Mike Gojira’s Live “Not-So-Live” WWE Smackdown Report 11.29.11 (Steel Cage Match)

‘Sup, homies and ho-bags? It’s time for my second shift this week as I bring to you tonight’s live edition of Smackdown! I expect a lot of Raw Rebounds and/or guest stars since these live Smackdowns tend to be of the Supershow variety, thereby diluting the usually decent card. Plus, we’ve got Mick Foley, who may or may not drag his segment into a black hole of no buys like he did two weeks ago.

Let’s recap, shall we? I’m dealing with my good friend bronchitis (who crept up on me as a birthday surprise), I can barely speak, Parent/Teacher Conferences are Thursday and Friday, I’m getting a formal observation next Monday, and the State is coming to observe my school next week. And this is only my SECOND of three columns this week.

Yeah, I’m ready for this.

We’re live from Charlotte, North Carolina as Mick Foley heads to the ring dressed as St. Nick. He calls himself a Christmas fanatic, comparing his love for the holiday to Jr’s connection to BBQ sauce and the Ultimate Warrior’s addiction to colorful tassels. He gets his cheap pop by name-dropping the city and says the first present in his bag of goodies is a World Heavyweight Championship match between “Tiny Tim” (Daniel Bryan) and the “Ghost of Christmas Fear” (Mark Henry). We’ve also got a “Miracle on 34th Street” Fight and an “All I Want for Christmas” Battle Royal where the winner gets his/her wish granted by Santa Mick. Foley says that even though he promised no Michael Cole, he could not really keep him off the show. However, he could dictate how Cole dresses, and out comes the obnoxious bastard dressed as Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. I would have preferred him as the Grinch, personally. Josh Mathews himself is dressed as an elf from the Rankin-Bass Rudolph cartoon (“Bumbles bounce!”) and Booker T…is dressed as a generic Santa Claus. Foley suggests we get a Santa-rooni “dreidel” spin for the Jews in the audience….complete with “The Dreidel Song” as background music.

Ladies and gentlemen, a black guy dressed as Santa Claus spins around in the ring like a dreidel. Chrismahanukwanzukah has arrived.

Cody Rhodes saves this segment and says a lowly announcer is insulting him by taking time out of the show for the wrestlers who still have what it takes to compete. Booker says he has no beef with Cody but he can still “go” in the ring. I hope he’s wearing Depends. Cody interrupts Booker and says he’s just jealous that he’ll never hold another title. Foley makes a match between the two for tonight. Foley then calls for the Divas to come out, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Aksana looks AMAZING as Mrs. Claus.

Can’t say I was impressed with the promo, but it was what it was.

Mistletoe on a Pole Match
Back from commercial! We’ve got the Bellas, Aksana, Kaitlyn, Natalya, AJ, Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes, and Tamina in a match Foley describes as “climb the pole and you’ll get your wish from now until Christmas.” I got a pole for them. Ahem. In less time than it took to type that horrendously inappropriate joke, Brie Bella wins. Foley intercedes and says the winner doesn’t earn a Divas’ Championship match; she gets to choose who she will kiss. Um, I don’t quite get it. It’s not like she’s FORCED to kiss anyone. Does that mean whoever she chooses MUST kiss her? Isn’t that sexual harassment?

Well that entire segment was pointless, but at least Vince can say he gave the women some air time.

Jinder Mahal vs Justin Gabriel
Gabriel gets the jobber entrance, which means Mahal is going to win so he can look slightly threatening before jobbing to Ted DiBiase. What the hell do you call enhancement talent for enhancement talent? Mahal is in control with a kitchen sink off the ropes. He uses his knee to choke out Gabriel in the ropes. Irish Whip in the corner followed by a shoulder block. DiBiase heads to the ring for the distraction to give out gifts to the fans, which distracts Mahal long enough for Gabriel to knock him on his ass and nail the 450 Splash. Guess I was wrong about how that would turn out.

Foley is backstage with the Usos practicing their war dance. Here comes Hot Rod! Piper tells Foley he wants a new straight jacket (!) for Christmas but gets interrupted by Hornswoggle, who offers milk to Maxine, who looks on in disgust. Here comes the American Dream, asking Hornswoggle if he wants a picture of Lady Gaga eating a corned beef sandwich. I’m NOT making this shit up. Dusty remarks that there are some weird people in the building…which brings out Goldust in a Christmas sweater. Sigh. David Otunga shows up to shut the party down but Foley tells him that since he’s on Smackdown, legally he can be placed in a match: the aforementioned Street Fight with Randy Orton. Guess Randy can finally get a win after jobbing for so long.

Forty minutes in and we have had two minutes of wrestling. I definitely prefer Smackdown when it’s taped and the company actually treats it like a wrestling show instead of a ratings grab.

We’re back with a recap of Booker and Cody’s confrontations, which leads to an interview with Booker T. Or, we would have had an interview segment if Rhodes didn’t viciously attack Booker and injure his arm.

God damn commercial breaks! How are you supposed to get more people to watch a wrestling show when the first hour has NO FUCKING WRESTLING?!

Kofi Kingston vs Tyson Kidd
Kidd received no official entrance. And now the promised Booker T match is off the card. Seriously. They just announced that. Kofi sends Kidd into the turnbuckle but an attack is reversed which allows Kidd to hit a low dropkick to the face. Double clothesline takes both men down as Michael Cole is apparently trending on Twitter. Ironically, Cole doesn’t realize it until Mathews is kind enough to tell him. Fast-paced assault from Kofi ends in the Boom Drop. Kingston calls for Trouple in Paradise but Tyson ducks out of the ring, leading to a baseball slide from Kofi. Kingston then does the dumbest thing ever and goes over to Michael Cole to make fun of him. Kidd takes advantage but it backfires as Kofi wears Cole’s reindeer hat and red nose so he can make the obligatory “flying reindeer” reference as he nails a cross body off the top rope for the win.

Hornswoggle tries to put an ornament on the Christmas tree, so Kaitlyn shows up to make a height joke. See, Kaitlyn is a heel now, if you didn’t figure it out yet. Sheamus asks Teddy Long what the Battle Royal is all about. Long says he has no idea. Aksana’s here with mistletoe. She asks Teddy what you’re supposed to do with mistletoe, so Teddy says that you do what comes naturally. So naturally…..she eats it. Hilarious. And I mean that sarcastically.

Now we’re up to five minutes of wrestling. We’re almost tied with the amount of wrestling Raw displays on a weekly basis.

Street Fight: Randy Orton vs David Otunga
Footage of outside reveals a “freak snowstorm” but Cole is quick to call bullshit on that (it’s CGI) and for once I agree with him. Why is this entire show booked ass-backwards tonight? How the hell is Otunga involved in a main event at this point in his career? Orton sends Mr. Hudson to the outside and rams him into a Christmas tree placed just outside the ring. And another one. Otunga rams Orton into the side of the ring and is now in control. For a nanosecond. There’s a tray of cookies at ringside so Orton eats one, hits Otunga with the empty tray, says “Ho ho ho!” and throws Otunga into the steel steps. Orton gets whipped into the other set of steps and Otunga is back in control. He has a candy cane kendo stick but Orton stops that shit and uses it himself. Otunga heads for the hills but gets nailed in the head with a gift box. Into the Christmas tree on the stage and…you know what? I feel absolutely ridiculous typing all of this. To his credit, Otunga is selling all of this like kryptonite. Back to the ring and we get a second rope DDT from the apron to the floor. Here comes Barrett to fuck up Orton and business just picked up! With Orton down, Otunga attempts a pin but Randy kicks out! Orton goes all Super Saiyan and makes a comeback to win with an RKO.

Mark Henry is getting taped up backstage when Teddy Long shows up to smooth things out. Henry wants none of that and threatens Teddy again.

I really hope this cage match saves the show.

“All I Want for Christmas” Battle Royal

The ring is filled with NXT guys, lower card house show filler, Hunico, and Sheamus. Aaaaand Hornswoggle. Shit. Can I call the end of this now? Sheamus lets Hornswoggle win. Let’s get started. Sheamus eliminates Darren Young. Hunico eliminates JTG. Ezekiel Jackson takes out Curt Hawkins. Standoff between Big Zeke and the Great White. Sheamus eliminates Jackson and Johnny Curtis. Kofi Kingston and an Uso are gone. And Yoshi Tatsu. Tyson Kidd headscissors DiBiase out of the ring, but as he skins the cat, Hornswoggle appears from under the ring to make his feet touch the ground and eliminate him.

HOLY shit. I feel like I’m paying penance for praising Smackdown all these weeks. Where the hell is my well-booked show?!

We’re back and Gabriel is out thanks to Mahal. Titus O’Neil whiffs a big boot to Heath Slater, then gets clotheslined out by Sheamus, who gives a shrug to the camera. Tyler Reks tries for a cheap shot but gets chased out of the ring through the second rope. The other heels follow suit and whip Sheamus into the barricade before getting back into the ring. Hunico, Slater, Mahal, and Reks decide to go under the ring and get Hornswoggle. He gets chased into the ring and they pick him apart. Cole calls Hornswoggle a “tough little booger” and I think that should be a T-shirt. Sheamus gets back in and elimiates all four heels. It’s just Hornswoggle and Sheamus left! Hornswoggle tries to bully Sheamus into eliminating himself. The Celtic Warrior is tired of this and tries to throw him out, but the leprechaun hangs onto the ropes. Both men are on the apron as Sheamus tells Hornswoggle to leave. He asks for a hug first…and pushes Sheamus off the apron. The little bastard wins! Sheamus gets back in the ring and looks like he’ll attack Hornswoggle, but decides to raise his hand in victory instead.

It may sound like I’m being overly harsh and critical of this show, but it really is as bad as it sounds. I truly WISH I could say it’s because I’m sick and therefore cranky.

Back at the holiday party, Ricardo Rodriguez fails to impress the Bellas, Piper and Dusty discuss the John Cena situation, and Santa Mick shows up to grant Hornswoggle his wish: the ability to talk! Mick hugs Hornswoggle and, like magic, he can talk. He runs around, pointing out things and saying what they are. He gets to Vickie Guerrero and calls her “grandma,” which prompts an exacerbated “EXCUSE ME?!” Foley then shows up from the other side of the room sans outfit to say it must be a miracle. We pan back to the chair Santa was sitting in and it’s magically empty! Oh snap!

Daniel Bryan is backstage with AJ, who kisses him for good luck. Lucky son of a bitch.

We get a commercial for the Slammy Awards in a live 3-hour event in two weeks.

The only way this night can be saved at this point is if Daniel Bryan wins the title from Henry in the next fifteen minutes. Seriously.

World Heavyweight Championship Steel Cage Match
Mark Henry vs Daniel Bryan

At the sound of the bell, DB tries to escape over the cage wall but Henry pulls him down. Bryan outmaneuvers Henry and attacks his leg but the champ launches Bryan into the cage. Henry slingshots him into the cage and we go to commercial.

Insert generic annoyed comment here.

Henry has Bryan in a nerve hold in the center of the ring but Bryan fights out of it only to get squashed. Henry hilariously yells “Happy New Year” in what is the funniest moment of the night. Henry tries to leave via cage door (you didn’t REALLY think he’d climb, did you?) but Bryan takes out his legs and assaults Henry’s “half-injured” ankle. DB tries to climb but his momentum is stopped yet again by Henry. There’s really not much to recap, as all Henry does is clothesline the kid. He tries to press slam DB but his leg gives out! DB traps Henry in the Lebelle Lock as the crowd starts to come alive! Henry powers out but DB turns it into an ankle lock! Henry rolls through and both men are winded. Bryan climbs the cage but Henry pulls him down and tries to climb out himself! DB beats him to the punch but Henry pulls him down. Both men are on the turnbuckle and DB climbs over him! He’s dangling outside but Henry pulls him back in for a World’s Strongest Slam off the top rope! That’s it.

Not bad for a cage match, but had it been given more time we could have had a worthy main event.

Meh. This show was quite the disappointment. Mick Foley, you are a bad omen, sir. Stay off my TV unless you’re putting over a younger Superstar who needs the rub.

Well, I’m exhausted thanks to my meds, so I’ll see you all on Thursday to end my week. What the hell am I going to talk about now that I’ve already covered Smackdown and Raw this week?

I’ll figure something out.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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