Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 1.13.12 (Bryan vs Big Show II)

Well, it’s been an interesting week, to say the least. We started things off with the debut of the Funkasaurus, then headed into Wednesday when my ex-girlfriend’s dad passed away, and now here we are on Friday Saturday with another edition of Smackdown. Hopefully my week can end on a high note.

Let’s get things started with the World Heavyweight Champion, Daniel Bryan, as he makes his way to the ring. Booker T is back at the commentary table so’s we can get all “ducky ducky shucky” or whatever the hell he said that one time. DB talks out of both sides of his mouth, complimenting Big Show while also mocking him. He agrees that last week’s DQ finish was terrible and that Big Show deserves a rematch. He tells the fans that everyone on the message boards was wrong in claiming he intentionally pushed Mark Henry to get disqualified. DB blames Henry for ruining what he calls a “great match” and this brings out ol’ fatass himself. Booker T defends Bryan’s actions last week and I can’t believe how the face announcers continue to do this. Henry says that he’s banned from ringside tonight but if he stays out of the way, he gets a title shot next week.

Wow. It is going to be quite bizarre to hear the crowd cheer for Mark Henry next week, provided DB survives with the belt tonight. I like how Bryan acts like a true competitor on the mic, but uses heel tactics to win out of desperation. Now can we get some quality opponents to make him a badass?

Justin Gabriel vs Heath Slater
This match came about due to Gabriel’s interference last week when he got involved in Slater’s attack on Hornswoggle. Headlock from Gabriel to Slater as the bell rings, into a running shoulder block and arm drag from the face. Slater nails Gabriel in the face with a forearm and clothesline. Gabriel regains momentum but a leap off the second rope into an atomic drop grounds the high flier. Slater traps Gabriel in the corner, followed by an Irish whip into the opposite corner where the momentum forces Gabriel to back into a neckbreaker. Pin attempt gets a two count so Slater complains before climbing the turnbuckle. Hornswoggle shows up and this distracts Slater long enough for Gabriel to drop his opponent and nail the 450 Splash for the win.

And now here to boost my spirits is AJ, backstage chatting it up with her boyfriend. She says how proud she is of him and, “win, lose, or draw, I love you.” Awww. Guess who’s getting some tail after the main event?

I’m guessing Heath Slater is regretting his Wellness violation by now. See why pot doesn’t pay?

Royal Rumble Recap: 1998. The year Stone Cold Steve Austin revolutionized the WWE. Incidentally, Scott Keith just brought his recap out of mothballs so why not check it out? No, not yet! AFTER you finish my review, you impulsive bastards.

Here comes Cody Rhodes to gloat to the WWE Universe. Since we’re in Laredo, Cody makes the prerequisite Mexican jokes before mentioning that he’s been Intercontinental Champion for 5 months. He then name drops Pedro Morales and Tito Santana and then actually says “I’m going to pull an Ultimate Warrior.” Before I can even make a joke about that, he says what he means is that he’ll hold both the IC and World Heavyweight Championship at the same time this year after winning the Royal Rumble. Before Cody can say any more, Big Zeke shows up to job.

Cody Rhodes vs Ezekiel Jackson
Zeke starts off by dominating Cody, but a suplex attempt from the apron to the ring is foiled, allowing Rhodes to drop Jackson with a DDT. Cody kicks and punches the holy hell out of Zeke as the announcers bicker about Booker T’s loss last week. Zeke gets his second wind and pounds Rhodes into the corner (non-sexually). Cody dodges a Torture Rack, nails Beautiful Disaster and Cross Rhodes, and we have our winner.

So this new show on SyFy called “Lost Girl” is about a succubus? Sign me up!

Mathews and Cole recap the video package we got last week of Edge’s announced induction into the Hall of Fame and I can’t think of anyone more deserving. What Punk said was true…if Edge didn’t take the ball and run with it when he won Money in the Bank, quite a few guys wouldn’t have realized their dreams.

Santino and Teddy Long are backstage and Santino has some revolutionary match ideas for Smackdown.

1. A cage within a cage within a cage.
2. Overturn Jack Tunney’s decision to keep reptiles away from ringside.
3. A reverse battle royal where the winner has to get INTO the ring. Wait, that actually happened in TNA, right?

Before we can hear more, David Otunga shows up with his coffee Thermos. I’m still trying to figure out if Vince is mocking all attorneys or just one in particular with that prop. Anywho, Otunga says that Laurinaitis sent him to Smackdown to ask Teddy Long who will be participating in the Royal Rumble this year from the blue show. Aww, he even made a list of pros and cons for each Superstar so Teddy didn’t have to. Santino suggests a match between himself and Otunga so Teddy agrees. Someone knocks on the door and Teddy thinks it’s Aksana. Therefore, logic dictates that it’s not. It’s Drew McIntyre, but before he can say anything Teddy reminds him that his time is almost up.

I have a dreadful feeling that this will be the last night I recap a Drew McIntyre match.

Drew McIntyre vs Ted DiBiase
Before the match begins, Hunico and Camacho show up on the ramp. Drew hits a big boot while Ted is distracted. DiBiase gets back on track and sends Drew to the outside, then nails a suicide dive that sends McIntyre right into the announce table. Drew fights back and sends Ted back-first into the apron. The action goes back to the ring with McIntyre in control, but DiBiase soon turns the tables and hits a flurry of offense. Ted jumps off the second rope but lands right into a clothesline! Drew attempts a back suplex off the top rope but he gets crotched on the ropes and Dream Street ends things for Drew.

That’s strike three, if I’m not mistaken.

Sheamus vs Jinder Mahal
I don’t get why the WWE is promoting this like it’ll be something more than a glorified squash. Mahal hasn’t had a match longer than three minutes since he showed up in the company, which tells me he’s still green. Sheamus beats the fuck out of Jinder as every attempt the heel makes to get in some offense is countered. Mahal gets sent to the outside and Sheamus puts him back in the ring to nail his shoulder tackle from the apron to the ring. Mahal stops Sheamus’s signature pounding blows in the ropes, followed by a knee to the head and a neckbreaker. Sheamus reverses a headlock into a back body drop, then hits his pounding attack on the second attempt. The Great White drops Mahal with another flying shoulder tackle, this time off the top rope! Brogue Kick ends it.

AJ tries to talk Big Show out of injuring Daniel Bryan tonight. He promises not to hurt him…but DB shows up and makes matters worse by telling Show he’s not taking the title OR his girl. Show tells Bryan that the title has changed him and I’m immediately drawn to making a Lord of the Rings reference. If Bryan wears the belt, does he turn invisible? Does he call it his Precious? Meh, doesn’t matter. DB asks AJ how much she REALLY loves him, implying that he’s going to use her as a pawn to retain his title. Way to ruin the ending of the main event, WWE.

Are these commercial break one-liners doing anything for you? No? Nothing? Meh.

Royal Rumble Recap: 2002. Triple H returns from his torn quad to defeat a watered-down Chris Jericho in a feud that focused less on the WWE Championship and more on the ridiculous divorce proceedings between Paul and Stephanie.

Santino Marella vs David Otunga
Otunga sends Santino into the corner with a series of shoulder blocks but the ref forces him to break off the attack. Otunga attempts a power slam but Santino slips out of his grasp for a roll-up that gets two. Regardless, David regains control with a couple of elbow drops. A charge into the corner is dodged and Santino begins to rally with a flurry of punches. Split, hip toss, diving headbutt! Santino calls for the Cobra but Otunga nails him with what appears to be Emerald Fusion (correct me if I’m wrong). Essentially, it’s a sidewalk slam that dumps the victim on his head.

We recap the next inductees in the Class of 2012 Hall of Fame: the Four Horsemen!

I wonder if Mongo, Jeff Jarrett, Dean Malenko, Lex Luger, and Paul Roma will be on hand for that induction.

Raw Recap: the Kane debacle. The video makes it look like a sequel to Halloween, although what we saw live this past Monday was utter shit.

Tyson Kidd vs Brodus Clay

I feel so odd every time I talk about Brodus Clay. Like, what the funk am I supposed to say? It’s just so bizarre. Want to hear what I’ve already said about him? Check out my thoughts right here. Even Tyson Kidd is confused. Brodus hits a running headbutt and a cross body splash and that’s it. No, seriously. That was it. I didn’t summarize. There were a total of two moves in that match. Hell, I’m wasting your time just by typing this sentence. And this one explaining it. See? Now it looks like, from a glance, this match was longer than I implied simply because I padded this paragraph. You’re welcome.

Teddy Long is dancing to Clay’s theme song in his office as Aksana finally shows up to make wry sexual implications. They talk about how next week Smackdown will be in Vegas and Aksana says that she loves roulette because she always “hits on black.” Meh, I get it but it wasn’t that funny. Teddy does a spit take with his coffee and this was just a way to tell everyone that the Roulette Wheel is returning next Friday.

Fun fact: One of Brodus Clay’s Funkettes is that chick from Tough Enough who said her favorite match ever was Melina vs Alicia Fox.

Natalya vs Tamina
I find it odd that Tamina, who turned on her tag team partner a few weeks ago, is the FACE in this feud with Natalya. Way to blow those face/heel stereotypes out of the water, WWE! Natalya slaps the make-up off of Tamina’s face and hits a nasty suplex. Tamina regains control with a Samoan drop and the Superfly Splash and this one’s done.

Wade Barrett interrupts Tamina’s celebration to appear at the ramp. He says he’s not impressed with Sheamus, and that he is a man of class and dignity and in control of his emotions at all times (a knock on Mr. Orton?). He challenges Sheamus next week in Sin City to a one-on-one match.

My pasta sauce is a huge hit. I’ve got a play date with a coworker next Friday so I can show her how to make the sauce. I know; you’d think I’d learned from dating my last coworker, right?

World Heavyweight Championship: Daniel Bryan vs Big Show (No Count Out, No Disqualification)

AJ accompanies the champ to the ring and she just looks so adorable. Hey, where’s my shot of Rosa Mendes this week? Booooo! Bryan asks for a handshake and Big Show grabs it before opting to gorilla press slam the World Heavyweight Champion! I would have just gone for the WMD and ended things right there. The guy’s giving you a shot at his face and you don’t take it?! What’s wrong with you, Big Show?! Chops in the corner followed by a huge hip toss. Show charges after DB and Bryan gets the feet up. Bryan tries to leap off the top rope but gets NAILED in midair with a spear! Big Show covers but Bryan’s limp body is under the ropes so the ref doesn’t count the pin. Bryan falls to the outside as we go to commercial.

We really didn’t have any quality matches tonight, huh? Most of them were quick squashes. I feel like I just watched an episode of Superstars. Maybe the end of the title match can turn things around.

Big Show is in control on the outside but Bryan uses an equalizer in the form of a steel chair. About a dozen shots bounce off Show’s back but he no sells it and forces Bryan to run back into the ring. Big Show gets on the apron with the chair and Bryan drop kicks it into his face! He follows Show to the outside and Wight drops Bryan! Bryan with a series of kicks…and Show keeps shrugging him off! They’re in the ring and Big Show receives a DDT on the steel chair! Kick out at two! Show continues to fight back through all of this by splashing Bryan in the corner and hitting a shoulder block. He calls for the choke slam but DB escapes Show’s grasp and chop blocks him! Bryan has the chair but Big Show PUNCHES IT INTO THE CHAMP’S FACE!!! Bryan rolls to the outside and Big Show tears apart the announce table. Another choke slam attempt is countered and Bryan nails Show with another set of chair shots! Show chases after Bryan around the ring and literally runs over AJ! Big Show cries like the time the Big Bossman dragged his daddy’s coffin around and AJ does a stretcher job. The fans hilariously try to reassure Big Show that “it was an accident.” Gotta love people who get too emotionally invested. Now the audience is chanting, “she’s okay”! Hahaha, so much for kayfabe!

As everyone heads to the back, Daniel Bryan berates Big Show and says, “You want the title? You can have it! She’s 95 pounds and you’re 500 pounds! You are a BASTARD!” Thus, the Big Bossman reference is complete.

Great. A no contest. Again. Way to keep Big Show in the title picture. This most certainly pales in comparison to last week’s Smackdown.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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