THE FIST PUMP: My Royal Rumble Predictions

Welcome back children. Last week I presented a fantastic script for an episode of RAW. The comments section was interesting. Some people did like it. Some people didn’t. Eventually people realized the margins move over if you reply to a comment, so people started playing with that to see how narrow they could make the posts. All in all, I think everyone had fun. To those that didn’t enjoy the script, I’m sorry. Personally though, I think you really did enjoy the script but you are refusing to admit it for spiteful and possibly even racist reasons.

First of all, if you haven’t seen the movie Three O’Clock High or didn’t like it for some reason, that’s your fault. Not mine! That movie is a fuckin’ classic. And first of all, do you not like Brock Lesnar now or something? You are telling me that if Brock Lesnar appeared on RAW and attacked John Cena it wouldn’t warp your fragile minds? Come on, give me that one! And first of all, I portrayed John cena in way I believe his character would act in the given situation. Things were tough for him at first, but in the end he stood up to his bully. Isn’t that WWE is really all about right now?

I think if you really stop and think about it, you loved the script. So you’re welcome.

And I love this John Cena guy. Fuck it! I’m rooting for this guy again. Who cares if his matches are shit? He is a hard worker. He is dependable. He stands up to bullies now if WWE start using my scripts. And he’s fun to write for. That’s probably why the WWE writers include him in everything. It’s great. If the fans boo or cheer him, you’re covered either way.

This week I decided to make my predictions for this year’s Royal Rumble. Then I figured everyone else would do that. So instead I’m going to just go with everyone else and guess that Chris Jericho will win it. Good for him. I like Jericho. So then I decided to write how I would like to see the Royal Rumble go, while still allowing Jericho to win it. I hope that’s what you people want. I mean last week I bring out Lesnar and you just…alright, let’s not dwell. That was then. This is now. This is…




So let’s cut the shit. This is the Royal Rumble! The best of the best. Every man for himself. Everyone knows if Cena and Kane are in this thing, they are going to be fighting each other. So let’s bring them out first, let people enjoy the theme songs, and then they can start beating each other up. Maybe Kane also brings a coffin to ringside. Kane is all, “You’re going in this Cena! Fuck yeah!”

Everyone knows that Barrett doesn’t like Cena. And everyone sort of knows Barrett. So he will probably get a good reaction when they play his theme song. And then you know right away he’s going to help Kane double team Cena. And then Cena can try to rise above hate or whatever his T-shirt says this week. It’ll be too early for him to do that though. Too early!

I don’t know. I just like William Regal.

So they crank the A-Team theme and people will be going nuts. Mr. T comes down there and starts smacking around jibberjabberers with John Cena. They start evening the odds while they rise above hate. The bad guys are on the run. Regal should start doing that shit where he just waves to the fans. I fucking LOVE that.

When it’s time for six, they should dim the lights and play some spooky music. Then the coffin that Kane brings down opens up, and Dracula pops out of that son of a bitch! Mr. T and Cena are good, but we are talking about the Prince Of Darkness here. He’s got Kane, Barrett, and Regal hypnotized with his Dracula powers. Mr. T and Cena are fighting for their lives, but it doesn’t seem to work. Mr. T gets bitten and he becomes a Blackula.

Like Sylvester Stallone Rocky. The Rocky theme blasts over the loudspeakers. The entire crowd obviously starts cheering for him. He gets to the ring and knocks Barrett to the canvas. Kane goes down. He uppercuts Regal over the ropes. You didn’t think he was going to win this thing anyway. We get a bit of possesed vampire Clubber Lang vs Rocky in a rematch from the third movie. Mr. T is eliminated. Then we get Rocky vs Dracula. One on one! This is already one of the best rumbles ever!

I gotta throw in Santino. You know, for comedy.

I think The Miz is ready for a repackaging. In TNA, they have this Sting guy that dresses up like The Joker but pretends to be Jim Carrey from The Mask movie. It’s weird. But I hate The Miz’s haircut. So I think we are going to shave his head, and he will dress like Lex Luthor, but act like Mike Myers from those Austin Powers movies. He can be like John Cena’s arch nemesis. I guess Randy Orton was supposed to be Cena’s arch nemesis at one point, but nobody really likes Orton. He kinda sucks. I don’t even have him in this thing.

The Miz can say that there’s a bomb planted somewhere in the arena. Everyone must leave at once, over the ropes, or everyone in the audience will explode. Cena gets a mic and says that he will be happy to eliminate himself, but someone as evil as Kane certainly wouldn’t care for the audience’s safety. The Miz says that John Cena must then eliminate Kane, and anyone else that would dare stand in The Miz’s way. Then he laughs really evil and shit. Cena vows to stop him and everyone in the Rumble. The Miz then sends out the next part of his master plan.

We are repackaging this Shaemus guy too. He’s going to dress up just like Cena, but he’ll just do everything backwards and talk like Bizarro from The Superman comic books. Rocky has Kane, Barrett, Dracula, and Santino covered, but Cena’s powers are too evenly matched by the Bizarro Cena. The Miz just stands in the corner and laughs I guess. He’s evil.

Do I have to explain who this is? I had to explain it to Blair. Unreal. That’s the guy from Die Hard. The one who Bruce Willis plays. He’s badass. See, he was just in the audience when he heard about the bomb. He’s killed a few terrorists and figured out The Miz’s plan. The plan with the bomb. So John McClane sees David Otunga standing around backstage and beats him up. Now McClane is in the Royal Rumble. He’s not really trying to win it. It’s the only way he can get to that bomb though. He drew 11. He mostly looks around ringside while The Miz looks concerned by his presense. Rocky, Dracula, Cena, etc. They all continue to fight. Maybe Barrett’s a vampire now too or some shit.

Do you even know who this is? I remember this guy. He was on NXT, and he won. The Funkatronic guy came in second. Somehow Funkmaster 2012 is the big thing now and you probably don’t even know who this guy is. I figured he could use the face time. Maybe he throws McClane into the ring and crazy wrestling stuff happens to him. I don’t even know what this guy does really. He’s not going to win.
NUMBER #13: ED-209

This is the giant robot from the movie Robocop that Robocop got into a fight with at the end. It gets down there and instantly mows down Johnny Curtis. So he’s dead. A referee just tosses him over the ropes. Cena shoulderblocks it though. It’s not industructable. But nobody in the ring can get it under control. Plus…I mean it just shot a guy. The performers aren’t used to that kind of thing. Only one man can save them.

Big moment here naturally. Robocop has the theme song going. He brings in some steel steps, and gets ED-209 to try to walk up them. It trips over and eliminates itself. ED-209 has trouble with steps. Then Robocop shoots Santino. So he’s dead, which counts as an elimination now after the ‘Curtis Incident’.

I think WWE are trying to have more masked Superstars to break some kind of goofy record at Wrestlemania. Maybe to sell more masks too. Who knows? The point is, here is an idea for a masked Superstar. WWE apparently did a few shows where they had Cena put on a mask and be Juan Cena. Just have someone else wear the mask and be Juan Cena. Don’t give up on this Juan Cena idea.

Juan Cena and Bizarro Cena beat up on Regular Cena. The Miz laughs. Kane and Barrett and Rocky and Dracula and Robocop are fighting. ED-209 is just like twitching and rolling around. Curtis and Santino are dead. Regal is just standing at ringside waving to people. McClane is running over glass for some reason, but he’s still looking for that bomb! So far, so good.

Because, hey! Why not? I asked CB, who is working his ass off on and doing a really good job, who he wanted to see in this year’s rumble if he could pick anyone he wanted. He picked DDP. Sounds good to me. DDP gets in the ring and hits The Miz with The Diamond Cutter. The Miz gets eliminated. He never saw it coming. The Miz gets a mic and promises to blow everyone up. Because of that whole bomb thing.

I’m writing this instead of watching RAW. Blair just told me Foley was in this thing, so I had to scratch The Predator off the list. I think he should be Cactus Jack, because I like Cactus Jack. Also Robocop can look at his shirt and be like, “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me!” and Cactus Jack can go, “Bang, bang!”

People will like that.

Here’s another guy who needs some face time. He’s the guy who won Tough Enough. Stone Cold yelled at him until he started crying. Cactus Jack can start teasing him about how he cried and went nuts. And then everyone can start bullying him. Then he can start crying. But John Cena tells him to rise above hate. So he goes nuts.

Bizarro Cena and Juan Cena are eliminated. Cactus Jack is eliminated. I guess DDP is eliminated too. I need to get rid of people before I lose track of what’s going on. It’s madness! Cena is relieved to get rid of the evil Cenas and goes to eliminate himself to prevent the bomb from killing the audience. Kane stops him though and chokeslams him. They make the lights red and do the fire from the turnbuckles. It’s all dramatic and shit.

I know Cena still trying to eliminate himself to stop this bomb doesn’t make much sense. Nor does it make any sense that eliminating himself would stop a bomb. And The Miz is eliminated already I think. So shouldn’t that stop the bomb? And isn’t Officer John McClane stopping the bomb? And none of this really makes sense anyway. I somewhat agree. Sort of. I’ll try to save this whole thing right here with the next entry.

Michelle looks confused as she comes down to the ring. I am surprised too actually. Why did I even put her on the list? When she gets to the ring, she opens up a chair and just sits down while everyone fights around her. John Cena, Rocky, Silent Rage, and Robocop are fighting for their lives against Kane, Vampire Barrett, and Dracula. DDP is just posing for fans. McClane has already eliminated himself. He’s shooting terrorists at ringside. Regal is also still there waving to the people.

The Joker comes down dancing and laughing with a group of henchmen. The henchmen grab Michelle. The Joker gasses everyone else. They all pass out except for Silent Rage. The Joker kills him with something stupid like a poisoned steel chair. So he’s eliminated. Then The Joker just laughs like a maniac until the next entry comes out.

WWE can bring The Undertaker back right here. He can beat up all the henchmen, toss The Joker out of The Rumble, save Michelle, and eliminate DDP just for a laugh. Vampire Barrett wakes up and eliminates The Undertaker. The Undertaker pulls him out and they start fighting. Some more Nexus guys run down and start fighting. Someone’s head goes through a popcorn machine. That’s always fun. Then they can all fight again at Wrestlemania.

This would be a good time to bring out another surprise entry. Everyone likes the music. It’s a whole thing when Piper comes out. Mostly I just brought him out because I want to do a sequel to the fight scene from They Live.

And it’s on! I think it’s supposed to be two minutes between contestants, but I doubt many people really keep track of that sort of thing. Piper and David need at least five minutes to settle this score. Then they can eliminate each other.

I guess he has to be in this. He can dance around here. Why not?

We were watching Pawn Stars, and they got an offer to buy this giant, robotic transformer that ate cars and shot fire out of it’s mouth. I will never understand why they didn’t buy it. The Miz can be driving this thing. You sit in it’s head. First it can eat the Funky guy. Then it can rip a car in two. That is Robosaurus’ big trick.

Robosaurus can start crapping other robots out of it. Or maybe guys from FCW dressed as robots. Whatever is cheaper. John Cena and his team fight The Miz and his deadly creations! Mostly it will just be guys dressed as robots getting thrown over the ropes by Cena and whatnot. Robocop will get ripped in two by Robosaurus. It’s Cena and Rocky against Kane, Dracula, and bunch of guys dressed up as deadly robots, and The Miz driving Robosaurus, in case you are keeping score. McClane and Regal will be fighting each other at ringside.

I think he’s got a movie coming out this year. He can help Cena fight all the robots. Then he can get into a struggle with Robosaurus. Then Robosaurus can breathe fire because it looks cool. Cena, Rocky, Kane, and Dracula are still fighting in the ring. Why is that still happening? I have to get someone in that can clear that ring.

Darth Vader does the force choke thing and eliminates Rocky and Dracula. Vader is telling Cena to feed into the hate. And Cena is like rambling about rising above hate or whatever. Vader instructs Kane to eliminate Cena. Then it turns out that Vader is really Kane’s father! And Kane can’t believe this! Because Kane is Cena’s father!! And Cena can’t believe this!!! Then Kane and Darth Vader start shooting lightning out of their hands!!! Nobody can believe this!!! And now Regal, John McClane, and Captain America are all fighting Robosaurus!!!

This would be the only guy that can beat Darth Vader really, and even then that’s debateable. He does a flying karate kick and both he and Vader go flying over the ropes. It’s down to Cena and Kane now. John McClane finds the bomb and attaches it to Robosaurus’ head. Then he jumps off while it’s exploding and he looks all cool and stuff. Kane and Cena eliminate each other during the explosion. A few fans are probably dead, or at the very least hurt. The theme from the movie Platoon plays over the loudspeakers.

Nobody is left in the ring, so Jericho basically wins by default.

And that is how I think The Royal Rumble should go down this year. But it probably won’t. My friend runs a wrestling messageboard and is trying to put together a top ten list of the best wrestlers of 2011. You get to pick five wrestlers. He will finalize the list. Then I’ll probably write something about it and my thoughts on the winners. You will all probably enjoy that. So go vote! Go to and pick who you thought performed the best where it says TheDDT X. And leave some comments if you have any thoughts about this Royal Rumble idea or the Royal Rumble in general. I’m sure you all have predictions. Keep on FIST PUMPIN’!

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