Let’s take a look at the card –
1. 30-Man Royal Rumble Match
2. John Cena vs. Kane
3. World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show vs. Mark Henry (Triple Threat Steel Cage Match)
4. WWE Champion CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler (Special Guest Referee John Laurinaitis)
My picks are Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, Kane, and Chris Jericho. My wife picks Zack Ryder, Woo Woo Woo. She even said the Woo Woo Woo. It was adorable.
Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Booker T are on commentary.
MATCH #1: World Heavyweight Championship Steel Cage Match – Daniel Bryan vs. Mark Henry vs. Big Show
Bryan has been the champion since 12.18.11, and this is his fourth defense. (8:10)The champ immediately tries escaping but the big guys keep him inside the cage. Show takes Henry out early, crushing him between the ropes and the cage. Bryan fights back and goes after Show’s knee. Henry comes back and goes to work on Bryan while Show recovers. All three continue to go back and forth. Bryan hits Show with a tornado DDT for a two-count, and then cinches on the LeBell Lock. Henry breaks that up. Show fights back and hits Henry with the WMD but Bryan breaks up that pin. Bryan climbs up to the top of the cage but Show drags him back in by the throat. The tenacious Bryan perseveres though, and is able to slip through Show’s grasp to drop to the floor and retain the title in about nine minutes.
WINNER – Daniel Bryan (retains title), ***¼
Sheamus is featured in the ad for Elimination Chamber, which comes to pay-per-view on February 19.
WrestleMania XXVIII is next, on April 1. The main event will be John Cena versus The Rock. This segues to a video package on Cena. It’s really well done and shows fans both loving and hating Cena.
MATCH #2: Eight Diva Tag Team Match – The Bella Twins, Natalya & Divas Champion Beth Phoenix vs. Tamina, Alicia Fox, Eve & Kelly Kelly
The heels all have matching gear, which is cool. The babyfaces sort of do too. Natalya and Tamina, who have been feuding on Smackdown, start the match. Tamina takes control and tags Eve, who hits the slutty moonsault. Natalya is able to tag the champion in, and Beth takes it to Eve. The Bellas take their turns working on Eve as well. Eve recovers and tags Alicia. The referee loses control and Divas are flying all over the place. It turns into a melee, or a donnybrook, if you will. Kelly wipes everyone out with a dive off the top rope. She throws one of the Bellas back in the ring, but Beth gets the tag and hits the Glam Slam to get the win in about five minutes. I sure hope they’re building to Beth vs. Kharma.
WINNER – Beth Phoenix, The Bella Twins & Natalya, **
The idiots at ringside talk about the John Cena versus Kane match, and show footage of Kane’s Chokeslam on Ryder last Monday. Ryder shows up in a wheelchair and a brace. He runs into interim Raw GM John Laurinaitis, who tries to make nice with him. Eve comes to Ryder’s rescue and verbally berates Laurinaitis. Wow, now Ryder even needs Eve to fight his battles for him?!
MATCH #3: John Cena vs. Kane
St. Louis greets Cena with a chorus of boos. They start off brawling and Kane takes Cena down to the mat. Cena tries fighting back but Kane has an answer for him for a good chunk of time. Finally Cena makes the comeback with some of his moves of doom. Once again Kane cuts him off with a big boot to the face for two. Cena gets a second wind and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle off the top rope. He tries the Attitude Adjustment but Kane blocks it, so Cena dropkicks his knee. Kane then kicks Cena all the way to the floor. They fight down the aisle now, and they both get counted out.
WINNER – Double countout
The fight continues backstage, where Kane takes Cena out with a chair. Kane then busts into Ryder’s dressing room and chokes him out in about four seconds. He wheels Ryder out to the entrance ramp and toward the ring, dumping him out of his chair in the process. They make it to the ring and Eve comes bouncing out to the rescue, begging for Kane not to hurt her boyfriend. Kane doesn’t listen to her, and flattens Ryder with the Tombstone. As he turns his attention toward Eve, Cena runs out to make the save, again to a chorus of boos. Kane fights him off and hits a Chokeslam. Ryder gets stretchered out.
Don’t be a bully, be a Star.
Cena’s WrestleMania opponent, The Rock, gets his own video package as well. Rock is awesome.
MATCH #4: Drew McIntyre vs. Brodus Clay
I don’t see Drew’s losing streak ending anytime soon. And yep, Brodus gets the win with the What the Funk in about a minute or so.
WINNER – Brodus Clay, DUD
Snap into a Slim Jim!
Tomorrow night on Raw, COO Triple H will give interim Raw General Manager John Laurinaitis a formal job evaluation.
MATCH #5: WWE Championship Match – CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler, with special referee John Laurinaitis
Punk has been the champion since 11.20.11, and this is his fourth defense. He already hit Laurinaitis with the Go 2 Sleep on Raw, so what else do I need to see? Laurinaitis announces that he will oversee the match from outside the ring, while a real referee will handle inside the ring. Ziggler is accompanied by Vickie Guerrero. Laurinaitis remembers that Punk won a match a couple of weeks ago to ensure that no one would be at ringside, so he sends Vickie to the back. The wrestlers take it down to the mat and Punk tries an early Anaconda Vise but Ziggler slithers out of it. Punk knocks Ziggler to the floor and follows him out with a dive. Back in the ring Punk goes up top but Ziggler sweeps his legs and Punk lands on his neck. Ziggler wears Punk down, even using the Sleeper, which Punk escapes with a belly-to-back suplex. Once again Ziggler traps Punk in the Sleeper and this time when Punk breaks out Ziggler hits him with a dropkick. Punk grabs Ziggler out of mid-air and hits a sitout powerbomb for two. The champion is building momentum but can’t hit the Go 2 Sleep. Punk hits the knockout kick (stealing from Yoshi Tatsu) for a two-count. He goes up top and hits the sloppy elbow drop for another two-count. Punk tries Go 2 Sleep but Ziggler slips out and pushes Punk into the referee, who tumbles to the floor. Laurinaitis tries to revive him while Punk traps Ziggler in the Anaconda Vise! Ziggler is tapping but there’s no referee! Punk also gets an O’Connor Roll but there’s still no referee. Laurinaitis rolls the original referee back in the ring and tries to wake him up. Punk gets in the GM’s face, and then catches Ziggler in the Go 2 Sleep, swinging Ziggler’s legs into Laurinaitis’s head along the way. Once again Punk covers but there’s still no count. Punk is furious at this point. He goes for another Go 2 Sleep but Ziggler counters to the Rocker Dropper for two! That was awesome. Ziggler goes for another Rocker Dropper but Punk catches him and catapults him into the corner. Punk then hits Go 2 Sleep, and Laurinaitis joins the referee to make a dual three-count and Punk retains in about 17 minutes.
WINNER – CM Punk (retains title), ****
Starting on Wednesday, WWE will debut a bunch of original shows on YouTube.
WrestleMania XXVIII is 63 days away.
MATCH #6: Royal Rumble
The Miz is #1, as we all know. Miz’s former protégé Alex Riley is #2. They go back and forth a bit and Miz tosses Riley out for the first elimination. R-Truth is #3. Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes is #4. Justin Gabriel is #5 and he goes right after Rhodes. One half of the current WWE Tag Team Champions Primo is #6. Miz eliminates the Truth, who then pulls Miz to the floor and hits the Flatliner. Truth is eliminated but Miz is not. Mick Foley is entrant #7, and he waddles to the ring. Foley dumps Primo to the floor and then goes after Rhodes. Alberto Del Rio makes his surprise return from injury as the #8 entrant. But it’s a swerve, because the car is an old beater being driven by Ricardo Rodriguez! Action in the ring stops to watch this awesome spectacle. Foley and Ricardo eliminate Gabriel. Santino Marella is #9. Comedy ensues, of course, and Santino tosses Ricardo. Foley and Santino duel with Socko and the Cobra, which is wonderful. The other Tag Team Champion Epico is #10. Epico receives both the Cobra and Socko before getting dumped to the floor. Rhodes and Miz recover and Rhodes dumps Santino and then Foley to the floor. Kofi Kingston is #11. Entrant #12 is another surprise – Jerry Lawler! Rhodes eliminates the King pretty quickly. Ezekiel Jackson is lucky #13. Next up is Jinder Mahal at #14. Mahal takes his time getting into the ring. Another surprise entrant comes out at #15, The Great Khali! The Punjab Warrior starts throwing chops at everyone and dumps his brother-in-law Mahal to the floor. Khali then dumps Ezekiel. Hunico is #16. Booker T enters his second straight Rumble as the #17 entrant. Miz almost eliminates Kofi, who WALKS ON HIS HANDS to stave off elimination. That was amazing. Dolph Ziggler is #18. WWE Hall of Famer Hacksaw Jim Duggan, winner of the first Rumble in 1988, is #19! The crowd loves Duggan, who cleans house for a minute before Rhodes dumps him to the floor. Rhodes and Ziggler then eliminate Khali and Booker at the same time. Michael Cole is #20!
Entrant #21 is Kharma! She’s the third woman to ever enter the Rumble match. Cole goes over the top rope to avoid her, and then gets pulled down by Lawler and Booker. Kharma then hits Ziggler with the Implant Buster to a huge pop! She then press slams Hunico to the floor! Ziggler then dumps Kharma out. Sheamus is #22, and he cleans house. He dumps Kofi out. Road Dogg is #23. Jey Uso is #24, and with Jimmy in street clothes it looks like only one Uso will get a chance to go to WrestleMania this year. United States Champion Jack Swagger is #25. Wade Barrett is #26, and he is one of the favorites. Jennifer Hudson’s main squeeze David Otunga is #27. Randy Orton, the odds-on favorite and a hometown boy, is #28. He goes right after Barrett and then eliminates Jey and Barrett. Well they sure didn’t get much mileage out of Barrett versus Orton did they? Chris Jericho is #29. He immediately tosses Otunga. Booker calls the 41-year-old Jericho a “kid.” Finally, #30 is the Big Show. Sheamus eliminates Swagger and we’ve got seven possible winners left. Show eliminates Rhodes and Miz, and then Ziggler. That leaves us with a final four of Sheamus, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, and Big Show.
Orton single-handedly eliminates Show, and then Jericho eliminates Orton! This is an interesting final two. They stare each other down and then Sheamus goes on offense, almost eliminating Jericho in the corner. Jericho fights back but Sheamus cuts him off and hits the Irish Curse. Sheamus goes for the High Cross but Jericho slips out and clotheslines him over the ropes but Sheamus hangs on. Jericho also hits the springboard dropkick but Sheamus continues to hang on! Sheamus comes back in the ring with the slingshot shoulderblock. He misses the Brogue Kick and Jericho puts on the Walls of Jericho! Sheamus fights out of it and almost eliminates Jericho. They fight over a superplex up on the top turnbuckle and both knock each other to the apron. Back in the ring Jericho hits a Codebreaker. Jericho tries to eliminate Sheamus but can’t quite get the big man over. Sheamus fires back but misses another Brogue Kick. Jericho goes for a Codebreaker but Sheamus drops him to the apron and Brogue kicks him to the floor to win the Rumble!
WINNER – Sheamus, ****½
