For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 12/12/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 12/12/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, honored-just-to-be-nominated column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your host Andrew Wheeler, and it’s that time of year again when people get to hoist up fairly meaningless awards and pretend to be excited. But trust me, I’m not bitter. Hell, look at the logo I’ve been using for the better part of four years. I love me some Slammys. Granted, my love of the award has to do with a certain Mania TV host singing about Yokozuna being a Nathan’s hot dog eating winner and Owen Hart “winning” best bowtie, but love is love. Sadly, since I’m still enjoying this awesome flu, tonight’s column may again be a little condensed. Ah well, let’s get on with it…

The RAW Judicial Review for 12/12/11

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is electrifying.”

You know it’s a special show because they break out the female VO announcer and an official theme song. Ooh and aah. The majesty and pageantry is back as they are reusing last year’s set. Plus, since the Oscars lost Eddie Murphy, the best we’re gonna get at an awards show is Booker T, who is presenting the first award.

Tell Me I Did Not Just See That Award

This award honors the brave blind wrestlers who…wait, what? It’s an award for wacky nonsense? Then it makes sense that presenting the award with Booker is That Fuckin’ Midget. The nominees are:

– Santino Marella almost winning the Royal Rumble but sadly didn’t decide to go into business for himself and just eliminate Del Rio anyway, thus creating a truly memorable moment

– Jim Ross dancing in an effort to show people that he’s “okay” with how his character is always humiliated and that he’s a good sport who doesn’t cry himself to sleep at nights realizing his legacy has been stained like so much BBQ sauce on a white dress shirt

– Resurrection-Truth being all wacky and suspended

– The Miz dressing in blackface to mock The Rock and the Civil Rights Movement

And the winner is…Jim “Big Wiggle” Ross. JR comes out to accept the award, because in Vince’s eyes he isn’t capable of calling a wrestling match because “the kids don’t wanna see a fat old man” but he is capable of coming out to dance. The mind of McMahon is a scary, scary place.

Michael Cole interrupts to prove he’s still relevant and says that Jim Ross winning was a joke, so Booker T does the logical thing and books a rap-off. That sound you hear is Vince Russo saying, “This is a bad idea.” Cole raps first about who the hell knows what. JR goes second and forgets his lines. Stop. The. Pain. I feel worse for JR during this then I did when he kissed McAss. Oh, and to top it off, he does a JR-Roonie where I thought for a moment he was having a stroke.

Mick Foley is in the back and he’s dressed like he just did a set and some coke at a 1980’s Improv.

Commercial.

Holy Shit Moment of 2011

I’m not going to bother masking the word shit because that takes effort and if you didn’t know what they meant, then someone needs to sit you down in a safe place and punch you in the jaw. The award is presented by Mick Foley and the Million Dollar Man because DiBiase, as a minister, is holy, and Mick is…a collection of punctuation marks and pound signs. Who cares? It’s Ted on TV doing the laugh. That’s good enough for me. And the nominees for vague old ECW crowd chant that isn’t “she’s a crack whore” are:

– Sheamus killing Sin Cara by throwing him through a ladder on a spot that Sin Cara DIDN’T injure himself

– Randy Orton catching Christian with a second rope RKO onto steel ring steps

– Big Show and Mark Henry collapsing a ring trying to carry one-another to a decent match

– Evan Bourne getting high…and then jumping off a ladder

And the winner is…obviously Big Show and Mark Henry. Show comes out to accept the award in his “Hey kids, remember M*A*S*H?” shirt. Through labored breaths, he talks about how Mark Henry is scared of him and how he’s gonna win the World Title, much to the mild bemusement of twenty or thirty people in the crowd.

Commercial.

The Big Show v. Wade Barrett

The two of them tease doing a table spot, until Big Show just opts to smash the table for no reason. Wade goes for a chair but Big Show punches the chair. Ya know, I don’t wanna be a stickler, but if instead of attacking inanimate objects he hit his opponent, he might have actually won. Whatever, it got Show on screen and didn’t make him wrestle much.

Commercial.

We’re back and…here comes The Road Dogg. Yes, you read that correctly. Jesse James goes through his shtick, which would be fun except most of the crowd is confused why that old man who may or may not have been the lead singer of a 90’s ska band is on stage. We get a video package of all of the Pipebombs, which was a pleasant trip down memory lane of funny flashes and that time Teddy Long forgot to talk because he wasn’t just yelling “The Un-dah-takah”. Oh, this is an actual award. Um, okay.

Pipebomb of the Year

Apparently everyone and everything was a nominee, but this was really just an excuse to give an award to CM Punk. Punk comes out with a mannequin dressed in a Dynamic Dudes t-shirt. Either he’s ripping Johnny Ace or making an astute commentary on having to “carry” Ace-approved Superstars like Alberto Del Rio. Punk thanks the crowd and then dedicates it to Johnny Super Ace before unleashing a tremendous video package filled with highlights of Ace’s stellar career. This was worth the price of admission. Oh, and if “The Touch” isn’t still stuck in your head then you’re not a wrestling fan. Or maybe you are. I really don’t care.

Commercial.

Divalicious Moment of the Year

To present this award it’s…Lita. Glad to see she had free time between court hearings to make it. Hope she took a cab. Lita says it’s great to be back and gets the polite applause most award shows reserve for best editing. She seems mildly enthused at best so we roll that beautiful bean footage:

– Natalya doing one of those Sharpshooters that are…like…double-Sharpshooters

– Kelly Kelly rolling up a Bella Twin to win the Tramp Stamp Title

– Kharma killing Mrs. Undertaker II

– Beth Phoenix’s top rope Glamslam on Eve Eve

And of course the winner is Kelly Kelly, who talks through her gigantic smile until the Pin Up Divas of Destruction, Despair and Deltoids come out to get slapped in the face. On the plus side, that should do it for the Divas tonight.

OMG Moment of the Year

Santino and the Bella Twins present this and they riff on the meaning of OMG while I start to make a list in my head of all of the best WCW Saturday Night Matches. You’d be amazed how many of them featured Beautiful Bobby. And the nominees are:

– Triple H Tombstoning Undertaker in one of the most overrated matches in recent wrestling history

– The Rock hitting the Rock Bottom on John Cena

– The WWE locker-room walks out on Triple H because there was a level of boring, repetitive television that even they couldn’t take anymore

– CM Punk wins the WWE Title and makes the company thrilling for about 72 hours

And the winner is obviously CM Punk winning the title and changi….I’m kidding, it was Triple H stealing Undertaker’s finishing move like in a video game. Hunter returns from his seven weeks of sitting behind the curtain to show off his leather jacket of the week. He has a sledgehammer and he’s gonna use it, damnit…it cut a promo.

Triple H talks about how he’s going to kill Kevin Nash and how they do still matter and the like. He is The Game, the Cerebral Assassin, The King of Kings, The Prognosticator of Prognosticators and at a PPV in 2011 he will beat Diesel. Oy. Hunter then saunters up the ramp, teases killing Santino, but because he is a face and is benevolent, he will let him live. For now.

Commercial.

Trending Star of the Year

So now we have the wrestling equivalent to “Who got the most signatures in your yearbook” award. The nominees will all compete, and whoever is the highest trending topic wins the match. And to think we used to get upset when they IGNORED social media. The award is presented by David Otunga and Tony Atlas, aka Otunga in 20 years.

Daniel Bryan v. Dolph Ziggler v. Cody Rhodes v. Zack Ryder

They get three segments for this match, which is great. See, something good finally came out of Vince’s Twitter obsession. It is scary how good Ziggler is at this point, and the chance he gets the token Royal Rumble PPV title shot (usually given as a test to a younger guy since anyone who is a “big” star is needed for the Rumble match itself) is pretty good. In the end, everyone tries one form of their finisher, ultimately with Ziggler hitting the ZigZag on Bryan for the pin.

After the match we find out that Ziggler lost the Trending award to Zack Ryder, so he beats Ryder up and steals his award. Classic Owen.

Commercial.

Game Changer Award

Christian is back to present the award, complete with legit ankle injury and kayfabed neck injury. He says he deserved to be in the running for Superstar of the Year before asking if anyone had a match. I don’t think you can smoke indoors, big guy. And the nominees for these increasingly vague awards are:

– Triple H firing Vince and Vince’s ugly pink jacket

– Edge retiring and making people cry before appearing on subpar SyFy shows

– Kevin Nash appearing and NOT injuring himself

– Alberto Del Rio proving that people can in fact burn out that fast

– The Rock & John Cena bringing back longterm booking

And the winner is The Rock and John Cena, because the WWE kissed Edge’s ass enough, Del Rio promos are boring, Hunter already won something and Nash doesn’t have the energy to get out of the chair he’s sitting in. To be fair, it’s a plush chair.

Cena comes out to accept the award and keeps pointing out that The Rock isn’t there, but he is. He’s like the desperate best friend trying to woo the hot girl who is obsessed with the football player. Look, we get it, you’re available. Pull it back, buddy. Pull it back. He then gives the standard Wrestlemania Stump Speech. Huzzah.

Commercial.

CM Punk & Randy Orton v. Alberto Del Rio & The Miz

The four guys all have a pretty good, if lackluster, tag match. They, along with Cena and Henry, are up for Superstar of the Year, so it was a nice way to work them all onto television. Punk plays Ricky Morton for quite a while and keeps almost getting the hot tag to Orton. Just when it looks like he’s gonna get it, Wade Barrett comes from out of the crowd and distracts Randy. Miz hits the SCF for the pin and Orton chases Barrett to the back. After the match, Del Rio uses a chair to put Punk in the Cross-Arm Breaker as Miz taunts him. Hey, at least they got some of their heat back.

Commercial.

A-Lister of the Year

Vickie Guerrero and Goldust present the award, but not before wacky banter about makeup and it’s various overuses. And the nominees are:

– The Muppets, who were awesome

– Cee-Lo who looked like something out of a Stefan rant

– Hugh Jackman, who was really into his guest role

– Snooki, who I thought we all agreed to never talk about again

And the winner is…Snooki. Never thought I’d write the words Snooki and winner in the same sentence. She thanks everyone via tape and is actually looking rail-thin. Somebody put something in that girl’s mouth, quick. Wait…I didn’t mean that like that…ugh.

Commercial.

Sheamus v. Jinder Mahal

Jinder comes out ranting about customer service or something so Sheamus kicks him in the mouth. That was short and to the point.

Superstar of the Year

This award is being presented by Rey Mysterio, who gets absolutely no reaction whatsoever. There may be hope for this crowd yet. And the nominees are:

– Randy Orton, who is still relevant even if he’s not competing for a title, he swears

– The Miz, who went from headlining Wrestlemania to being R-Truths’ straight man

– Alberto Del Rio, who…and I’m bored

– John Cena, who can rise above the hate but can’t get the ratings to rise with him

– Mark Hey-Hey-Henry, who proves it’s never too late for love

– CM Punk, who, if he loses, will take to the streets in protest on his bicycle

And the winner, as if there was any doubt, was CM Punk. Johnny Super Ace comes out to accept the award and says that Punk is injured but will compete in his TLC match anyway. Way to kill the crowd dead, WWE.

Commercial.

John Cena v. Mark Hey-Hey-Henry

Cena gets tossed around for a while as we think we know where this is going when the lights turn off and mah gawd, mah gawd, that’s gotta be…that’s gotta be Kane. Kane comes out wearing an iron mask that makes him look like Predator. He bypasses Mark Henry and chokeslams John Cena. He then takes off the iron mask to reveal…he’s wearing his mask again. Well, it’s a new mask but you get the point. The place is atwitter as we fade to black.

Hey, Kane’s back. That was exciting for a moment before I realize this means he’s gonna cut the same anguished promos again with that stupid music serving as a score. But on the plus side, at least John Cena won’t be randomly inserted in the WWE Title Match at the last minute.

This has been for your consideration.

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