoggle, hunico, jack swagger, Jinder Mahal, Justin Gabriel, Kaitlyn, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, mason ryan, maxine, Mike Gojira, monday night raw, Natalya, NXT, randy orton, sheamus, sin cara, survivor series, ted dibiase, Teddy Long, The Rock, Tyson Kidd, Vickie Guerrero, Wade Barrett, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE, zack ryder