The Bachelor 2012 – Episode Four Review

I’m starting to panic, peeps.  I’m waiting and waiting for this season to get better and it’s just not happening.  Usually by now, I have abandoned any pre-established feelings towards the bachelor or bachelorette and have become their advocate.  I distinctly remember that by Episode Two of Brad’s season, I was over the whole sloppy seconds thing and was rooting for the guy who had clearly spent three years soul searching and was ready for a mature committed relationship.  But frankly, at this point, I’m bored, bored, bored.    

I’m bored of hearing Ben tell us he ‘likes where this is going’ (with every single girl).  I’m bored of watching Courtney’s top lip try to run away from the rest of her face – even it can’t stand her!  I’m bored of seeing girls in sheer black pantyhose at cocktail parties (maybe I’m the only one who feels like this, but somewhere along the way I sent myself a memo:  Hello Self.  My, you’re looking beautiful today!  Oh by the way, before I forget – tights = okay.  Nude pantyhose (appropriately tones for your legs so as not to resemble a nurse from the 50s or 90 year old woman) = okay.  Sheer black pantyhose = Melanie Griffith from Working Girl or any other 80′s fashion nightmare.  Am I the only one that feels this way???)  I’m even bored of Kasey B’s post-swimming hair.  Actually no I’m not, that mop is hilarious!  Poor girl.

In case we didn’t already know that Courtney was a sociopath, the previews for last night’s episode made it pretty clear. So with the beautiful backdrop of Utah (I admit feeling a bit moist for the rainbow resting casually on the sprawling mountains – I mean it’s no Sonoma, but…) I sat down with my vino and my laptop to take it all in.

As Chris Harrison welcomed the girls and gave them the itinerary for the week (sit around, talk badly about each other, get drunk, go on a date if you’re lucky), I noticed Blakely looking more subdued and masculine than ever.  Then it occurred to me.  Her normal accessories are actually carefully planted to distract us from her masculine features.  Cheekbones a bit too strong?  Nothing a bedazzled headband can’t fix!  Horse teeth too sparkly?  How about a wilted wildflower tucked just so behind your ear?  Implants too perky?  Yeah, they’re just ridiculous.

I was happy to see that Rachel got the one on one date, cuz I do like her (even though I think she isn’t really right for Ben).  Of course within minutes of boarding the helicopter Ben tells us he ‘likes where this is going’.  How can you like where it’s going already?  All you’ve done basically is not crash.  Interesting that he considers this date a ‘down to earth’ one.  Yes.  All of my most down to earth dates started with a private helicopter ride to a secluded lake.  Just another Thursday night sorta thing. 

Rachel’s ‘communication issues’ were quite clear as she and Ben enjoyed the most tranquil, quiet date EVER.  I can see him enjoying himself with Kasey B on that kinda date, because they clearly have an unspoken connection thing going on (which she reminds us of every time she’s on camera).  But I can’t think of anything more awkward than going on a date in a silent setting and having nothing to say.  Like these people literally and figuratively heard crickets.  Aside from pointing out a beaver dam (pretty much the only beaver Ben’s gonna see on that date) and taking inventory of the dates Rachel has attended, there was very little talking going on.  There’s only so many times you can comment on the weather and the beauty before actually having to converse.  I feel like Rachel would have done better on a big city date, but oh well.

It didn’t seem to matter, because even though they had absolutely nothing to say to each other all day and all night, all it took was for Rachel to open up for one minute and say she had trust issues and you could see Ben wiping the sweat off his brow.  Phew!  I don’t have to actually grow a pair and send anyone home!  Apparently, that’s all the communication he needed from her to give her the rose.  Now they can move on with their night of collecting plates of food on the table without touching them – did you guys notice the waiters had to move their first course which was there when they arrived over to make room for their salmon which also didn’t get touched?  I just don’t get it!

Back at the (yawn) house, Kasey B is once again, wearing her cream and navy striped sweater and reassuring us that she and Ben have a connection while trying to recover from a clearly horrific electrocution.  Usually Kasey starts the episode with straight hair and by the cocktail party it’s in total shambles.  But last night, her hair was completely schitzo.  One minute straight.  One minute curly.  Sometimes with product.  Sometimes without.  I mean I get it.  These girls go swimming.  It’s hot outside.  They’re just hangin’ around at home…but something’s gotta give.  If you need to wear a shower cap in the pool to avoid having to re-straighten every day, then do what you gotta do, girl!  This is getting ridiculous!

On the flip side, there’s Nicki.  I think Kasey needs to give up some shower time so Nicki can have a turn with the shampoo for once.  Her hair was looking positively grea-SAY!   Nair did such a great job with Ashley’s season (kill me now), would it kill the show to find a hair sponsor?

Alright, let’s move onto the group date – the only one in the history of the show that involved water, but no bikinis (though you could see the girls’ bikinis hidden under their straps so they’re ready at a moment’s notice).   Ben and his harem of women cross the mountains towards their exciting date spot…I half expected him to stop at some point to trade some of the girls for camels.  Not a bad idea. 

Watching the girls pretend to be excited about fly fishing was about the only funny thing last night, though apparently my husband has now had a change of heart and is interested in dating Ben so he can go fly fishing.  Courtney’s half-assed fist pump pretty much summed up what I’m sure the rest of the girls were feeling.  Of course, Blakely couldn’t resist accessorizing her outfit with some wildflowers from the ground, hoping to make an impression on Ben and of course, it didn’t work.

I have to side somewhat with Courtney that these girls were just standing there like idiots actually trying to fly fish when they could have used the opportunity to get some one on one time.  But my support for Courtney quickly dissipated when she brought in the big guns – the baby voice.  There is no place for a baby voice in the great outdoors.  Kasey B at least made some sort of attempt to make physical contact with Ben by asking him to show her how to fish.  I don’t know about you guys, but it doesn’t look that hard.  And Ben certainly wasn’t showing off any incredible skills.

That evening after they washed the smell of swamp off themselves, everyone gets fancied up for the date – well, everyone except Ben who decided to wear a sweatshirt and shower shoes. 

The whole thing with Samantha was confusing.  She tells us that she basically feels like they should already be engaged, but then sits down with him to confront him about why they haven’t had any one on one time.  As I watched her listening to (interrupting) Ben, her upper lip frozen in a sneer only a stroke victim could make while her tongue involuntarily left her mouth repeatedly and slithered back in, Ben proceeded to basically put her in a time out.  Their conversation reminded me of being lectured by my parents or a teacher telling me that I’m simply not applying myself.  I didn’t think Ben had it in him but next thing ya know, he’s kickin’ her out faster than the other side of her lip can catch up to the first and she’s gone, gone, gone in search of a public toilet to curl up to and cry.

Of course, Kasey B (who is conveniently wearing her own hand job blanket – I mean, I get the oversize trend but that was a bit ridiculous) gets her special one-on-one time (putting my money on her being in the finals now), only to be outdone by Courtney who cunningly pretends to be in need of reassurance just so Ben will give her the rose which will make the other girls jealous.  Really?  You’ve lost sight of everything?  Of course he plays right into it, even as she can barely keep a straight face when telling him she’s having a hard time (in her baby voice of course) and you can hear her evil laugh as he runs down the hall like a puppy to get the rose. 

Then we break for commercials – which turned out to be the best part of the episode, because not only did we see a commercial for Ryan Reynolds’ new movie (call me, Lover), but we see good ol’ Chris Harrison promising true love in the true north in the upcoming Bachelor Canada!

I won’t lie…I have mixed emotions.  It’s like how I feel about Target coming to Canada.  Will it be as awesome?  Will it be special?  Will me and my girlfriends still take road trips to Buffalo just to walk through those majestic red and white doors and stock up on pint-sized rock t-shirts for our kids and thirty dollar boots?  Sigh…probably not.  Like getting a boyfriend if you’re Blakeley, there’s something desirable about the unattainable.  Not only do I fear it won’t be as amazing, but I also shudder at the girls they’ll pick and the way Canadians will be represented in general, not to mention the budget of the show.  I have fears that where the American version goes to New Zealand and Puerto Rico, the Canadian version will be like “okay girls!  Get on the bus!  We’re going to the nickel mine in Sudbury!  Woohoo!  Time and time again, Canadians on reality TV shows just serve to perpetuate the stereotypes Americans have about them and I want to scream ‘We’re not all like that!  We’re cool!  We have sun!  We’re not hicks!  Our cities and our people are wicked, eh?’  This is of course with the exception of Jillian Harris who totally rules, even if she didn’t pick Kiptyn.

Anyways, onto Jennifer’s date.  Not quite clear why Ben would admit to Jennifer that he wasn’t sure if they’d be able to relate when his tongue has already grazed her esophagus but people do things their own way, right?  I really don’t get their date.  The whole no trespassing sign that was basically an arts and crafts project done by the producers was a bit cheesy (you would think if this area were really restricted, there would be something a little more permanent than, say, scotch tape, holding up the sign in the windy mountain air, no?)

Once again we are presented with the ‘how far would you go for love’ dilemma?  Would I harness myself to a guy and plunge into an unknown cavern without really understanding what I’m going to do once I get there, how cold the water is, what sort of creatures exist in it, etc?  Hell to the no!  And anyways, the actual fall was pretty anticlimactic and was kind of like ‘ok, so now what?’ 

Really not much to say about their date other than I’m proud that they actually consumed food and I found it really weird that they appeared so much taller standing at the concert (put on by who?) than everyone around them.  Was it a concert for little people or something?

Back at the house, Courtney is telling the girls with disdain that Jennifer is normal, as if that’s the worst thing someone could possibly be and somehow finding ways to slip in how many boyfriends she’s had.  The way the girls shut right up when she walks in and openly look at her with confusion as she speaks is hilarious. 

The cocktail party is even better.  Emily is slowly making her way into dangerous territory by calling Courtney out to Ben (who is obviously under Courtney’s full on spell – I caught a fish!  I got a rose!  I’m fully capable of torturing someone with no remorse!)  Seems like Emily doesn’t learn her lesson because we see her doing the same thing on next week’s preview!  Any appreciation I developed for Casey S on the group date was thrown right out the window when I realized she actually likes Courtney and doesn’t think she’s a narcissistic bitch.  Seriously?  Very subtle how she excused herself to ‘go get a drink’ with a full drink in her hand.

As Emily gets worked up after her failed one-on-one time with Ben, Monica channels her Mama Bear of the house – I mean she’s clearly the oldest if she’s taking hair styling cues from Wilma Flintstone and sporting a bolero jacket?  Her dress reminded me of my grade eight grad.  She tries to get Emily to calm down and keep her eyes on the prize.  If I were Emily, I wouldn’t have denied talking about Courtney to her face (who by the way was sporting black pantyhose – just sayin’) – that just made her look dumb.  I would have been like ‘you’re right, Biatch, I did tell Ben what you’re all about.’  I bet she would have had half the house backing her up if she had the balls to say something other than wiggling her nose in an attempt to relocate her dimples.

The rose ceremony ensues and once again, the village mute Jaime snags a rose (what?) along with Kasey B (the hair…good God),  Emily (mind yourself, girl) and Blakely (neigh!!!) among others.

Next week…Puerto Rico…perhaps Courtney can show everyone around since she had to tell us she was just there two months ago.  Ben is running out of extra chicks to vote off.  People are going to start getting hurt soon.  I only hope Ben has the balls to do it, because I am a few episodes away from abandoning this show (yeah right).    

And I’m not sure next season will be any better, since Emily has been announced as the next Bachelorette.  Great.  That should be exciting.  I’m sure she won’t sabotage herself.  If there is a god, He or She will bring Bentley back and do this show proud.  We’ll be waiting!


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