THE RAGER! Slamming the Slammy’s and Kane Returns.

I’m Chris. The is The Rager. ‘Nuff said.

I’m all about grabbing the audiences attention (as you can see by my awesomely clever opening) and, in short, the WWE couldn’t have failed more at grabbing and maintaining the attention of the audience with The Slammy’s. Sure the ending was unexpected and that’s all everyone is gonna be talking about but how many people stuck around that long? I mean, I’m a regular viewer and even I considered turning it to Monday Night Football and it was the Goats vs the Oceancocks so that’s gotta say something. Nowadays I keep watching Raw all the way through because I’m hoping they’ll give me something to talk about on here but before hour 2 was finished, I know this column would be pulled outta my butt (you’re welcome, btw).

Seeing as how this is real life and not Inception, Citizen Kane or an episode of Breaking Bad (just started it on Netflix), the logical thing would be to start at the beginning…

And oh what a beginning it was with all that Booker and Hornswaggle, trying to exude confidence in his new-found speaking abilities and just when you thought the situation couldn’t get anymore awkward/terrible, out comes a brand new JR vs. Cole segment. I’m not going to really touch on anymore of the segment itself because I feel like its terribleness speaks for itself. But what I do wanna mention is how WWE has been putting off Brotus Clay’s redebut either because of running out of time or “not the right time” or whatever their excuse is gonna be this week. My thinking is, if there’s a guy that you’re not wanting to rush and put him in the perfect situation then why not manufacture and plan the perfect situation when you have a THREE FREAKING HOUR SHOW AT YOUR DISPOSAL INSTEAD OF MAKING US WATCH/LISTEN TO THIS GARBAGE?!?

Sorry, I have some built up frustrations…not only about that but I’m a Bears fan with a new-found hatred for Tim Tebow…God didn’t help him win, God just made Marion Barber stupid but all that is another story.

I have nothing to say about Big Show because I’m just getting tired of hearing about/watching those two whales wobble over each other. I get it, the ring collapsing hullabaloo made a lackluster PPV somewhat interesting, congrats and lets move on, yes?

It was good to see Road Dogg and I was a fan of him just like every one else and more so seeing as how is hair reminded me of a certain Dethklok drummer. However, WWE’s plan for a nostalgia pop failed seeing as how Road Dogg got no reaction because he’s just that irrelevant now which is sad considering how much the audience would be in the palm of his hand just from his theme music alone. Again, it was good to see him but it did little-to-no good.

Lita was a legit surprise because didn’t she get arrested like a couple days ago? That was more interesting than anything involving any of the other Divas in this segment.

There seemed to be a running thing at the Slammy’s where the losers were rewarded. Big Show won for getting superplexed and then HHH gets an award for stealing a move and then losing but claiming the moral victory. HHH’s promo just seemed to allude to the possibility of a HHH/Taker rematch but I don’t think Wrestlemania would be long enough for that. And honestly, no one could careless about HHH and Nash at this point, they milked it for too long and should’ve ENDED at Survivor Series.

I feel like I talked enough last week about WWE’s love affair with Twitter so I’m not really gonna touch on the trending four way although I did love the booking for it. Although, it doesn’t make sense to include Cody in it seeing as how he isn’t even on twitter…

Cena’s acceptance speech seemed really half-hearted and his antics about introducing the non-attending Rock was very heelish, to be honest. I mean, that move is really a heel classic that WWE likes to exploit on a regular basis. No, I’m not reading into it, I’m just pointing it out.

I recently rewatched some PPVs from the early part of the year which made watch CM Punk and Orton team up…I mean they were literally each other’s opponent at Wrestlemania. I know Punk is new to the current face scene and WWE hates continuity but, c’mon now. You’re telling me that NOW Punk is gonna forget that kick to the head 2 1/2 half years ago that he brought up in their feud back in February/March? Other than that, I’m fine with the match itself because beating up on Punk renewed heat on Del Rio and Miz leading into their match at TLC, sure.

I was more excited to see Goldust than I was about the A-lister award. It makes sense that WWE goes all crazy for redundant, air-headed, egotistical maniacs that crave the spotlight because…well…look who’s running your company. Although calling Snooki an A-list celebrity is quite a stretch, she’s easily a C-list (I’ll give you 3 guesses on what the C stands for…for the kids in the audience, the C stands for Cookie because she loves cookies…lots…and lots of cookies).

So can meeting the end of Sheamus’ boot mean Mahal can get the JoMo treatment? Please? He gets no reaction from the audience (almost at Hunico levels of not giving a crap). And did he have an accent a month ago? I didn’t think he did.

The Kane return was unexpected and we got what we were all hoping for and that was the return of the unbeatable Masked Kane. My excitement about it kinda faded because its been reported several places that the only reason Kane is returning with the mask is because WWE is really pushing for that most masks worn world record which means we get to see him job to Rey Mysterio at Wrestlemania…there goes that egotism again, WEE.

Also, I failed to mention the Johnny Ace Tribute by Punk and I now the credit really should go to the awesome editing department and its well-deserved, there wasn’t a single individual at my apartment not laughing.

Well that’s about it for me this week, folks. Comment below and share your thoughts about Raw, WWE, Smackdown, the universe and its vastness, how NBC doesn’t need to lay a finger on Community, Tebow being a scumbag, Marion Barber for being an idiot, etc. Follow me on twitter @cwsanders39 and join me every Monday night for Live Rager during Raw.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice.

The Answer: The graphics for WWE 12 are offensive to my senses. How offensive? This offensive (Credit to Joel Leonard for finding it)

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