The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 01.16.12
Gotta love the contrast of celebrating Martin Luther King day while Kane tries to teach Cena to embrace the hate.
Live from Anaheim, CA.
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
Mick Foley is out to start things off with a cheap pop for Disneyland, and he talks about how he’s happy to appear in a nostalgic role now. However, he wants to compete one more time so his youngest sons can finally see him wrestle live. So he’s entering the Royal Rumble, hopefully just as himself and not as 3 different gimmicks this time. This brings out Dolph Ziggler, who is SHOCKED AND APPALLED that Mick would take someone’s spot so he can show off for his bratty kids. Dolph is tremendous here riffing on how Mick will get thrown out right away. “I hope our dad doesn’t eat our lunches again!” Mick’s not just in it to participate, though, he’s in it to WIN. Dolph points out that he beat Cena last week and beat Punk two weeks in a row before that, and if he has to defend his soon-to-be WWE title against Mick at Wrestlemania, he’ll puke. So Mick should go home, buy a new shirt, eat a salad, and go away. This assault on the character of the hardcore legend brings out CM Punk, who shops at the same homeless shelter as Foley according to Dolph. Punk hypes the title match, slags Johnny Ace, and is also tremendous here. This all brings out Ace, who denies Mick the Rumble match (after due consideration, of course), and Vickie laughs at Mick to end the segment.
WWE tag titles: Epico & Primo v. Air Boom
The new champs still don’t warrant an entrance. Bourne rolls up Primo right away for two and gets a flying headscissors, but the champs get a double slam on him to take over. Primo goes up and Bourne hits him with a rana, right into Epico, which sets up the hot tag at 1:10. That’s pretty sad. Kofi runs wild and gets the Boom drop, but Primo rolls him up for two. Kofi with the wacky kick and Bourne goes up to finish, but he gets distracted and pinned at 2:15. I really don’t get the theory of making a heatless team into the champions and hoping that the belts give them something. *1/2
Meanwhile, Johnny Ace makes a six man tonight with Mark Henry, Dolph Ziggler & David Otunga v. CM Punk, Daniel Bryan & Chris Jericho. Jericho is so excited that he silently turns out the lights and flashes his jacket.
Meanwhile, Zack Ryder is too injured to compete, but he’ll do it anyway. This convinces Eve to go out there with him.
US title: Zack Ryder v. Jack Swagger
Apparently getting cleanly pinned by the WWE champion qualifies you for a US title shot now. Zack has the DDP taped ribs going for added visual aid. Swagger attacks and hits a sideslam, then whips Ryder into the corner and pounds the back. Zack fires back with knees out of the corner, but lands in a slam and Swagger follows with the pump splash for two. Doctorbomb gets two. Another one gets two. Swagger gets frustrated and drops elbows on the back and hits a third one to finish the squash and win the US title at 2:00. * Hey, great, make Ryder a total pussy who then goes out and gets decimated without even putting up a fight to lose his title to a job guy, what an awesome push for him. I talk about the “Rocket push” a lot, where one guy gets the proverbial rocket strapped to him and shoots to the top, but this is now whatever the opposite of that would be. The rocket is pointing downwards on Ryder now.
Meanwhile, Johnny Ace apologizes to Ryder for not reading the medical report until after the match. My bad, he notes.
Perez Hilton comes out to a heel reaction to be ring announcer for some reason. Do they really think any of the 14 year old boys in the audience would give a fuck about Perez?
Kelly Kelly & Alicia Fox v. The Bella Twins
I should point out that the promo for Royal Pains is in fact the exact trope that Family Guy mercilessly mocked with the “Shoving Buddies” gag a few seasons ago. Kelly takes a Bella down and they switch off, so Perez pulls the cheater out of the ring, admonishes her, and Kelly rolls up the other one for the pin at 1:00. Perez chases off the Bellas while hiding behind Kelly and Fox. What an insulting trainwreck this bullshit was. DUD
R-Truth comes out to do a smiling babyface interview, but Wade Barrett interrupts before he can say anything. Wade questions whether R-Truth really is his real name, prompting Truth to do Vince’s favourite bit: Wacky photos on the Titantron. Did Truth actually have those slides queued up in case Barrett interrupted him? The Miz attacks for the 2-on-1 beatdown, but Sheamus saves to set up what I assume is a tag match for later. Nope, Teddy Long comes out and makes it a mini-battle royale for right now.
R-Truth v. Wade Barrett v. Sheamus v. The Miz
The obvious guys pair off and then Barrett gets tossed. Truth backflips out of the corner and whiffs on the sidekick against Sheamus, and Miz clobbers him from behind and thinks he’s eliminated him. But Truth is still in, because he’s sneaky. Sheamus pounds on Miz and starts chanting “Brogue” while pounding his own chest, which is a new thing that will probably get over, but he misses the kick and gets hung up. Truth returns and dumps both guys to win at 4:00. Crowd still doesn’t think much of him as a babyface. Nothing much to this.
Meanwhile, John Cena is IRATE that his girlfriend Zack got screwed by Big Johnny, but Johnny notes that maybe he should be angry at Kane instead for injuring Ryder. Good point, Big Johnny. So Cena will get Kane at the Rumble (duh) and Swagger a little later. Not for the US title, of course, because why would a main event guy care in the least about competing for a secondary title? That would just be icky.
John Cena v. Jack Swagger
No match, as Cena attacks Swagger before the bell and destroys him, beats him up outside the ring, and prepares to toss the stairs onto his head before Kane interrupts. Kane is pleased with the hatred shown here.
Brodus Clay v. JTG
JTG gets nowhere fast, and Clay asks the crowd whether he should get him. He follows with a slam, avalanche, and crossbody to finish at 1:00. Apparently his finisher is called “Ah, funk it”. Not loving that, but Clay is shockingly entertaining in this role. ½*
Daniel Bryan comes out to berate Big Show for “injuring” AJ, to whom he dedicates the World title match this week. Really good promo from Bryan here, as the heel turn continues to build.
Chris Jericho, Daniel Bryan & CM Punk v. Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry & David Otunga
Given that two of the “babyfaces” are actually heels, I would be watching my back if I was Punk. Punk controls Ziggler to start and brings in Bryan, who trips on Ziggler while taking a backdrop for a spot that almost resulted in another torn groin on the roster. Ziggler covers up well and stats working the leg, and brings in Otunga to continue with that. Ziggler gets a half-crab, but Bryan fights out and gets Punk back in. Ziggler stomps him down in the corner and hits a neckbreaker, but Jericho wants the tag, which actually gets the crowd fired up. The heels keep beating on Punk regardless of Jericho’s desires, forcing Punk to fight off Otunga and drop the Macho elbow. Jericho gets the hot tag, and he’s so excited that he forgets to actually wrestle, instead celebrating with the crowd and then tagging Bryan back in before running off to the back. That was AWESOME. We take a break while Bryan has a great “WTF” look on his face. Back with Ziggler working on Bryan, but Punk gets the hot tag. It turns into a donnybrook and Henry chases Bryan out of the match due to a sudden knee injury, as they brawl to the back. This brings out Mick Foley for some reason, perhaps to even things up on the babyface side. Ziggler gets a pair of neckbreakers on Punk for two, but Punk levels him with the high kick. Hot tag Foley, and he beats on Otunga in the corner and gets the running knee. Sweet Shin Music sets up the Mandible Sock to finish at 14:14. Sadly, the celebration is interrupted by Big Johnny, who reverses the decision in case anyone cares about wins and losses. ** Punk cuts an angry promo, telling Johnny that he envied his brother and it kills him that he never made it to the WWE as a wrestler because he sucked so much. I kind of hope Ace clocks him for being such a dick, actually. Punk dares Ace to screw him at the Rumble and just lays into him before head-faking him with a kick and leaving. That was a great angry promo, the kind that’s been missing lately. Foley gives a thumbs-up to Ace like a goof, and now Big Johnny finally retorts since Punk is gone. Foley also calls him a suck-up, but Ace has had enough and finally admits he’s going to screw Punk out of the title if he can help it. And he hits Mick with the microphone to show his true intentions to end the show.
The Pulse
Loved the opening, LOVED the ending, hated everything in the middle. That’s good enough for a win lately. Sucks to be Zack Ryder these days, though.
