For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 1/16/12

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 1/16/12

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, over-the-top-rope column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your host Andrew Wheeler and no, I did not get to have a long weekend because of the holiday and am therefore exhausted on a Tuesday. A Tuesday! It’s downright un-American. Alright, let’s get to bidness…

The RAW Judicial Review for 1/16/12

I have a dream. I have a dream that the WWE will finally create a new version of this Martin Luther King Jr. video package that they have aired every year for the better part of a decade.

I have a dream. I have a dream that the WWE will change the Nickelback opening theme song to pretty much any other tune on the planet. I don’t care if it’s a German nursery rhyme or a Chinese opera score…I just can’t take hearing that douchebag sing about his balls being out. And yes, I could just fast forward through or something, but that’s effort I shouldn’t need to take if the WWE would just do their damn jobs.

I have a dream. I have a dream that I will not beat this joke into the ground to the point where it seems like a TNA pretape.

The actual show opened with Mick Foley coming to the ring in sweatpants, a flannel and a t-shirt that looked like the swirling blue vortex of death. He got the requisite cheap pop and then put over how much fun he had being a quasi-part of the WWE despite not really doing anything besides dressing as Santa and being the architect of that train-wreck “This is Your Life John Cena” segment that may be singlehandedly responsible for killing the industry. Mick talked about how his two youngest kids Huey and Mickey (someone call child services please) have yet to see him wrestle on the grandest stage of them all, so he wants to enter the Rumble and punch his ticket to Wrestlemania. If ever there was a justifiable reason for an old timer to step back into the ring, this would be it.

Vickie Guerrero in the remnants of a silk shirt someone’s grandmother would wear, screeches her way down to the ring. She is accompanied by Dolph Ziggler, who in just wearing a pink t-shirt under a suit is already the biggest heel in the business. Ziggler runs down Foley by calling him overweight and washed up, even saying that Mick’s kids must fear that their dad is going to eat their lunches. Hey, wasn’t “eating your lunch” John Morrison’s lame tagline? I bet he would be upset if he could still afford cable.

Foley smiled through this and pretty much agreed that he could get his ass kicked, but maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t. Ziggler pointed out that Mick was taking a spot from a deserving youngster and that he should do us all a favor and just slink out of there. This is great because if there is one guy who is willing to do anything to get someone over, it’s Foley. Mick did it with Triple H, he did it with Edge and the fact that he is even electing to do it with Ziggler shows that he sees something special in the kid.

CM Punk comes down because he’s CM Punk and he never brings down a segment. Punk and Ziggler spar back and forth, as Vickie gets in a line about Mick looking obese and Punk looking anorexic. The irony of her being the one to initiate weight-related bullying is delightful. Before Punk can really sink his teeth into the segment (but not before Dolph asked if they both got their clothing from the same homeless man), Johnny Super Ace came out. He teased considering Foley’s Rumble request before shooting him down. A killer opening segment that left people wanting to see Foley win the Royal Rumble and CM Punk killing Ziggler, which, folks, is how you sell a PPV. Glad to see someone in WWE Creative remembered how to book.

Commercial.

WWE Tag Team Championship: Primo & Epico Marx w/ Rosa v. Nerf AirBoom

So they had time last week for three separate segments dealing with Zack Ryder’s auto troubles but couldn’t squeeze in a tag title change? Sounds about right these days. Anyway, at least this tells people that (a) the WWE does house shows and (b) occasionally something can happen at them. Fine. AirBoom and Primo & Epico had a fine match but it’s the same thing we’ve seen from them a few dozen times. In the end, Kofi laid Epico out with Trouble in Paradise and just as Evan was going for AirBourne he was waylaid by Primo and then Epico hit the Backstabber for the win. A decent formulaic match with a win that makes people want to see a rematch is totally fine by me.

Johnny Ace is in the back playing Word Mole when David Otunga comes in with his coffee mug and a mysterious envelope. Ace announces that the proposed tag match of Punk & Bryan versus Henry & Ziggler will now be a six man, because he probably looked at the bumper graphic for the match and realized it was missing some Otunga. The sixth man for the match then walked in, and it was Chris Jericho. He looked downright giddy, turned off the lights and let his jacket blink. This was already a million times better than any promo featuring the bulk of the roster.

Commercial.

Zack Ryder and Eve Eve are in the back mouthing words because either they love “The Artist” or because we’re supposed to believe that unless there is a microphone you can’t hear anything. Sure enough, Josh Matthews pops up and now we can hear the pearls of wisdom coming from Zack. Even though he may not be medically cleared and even though he’s wearing the tape around his waist to signify that he’s been tenderized, he is going to defend his United States Championship because he is a tough guy…except last week where he told everyone he was scared of Kane and then choose to flee rather than confront him. Maybe sex with Eve instills fake confidence in a man. If that were the case with Kelly then most of the locker-room would be challenging people to fights.

We then get a recap of the WHOLE Kane nonsense, because what seemed stupid live would seem less stupid with red tint and slow motion.

Commercial.

US Title Match: Zack Ryder w/ Eve Eve v. Kurt SwAngle w/ Vickie Guerrero

This was designed to be a massacre but oddly enough it kinda killed SwAngle. See, Zack was in no shape to fight, so he got his ass kicked by SwAngle. Unfortunately, it took THREE Gutwrench Powerbombs to beat a broken Ryder when it should have only taken one. After all, that is SwAngle’s FINISHER! Begging for the company to not make him look like such a clown. So yes, Ryder’s title reign has come to an end. But fear not, I’m sure we’ll get a few dozen rematches soon enough.

Commercial.

We’re back and Johnny Ace approaches a crestfallen Ryder with the mysterious envelope from before that apparently says Ryder should never have been allowed to wrestle in the first place. I find it odd that a doctor would send the clearance to the boss and not the actual person suffering the injury, but hey, medical malpractice makes for a hell of a storyline.

Perez Hilton is the special ring announcer for the Divas match because Vince heard people saying the division couldn’t get worse and he accepted the challenge.

Alicia Fox & Kelly Kelly v. The Bella Twins

I seemed to have suffered blunt trauma to the brain so I thankfully don’t remember most of this. Either that or I was distracted by cookies my buddy Zach brought over. Either way, the next thing I know I see the twins trying for Twin Magic and then Perez Hilton yanking one of them out of the ring. I guess in WWE world man-on-woman violence is okay when the man is effeminate. This distraction lets the faces win and all is right with the world.

After the match Perez is confronted by The Bella Twins and then takes a bump worse than Mae Young. The faces step to the heels and the Bella Twins run away. How can THIS be the celebrity segment when they had Mr. Belding sitting in the front row the whole time?

Commercial.

We’re back with a recap of the 1992 Royal Rumble, which is one of the all-time best because of Ric Flair’s in-ring prowess and Bobby Heenan’s amazing commentary.

Resurrection-Truth comes out because…well…why not? Before he can say anything Wade Barrett interrupts to let everyone know that he will win the Rumble and that he isn’t completely sure that R-Truth is his real name. They bicker and Truth plays up the Little Jimmy shtick before he shows slides of him at Disney World. He made wacky faces and a surprisingly vulgar Pinocchio joke before being jumped by The Miz who came from just off camera. Sheamus runs in to make the save and this triggers Teddy Long’s “impromptu match” feature. However, instead of a tag match he makes it an “Over the Top Rope Battle Royal.”

Over the Top Rope Battle Royal: R-Truth, Wade Barrett, Sheamus & The Miz

The point of this is to introduce the Royal Rumble concept to the three new fans tuning in tonight. This also allows them to reinforce that the Rumble is every man for himself. Why not just show Demolition fighting each other? Wade gets dumped first and then Truth and Sheamus double-team The Miz only for Truth to prove that it is every man for himself and attack Sheamus. Miz and Sheamus brawl and just when it seems Sheamus is going to eliminate Miz we get Truth eliminating both of them. You know, because Truth is going to win the actual Royal Rumble. But hey, this promoted the actual PPV match and reminded people how fun these could be, so no complaints here.

Oh, and after the match Sheamus hit the Brutha Kick on Miz just to hammer home the fact that Miz is now a complete joke.

John Cena bursts into Johnny Super Ace’s office and goes batshit crazy over Ryder being forced to defend his title against SwAngle when they knew he was not cleared. Ace responds by booking Cena against SwAngle…next.

Commercial.

John Cena v. Kurt SwAngle

The match never really starts as Cena just straight up murderball’s him. This was the inevitable next step in the Kane storyline, with Cena Skywalker embracing his hate. SwAngle gets absolutely destroyed here and just as Cena is about to squash him with ring steps, Kane’s music hits and he celebrates how easy it was to manipulate Cena before signaling for his pyro but missing the cue. Nice angle advancement…poor timing on the fire.

Commercial.

Brodus Clay w/ Funkasaurettes v. JTG

Brodus Clay dominates JTG who…wait…JTG? He’s still in the WWE? When the hell did this happen and why wasn’t I notified? Oh that’s right, because I don’t really care. Anyway, this was the same match he had with Hawkins only with JTG. Also, his finisher is called the “Aw Funky” and despite all the evidence to the contrary, I still love this gimmick. It’s silly, it’s different and it’s basically Dusty Rhodes with a bunch of tattoos and face like a cartoon character.

Commercial.

We’re back with footage of Big Show trucking AJ during the Smackdown World Title match. Daniel Bryan comes out to say that he blames Big Show for the injury and that he is pathetic. Bryan dedicates his match against Mark Henry on Friday to AJ and then says if he sees Big Show he will pay. Listen to what he say. He may eat some hay or sit by the bay.

Commercial.

Daniel Bryan, CM Punk & Chris Jericho v. Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry & David Otunga

The entire opening portion of the match is built around teasing the Jericho tag, which works like a charm. Punk and Bryan both do great jobs at playing babyfaces-in-peril and every time they slowly climb for a hot tag, the place nearly erupted. Finally, Jericho is tagged in. He celebrates in every corner of the ring, tags in Bryan and bails up the ramp still celebrating. This mockery of how veterans act is fantastic. Now he’s highlighting those old school guys that come back for multi-person tag matches only to get their pop, get their hot tag and then head to the back.

Commercial.

Bryan tags in Punk but decides to confront Henry. He hits Mark and all Henry can do is ask if that’s the best he’s got. Bryan teases like he’s bailing but they brawl up the ramp and to the back. This leaves Punk in a 2-on-1 situation until Mick Foley comes out. He says that he was put in the match. Mick gets tagged in and he hits the DDT on Otunga and then the Mandible Claw (complete with Socko) for the win.

After the match Johnny Super Ace comes out to say that he never put Foley in the match and that the decision has been reversed. This leads Punk to snapping and he unleashes on Ace. He says that he gets shit on because unlike Ace, Punk is successful. He talks about how Ace could never be him and that he could never even be Animal. He says Ace can try to screw him but he will fail and then calls him pathetic before leaving.

Mick gives Ace a thumbs up. Ace promises to no longer be bullied and then he pops Foley. So there you go, the inevitable conclusion of this feud. Earlier in the night Johnny mentioned he would become the permanent RAW GM, and now we meet the guy who will challenge him for the position.

This has been for your consideration.

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