I’m not gonna lie to you guys. It’s after 10 pm on a Friday night and I’m slightly inebriated from Happy Hour, so this should be an interesting take on the go-home show before the Royal Rumble.
Anything’s better than having Mark Henry and Big Show in the main event, right? I mean, that would be like the worst decision EVER to promote the Royal Rumble just two kayfabe nights before the PPV.
The show opens with a recap of Paul Wight’s literal squash of my girl, AJ. DAMN YOU, SHOW! YOU ARE A BASTARD!
Here comes Big Show to apologize in the middle of the ring. He’s dressed in camouflage, which looks absurd on a seven-foot-tall mammoth. He says he apologized to AJ and she forgave him, and the crowd cheers like he asked her to marry him or something. He says he was a clumsy oaf as a child. Really? I never would have guessed that. He says that here in the WWE he found a home; a place where he belongs.
Where everybody knows his name.
And they’re always glad he came.
Show says he feels like hanging up his boots and will consider retirement after his match this Sunday, win or lose. The fans boo this decision as I yell at the screen, ‘Don’t fucking boo that!” Daniel Bryan comes to the ring and says AJ was so hopped up on meds that she doesn’t even remember Show’s hospital visit. He says the WWE is not a place for freaks…apparently he’s forgotten:
Giant Gonzalez, the Boogeyman, the Oddities, Kane, Undertaker, the Headshrinkers, Umaga, Kamala, Hornswoggle, Max Mini, Mini Goldust, Goldust, Mini Vader, Vader, Mankind, the Repo Man, Kevin Thorn, the ECW Zombie, Scott Steiner (the genetic freak), Chyna, and Michael Cole.
Daniel Bryan tells Show that he’s definitely no Andre the Giant and is just making excuses. He should retire RIGHT NOW, “climb back up his beanstalk,” and DB slaps him! Show rams DB into the corner and calls him an “arrogant little ass”! Before we can head to commercial break, Mark Henry heads to the ring. He says he doesn’t care about Show’s hurt feelings, DB’s Napoleon Complex, or a “95-pound girl in a training bra.” Henry threatens to beat the holy fuck out of Bryan right now for weaseling out of his title match last week. Teddy Long interrupts to announce that one main event tonight is Randy Orton vs Wade Barrett. He doesn’t want Smackdown to go out with a whimper (his words) so he makes the other main event Mark Henry vs Big Show.
Mark…Henry……versus….Big Show?
I…I…….
I hate my job.
Fun Fact: I have never seen The Big Lebowski.
Cody Rhodes vs Justin Gabriel
How could Blair NOT like the Intercontinental Champion? He’s wearing a sleeveless hoodie! As for Gabriel, I think he’ll get a legitimate push once he gets a real theme song. Cody runs Jay Gabe off the ropes but Gabriel flips over him and gets the drop on Rhodes. Cody uses his aggression to overpower Justin but it’s not enough as Gabriel monkey flips him into the corner. Cody ducks out of the ring so Gabriel nails a corkscrew cross body over the top rope! They get back in the ring as Gabriel hits a running cross body but Rhodes rolls through for a near fall. Both men are on their feet as Gabriel takes Rhodes down with a leg sweep and tries for a Lionsault, but Cody rolls and Gabe lands on his feet…which allows Rhodes to counter with a Beautiful Disaster! CrossRhodes ends it.
Santino tells Teddy Long another of his awesome match ideas: an Extreme Loser Leaves Town Match where the loser heads into outer space on a rocket filled with monkeys. Teddy nixes the idea, but Santino asks Yoshi Tatsu if he likes the idea. Except he calls the poor guy “Toshi Yatsu.” Sigh. Santino then says that standing before Teddy is the newest tag team sensation, “Santoshi.” Double sigh. Yoshi calls them “Yoshitino.” As they argue back and forth, Drew McIntyre shows up so Teddy berates him. Drew compares himself to Babe Ruth striking out 5 times in one game but Teddy will hear none of it. Tonight, Drew goes one-on-one with Sheamus.
The burial of Drew McIntyre continues. I’m all sighed out.
Drew McIntyre vs Sheamus
Scotland vs Ireland? Interesting. They take turns punching each other as Mathews remarks that both men started at the same time and were champions on their first PPV appearance. Now? One’s being groomed for main event status and the other’s got one foot out the door. Sheamus wins the power game and whips Drew into the corner, but he counters a charge with a boot to the face. As McIntyre goes on the attack, Sheamus lifts him up and nails a variation of Kennedy’s reverse fall away slam that looked pretty impressive. McIntyre kicks out of a pin attempt and heads to the ropes. Sheamus follows and preps Drew for his signature move but the Scotsman is ready with a guillotine that forces Sheamus to release his grip. Drew hits a low drop kick and attacks Sheamus in the corner, followed by a bridge suplex but the Great White kicks out. Drew nails a snap suplex for two. Sheamus’s temper gets the best of him and he unleashes a series of body slams on McIntyre. Drew goes to the ropes for safety and hits a cheap shot which forces Sheamus off, but Drew walks right into a Brogue Kick and that’s it.
I gotta say, I’m surprised (pleasantly) that Drew was allowed to shine in that match. Maybe there IS a chance after all.
Epico and Primo w/ Rosa Mendes vs Santino Marella and Yoshi Tatsu
Aaaaand Rosa is completely busting out of her outfit. You know what? Put her with ANY tag team and I’ll cheer for them. Santino starts with Primo and gets the advantage before tagging in Yoshi. Epico gets a blind tag as Primo is sent off the ropes and the heels take control with an attack from behind. Mass confusion soon erupts as Santino becomes the legal man and, after nailing the Cobra on an illegal Primo, falls prey to a Backstabber from Epico. Rosa dances and I have to agree with Michael Cole on this one: I love it when Epico and Primo win.
Daniel Bryan tries to get into Mark Henry’s head and says that Teddy Long is biased and wants Big Show to win on Sunday. DB basically wants Henry to put Show down tonight.
Despite the looming threat of a Mark Henry/Big Show main event, the action hasn’t been too bad so far. Besides the goofball comedy tag match, anyway.
Randy Orton vs Wade Barrett
Barrett asks for a mic and asks the crowd for some decorum. He says that Orton may be physically ready to return to the ring, but spiritually he is a broken man. We get a recap on the Titantron of Orton falling down the steps and being unable to get up. Of course, just as I type that joke, Barrett says the same thing. As he rants, Orton’s music hits and we see Randy heading through the back a la Goldberg minus security detail. They meet at the ramp and brawl back to the ring. Orton mounts Wade in the corner and about five referees try to break it up. Orton punches Barrett repeatedly in the face outside the ring as Teddy Long calls for the Superstars crew to earn their paychecks. Barrett breaks free and gets a cheap shot on Orton before escaping to the ring. Randy greets him with a Spear and mounting punches until the other wrestlers hold him back. Barrett escapes and Orton RKOs all five jobbers in the ring!
If you actually thought the WWE would risk costing Barrett his heat going into the Rumble by having him lose clean to a returning Viper, you haven’t been watching wrestling very long.
Royal Rumble Rewind: 2006. Mysterio wins and goes on to a lackluster World Heavyweight Championship run.
Daniel Bryan asks Kaitlyn to calm down Big Show for AJ’s sake. She agrees and asks DB how he really feels about her; he simply dodges the question.
Ted DiBiase vs Hunico w/ Camacho
Ted’s sporting a taped-up wrist stemming from a house show injury. DiBiase gets the early advantage but Hunico goes right after the wrist. Ted hits his off-the-ropes clothesline and goes for Dream Street but his wrist gives out on him. This allows Hunico to hit an arm breaker and a cradle suplex for the abrupt win. After the match, the heels double team Ted and send him crawling to the outside. They stomp on his wrist and leave him in pain.
Teddy and Aksana are backstage when Natalya bursts into the office and says she wants a rematch with Tamina. Aksana says Tamina “squashed you like a grape,” so Natalya challenges HER to a match. “I can beat that whackjob and I know I can beat you,” says Natalya. Aksana’s response: “Whackjob? What I do with Teddy in private…” is interrupted by Teddy, who schedules a match between them tonight. Ah, sex jokes. Someone farts in the room and everyone smells it. I didn’t make that up, I swear. They all awkwardly leave the office as Santino enters and stops short like he’s hit a wall of fart. It’s a little funnier if you see what I’m talking about.
This Saturday on SyFy: Swamp Volcano. Seriously.
Brodus Clay vs Alex Riley
Before they face off, Riley shows off his dance moves. Clay responds with his suplex, a splash into the corner, and his cross body splash to end it.
At some point Clay is going to have to have an actual match and when he does, we’re all going to regret it.
We get a commercial for Fruity Pebbles, with John Cena on the cover. So Post Cereal can do a cross-over, but Good Humor can’t? That’s bullshit! I want my CM Punk ice cream bar! We get a recap of the cause of Zack Ryder’s “broken back,” which is now a “herniated disk.” Actually, that’s a lie. It’s not a recap so much as it was the ENTIRE FUCKING SEGMENT.
Aksana vs Natalya
Aksana comes out to her generic slow, romantic music and rolls up Natalya as soon as the bell rings for the win! Hahaha! Natalya locks in the Sharpshooter in response, so Tamina makes the save with another Superfly Splash!
This second hour has gone downhill quickly. I am NOT looking forward to this main event.
Big Show vs Mark Henry
Can I call it now? No clean finish due to Daniel Bryan’s interference.
Do I still have to recap this shit?
God damn it…my DVR says there’s ten minutes left.
Here comes Daniel Bryan to ringside as the bell rings. Show and Henry takes turns beating each other up, blah blah blah I’m NOT recapping this. Henry is legitimately injured here (hyperextended knee on top of his pulled groin) so there’s not much he can do. We get a commercial break in the middle of it all and when we come back, apparently Big Show won via count out. This match was thirty seconds long. DB takes a steel chair and beats the fuck out of Show before attempting the Lebell Lock! Big Show escapes and just DESTROYS the champ with a HUGE choke slam! DB escapes up the ramp before Show can knock him out.
This was just insulting. We were promised two main events; one that never materialized and another nobody wanted which involved two guys who were in no condition to wrestle. This was a terrible show, with the only highlights being the McIntyre/Sheamus match and Rosa’s magnificent body.
Stay tuned for next week as I “reinvent the wheel” in terms of Smackdown recapping! If this experiment works out, it may just become a permanent fixture.
What’s the big secret? You’ll have to find out next weekend!
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
