The SmarK RAW Supershow SLAMMY Rant â€“ 12.12.2011
So check out what I got in the mail today:
It actually doesnâ€™t look like a giant wang when you see it in real life.Â Honest.
Live from somewhere in Virginia that was never expanded upon.
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
So itâ€™s the 2011 Slammy Awards, the most prestigious and Twitter-trending awards show of the week.
Booker T & Hornswoggle are out to present the first award, and the midget can now speak because he won a wish from Santa Claus in a battle royale.Â Things you shouldnâ€™t have to type in 2011, but still do.Â Wrestling, ladies and gentlemen!Â Anyway, this is the â€œTell Me I Didnâ€™t See Thatâ€ award, with Jim Ross dancing, Santino nearly winning the Rumble, R-Truth getting water in the face from a fan, and The Miz imitating The Rock.Â The winner, naturally, is Jim Ross, so they can make fun of him some more.Â Michael Cole interrupts the acceptance speech and complains about losing the dance contest, so Booker challenges Cole to a rap-off on JRâ€™s behalf.Â Iâ€™m starting to suspect that this awards ceremony may not be on the up-and-up.Â So yeah, this is actually a thing that happens.Â Cole does his rap, and then JR says that he doesnâ€™t need music, but they play it anyway.Â And he does a suitably terrible rap, but wins the popular vote anyway.Â And then does a spinarooni to celebrate.Â Yeah, Iâ€™d much rather watch this than listen to JR call the matches.
Ted Dibiase Sr. & Mick Foley are out for some light (very light) comedy and to present the Holy Shit Move Of The Year (bleeped of course).Â Your nominees are Sheamus powerbombing Sin Cara onto a ladder, Randy Orton giving Christian the RKO onto stairs, Big Show & Henry breaking the ring, and Evan Bourne hitting the SSP off a ladder.Â The winners, obviously, are Show and Henry.Â Show accepts the award and promises something else spectacular next.
Big Show v. Wade Barrett
Weâ€™re joined in progress after a break, with Show trying to put Barrett through a table, but Wade escapes and goes up to the middle rope.Â Big Show is so ANGRY that he smashes the table with his bare hands, and then punches the shocked Barrett, who grabs a chair for the DQ at 1:24.Â What a shitty finish.Â Why book these matches if you donâ€™t want to put one guy over?Â Just book a different match!Â Stick Jay Uso in there to get squashed or something.Â They have a million people wasting away on crap shows like Superstars and NXT doing nothing and on the â€œbigâ€ shows we have to put up with 50/50 booking so they donâ€™t have to ever put anyone over for real.Â According to Cole, Mark Henry will likely be watching this and wondering what heâ€™s getting into on Sunday.Â Well, given that theyâ€™ve already wrestled on the last two PPVs, Iâ€™m pretty sure heâ€™s got Big Show scouted as well as heâ€™s ever going to.
Road Dogg comes out to zero reaction to present the next award.Â The business has passed you by, Brian, and the 12 year olds who make up the audience werenâ€™t even born the last time you were relevant.Â I mean, the banter was fine and heâ€™d probably make a good color commentator, but it just reeked of someone from a different era trying to cling to his past.Â The award is â€œPipe Bomb Of The Yearâ€, which I guess is for the best verbal moment or something, although they show a mixture of goofs and actual funny lines.Â The winner is, not surprisingly, the guy for whom the award is named, CM Punk.Â I have a real problem, by the way, with showing Howard Finkel overcome with emotion at Survivor Series and choking on his introduction a bit and then having Cole mock him like he was forgetting his lines or something.Â Finkel is a guy who has been with the company since day one, and before, and put up all manner of shit from Vince McMahon, and when given a chance to have the spotlight for a crowd that loves him, they treat him like shit.Â Itâ€™s disgusting and Vince is getting worse with it as heâ€™s getting older.Â Anyway, back to the awards show, as Punk brings out a mannequin wearing a wig and a Dynamic Dudes t-shirt.Â Finally, we get a funny video package showing Johnny Ace as a Dude, failing at skateboarding and rocking the mullet.Â So now fans can actually get Punkâ€™s jokes about this.Â Extra points for using â€œThe Touchâ€ as the music.
Lita gets to present the â€œDivalicious Moment Of The Yearâ€ award.Â This has to be some kind of rib.Â Your nominees are Natalya, Kelly Kelly, Kharma and Beth Phoenix.Â Kelly Kelly wins, of course.Â The heels interrupt before Kelly can even give her speech, but Kelly and Lita chase them off.
Santino & The Bella Twins are the next presenters as I wonder if weâ€™re ever getting any wrestling tonight.Â Itâ€™s the OMG Moment:Â HHH tombstoning Undertaker, Cena getting the Rock Bottom, the RAW walkout, and Punk winning the title at Money In The Bank.Â The â€œwinnerâ€ is HHHâ€™s tombstone.Â Really?Â And now HHH goes out for a promo, as this entire first hour (minus one minute) has been these stupid awards and talking.Â Heâ€™s upset and going to beat up Kevin Nash on Sunday.Â Good to know.Â Whatâ€™s the endgame here, anyway?Â HHH is basically retired and Nash might as well be, so who cares who wins or loses anyway?Â Itâ€™s not like theyâ€™re gonna move either guy into the title picture (ARE THEY?!) and no oneâ€™s buying the show to see them hobbling around in a ladder match.Â I donâ€™t get it. Â And do they ever even mention that HHH is the COO anymore, or is that just kind of ignored now?
David Bowtunga & Tony Atlas are here to present the Trending Star Of The Year.Â Oh god, theyâ€™re even working Twitter into this stupid awards show.Â Tony Atlas laughs at Otunga like a jackass the entire time.Â So the noms are Dolph Ziggler, Daniel Bryan, Cody Rhodes and Zack Ryder. Â And the winner of the award will be determined by a match or whoever trends on Twitter or something.Â OK then.
Dolph Ziggler v. Cody Rhodes v. Zack Ryder v. Daniel Bryan
They made a huge mistake changing Zigglerâ€™s music.Â Swapping out one generic post-grunge song for another is pointless and just kills whatever recognition â€œI Am Perfectionâ€ had for fans.Â Anyway, the babyfaces hit stereo dives and we take a break.Â Back with Ryder hitting Bryan with a Broski boot for two, and they collide on a bodypress attempt.Â Cody gets a two count on both guys, and the heels each pick a face to beat on.Â Ryder gets tossed and their double-team Bryan before turning on each other, and Bryan does a pinfall reversal sequence with Rhodes before getting tossed out.Â Rhodes and Ziggler turn on each other again and Cody gets the Alabama Slam on Zig for two, and we take another break.Â Back with Ryderâ€™s Broski boot getting interrupted by Ziggler.Â Ryder rolls him up for two, but Bryan rolls up Ryder for two.Â Everyone collide for a quadruple KO spot and THEY WONâ€™T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT TWITTER.Â TRENDING TRENDING TRENDING TRENDING WE FUCKING GET IT ALREADY, SHUT UP!Â FUCK!Â This makes me want to go delete my Twitter account.Â Anyway, the babyfaces both go up, and the heels both get superplexes.Â Ziggler and Rhodes slug it out, but Ryder hits Ziggler with the Rough Rider.Â Crossroads for Ryder, LaBell Lock for Rhodes, and Ziggler gets the sleeper on Bryan, but he escapes.Â Zig Zag finishes Bryan at 15:00.Â So Ziggler wins the match, but apparently the actual Slammy winner is separate.Â They didnâ€™t really make that clear.Â This was fun.Â ***Â Unsurprisingly, Zack Ryder wins the actual award, and Dolph lays him out with the trophy.Â Hopefully they just put the damn belt on Ryder on the PPV and quit trying to be cute about this whole thing.
Christian (with crutches, giant leg brace and neck brace) is out to present the Game-Changer Of The Year Award.Â Thatâ€™s some tremendous dedication to the heel lifestyle there.Â And heâ€™s still wanting one more match for the title.Â Anyway, the nominees are HHH firing Vince McMahon, Edge retiring, Kevin Nash returning to powerbomb Punk, and Rock & John Cena doing stuff.Â The winner is John Cena, who introduces The Rock, and of course heâ€™s not there.Â Nor is he even on satellite this time.Â Cena has no match on the PPV to hype, so he hypes Wrestlemania instead.
CM Punk & Randy Orton v. Alberto Del Rio & The Miz
Youâ€™d think this is where the heels get their heat on Punk for the PPV.Â The faces work Miz over and Orton gets a suplex for two, but Miz gets his DDT for two.Â Orton is face-in-peril, but Punk gets the tag and runs wild for a bit before he gets cut off and we take a break.Â Back with Miz getting a clothesline for two.Â They work Punk over some more and Miz sets up to finish, but Punk reverses out to the high kick.Â Punkâ€™s hot tag is cut off by Del Rio, and Barrett comes out of the crowd to punk out Orton as well.Â Double whammy!Â So Punk is by himself, and Miz reverses the GTS into the Finale for the pin at 12:30.Â Good fun match that the crowd was into at the end, not so much at the beginning.Â **1/2Â At the least the wrestling we HAVE gotten has been good thus far, although Michael Cole spent this entire match ranting about Jim Ross tweeting his â€œrealâ€ rap.Â Ah, so the segment was supposed to be GOOD, and it was JRâ€™s fault because the rap wasnâ€™t effective.Â I see.Â Anyway, Del Rio and Miz beat up Punk with the ladder and get their smack talk in to set up Punkâ€™s dramatic victory on Sunday.
The WWE Network gets advertised again with their tacky promo and vague promises about interactive shows and old programming.Â Just because you can poll fans for a name doesnâ€™t mean youâ€™re ready to launch a network in April.
Vickie & Goldust present the â€œA-Lister Of The Yearâ€ award, which is for the best use of a celebrity.Â Itâ€™s between Snooki, Hugh Jackman, the Muppets and Cee-Lo Green.Â The winner is Snooki, who was likely the only one they could get to appear.Â So we get a taped acceptance speech.
Sheamus v. Jinder Mahal
No match, as Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick and the sound guy plays his music.Â Given Sheamus isnâ€™t on the PPV, I donâ€™t know why they even bothered booking this.
Rey Mysterio returnsâ€¦to present a Slammy.Â Thereâ€™s WWE in a nutshell for you.Â Itâ€™s the Superstar of the Year award, with nominees CM Punk, Randy Orton, John Cena, Mark Henry, Alberto Del Rio and The Miz.Â The winner, as youâ€™d expect, is Punk.Â Sadly, Punk is in no condition to accept, so Johnny Ace accepts on his behalf.
Mark Henry is interrupted by the mystery 2012 promo, and the theme is now â€œControlâ€.Â Oh shit, PUDDLE OF MUDD is putting out another CD!Â Weâ€™re all fucked!
John Cena v. Mark Henry
Henry overpowers Cena and we take a break immediately.Â Back with Henry stomping Cena, but Cena almost gets a slam before falling backwards.Â Ah, the classic Hogan spot.Â Henry goes to a neck vice, but Cena fights out and gets the five knuckle shuffle.Â Henry falls on top of him to block the FU, however, and that gets two.Â Cena makes the comeback, but walks into a bearhug.Â Cena fights out of that, but walks into the Worldâ€™s Strongest Slam, and itâ€™s lights out for the Sportz Entertainment Finish at 8:00 or so.Â Kane returns, back in his old costume with a Predator mask, and youâ€™d think he would go after the guy who put him out of commission for months, but no, he chokeslams Cena instead.Â Because, I dunno, heâ€™s crazy and they need a heel opponent for Cena?Â Anyway, under the metal mask is the half mask from the RVD team era, so at least he can still do promos.Â Strictly from a merchandising standpoint, wouldnâ€™t it make more sense to have Kane as a babyface so you can pad the WWE Network coffers with $80 Kane mask sales?Â And really, after Henry dispatches Big Show, Kane was the next logical way to use up two or three PPVs and get Henry to Wrestlemania.Â But hey, makes me really want to see that Kane v. John Cena match at the PPVâ€¦
The Pulse:Â Still no Brodus Clay.Â I think we can give up hope at this point, although tonight would have been the perfect chance to do a â€œDebut Of The Yearâ€ award and have Brodus win but fail to show up for it.Â Anyway, the first segment was one of the worst in the history of the show and it didnâ€™t get much better from there.
Tags: alberto del rio, cm punk, HHH, Jim Ross, john cena, Johnny Ace, kane, Michael Cole, monday night raw, slammy awards, SmarK Rant, WWE