We’re back once again with another edition of the Not-So-Live Smackdown Report! It’s my birthday weekend, so I’ll probably be a little more chipper than usual.
The show kicks off with a video for the World Heavyweight Championship match between Big Show and Mark Henry from last Sunday. After that, Henry himself heads to the ring. Henry asks the crowd if they’re happy about what Big Show did to his leg. He says, “What kind of person would do this to another man?” and one fan shouts out “YOU!” Henry says he kicked Show in the knee, not his “private spot” (he said that, not me) but Show pretended as such to get out of the match. Henry says he’s a fighting champion but he’s not medically cleared to wrestle tonight. Big Show interrupts as Michael Cole whines and complains. Ugh. Someone needs to put Cole out of his misery. Big Show basically calls Henry’s bluff, but Mark calls him the World’s Largest Loser and says he’ll never get another title shot. Show responds by punching Henry in his mush.
HERE COMES DANIEL BRYAN! HENRY IS OUT AND DANIEL BRYAN IS CASHING IN! HE ROLLS OVER AN UNCONSCIOUS MARK HENRY AND IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!
Teddy Long comes out to remind Daniel Bryan that Henry is not cleared to wrestle and that his title match never happened. Michael Cole has an orgasm about how Teddy is a great General Manager. Long gives Bryan his briefcase back and says he’ll give DB another opportunity for the title in a Fatal Four Way tonight, where the winner gets their title shot next Tuesday during the live Smackdown. Tonight it’ll be Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton vs Wade Barrett vs Cody Rhodes.
What a bait-and-switch! Had I not read a disclaimer about DB getting the briefcase back earlier this week, I would have gone ballistic when he ran out to cash in. I’m guessing he’ll win tonight since Rhodes has Booker T to deal with and Barrett/Orton will take each other out of the equation.
Justin Gabriel vs Hunico
The crowd just does not care for Hunico and, honestly, even though he’s not the botchfest that Sin Cara is, he’s quite bland. Josh Mathews reminds us that the winner of next week’s Steel Cage World Heavyweight Championship match (wait, Steel Cage? I don’t remember Teddy saying that) will face Big Show at TLC. Hunico gets the early advantage as Cole continues to run his mouth about Daniel Bryan and completely distracts from the match. I’d talk more about the match but it’s been all Hunico. And just as I said that, Gabriel hits a flying corkscrew to the outside and takes control! They climb to the top rope as Gabriel attempts a back suplex, but Hunico jams his thumb in the eye to knock Gabriel off his perch. Hunico finishes up with a beautiful Senton Bomb and this one’s in the books.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the awesome match Dolph Ziggler had with CM Punk on Raw. Seriously, Vince: Dolph is the next big thing. Push this guy to the moon!
Beth Phoenix and Natalya vs AJ Lee and Kaitlyn
Alicia Fox is on commentary and I think it’s obvious she’s next in line to get her ass whooped courtesy of the Glamazon. As AJ and Kaitlyn head to the ring, everyone talks lovingly about how they’re best friends and you have to wonder just how dumb the company thinks we are if we’re to believe there’s no dissension in that pairing. After some brief offense, AJ falls to Natalya’s Sharpshooter. Kaitlyn leaves AJ in the ring to receive another beating as Beth screams for AJ to cry. Alicia Fox makes the save as I cry openly for my girl AJ. I’ll comfort you, baby. I’ll comfort you.
Ahem.
So I’ve been playing WWE ’12 this weekend and I have to say, despite Alex Lucard’s review, it’s not quite as bad as he makes it seem. I realize he spent WAY more time on it than I have, but I have to assume the game’s been patched up since he received his advance copy.
We’re back with that cool Kane promo from Monday night. Here’s Teddy Long in his office; now where’s Aksana? He name drops Mick Foley for next week’s Smackdown as Aksana shows up and asks if there will be mistletoe at the party. Henry shows up as the World’s Strongest Cockblocker to ask Long if he’s lost his mind. Long tells Henry about the Steel Cage next week even though Mathews already ruined that surprise quite nonchalantly earlier tonight.
In the locker room, Zack Ryder is playing WWE ’12 as Sheamus interrupts him. We get the same EXACT SAME piped-in cheers for both men and I shake my head in shame. Did they really need to add cheers for these two? Zack Ryder tries for a homoerotic techno version of Sheamus’s theme song and says they should go out tonight to pick up some chicks. Sheamus says they will after they beat Ziggler and Swagger next.
Foley should come out next week as a Cactus Jack version of Santa Claus. How awesome would that be?
Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger vs Zack Ryder and Sheamus
Ziggler sings his own praises in the ring about how he was “double victorious” (who writes this stuff?) last Sunday. Swagger stares down Sheamus but Ziggler starts things off with the Great White. That January 2, 2012 twitter link shows up again as Dolph uses his speed to outmaneuver Sheamus but the Celtic Warrior grounds him with a rest hold and follows it up with a fall away slam. Swagger gets tagged in and takes control over Sheamus. Sheamus nails some headbutts and his clubbing blows on the ropes as the crowd chants for Ryder. Zack gets tagged in and hits a running suicide dive over the top rope to Ziggler and Swagger as we head to commercial.
Holy crap. This Summer, there were no great games released. Now I’ve got Mario 3D Land, The Legend of Zelda, Uncharted 3, WWE ’12, and a host of others to play. Who has time for all this?!
We’re back and Ryder is in control of Swagger as Cole calls Ryder’s fans “sheep.” Ryder tags in Sheamus and tosses Swagger into the Battering Ram! Swagger manages to take out Sheamus’s leg and plows right through him. Ziggler gets tagged in and already Booker T says Sheamus needs a tag. The heels keep Sheamus trapped in their corner as Cole says Sheamus won’t tag in Ryder. Booker actually tells Cole to shut up for once. Swagger Bomb is reversed with Sheamus’s knees and Ryder is tagged back in! Ryder hits the face wash in the corner as Vickie screams on the apron. A Ziggler distraction allows Swagger to take Ryder’s head off with a clothesline on the outside. Dolph gets tagged in as Ryder plays face in peril. Ziggler hits a neckbreaker and kips up, taunting the crowd, and you can tell this guy loves his job. Awesome tag team move sees Swagger lift up Ryder like a wheelbarrow so Dolph can hit the FameAsser! Vickie yells “FINISH HIM!” and i’m picturing her voice in a Mortal Kombat game. She could play Sindel. Ryder rolls up Ziggler but only gets two. Dolph responds with a sweet drop kick for a near fall. The quick tags continue as the crowd is frothing for Sheamus to get tagged back in. THIS is how you book a tag team match, folks. Swagger props Ryder up on the top rope but Zack counters with a Tornado DDT! Sheamus and Ziggler get tagged in as Sheamus unloads on Ziggler! Celtic Cross attempt is stopped by a boot from Swagger, which forces Sheamus into the corner. Ryder tags himself in as the ref admonishes Swagger. Brogue Kick to Swagger! Dolph attempts a Zig Zag but Sheamus hilariously tosses him into the air to no effect! Rough Ryder to Ziggler and we have our winners!
Backstage, AJ consoles Daniel Bryan as Wade Barrett shows up to smugly berate DB. He says that now he’s seen it all: Bryan has a 14-year-old girl fighting his battles for him. I have to admit; as much as I love AJ, that was pretty funny. Bryan says he’s not intimidated by anybody as Barrett walks away in disgust. AJ kisses Bryan on the cheek and wishes him luck.
Now THAT was a great match! Awesome finish! Two great matches this week, and both involved Ziggler. Hmmmmm.
Ted DiBiase vs Heath Slater
I’m not recapping this. You know how it goes. Slater just got back from a suspension as the announcers praise DiBiase. Jinder Mahal interrupts from the Titantron and does the old, “You’re royalty; act like it!” routine and I think we all know where this is going. A lower midcard feud with Mahal should get more fans behind Teddy on his way up to the inevitable Intercontinental Championship angle with Cody Rhodes. Incidentally, Slater has DiBiase in a rest hold and yells for the crowd to shut up in an attempt to get the crowd behind his opponent. In a sad and pathetic moment, NOBODY said ANYTHING to Slater and the crowd doesn’t seem to care about rallying behind DiBiase. Dream Street ends it mercifully. If the production team was going to pipe in chants, it should have been during the submission attempt.
I can’t believe I wrote so much about a match I had no interest in recapping.
Matt Striker interviews Cody Rhodes about throwing water in Booker’s face. Cody says he didn’t throw water in the face of a former 6-time World Champion; he threw water in the face of a lowly commentator. Without his mask Cody is free to defend his title, free to get revenge on Randy Orton, and free to earn a title shot against Mark Henry. He ends with “Can you dig that, sucka?”
Fatal Four Way: Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton vs Cody Rhodes vs Wade Barrett
As a reminder, the winner gets Mark Henry in a Steel Cage next week for the title. Not sure how that works out as a prize in theory. Orton/Barrett and Bryan/Rhodes is how things start out. Bryan and Rhodes spill out of the ring as Orton unloads on Barrett. Eventually, Bryan and Orton are left standing in the ring. So naturally, we cut to commercial.
I hope this match is a good one and that we’re not bogged down by commercials.
We’re back, and instead of that Orton/Bryan face-off we were promised, we get Rhodes/Bryan in the ring as Barrett/Orton fight on the outside. Orton gets tossed into the steel steps so the heels can double team DB in the ring. Orton makes the save eventually as he beats the hell out of them. Barrett regains the advantage and the double team commences on Orton. Daniel Bryan hits a missile dropkick on Barrett and a running clothesline on Rhodes! He sets up Cody on the top rope, but the heels counter with a Doomsday Device! We cut away to another commercial break.
Yeah, about those commercials….
Orton is in control on Rhodes and for some reason they are keeping the faces away from one another. Come to think of it, the heels aren’t fighting one another either. Barrett hits a side slam on Bryan, attempts a pin, and Cody gets rid of him so HE can get the win. Orton tries to get back into it, Barrett’s up, and we have a bit of a clusterfuck. Rhodes gets taken to the outside, Barrett whips Bryan off the ropes, DB ducks a clothesline and suicide dives through the second rope to take out Rhodes! Orton’s back in to hit his signature moves on Barrett but Bryan makes the save. Bryan tries to pin Randy but Rhodes stops that. Everyone is down until Rhodes starts an offensive on Randy. Front suplex to Orton looks awkward, but I think that was Orton’s fault. Randy trips up Cody on the top rope and hits a beautiful superplex! Barrett tries to steal the win but Bryan hits a flying headbutt to break up the pin attempt. Orton tosses Wade and Rhodes out of the ring to nail the hanging DDT on Bryan! Barrett pulls Orton out of the ring and DDTs him on the outside! Rhodes slithers in to cover Bryan but it’s countered into the Lebelle Lock! Rhodes taps out! Rhodes taps out!
Next week we’ll get Daniel Bryan vs Mark Henry for the World Heavyweight Championship in a Steel Cage! Rhodes attacks Bryan post-match, but Orton makes the save with an RKO and a nod of respect to DB. The show ends with Bryan holding up his briefcase.
That was another great show. Smackdown is miles above Raw in terms of wrestling quality and it showed tonight with two great main events.
That’ll do it for this week. Be sure to check out my latest Stomping Ground, my live thoughts from Survivor Series, and the usual gang of idiots here at the Pulse.
I’ll see you guys next Tuesday in a special, live “Not-So-Live” Smackdown Report. That’s some kind of paradox, right?
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
