The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 01.02.12

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 01.02.12

Live from Memphis, TN.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

John Cena joins us to start, talking about his New Year’s resolutions.  They include wearing less underwear and banning his father from TV.  What a hero.  So yeah, he’ll still kick the Rock’s ass and keep fighting back, even if he’s getting fire thrown in his face and stuff.  And he yet again gives the pandering “You can all boo me if you want because you paid your money to be here” speech that makes him look like such a puss and makes people hate him even more.  Back in the 80s, Eddie Ellner used to rag on Barry Windham in PWI, calling him “Pandering Twit” until he turned heel, and that’s exactly what John Cena has turned into.  He actually THANKS the fans for booing him, but Kane thankfully interrupts this god-awful segment and promises to make Cena embrace the dark side…TONIGHT.  Probably at the 11:00 hour.

Daniel Bryan v. Cody Rhodes

It kind of drives me nuts that they throw out the World v. IC titleholder matches on RAW as a way to build up two different matches for Smackdown, so someone has to do a job leading into their title match.  Bryan throws kicks in the corner, but Cody goes to the arm and works on that.  By the way, according to the graphic, “Flight of the Valkyries” is available EXCLUSIVELY on ITunes.  Now, I know that it’s referring to Daniel Bryan’s particular mix of the song, but it just reads like such a ludicrous statement on their part, as if the song isn’t already more than a century old.  Cody gets the sliding punch, but Bryan dumps him and goes up.  He misses and Cody gets the Beautiful Disaster for two.  Front suplex, but Bryan reverses a second attempt into a small package for the pin at 3:20.  This was fine, but Bryan’s celebration for what should have been an easy win makes him come off as such a geek.  **

Meanwhile, the Miz seeks assistance from Johnny Ace, but gets little sympathy.  Ace books him against Sheamus and tells him that it’s better to be a sitting duck than a lame duck.

Wade Barrett, fresh off putting Randy Orton on the shelf, comes out to celebrate, but Santino interrupts.

Wade Barrett v. Santino

Santino wants fisticuffs to start and that goes badly for him, but Wade misses a charge.  Santino goes for the Cobra, but Wade hits the Bossman slam for the pin at 1:18.  I think the fatal error was yelling out “COBRA!” before doing the move.  It kind of telegraphs it.  ½*  I like the sideslam as a finisher better than the Wasteland, actually.

Meanwhile, The Miz gets between the bickering Bellas, still paranoid about R-Truth.

The Miz v. Sheamus

I think it’s telling when they play the theme songs for both guys and you can’t tell the difference.  Miz attacks before the bell with the DDT, then ties him up in the ropes, but even with one arm Sheamus still kicks the shit out of him.  He gets an insane amount of forearms on the apron and Miz runs away, further enhancing his badass image makeover.  R-Truth finds him in the crowd and Miz runs away AGAIN, this time walking right into the Brogue Kick from Sheamus.  And then Truth kicks his ass for the second week in a row.

Meanwhile, Dolph Ziggler cuts a great promo about the impending title match.

Meanwhile, Zack Ryder continues macking on Eve Torres and gets into a dork-off with Jack Swagger, which prompts Johnny Ace to make that match for TONIGHT.  Well, at least a six-man elimination tag.

WWE title:  CM Punk v. Dolph Ziggler

They do some mat wrestling to start and Punk gets a backbreaker for two.  Ziggler pounds away in the corner, but misses the elbow, allowing Punk to come back with five legdrops, which gets two.  Ziggler catches him with a stungun to take over and adds a neckbreaker for two.  This time the elbow hits and gets two.  Ziggler bails, and then suckers Punk into a dive attempt, which he blocks with an elbow and turns into a necksnap on the ropes.  That’s pretty awesome.  Back in, that gets two.  And we take a break.  Back with them slugging it out, but Punk reverses the sleeper attempt into a backdrop suplex for two.  Punk charges and hits an elbow, but recovers with a powerslam for two.  Ziggler rolls him up for two, but Punk reverses, and Ziggler rolls through into a fameasser for two.  Ziggler with a corner splash into an inverted powerslam for two.  Punk comes back with the running knee into the bulldog for two, but Johnny Ace comes out and points out a turnbuckle that was knocked loose during the match.  Punk hooks the Anaconda Vice during the discussion, then stupidly releases without the ref’s OK.  Ziggler charges and hits Ace, and Punk hits the floor as a result.  This gives us the fastest countout in recorded history at 12:00, and another over-the-top celebration from Ziggler.  Seems to be building to a Royal Rumble title match.  Good stuff here, as I was really getting into the near-falls before the silly finish.  ***1/4

The Bella Twins v. Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres

Kelly attacks a Bella and gives her the stinkface to start, but the Bellas double-team her in the corner and get two.  Eve gets a hot (?) tag  and cleans house, then gets a terrible springboard kick on Nikki and a moonsault for two.  The twins switch and get the dastardly win at 2:00.  Your usual bathroom break Divas match.  DUD  The girls dispute who exactly is the loser afterwards, and the matter is left open to future debate.

Meanwhile, CM Punk confronts Ace and Otunga, and learns that he’s defending against Dolph at Royal Rumble, with Ace as special ref.

And now, the end of the world.  And the mystery man is…Chris Jericho.  What, a wrestler LIE to his fans?  On TWITTER?  Anyway, he celebrates his return for a long, long time with goofy babyface mannerisms, and he doesn’t actually say anything, finally walking out after an eternity with the crowd turning on him.  Spinal Tap once said that there’s a fine between stupidity and genius, and this was walking that line.  I think that the over-the-top promos were intended as a parody of exactly those sort of promos, and really there’s no deeper meaning behind any of them besides Jericho fucking with people.  If so, he’s a great man.  Jericho as delusional genius could be pretty awesome, though, especially if he’s programmed against CM Punk.

John Cena, Zack Ryder & Big Show v. Mark Henry, Jack Swagger & Kane

This is elimination rules, as poor Mark Henry gets flown to ANOTHER show with a torn groin.  David Otunga comes out and informs us that Kane isn’t actually here, so the heels are 3-on-2.  So Swagger starts with Cena, who drops an elbow for two.  Dropkick gets two.  We take a break and return with Swagger holding a facelock, but both sides make the tag.  Show and Henry slug it out, and Henry bails off a shoulderblock, prompting Big Show to hit him with a chair, and both guys are counted out at 5:34.  So it’s Swagger by himself, and he quickly falls victim to a Broski boot, but counters the Rough Rider with the anklelock.  Ryder makes the tag to escape and Cena beats on Swagger like the proverbial rented mule and finishes at 7:15.  What the hell was the point of that match, exactly?  Kane’s pyro hits again and Cena stupidly goes towards it, allowing Kane to appear from under the ring and smother Cena again.  With Cena out, Kane goes after Zack Ryder, dragging him into the hole, but Cena recovers from oxygen deprivation in time to make the save.  And just in time, too, because the ring explodes in a giant fireball where Kane went down!  Well that would have been a bit of a downer ending, what with the US champion nearly perishing in a horrific supernatural inferno and all.  I’d kind of prefer if they’d use an actual woman as John Cena’s helpless damsel in distress for the horror movie they’re trying to make here.  I’m old-fashioned that way.  However, if next week they book a wedding between Ryder and Cena, only to have the minister unmask as Kane (still wearing the mask under the minister mask) and chokeslam both guys through the ring, I’ll take all the bad things back.

Wrestling, ladies and gentlemen.

This show was…something.  Next week:  Brodus Clay debuts!

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