Hello and welcome good readers of InsidePulse.com to my first ever column to be featured on this fabulous website. Well, second actually but that’s not the point. The point is that this is the column that YOU, the fans, made happen. That’s right. Originally the powers-that-be wanted nothing to do with me despite the large public outcry. Thanks to your constant death threats and violent protesting, I’ll now be a featured columnist. Way to go! Who says democracy is a form of government in which the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised directly by them or by their elected agents under a free electoral system?
So because everybody that isn’t me is stupid, there seems to be a considerable amount of confusion anytime I write anything. For instance, people seem to think I hate all the entertainmentsers employed by WWE. That’s simply not true. They all come off as really nice people. And they all appear to be in good shape with a general understanding of how to perform entertainments in and out of a wrestling ring. Well, all except those ‘Diva’ ones. They are fighting over a pink butterfly for fuck’s sake. I do like them all though. Everyone serves their purpose. It’s you morons I have the problem with. I think it comes down to a lack of understanding.
See, people like to discuss sports, but there really isn’t anything like WWE in sports. So fans of WWE read a few things on the internet and try to discuss the WWE programs like it’s still the 70s and they are running an NWA affliated promotion. When I read things like ‘so and so is recieving a push and has the IT factor and he should win the title and face pop heel turn over vanilla midget draw’ I actually see ‘I have no fucking idea what I’m talking about’. You think you are giving a valid opinion about something when in reality you are just being wrong. You think I’m offering a different opinion when in reality I’m just being right. Got it? No? Okay, then I’ll try to explain again.
Morons, I want you to read this paragraph very carefully. Read this paragraph more carefully than any other paragraph you have ever read in your entire life. I promise it will help you. There are no more pushes. There are no more faces. There are no more heels tying up their bootlaces. There are no pops or draws or marks. There are no vanilla midgets, it factors, or smarks. Nobody is over and there are no more tags. They don’t come in packages, boxes, or bags. There is no Santa Claus. There is no Kelly Clarkson. If she didn’t win a karaoke contest, she’d be working a Wal-Mart in…some city that rhymes with Clarkson. It’s just a TV show with a big ensemble cast. But there’s only a few stars that rarely are surpassed. So Cody and Henry and Ziggler and Shaemus, they will never be stars no matter how much you beg us. It doesn’t matter that Cena is good or acts evil. If they released him tomorrow there would be no upheaval. If the Simpsons feature a storyline based around Patty and Selma, that doesn’t mean they are getting main event spots at Wrestlemania. Got in now?
In WWE the stars were John Cena and Randy Orton. That’s bad. But CM Punk has replaced John Cena as the star of WWE’s RAW program. That’s good. But Randy Orton is still the star of WWE’s Smackdown program. That’s bad. But Randy Orton is hurt. That’s good. But he will probably be back soon. That’s bad. But Daniel Bryan is the Smackdown Champion or whatever the fuck they call that belt. That’s good. But the belts don’t matter anymore and Daniel Bryan is still a chump. That’s bad. But Chris Jericho just came back. That’s good. But he’s a mute now. That’s bad. But all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration and we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively because there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we all are just the imagination of ourselves. That’s…hmmm? So there are some signs of improvement in WWE. That’s good. But it’s still a pretty terrible entertainment program. That’s bad. But it’s all we have on TV. That’s unfortunate. Unless you want to watch TNA. That’s just crazy.
Will complaining make WWE’s programming any better? Probably not. WWE doesn’t really like any of their fans and they certainly aren’t listening to them. I guess WWE and I have that in common. So what should we do? I think we should brainstorm and come up with ways in which WWE can improve their entertainments. They wouldn’t possibly turn down good advice right? Especially if it’s free? I’ll start…
1. STOP WITH THE TWITTER NONSENSE
In theory embracing a new social technology in order to promote your business is a good idea. The problem however is twofold. The first problem is many of the entertainmentsers employed by WWE are too stupid to use Twitter in an adult manner. For instance, Michael Cole uses it to make homosexual slurs to his co-workers. That slow adult from NXT uses it to show off pictures of his penis. Beth Phoenix uses it to challenge some unfunny bitch who thinks she is a comedian to an entertainment match, only to have all women wrestlers embarassed on national television by said unfunny bitch, and then uses it to confirm she’s too stupid to realize she and her co-divas now look like childish fools. You’d think CM Punk, the WWE’s one bright spot, would get some use out of this Twitter thing right? Nope. He doesn’t even like Twitter. He just uses it to take pictures of the inside of his refridgerator. I doubt he’d even do that if WWE didn’t require him to have a Twitter feed. Is it called a feed? I don’t know. I don’t use Twitter and I sure hope InsidePulse doesn’t ask me to start one.
The second problem is WWE itself is too stupid to use Twitter. When Chris Jericho made his triumphant return to RAW, WWE was sure to let us know over and over and over and over and over and over again that Chris Jericho was trending on Twitter. He’s a Trendy Twitter Topic! I took a look at what else is trending on Twitter right now. Let’s see, we have #10Bandsilove, #100thingsihate, #1ThingIFindSexy, #ReasonsILoveYou, #PalabrasQueDuelen, and my personal favorite, #WhitePeopleProblems. So in otherwords, trending on Twitter means jack shit. And the audience knows it. If you tell them that trending on Twitter DOES mean something, they aren’t going to believe it. And much like an old lady attempting to send some person they don’t know in Morocco a few thousand dollars, there is no fortune to be made here. So if there is no money to be made, and no exposure being gained outside of your already addicted fanbase, and a series of problems due to inappropriate usage of the technology, then what is there to be gained?
I personally blame Ashton Kutcher for all of this. I wish we could trick him into thinking he is on a new reality show where celebrities work for NASA and blast him into outer space like The Marvel Universe did to The Incredible Hulk. It’s the first step to Utopia.
2. DROP THE PG NONSENSE AND BRING ON THE SEX AND VIOLENCE
Here is one I’m sure fans at first aren’t going to agree with. I understand. The argument being that it’s entirely possible to make an entertaining show that isn’t loaded with gore and boobs. I agree with that completely. The problem is WWE isn’t capable of doing it.
What were the two best PPV shows WWE did in 2011? The TLC PPV and the Extreme Rules PPV, which I affectionately refer to as The Apology For Wrestlemania PPV. Both of those PPVs featured heavily gimmicked matches where the entertainmentsers used dangerous weapons in order to kill each other. In fact WWE.com listed their top 25 matches of 2011. What was number 1? The Undertaker vs. HHH at Wrestlemania, which was also the only match all year in which the participants bladed. The ‘Divas’ division did nothing in 2011 but disappoint fans. Did you also notice that all of those ‘Diva’ matches featured zero boobs? Not even a nip slip. COINCIDENCE?!? I think not.
I wish the WWE had a competent writing staff that could write quality PG programming. But they don’t even have a competent writing staff. Their idea of family programming is running the show like Teletubbies. You know, the goofy names like LAA LAA and REY REY. The bright and colorful costumes. Replaying things you saw just minutes before. Storylines only an infant would accept as sensible. A sentient Sun/General Manager that oversees the playful activity of all the little Teletubbies/Superstars in the Tubbytronic Superdome/WWE Universe. Teletubbies is geared for children between the ages of one and four. Are you between the ages of one and four? Of course not. If you were, you wouldn’t be able to read this. You would just be drooling and shitting in your diaper as you try to master the art of walking.
WWE can’t do it, they know they can’t do it, they are telling you can’t do it, Linda McMahon is not going to be able to avoid the taint of WWE as she continues her political career, and the rest of the world will always consider WWE a redneck soap opera no matter how many bright purple shirts they print with Cena’s Daily Affermations. I say embrace it! The worst deception is self-deception.
3. CHILL OUT WITH THE COMMERCIALS
I am not referring to the commercials that the network plays. Those are unavoidable and WWE needs to make money in order to operate. It’s not like they can last just selling Randy Orton T-shirts. I’m referring to the mass amount of time dedicated to live commercials WWE does during their own show. I’m not going to buy a CD of some band because Michael Cole suggests it. That guy has no credibility left. If I was on fire and Michael Cole suggested a fire extinguisher to use, I’d still need a couple of minutes to consider it. I’m not going to buy a video game because we get to watch a video presentation of Michael Cole beating up Daniel Bryan. And I’m not rushing out to a Subway Sandwich Shop because The Miz does a live commercial in-ring while their idiot spokesman sits in the crowd pretending he is a celebrity.
Every year, networks add more and more commercial time while limiting the time programs are allotted. And WWE fans all have their own personal favorites. There is only so much time each entertainmentser can get. Who wants to watch a two hour show where you get to see something you like for maybe two minutes? And that’s if you are lucky. I’m also not saying the show should be two hours of matches. That honestly would bore me to tears. I’m just saying devote the time you have to your show…ON YOUR SHOW!
The one thing I don’t have any problem with is when WWE shows footage of their Tribute To The Troops show. It’s not like they are selling anything. They just want a little positive PR footage. And I love all our boys and girls risking their lives to defend this great country. If they want to spend a few minutes showing that, or they want to feature a few of our troops sitting in the crowd, I think that’s fantastic.
But that STAND UP FOR WWE bullshit? Fuck Linda and her disguised political commercials. I don’t even live in her state. I don’t think anyone lives there!
4. FIRE MICHAEL COLE AND LET BOOKER T TAKE OVER HIS WWE DUTIES
How can every episode of RAW or Smackdown be historic? How many times can you announce a title match by saying ‘NEVER BEFORE HAVE WE FEATURED A TITLE MATCH’ and expect the audience to believe it? Where does this idiot get off calling ANYONE a nerd? What the hell does ‘Goosebumps’ even mean? Does anyone like Cole? Has anyone ever liked Cole? Is he necessary to the show in any way at all? Do you realize that Cole is featured on WWE programming more than any other personality because he does commentary on every single match on every single show WWE produces? Have you ever watched a WWE show featuring Michael Cole where he didn’t annoy you in some fashion? Can I complete this entire paragraph with nothing but questions? Can I?!?
Again, this isn’t like old school wrestling. It’s not like you are going to the local arena to see him irritate you so much that you want to come back next month and watch some guy pretend to beat him up. And the few times WWE had someone pretend to beat him up, nobody cared. Believe it or not, we have this magical device called a ‘remote control’ now. If he starts to be annoying, it’s very easy to use this amazing invention to just change the channel. If fact, many former WWE fans have done just that over the years. Maybe WWE’s master plan is to get everyone to stop watching. If so, then Michael Cole is definetely a step in the right direction.
If the WWE is trying to get viewers though, Michael Cole needs to go. I think that’s something all fans can get behind. I say Booker T is the perfect replacement. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking Booker T is insane. That’s true. But that’s also why he is the perfect replacement. Crazy people are entertaining. That’s just a undeniable fact. How can you not enjoy commentary like this…
Are you not entertained? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?
5. PUT THIS GUY ON THE SHOW
This one speaks for itself…
You start featuring this guy and we are talking NCSI numbers here people. WWE might even be able to hit that elusive 4.0.
And with that I conclude this article, the only wrestling column on the internet that gives you Bill Hicks references. Do you have any other ideas in which WWE can improve? Any suggestions or critisms? Do you just want to yell at me and call me childish? Then please leave a comment below.
Thank you and keep on FIST PUMPIN’ my dudes and my ladies.