Howdy everyone and welcome to Pulse Wrestling’s TNA IMPACT Wrestling Report for 12.22.11. I will be your guide through this adventurous wrestling promotion called TNA’s weekly episode of IMPACT. There’s been a couple great weeks of television from them, so I’m thinking this one will be bad, but I am optimistic. I hope everyone is enjoying some time off from school or work or protesting. Let’s dive brown nose first!
The show starts off with the Sting and Bobby Roode feud recap over the past couple months including him spitting a nice wad at Dixie Carter’s face. Styles’ interviews of him complaining about Bobby cheating against him repeatedly. Last week’s title bout is detailed with AJ tapping out to Roode. The Bully Ray and Jeff Hardy main event is also recapped. Roode clipping Sting from behind with the title belt. Sting still had his shades on. Like glue.
Our hosts are “The Professor” Mike Tenay and “The Human Suplex Machine” Taz. Would you look at that?
TNA World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Roode and Bully Ray start off the show coming to the ring. Bully Ray has a Santa hat on. Roode in full business suit, Bully Ray in his wrestling attire. Roode loves this time of year. He loves the holidays. That makes two of us. Merry Freakin’ Christmas he states. “Hardy” chants are all over the arena. Roode says that the fans early Christmas gifts were given to them last week at the end of IMPACT when Sting got beat down violently. Roode says that giving is better than receiving. He forgot the bow though. Ray ain’t no scrooge. He gives all year long. He gives his chicken bones to homeless people. His dollar bills to strippers. Extra whiskey to his cat. Ray wants to give some more beatings to Sting and Jeff Hardy. Bobby Roode says that his actions last week was naughty. He’s on Sting’s naughty list. Kinda perverted. He wants Sting to grace them with his presence. He wants Sting to tell him that he is suspended. What? Show your authority, Roode wants Sting to do. More “Hardy” chants. Jeff’s music plays. Out comes the rainbow wrestler. Jeff Hardy will challenge Bobby Roode for the TNA title at Genesis. Jeff is wearing a pink belt for those at home keeping score. I smell a tag match tonight though. Hardy tells Bobby to not worry about getting suspended tonight. In three weeks he will take the title. He will end the Selfish Generation. Hardy will have a partner of his choice against Bobby Roode and Bully Ray tonight. Ray says to Jeff that Hardy has no friends. He’s not like him. Hardy hugs a girl at ringside. Jeff is an outcast Bully yells at him. Sting’s music hits. Oh swell. Sting backpedals his way down the ramp. His face is painted! Insane Icon style. He is wearing a Jeff Hardy shirt, too. Sting says that Jeff is loved all over the world. The girls go nuts. Sting loves him as well. Our main event is set for tonight! Street fight! Roode and Ray are mad. Commercial time.
Pervy Knockouts commercial airs.
Wild Card Tag Team Tournament Quarterfinal: AJ Styles/Kazarian vs. Rob Van Dam/Christopher Daniels
Ah, so Daniels and RVD just happened to be teamed together. Like the old Lethal Lottery where feuding guys accidentally got teamed together. Should make for nice TV though. Daniels and RVD come out together. Daniels walks past RVD. Imagine this bout seven years ago. Haven’t seen Kazarian wrestle on TV in awhile. RVD starts the tag team bout with Kazarian. They lock-up. Wristlock by RVD. Abyss/Scott Steiner and Samoa Joe/Magnus have advanced thus far. Drop toe hold by Kazarian into a side headlock. Crowd claps. RVD gets out, then they exchange deep armdrags before a stand off. Styles tags in. Daniels argues with RVD. RVD stays in the ring. Daniels says, “I beat him. You can beat him…maybe.” Headlock by RVD. Dropkick by AJ after a series of counters. AJ sends him into the corner, but reversed, AJ leapfrogs, catches an elbow, then RVD hits a thrust kick into AJ’s face. RVD goes to tag in Daniels, but he’s yelling at the crowd. Styles tags in Kazarian. Double team spinning kick by Kazarian for a two count. Kazarian gets an Irish whip then monkey flipped by RVD. RVD is then rolled up for another two count. Headlock take down by Kazarian. Tag into AJ. Punches into a suplex by AJ for a near fall. Forearm by Styles. RVD fights out. Kicks AJ right in the face. Rolling Thunder attempted, but Daniels slaps RVD. Daniels is legal. He catches a kick and a clothesline by Kazarian. Back body drop by Kazarian. Russian leg sweep. Two count for Kazarian. Daniels tries to tag RVD, but gets kicked in the face by RVD. Kazarian hits the Fade to Black and pins Daniels. **1/2. Fun match. AJ and Kazarian are no doubt favorites in this tournament. They celebrate their first round victory. Commercial again.
Anthony Neese background is shown. He thinks the X-Division is the best athletes in the world. The speed that people want. He will dominate the division. He will outsmart everyone. He is powerful.
Zema Ion’s background is next. He is the prettiest wrestler in TNA. It’s all about “Me, Myself, and Ion”.
Best of Three Series Match Two: Anthony Neese vs. Zema Ion
Ion won last week. Neese wants revenge to tie it up. Winner advances into a four-way match at Genesis for the X-Division title. Must win match for Neese. Ion dropkicks him on the floor before the bell. Asai moonsault off the ropes onto the floor. Ion poses. Both are in the ring now. Ion is an obvious heel now. Neese Hurricanrana him over, but is rolled through. Ion uppercuts Neese. Kick to the face by Neese. Elbow by Neese and a springboard crossbody block for a two count. Neese claps. Suplex blocked, but Neese trips him on the floor. Misses a backflip. Sunset Flip countered with a kick in the head and moonsault by Neese. Crowd claps getting into it. Clothesline by Neese. German suplex by Neese into a bridge for two. Crowd really into it. Neese misses a springboard clothesline. Knee to the face by Ion. Zema taunts him some more. Uppercut on the top rope by Neese. Top rope hurricanrana. Kickout at two by Ion. Neese is in shock. Weird reverse powerbomb by Ion. Impressive, but weird. Ion lifts Neese’s head up again at two like last week. Neese rolls up Ion and pins him! **. About on par with last week, but with a worse finish. This series will go to a third match. They are tied at 1.
Backstage Madison Rayne has a huge announcement to make. “From this point forward, IMPACT wrestling will NEVER be the same”. Rayne has been appointed Vice President of the Knockouts Division per Karen Angle. She is wearing a referee outfit. Rayne says you aren’t going to want to miss this. Commercial break number three.
More perverted Knockouts commercials. Keep ’em coming. More!
The Pope is in the back and says he’s cool with Devon. He was Devon’s big brother. He was being a father to Devon. He is a father to the fatherless. Husband to the husbandless. Pope is pimpin’. If Pope dresses better than you, don’t hate. Devon aspires to be like Pope. Pretty much Pope is better than Devon. Devon’s sons know it. Pope vs. Devon at Genesis. Devon comes into the segment. Pope is scared. Devon is messing with him. Devon slams Pope into a wall. Devon’s sons hit him Devon with a chair. Pope slaps Devon. Pope calls the kids “my boys”. Pope tells Devon they won’t see his black behind again. That’s racist.
Eric Young and ODB are at a dinner wanting beer. Young thinks it is a date. They have a match tonight in the tag tournament. ODB wants ranch. Young calls Anarquia “Antartica”. Great. Young locks up with the waiter. Young is nervous about their first date. Young goes to the bathroom.
Madison Rayne is on her way to the squared circle. Commercial break number four. Yee haw.
One half of the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Madison Rayne is coming down the ramp in a referee shirt. One of my favorite theme songs in wrestle. No homo, I guess. Taz calls her “ravishing”. Rayne wants Tara and Miss Tessmacher to get to the ring “NOW!”. Here they come! Booties everywhere. Rayne tells them that Karen officially appointed her as the new Executive Vice President of the Knockouts. Crowd chants “U.S.A.”. Crowd then chants “T-N-T”. Rayne was told to destroy the people beneath her. Tara will wrestle Brooke Tessmacher tonight on IMPACT. “You suck!” chant towards Rayne. Crowd is going bananas. Rayne will be the guest referee. The match starts after the next commercial break.
Tara vs. Brooke Tessmacher
Tara and Tessmacher look like they don’t want to wrestle, but they do. They fake wrestle for a bit. Even yelling ouchies. Rayne threatens to fire both of them. The two finally lockup. Sunset flip by Tessmacher, they trade pins rolling back and forth. Rayne even counted a two count when no one was on their back. More “U.S.A.” chants. Taz laughs. Lock up again. Taz notes that everyone in the ring is American. Rayne tries to instigate a fight. Lock up for a third time. Wristlocks some more. Cartwheels and reversals. Tessmacher shoves Tara. This is bad. Snapmare by Tessmacher and a kick to the back. Rayne claps for Tessmacher. Guy in the crowd tries to start a “this match sucks” chant. Fails. Crowd claps half-heartedly. Tara throws Tessmacher down by her lucious brown hair. Tessmacher tackles Tara. Now they are rolling around and choking each other. Clothesline by Tessmacher. Tessmacher gets clotheslined next. Tara tries to pick her up, but more clotheslines and a dropkick by Tessmacher. Flying crossbody block by Tessmacher. Really slow count by Rayne. for two. The two end up double face bustering each other. Madison counts slowly once again. The two get up. They argue. They then both elbow Rayne in the face. Tara and Tessmacher hug each other. After, they are “Tebowing”. Absolute DUD. Big juicy fart. Worst match of the year. By FAR. Absolutely horrendous. No winner.
Jeff Hardy and Sting say that there will be history tonight. Sting has always wanted to team with Hardy. They are marks for each other. Sting believes in second chances. Jeff expected Sting to come and back him up. They are ready. Commercial break strikes again.
Eric Young is in the kitchen at a restaurant looking for a gift to give to ODB. He finds mustard. Young ties up with a chef. He grabs a cup holder and calls it a European Foot Massager. She needs a fan because she is so hot.
James Storm comes down the ramp. Storm sips his beer. He hears Kurt Angle running around wondering where James Storm is. Storm says he is either in the IMPACT Wrestling Zone or down at the local bar. Storm came out to the ring like a man and told Kurt that he was not scared of him or intimidated. Storm says Angle got Tim Tebow’ed in the fourth quarter of their match. Second Tebow reference tonight. Storm got the job done at the PPV. A video on the tron comes on. Angle is in Leipers Fork, Tennessee with a cowboy hat on and dressed like an old western cowboy. Angle insults a girl in the bar then spits in her face. He’s drinking moonshine. Angle says “howdy” to Storm who is in the arena. Angle then tells Storm “sorry about their damn luck”, referencing the people in the bar.
Shannon Moore is walking backstage talking saying he will do what he is known to do, fight and win. He respects women as well. Commercial McGee attacks us.
Bully Ray tells the camera man that two of the best performers in the ring will tag together tonight against Jeff Hardy and Sting in a street fight. This is right up his New York City alley. Bobby tells Sting that he will get his and Jeff will get a taste of what he will receive at Genesis. Ray guarantees someone will go through a table.
Wild Card Tag Team Tournament Quarterfinal: Eric Young/ODB vs. Shannon Moore/Anarquia with Sarita and Rosita
Another strange tag team of Anarquia and Moore. Wonder how long it will take for Eric Young to take his pants off. They march their way to the ring. Young got scared by the pyro like the good old days. Young locks up with an audience member. ODB in a men’s tag match. Meh…..okay. Young’s pants are still on. Young grabs the refs butt. Eric starts off with Anarquia. Young does a random cartwheel. “Let’s go Eric!” chant. Young headlocks Anarquia. Shoulder block by Young. He claps. He then surfs on the back of Anarquia. Moore tags in. Young claps some more. Moore chases Eric. Eric leaves the ring. He slaps some moves on Sarita. Tie up with Sarita. Classic Eric. Young takes his pants off. Yes! Young back in the ring punches Anarquia. Pinfall attempt. Two count. ODB runs in. Anarquia attacks Young from behind. Elbow to the face of Young. Pinfall attempt by Anarquia for a near fall. Bodyslam by Anarquia. He tags in Shannon. Two count. Punches by Moore. Elbow by Moore once again. He wrings the neck. Tag into Anarquia. Moore and Anarquia push each other. ODB wants in. Young boots Anarquia off. ODB is tagged in! She is then bodyslammed by Anarquia. Shannon comes in and pushes Anarquia. They push back and forth. Moore leaves the ring. ODB slaps Anarquia in the chest. Chops galore. Slap the face. ODB bodyslams Anarquia. Young hits the top rope elbow drop. Young ties up with Earl Hebner. Low blow by ODB on Anarquia for the pinfall! *1/2. Funny comedy match. Eric Young is greatness. ODB lifts up Earl Hebner.
Up next is the main event! Of course after a commercial break.
In the back Matt Morgan and Crimson recap the four teams that have advanced. They laugh at all of the tag teams. They are puzzled as to why anyone would want to wrestle them. Morgan says they’ll take on any tag team, any time, anywhere.
Kurt Angle is at the bar still. He beats up the bar folk with a pool cue. He has a fake gun in his hand. He hits someone over the head with it. Angle is wearing chaps. He puts a guy through a table. Angle sits all the guys he beat up in chairs next to each other and kicks them all one by one in the face ala James Storm. They all fall down. Angle then throws the Christmas tree at them. All while Western music plays in the background. Angle is coming to Genesis and bringing hell with him. Nice.
Street fight: TNA World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Roode/Bully Ray vs. Jeff Hardy/Sting
Ray poses his calves on the entrance ramp and grabs a Kendo stick. January 8th is Genesis for those who are wondering. Roode and Ray high five each other. Ray hands Bobby a Kendo stick. There are weapons all over ringside. Only Hardy’s music plays as the two come to the ring wearing Hardy shirts from earlier. First time Hardy and Sting have teamed. They crash the ring and pair off with Bully and Roode. Hardy is slugging it up with Roode. Sting with Bully Ray. Punching mostly. Sting and Ray go to the floor. Hardy mounts Roode in the corner and punches. Sting sends Ray into a guardrail. Slams his head into the steps next. Roode sends Hardy into the corner face first. Split screen again like the old WCW did. Sting connects with a garbage can to Bully’s skull. Hardy sends Roode to the floor now. Post job for Ray’s head. Kick to Roode’s face who is on the floor by Hardy. Hardy and Sting stand strong in the ring. Both slingshot themselves over the top rope onto Roode and Bully Ray! Commercial break. Hopefully the last.
We are back from break. Sting and Bully Ray are beating each other up on the ramp Hardy and Roode are doing the same. Roode is sent into the rail. Sting has a garbage can again. Ray is begging him not to hit him. Roode is sent shoulder first into the steps by Hardy. Garbage can shot by Sting. Ray then hits Sting with a Kendo stick. Roode and Ray both have Kendo sticks. They are beating down Hardy and Sting. Roode clocks Hardy with a cookie sheet. Ray clotheslined Sting with the Kendo stick. Roode chokes Hardy with the Kendo stick. Ray puts a lid on the privates of Sting then clubs it with a Kendo stick. Hardy eats the steps on the floor. Trash can lid to the noggin’ of Sting and Hardy. Bully Ray spits in the air and catches it in his mouth. Ray punches Sting in the stomach. Sting super-plexes Bully Ray off the top rope! Wow! Roode is still pounding on Jeff on the floor. Two count for Sting in the ring. Roode comes in stomping Sting. Roode helps Bully up to his feet. More Kendo shots by Bobby Roode to Sting. Near fall for Roode. Bully Ray has the chain on the floor. He slams the chain onto Hardy’s left leg. Ouch. Roode moons Sting in the stomach with the Kendo stick inside the ring. Ray chokes Hardy with the chain on the floor. Roode gets two in the ring on Sting. Bully throws the chain into Bobby in the ring. He is countered by Sting. Sting punches and kicks the champ. Sting misses a Stinger Splash. Bully Ray chases the referee out of the ring. Roode kicks Hardy on the floor. Ray slams Sting onto the trash can. Elbow drop by Bully Ray for a two count. Roode and Bully are in the ring, but miss clotheslining Sting and hit each other. Scorpion Deathdrop by Sting. Spine Buster by Roode. Kick by Hardy. Boot by Bully Ray in the face of Jeff. Bully Rays retrieves a table. He slides it into the ring. Roode sets it up with him. They set up a double suplex, but Sting moves the table out of the way. Hardy still eats the suplex though. Sting splashes Bully Ray and Bobby Roode. Scorpion Deathlock by Sting on Bully Ray! Roode gets nailed in the stomach. Scorpion Deathdrop by Sting to Roode. Sting and Hardy setup the table. Hardy goes to get another table because the first one is partially broken. Bully Ray eats a boot. Hardy sets up the new table. Roode is placed on said table. Hardy climbs to the top rope. Frog Splash off the top through the table! Hardy pins the champion! ***1/2. Really strong match. Non-stop action. Hardy and Sting pose with each other. The painted superstars stand tall.
Fun show. I thought tonight would be throw-away because of it being so close to Christmas, but TNA brought it tonight. Really strong show.
