Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 12.16.11 (Orton/Ryder vs Barrett/Ziggler)

Soooooooo…..why haven’t you chosen the top Wrestling Hiccup of 2011 in the latest edition of The Stomping Ground yet?

I’ll wait.

We begin with Josh Mathews interviewing Booker T in the middle of the squared circle. Mathews asks Booker if he’s ready for Sunday’s PPV and he pretty much says that was a stupid question. He says he was ready to take the next step in his career and become a commentator, but Rhodes decided his ego was more important and Booker will be damned if he’ll be used as a stepping stone. Mathews asks if Booker will return to full-time action were he to defeat Rhodes at TLC and Booker says he’ll cross that bridge when he comes to it. Cody Rhodes interrupts and says he fully expects the fans to erupt for Booker T at the PPV and also expects a flurry of offense from the 5-time WCW Champion, but when reality sets in Booker will realize he isn’t in Cody’s league. As for tonight, Cody Rhodes has asked for another match with Daniel Bryan and if Booker interferes, his match at TLC is off.

Cody Rhodes vs Daniel Bryan

Within the first 30 seconds, Bryan attempts the Lebell Lock and Rhodes bails out of the ring for a commercial break.

What is with these shitty alien invasion movies? Have you actually seen the full trailer for The Darkest Hour?

We’re back and DB has a headlock on Rhodes, then attempts a Bow and Arrow Lock. Rhodes tries to fight the attempt, so DB modifies his strategy with his legs locked into position by driving Cody’s knees into the mat. They head to the ropes where Cody dumps Bryan out of the ring. Meanwhile, on commentary, Michael Cole tries to plead Cody’s case by claiming hilariously that Booker T was hired as an unbiased commentator so he deserved to get an ass-whooping for talking bad about Rhodes. Uh, hello? Cole, you bad-mouth Daniel Bryan EVERY WAKING MOMENT!!! By that logic, Cole should lose some teeth, right? Anyway, Rhodes is in control as the commentators continue to bitch and moan and I honestly am having trouble following the match. Bryan is whipped into the corner and as Cody runs at him he eats boot. DB nails a second-rope missile dropkick followed by a pin attempt that only gets two. Rhodes and Bryan wind up in the corner again and Cody tries to climb but gets cut off. A back suplex attempt by Bryan is turned into a cross body for a two count! A Beautiful Disaster is dodged as DB attempts a roll-up, which is countered into a lift which sets up Cross Rhodes and this one’s over.

The only match for TLC I’m really looking forward to is the Triple Threat for the WWE Championship.

Alicia Fox vs Natalya
Ugh. I love how Natalya and Beth Phoenix are throwing out tissues to the crowd. You see, it symbolizes how they make other Divas cry. I’m sure there’s another meaning to the tissues if you’re a guy (AMIRITE?!). Ahem. Alicia wins with a roll-up, pulls out Natalya’s weave, and spews a lot of scripted garbage just so she can say Natalya was “outfoxed.” Sigh. Natalya gets back in the ring but Fox is ready for her and drops her, followed by a disastrous flipping leg drop that completely misses the mark. Well, except for nailing Nattie on her forehead. Ouch. The announcers joke about how Natalya will need facial reconstructive surgery and she tries to look pissed at Alicia but can’t stop laughing over the stupidity of the botched move.

I just realized I used a lot of one-syllable words in my recap of the Divas match, and not one of them was flattering. Ha.

We get a recap of the Pipe Bomb of the Year Award “nominees” from Raw. That video package was pretty funny.

Jack Swagger and Mark Henry are in the parking lot. Henry says that if Swagger hurts Big Show tonight, he’ll be first in line for a title shot. Swagger fires back by saying he has a victory over Big Show while Henry doesn’t. He’ll hurt Big Show tonight, but not for anyone but himself.

The crowd sort of popped when Swagger brought up his title defense over Big Show. Odd.

The Usos vs Epico and Primo w/ Rosa Mendes
The Hispanics have been on a roll lately and I can’t stop staring at Rosa’s hips. Wait, what was I saying? Primo guillotines one of the Usos off the top rope with the ref distracted and the heels pretty much are in control. Hot tag to the other Uso and the ring fills up with wrestlers. Illegal Uso and Epico get sent out of the ring as legal Uso hits a Superkick on Primo. As the Uso climbs the turnbuckle, Rosa screams at him and he’s distracted long enough for Primo to crotch him on the ropes. Backstabber from the top rope ends it as Rosa shouts “Me gusta!”

What can I say? I fall hard for Spanish women. Me gusta Rosa.

NOTE: This is the SECOND time this has happened to me today, so let me be brief: the Dashboard website in which we write these columns was in the middle of updating while I was typing and decided to erase everything from this point on. So, yeah…I’m just giving you the results from this point forward. I’m pissed off.

Big Show vs Jack Swagger

With Mark Henry watching at ringside, Show defeats Swagger with the WMD. Henry tries to intimidate Show after the match by taking out both Swagger AND a cameraman with a chair.

Ted DiBiase vs Heath Slater
Slater does the job and immediately following the match, Jinder Mahal attacks Ted. Teddy Long makes the save by announcing that Sheamus has unfinished business with Mahal from Monday night and that match is next.

Sheamus vs Jinder Mahal
Sheamus destroys Mahal.

Randy Orton and Zack Ryder vs Wade Barrett and Dolph Ziggler

Fun little tag match that sees Orton avoid a FameAsser to drop Ziggler with the RKO. Barrett and Orton have a staredown as the show ends.

I apologize for the briefness of the second half of the show, but as I stated before the site decided to delete what I wrote up TWICE. This show was definitely a step up from the last two weeks, especially considering it was a go-home show before the PPV. Check out the staff’s picks for TLC in the Rasslin’ Roundtable.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,